Untitled

More Praise for The Introverted Leader

“Many of the most effective leaders are self-contained

‘inner processors’ who are nonetheless extremely capa-

ble of getting results. This book shows you how to get

the most out of yourself and others whose management

style is different.”

—Brian Tracy, author of The 100 Absolutely Unbreakable Laws

of Business Success and Eat That Frog!

“Kahnweiler believes that we must recognize the many

thoughtful, inwardly focused, quiet ‘gems’ within our

midst. If you count yourself as introverted some or all of

the time, this book is a must-read.”

—Liliana de Kerorguen, Vice President, Strategy and Business

Development, Adams and Royer, Paris, France

“Introverts are often understated overachievers. Their

quality and contributions may not be discovered and

rewarded. If you are an introverted manager who finds

public speaking intimidating and being around people

draining, this book provides practical guidance that will

help you embrace and control uncomfortable situations.

It will enable you to be more effective.”

—Ping Fu, President and CEO, Geomagic, and author of Bend, Not Break

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page PRE1

“Jennifer B. Kahnweiler shows that she understands the

challenges and opportunities introverted leaders face daily

in a global marketplace. If you are an introverted leader

or a manager of introverts — or both! — read this book.

Kahnweiler delivers a proven four-part process drawn

from her work in the trenches. Yes, introverted leaders

can win!

—Fabrice Egros, President, UCB Pharma Inc.

“Does the thought of working a room make you want

to run from the room? The good news is, you don’t have

to be the life of the party to be a successful leader. This

book teaches people skills you can use to lead with con-

fident, compassionate authority so you command the

respect, loyalty, and results you want, need, and deserve.

Read it and reap.”

—Sam Horn, author of POP! and Tongue Fu!

“The Introverted Leader shows how to enhance your nat-

ural temperament and claim your place as an extraordi-

narily confident introverted leader in today’s demanding

workplace. Jennifer’s strong track record of coaching the

more reticent types among us shines through in this highly

engaging and practical book.”

—Dr. Tony Alessandra, coauthor of The New Art of Managing People

and The Platinum Rule

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page PRE2

“I’ve been an executive coach for more than fifteen years

and only wish I’d had this book sooner for my many intro-

verted clients. Jennifer’s four-step process—clear, concrete,

and centered on results—helps ‘not-so-noisy’ leaders

avoid career derailment and achieve success. If you’re an

introvert—or you coach, mentor, or manage one—this is

the book you’ve been waiting for. Buy it, read it, and put

it to work!”

—Sharon Jordan-Evans, executive coach and coauthor of Love ’Em or

Lose ’Em

“This is an important book for introverts and extroverts

alike. Extroverts will benefit by gaining deeper insight into

the mind of the introvert. Introverts will learn to embrace

their introversion and the true value that they bring

to the organizations they serve. The tips and tools that

Kahnweiler introduces will help introverts navigate an

extroverted corporate world. Shhh. Hear that? It’s the

sound of your confidence growing!”

—Bill Treasurer, founder of Giant Leap Consulting and author of

Courage Goes to Work

“Jennifer B. Kahnweiler’s experience with numerous high-

level organizations speaks loud and clear in this first-of-

its-kind book for introverted leaders. Those who are

reluctant to step out of the shadows will learn to do so

while keeping their personality intact.”

—Tom Darrow, founder and Principal, Talent Connections, LLC

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page PRE3

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page PRE4

The

Introverted

Leader

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page i

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page ii

The

Introverted

Leader

Building on Your

Quiet Strength

Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, Ph.D.

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page iii

transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other

electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the pub-

lisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain

other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write

to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below.

Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.

235 Montgomery Street, Suite 650

San Francisco, CA 94104-2916

Tel: (415) 288-0260 Fax: (415) 362-2512 www.bkconnection.com

Ordering Information

Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations,

associations, and others. For details, contact the “Special Sales Department” at the

Berrett-Koehler address above.

Individual sales. Berrett-Koehler publications are available through most bookstores.

They can also be ordered directly from Berrett-Koehler: Tel: (800) 929-2929; Fax:

(802) 864-7626; www.bkconnection.com

Orders for college textbook/course adoption use. Please contact Berrett-Koehler:

Tel: (800) 929-2929; Fax: (802) 864-7626.

Orders by U.S. trade bookstores and wholesalers. Please contact Ingram Publisher

Services, Tel: (800) 509-4887; Fax: (800) 838-1149; E-mail: customer.service@

ingrampublisherservices.com; or visit www.ingrampublisherservices.com/Ordering for

details about electronic ordering.

Berrett-Koehler and the BK logo are registered trademarks of Berrett-Koehler

Publishers, Inc.

Printed in the United States of America

Berrett-Koehler books are printed on long-lasting acid-free paper. When it is avail-

able, we choose paper that has been manufactured by environmentally responsible

processes. These may include using trees grown in sustainable forests, incorporating

recycled paper, minimizing chlorine in bleaching, or recycling the energy produced

at the paper mill.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kahnweiler, Jennifer B.

The introverted leader : building on your quiet strength / Jennifer B. Kahnweiler.

p. m

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-57675-577-8 (pbk. : alk. paper)

ISBN 978-1-60994-200-7 (pbk. : alk. paper)

1. Leadership. 2. Introverts. 3. Interpersonal communication. I. Title.

BF637.L4.K27 2009

155.2'32—dc22

2009009339

First Edition

18 17 16 15 14 13 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Production management: Publication Services. Cover design: Richard Adelson.

Author photo: Josh Hobgood.

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/13/13 10:20 AM Page iv

To Lucille and Alvin Boretz,

parents extraordinaire,

who taught me the meaning

of love and laughter

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page v

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page vi

Contents

Foreword by Douglas R. Conant ix

Preface xiii

Introduction: What Is an Introverted Leader? 1

Chapter 1: Four Key Challenges 7

Chapter 2: Unlocking Success: The 4 P’s Process 19

Chapter 3: Strengths and Soft Spots 25

Chapter 4: Public Speaking 31

Chapter 5: Managing and Leading 43

Chapter 6: Heading Up Projects 61

Chapter 7: Managing Up 75

Chapter 8: The Meeting Game 87

Chapter 9: Building Relationships 99

Chapter 10: Wins from Using the 4 P’s Process 113

Chapter 11: What’s Next? Moving Toward Success 125

Notes 129

Acknowledgments 133

Index 135

About the Author 147

vii

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page vii

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page viii

Foreword

by Douglas R. Conant

Every time I’ve taken a Myers-Briggs test, I’ve scored high on the

introversion scale. As an introvert, I get energy from being by

myself. I sometimes feel drained if I have to be in front of large

groups of people I don’t know for an extended period of time.

And, as addressed in this book, people exhaustion takes its toll.

After I’ve been in a social situation—including a long day at

work—I need quiet time to be alone with my thoughts, reflect on

the day, and recharge.

But as CEO of Campbell Soup Company, a company with

nearly twenty thousand employees, I found myself particularly

challenged because so much of my work required me to be “out

there” in front of others. Not only that, I was also challenged to

reverse a precipitous decline in market value—in a hurry. Over

the course of my tenure, we succeeded in dramatically transforming

the global leadership team, reconfiguring the portfolio, cutting

costs, and making strategic investments in Campbell’s products,

marketing programs, innovation pipeline, and infrastructure. As

a result, the company was able to deliver cumulative shareholder

returns in the top tier of the global food industry.

Now, as founder and CEO of ConantLeadership, I have per-

haps an even less introverted job. To help improve the quality of

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page ix

leadership in the twenty-first century, I often stand in front of a

roomful of people and talk about how they, too, can be effective

leaders in their organizations. One might ask how an introvert,

like myself, makes this happen. Good question.

I’d be lying if I said that there wasn’t a point in my life when

I didn’t aspire to be more outgoing, but it’s just not in my nature.

When I was nearly fifty, I began to realize that the best thing for

me to do was to tell everyone with whom I worked the simple

truth—I’m just shy. I realized that people are not mind readers—

I needed to let them know what I was thinking and how I was

feeling. Eventually, I developed this little talk, affectionately known

as the “DRC Orientation,” in which I shared with people the

essence of who I was and what I was trying to do. I would tell it

to new employees right off the bat. I did this so all the people with

whom I worked would have a clear idea of who I am, where I

come from, and what I expect everyone to do in order to succeed.

I found that “declaring” my introversion was a very freeing exer-

cise—more preferred than going through painful contortions in

attempting to adapt to other people’s styles. I have pursued this

practice for well over ten years, and it really has helped me build

strong relationships and quickly get beyond all the little superfi-

cial dances people do when they first start working with each other.

I have found that you need to make a conscious effort to

develop your skill set. At one point in my career, the CEO of

Nabisco wanted me to be president of the sales organization. I

said, “You have got to be kidding me: (a) I’m an introvert, and

(b) I can’t play golf.” Still, I ultimately accepted that position. I

had to step even further out of my comfort zone, what Jennifer

describes as the “push” component of her 4 P’s Process. Emo-

tionally, it was by far the most challenging job I’ve ever had, but

I had to step up to the challenge. Making this stretch was neces-

sary for me to grow as an effective leader and was very helpful in

preparing me to become a CEO.

The Introverted Leader respects and honors the strengths

introverts bring to the table and also offers a process whereby

introverts gets results. Jennifer’s 4 P’s Process (preparation, pres-

x Foreword

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page x

ence, push, and practice) has been proven based on the tangible

lessons she has gleaned from working with thousands of success-

ful introverted leaders. This process provides introverts with a prac-

tical application for many challenging scenarios, from public

speaking and networking to running a Fortune 500 company.

Both introverts and extroverts can learn from reading this

book. Undoubtedly, introverts exist in all types of organizations.

You simply can’t overlook this entire group of contributors. Most

people think of leaders as being outgoing, very visible, and charis-

matic people. I find that perspective to be overly narrow. You might

just find that you have introverts embedded in your organization

and, undoubtedly, some of them are natural-born leaders. The key

challenge for leaders today is to get beyond the surface and unlock

the full potential of all their colleagues. At times, extroverts may

get to leadership positions faster, but for us introverts, it’s all about

working at our own pace and, at the end of the day, performing

in a full way. Introverts can absolutely be extremely effective lead-

ers; the landscape is full of excellent examples.

This book shows you how to increase your awareness and

effectiveness in the workplace. If you are an extrovert, you will

better understand and appreciate what your introverted teammates

have to offer. If you are an introvert, you will gain insights and

practical steps to build on your quiet strength. Ultimately, what

helps all of us most is to embrace and fully leverage who we are

in order to make the most substantial contributions possible. This

book shows you how to do just that.

Douglas R. Conant

Former President and CEO of Campbell Soup Company

CEO, Conant Leadership

Foreword xi

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xi

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xii

Preface

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when

you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your

lips, and sound is a diversion and a past time.

Kahlil Gibran

Someone said that work would be great, if it weren’t for the people.

Who hasn’t felt that way at one time or another? Yet, workplace

success is based on more than how much you know. It is equally

about relationships with people. If you are an extrovert you are

probably stimulated by the interpersonal interactions that build

these relationships. However, in our outgoing, Type-A business

culture, if you are an introvert who is more quiet in temperament,

you may feel excluded, overlooked, or misunderstood. Your ret-

icence might be mistaken for reluctance, arrogance, or even lack

of intelligence. And perhaps you have found that your inconsis-

tent people skills have caused your career to plateau. You’re los-

ing out on the career benefits that workplace relationships can

provide. Your organization is also losing out on tremendous tal-

ent and expertise.

Yet, there is good news. Introversion can be managed. You

can capitalize on a quieter, reflective demeanor and still adapt to

a culture that rewards being “out there” and on stage. This book

will show you how millions of people have succeeded in doing

just that.

xiii

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xiii

xiv Preface

Who This Book Is For

Are you a mid-level or aspiring manager who has to influence oth-

ers to get results? Perhaps you lead projects. Maybe you desire more

responsibility and challenge in your role as an individual contribu-

tor. If you are a professional in a technical, scientific, or financial

field, there is a strong likelihood that you have a quieter tempera-

ment. It is also probable that you have not been exposed to focused

training in people skills like your counterparts in sales or manage-

ment. You may be a woman in a male-dominated field or someone

in a company who faces particular challenges in being heard.

You may view yourself as occasionally introverted. There are

degrees of introversion, and occasions when even the “talkers” among

us may be at a loss as to how to handle uncomfortable people situ-

ations. As a manager, of people or projects, it is likely you have intro-

verts on your team. This book will help you learn to understand them,

coach them, and maximize their contributions.

My Background

I confess. I am a strong extrovert. I talk out my thoughts, and I am

the person many of you reading this may find “crazy making” at

times. So, you ask, what would this “babbling brook” know about

the world of introverts? Let me share a little background.

I have been a corporate consultant, speaker, and coach for more

than 25 years. I have trained and counseled thousands of leaders across

many organizations, and I have found introverted clients particularly

receptive to the tools I share in this book. Many have followed up

with specific examples of how they used techniques to get tangible

results for themselves and their organizations. I am all for results.

As workplace columnist for AARP The Magazine, The Society

of Human Resources, and the Atlanta Journal Constitution blog I

have done extensive research on leadership success, including intro-

verted leaders. In addition, the comments and questions I have

received from readers deepened my understanding of the challenges

and successes of quieter leaders.

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xiv

And, finally, through my 35-year marriage to an introverted

leader, I have developed empathy and admiration. I have learned to

gain an appreciation for my husband Bill’s quiet demeanor and his

view of life. Looking through that lens has taught me so much about

the value of quiet reflection.

The Approach

Tom was referred to me by a colleague. He was a twenty-something

marketing manager who was interested in my research. He made a

suggestion that I took to heart: “Don’t listen to some loud mouth

who is going to tell you to be like him because they don’t know what

it is like to be like me, do they? Motivational speaking is a billion

dollar industry built on confident and extroverted people molding

people into thinking they are wrong for being the way they are. Get

advice from people who have dealt with the same problem.” I decided

to take his advice, so I personally interviewed and collected data from

more than 100 introverted professionals across a wide range of indus-

tries. Some of these interviews were structured with set questions.

Others were hallway conversations in client companies or conver-

sations with interested airplane seatmates.

Wearing my journalist’s hat, I observed team meetings, seminar

discussions, and coaching sessions, looking for specific examples of

how quieter leaders took charge. I filled notebooks with observa-

tions that were then incorporated into this book.

I found that posing specific questions on social networking sites

also yielded rich responses. Many people preferred to communicate

with me in writing. Their advice was rich and varied. The Introverted

Leader also draws upon the unique perspectives of leading academics

and business thinkers.

Book Overview

This book organizes information from all of these sources into a prac-

tical structure. Chapter 1, Four Key Challenges, lays out the chal-

lenges you face when you let yourself be ruled by ineffective introvert

Preface xv

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xv

behaviors. You will learn how (1) stress, (2) perception gaps, (3)

derailed careers, and (4) invisibility are significant hazards along the

path to leadership.

Chapter 2, Unlocking Success: The 4 P’s Process, describes a

focused and practical method for breaking out of the status quo and

effectively managing your introversion. The 4 P’s Process (prepara-

tion, presence, push, and practice) serves as a road map to help you

plan your strategy in a wide variety of leadership scenarios. You will

also be able to use the 4 P’s as a tool to continuously improve by

analyzing what has been effective and not effective in your actions.

You will learn how (1) preparation means that you have a game

plan and take the steps you need to prepare for people interactions;

(2) presence means that you are able to fully be in the moment and

“where your feet are”; (3) push means that you take deliberate risks

and stretch yourself out of your comfort zone; and (4) practice means

you continue to make these impact behaviors a part of your stand-

ing repertoire.

Chapter 3, Strengths and Soft Spots, includes a revealing quiz

called The Introverted Leadership Skills Quiz that will help you rec-

ognize the behaviors you have already mastered in becoming an intro-

verted leader. It will also assist you in zeroing in on the areas you

may need to strengthen in order to fire on all cylinders. In addition,

the quiz can serve as a baseline to assess your progress and a possi-

ble springboard for coaching discussions with your manager.

In chapters 4 through 9 you will learn how to apply the steps

of the 4 P’s Process to handle many typical work scenarios. A mul-

titude of tools, specific examples, and practical tips will show you

how to do this. Chapter 4, Public Speaking, will teach you how to

gain mastery over presenting to groups and individuals. Chapter 5,

Managing and Leading, shares many secrets from successful intro-

verted leaders who have learned how to gain respect as leaders. Chap-

ter 6, Heading Up Projects, focuses on the people side of project

management. You will learn how introverted leaders can motivate

the team to achieve strong results. Chapter 7, Managing Up, will

prepare you with templates and tools to strengthen your partner-

ship with your boss. Chapter 8, The Meeting Game, will take your

xvi Preface

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xvi

involvement in meetings to a whole new level as you learn a multi-

tude of ways to get your voice heard in the room.

Chapter 9, Building Relationships, addresses networking both

in and outside the organization. As in the previous chapters, you

will learn to capitalize on your introverted temperament to be both

highly focused and creative in this essential leadership endeavor.

Chapter 10, Wins for You and Your Organization, addresses the

many benefits both you and your organization will achieve when

you build on your strengths and step out from behind the shadows.

Chapter 11, Going Forward, focuses on your next steps. Learn-

ing to moderate behaviors is certainly not a one-time event but a

process that, like a fine wine, mellows and ages over time. You will

find a development plan to help you zero in on achievable actions

for now and the future as you adopt expanding leadership roles.

In addition to using the book, I encourage you to visit the Web

site www.theintrovertedleaderblog.com. There you can download

resources and connect with members of the introverted leader com-

munity in a fruitful, ongoing dialogue.

Preface xvii

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xvii

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xviii

Introduction

What Is an

Introverted Leader?

Do you ever feel like extroverts get everything they ask for while

your needs are passed over . . . or ignored?

Are you drained by business socializing?

Do you feel like you are not heard at meetings?

Have you ever turned down a speech or interview request?

If so, you may be introverted, and you are not alone. Many

respected executives, such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Andrea Jung,

are naturally introverted.

Other famous leaders, such as Mother

Theresa, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King Jr., were thought

to be introverted. The late Katharine Graham was introverted, and it

is likely that President Barack Obama is an introvert. The list goes on.

A well-kept secret is that, like these well-known and successful

introverts, there are millions of people who can experience deep

discomfort and inhibition in interpersonal situations. This is not

because there is something wrong with them. Introverts have a tem-

perament that is more inner-focused, and they must adapt to an extro-

verted world, one that is primarily driven by interpersonal

interactions. With estimates that almost 50 percent of the population

and 40 percent of executives are introverted, you are certainly not

alone. Yet, to be an effective leader, you have a responsibility to con-

nect with employees, customers, and colleagues and, like other suc-

cessful introverted leaders, you need to find ways to succeed.

An Overview of Introversion

and Extroversion

There is no one definition of introversion or extroversion that can

be tied up neatly. However, it is an area of personality that can be

Kahnweiler08_Intro_trade_Kahnweiler08_Intro 2/11/13 3:48 PM Page 1

best explained by a description of general tendencies. If you haven’t

taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (the MBTI) to determine your

preference, doing a search online will reveal many resources to help

you with this.

However, I find that most people seem to recognize their intro-

version when presented with some typical characteristics. Let’s review

the list above in Figure 1 and see which side resonates with you more.

If you are torn between both sides of the chart, it is not a prob-

lem. You might ask yourself the question, “If I had to be one for the

rest of my life, which one would I choose?” Some people have sit-

uational introversion. There are certain scenarios in which they reveal

introverted tendencies. It is said that even Oprah Winfrey was tongue-

tied when she met Nelson Mandela for the first time!

There is a difference between introversion and shyness. Shyness

is driven by fear and social anxiety. Although the symptoms may

2 The Introverted Leader

Extroverts Introverts

Energized by and seek out Energized by time alone; need time

people; batteries “charged up” to “recharge” their batteries after

by other people interactions with other people

Talk first, think later Think first, talk later

Talk out their thoughts Process their thoughts in their head

Enthusiastic Reserved

Are transparent, easy to Less demonstrative emotion in facial

read—like a fur coat with expressions—like a fur coat with

the fur on the outside the fur on the inside

Freely share personal data with Share personal data with

friends and strangers a select few

Prefer talking to writing Prefer writing to talking

Focus on breadth Focus on depth

Figure 1. Typical Characteristics

Kahnweiler08_Intro_trade_Kahnweiler08_Intro 2/11/13 3:48 PM Page 2

overlap (e.g., avoidance of public speaking), introversion is a pref-

erence and should not be considered a problem.

Can Introverts Be Leaders?

Absolutely, introverts can be successful leaders. I define leaders very

broadly. If you are someone who recognizes that you need to work

through people to achieve results, then you are a leader. If you are not

satisfied with the status quo and want to improve processes and make

a difference, then you are a leader. If you want to help people, then

you are a leader. I leave it up to you to define the term for yourself.

Leaders have to make sure the job gets done, and they also need to

plan for change, coach others, and work with other people to get results.

There is a strong case to be made for the success of introverted lead-

ers. Good to Great by Jim Collins has become a classic business book.

In studying the characteristics of successful companies, Jim Collins found

that every successful company he studied had a leader who exhibited

what he called “Level 5” characteristics during times of transition. They

demonstrated a focus on results, but equally important, and perhaps par-

adoxically, they each possessed personal humility. They displayed “com-

pelling modesty, were self-effacing and understated”

; these qualities and

this emotional intelligence seem very aligned with the introverted leader.

In a study published in CIO Magazine,

senior executives said

that a lack of empathy was a key cause of failure in leaders today.

These results match research that was done by the guru of emotional

intelligence, Daniel Goleman. He found that the best bosses have

something called high social intelligence. This form of intelligence

correlates more with attention and focus on relationships. Those with

high social intelligence are able to connect with others and greatly

influence the performance of their people.

How Leaders Manage Their Introversion

Turn a Weakness into a Strength

In my consulting with successful business executives over the years,

I have found many who have been candidly honest about being

Introduction 3

Kahnweiler08_Intro_trade_Kahnweiler08_Intro 2/11/13 3:48 PM Page 3

introverted. In fact, they tend to talk about the topic at length, as

though they have never been asked about this “secret.” They approach

introversion as they would any other challenging business problem

and seek to understand which behaviors are working and which

aren’t. Then they develop a strategy and execute a plan.

The successful introverted leader actually turns what might be

considered a weakness into a strength. One well-respected manager

was given feedback in his career that he was too “low key.” In his

future role as a senior leader he turned this laid-back persona into

presence. He had a strong ability to project a calm confidence—a

sense of ease, poise, and self-assurance that transferred to all the

people around him.

Another leader turned her disdain for large-group socializing into

a chance to get her vision across to her team in different ways. She

made a point of building on her preference for one-on-one conver-

sations. As a result, she got to know each of her people, and she

built clear communication channels and trust.

These leaders have found creative ways to adapt. In and out of

diverse workplaces, one-on-one and in groups, the ongoing give and

take with customers and colleagues is what gets results and ultimately

makes the difference in whether or not you are a credible and

respected leader, colleague, and employee.

Though she is far from a role model, Miranda Priestly, the ghastly

boss (and “closet introvert” perhaps?) in the film The Devil Wears

Prada uses a technique that serves her well. Her two assistants

memorize the names, photo headshots, and trivia about all of her

party guests, which they then unobtrusively whisper in her ear before

each encounter.

One CEO I interviewed said that he managed his anxiety in meet-

ings with subordinates by taking careful notes, not realizing how

incredibly helpful this would be when he needed this information

months later.

The power of silence is another characteristic that can serve as

a strength. Many people are not comfortable with silence and try to

fill the gaps with comments that are off the cuff, whereas the com-

ments made by the introvert can be more thoughtful. Sid Milstein,

4 The Introverted Leader

Kahnweiler08_Intro_trade_Kahnweiler08_Intro 2/11/13 3:48 PM Page 4

VP Global BPO for EDS, an HP company, told me that you can con-

vey a sense of reflective wisdom to your peers and your bosses because

you “hopefully, are considering facts and issues before speaking.”

Introverts can access greater wisdom from within when their

mind is quiet. They can choose their words carefully and correctly.

An executive coach I know who has worked with many senior exec-

utives said that when these reflective leaders speak, what shows up

is very powerful. Judy Gray, president and CEO of the Florida Society

of Association of Executives said, “The whole phenomenon of quiet

yet effective leadership deserves to be recognized and appreciated.

The passionately exuberant or charismatic leader initially has a leg

up on capturing people’s hearts and minds, but those characteristics

alone are not what create sustainable progress or meaningful change.”

A really powerful, astute Ivy-League type years ago told her, “The

person in the room with the most power is the quietest.”

Pausing and reflecting also helps keep introverted leaders from

putting their feet in their mouths. One person I spoke with who works

in politics expressed gratitude at being able to hold his tongue. Where

he worked, one wrong word could have cost him his job.

When you are introverted, you also have more time to observe

and read people. Mary Toland, a senior project manager, has been

able to groom talent on her project team by coaching those who have

receded into the background. She has developed empathy for intro-

verted, emerging leaders, and shares a realistic view of what it takes

to rise in the ranks and succeed in her organization. Mary is now

passing this knowledge on.

This book will show you the many ways you can adapt your

leadership style now and in the future. Just as you may complete

Sudoku puzzles or learn a new language to stretch your brain, you

can gain practical and proven tools to build on your quiet strength.

The next chapter will clarify the tangible challenges you will likely

experience as you move down the road toward being a successful

introverted leader.

Introduction 5

Kahnweiler08_Intro_trade_Kahnweiler08_Intro 2/11/13 3:48 PM Page 5

Kahnweiler08_FM_trade_Kahnweiler08_FM 2/7/13 2:15 PM Page xviii

Chapter 1

Four Key Challenges

“It’s not easy being green,” sang Kermit the Frog on The Muppet

Show. Substitute “introverted” for “green.” Although you may have

buzzed along pretty smoothly in your role as individual contributor,

once you decide to move your career forward, or after your organ-

ization taps you for more responsibility, life can become more com-

plex if you are withdrawn.

Let’s look at key challenges that can result from being an intro-

verted professional.

The Challenges

Understanding what challenges can occur in your life as an intro-

vert at work helps you realize what behaviors to change. We tend

to make adjustments when the pain of doing things the same old

way is great enough. When we encounter roadblocks while driving,

we are forced to find alternative routes. Similarly, these workplace

barriers can be enlightening. A number of my introverted coaching

clients have had light bulbs go off when we have discussed the

following four common challenges. Giving a name to what they’ve

experienced often gives them an impetus to change. Let’s look at the

four major categories of challenges introverted leaders encounter at

work. They are (1) stress, (2) perception gaps, (3) career derailers,

and (4) invisibility.

1. Stress

Work overload, physical symptoms, and people exhaustion are all

negative consequences that can hit introverts hard in the workplace.

Here are some examples of each.

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 7

Work Overload

Recently out of school, a woman I know named Mady landed a plum

job as a staff accountant at a large health care organization. She was

looking forward to learning a lot and using her education. The

honeymoon period of the first few weeks flew by, and her manager

was pleased with her work. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the

picture had changed dramatically. Mady was getting into the office

at 6:30 A.M. and leaving after 7:00 P.M. Her schedule was causing

friction with her boyfriend and friends.

What happened in the interim? Mady had been pulled onto a

few projects, and word got out that she was a sharp employee.

When asked to join a project, she didn’t say no. Afraid that peo-

ple would think she was not capable or willing, Mady ended up

drowning in a sea of projects and deadlines. In the end, she strug-

gled to deliver on all her commitments. Her boss was not even aware

of all her work, or he might have put the brakes on his overeager

employee.

Have you ever found yourself unable to say no to a work request?

For introverted people, lacking the self-assurance and confidence to

assert themselves in social situations can affect not only their

performance, but even more importantly, their health. It is not as

much stress (which will always be there) but our reaction to it that

causes problems. Mady’s inability to set limits and ask for some

direction from her boss created work/life balance issues that were

destined to get worse.

Physical Symptoms

At a recent seminar, I was talking with two withdrawn men who

both acknowledged that they stuttered at meetings when called on

to speak. In more relaxed surroundings, like the class, they were fine,

but in this work situation they froze up. These participants illustrated

that there is most likely a mind-body connection to stress. Symptoms

like headaches, stomachaches, and back problems can also be corre-

lated with stress reactions. Even the awkwardness that introverted

people sometimes feel with people can take its toll. Holding feelings

8 The Introverted Leader

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 8

inside when we are frustrated makes it highly likely that these types

of physical symptoms will occur.

People Exhaustion

It is also common for introverted leaders to become very tired when

they are forced to continually be with people. Fatigue and a sense

of dread can set in before a social event, and these get-togethers are

endured with clenched teeth. One of my introverted colleagues left

a convention a day early because of her exhaustion from being around

“so many happy, talkative people.” Another asked me if I had heard

the joke about the introverted manager who said he would rather

stay home with a bad book that he had already read than face one

of those awful cocktail receptions.

One of the ways you can tell if you are introverted is that you

need time to recharge your batteries and decompress after you spend

time with others. The author of Mars and Venus in the Workplace,

John Gray, PhD, portrays a “cave” as a metaphor for a man’s place

of retreat, where he can take a needed break from the opposite sex.

Many introverts tell me that a similar type of escape is essential to

recover from the utter exhaustion they feel from being surrounded

by extroverts.

I have some empathy. I was on a relaxing beach vacation recently

when one of the hotel guests caused me to experience a stress reac-

tion. He seemed like a nice guy at the beginning of our conversa-

tion. After he did not shut up for the next 45 minutes, and after I

tried several times to interject a comment or a question, I felt tired

and not heard. This is what I believe introverts must feel daily.

Sometimes, being surprised can create stress. Paul Otte, an IT

project manager at IBM with more than 15 years of experience, said

that he experiences stress when he is called on to respond quickly

and does not have an answer. He described it as feeling “naked.”

He worries most about the people he calls “snipers,” the folks who

use some esoteric piece of data to discredit his point.

Forcing yourself to play a visible management role can also take

its toll. Being outgoing, conversational, and engaged is something

that Sid Milstein does as a leader. He also finds that he can become

Four Key Challenges 9

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 9

mentally exhausted from the role playing, not the discussion. Sid told

me, “It can take the form of a headache, the need to be alone to

reflect upon ‘what I’ve just done.’ It’s no different than what I might

feel after a physical workout. ...Of course in the continuing acting

role, I have to disguise this from everyone else, which keeps my stress

level up.” Adapting their behavior can become easier over time, but

it will never be their natural style. Introverted professionals have to

be self-aware on a continual basis, and this takes a great deal of

energy.

2. Perception Gaps

There are often key differences between how we think people see us

and how they actually do. You have heard the phrase, “perception

is reality.” In his book Cracking the Code, Thom Hartman says, “The

meaning of communication is the response you get.”

It can be helpful

for introverted professionals to understand the nature and results of

this disconnect between their intended message and what comes

across. Negative impressions, and possibly being labeled as slow

thinkers or as having no backbone are some of the negative per-

ceptions that introverted leaders may face. Let’s take a closer look

at each of these.

Negative Impressions

Introverted people do not intend to create a negative impression. Yet,

they often do with others who are more outgoing. They want to be

seen as competent and confident in their work environments, but

along the way, this can get derailed. Their silence and sparse words

can create the impression that they are withdrawn, gruff, insensitive,

or even rude. This prompts others to ask, “What’s wrong?” when

introverts don’t feel that anything is the matter. Jonathon Rauch wrote

a terrific article for The Atlantic Monthly called “Caring for Your

Introvert.”

He said that introverts are often asked if they are okay,

and also told they are too serious. He went on to discuss the dis-

connect between extroverts and introverts in this way: “Extroverts

have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company,

especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why

10 The Introverted Leader

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 10

someone would need to be alone; indeed they often take umbrage

at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to

extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood.

They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Impressions are formed early on in a relationship and though they

don’t intend to be seen as angry or curmudgeons, introverted people

are often perceived this way. Unfortunately, these impressions tend

to stick.”

Self-expression can also lead to misunderstandings in others. The

Infinite Mind, a radio show on public radio, covered the topic of

shyness in a recent episode. Though shyness is associated with a lack

of confidence and anxiety, and is different from introversion, the

following comment is still relevant. One of the subjects interviewed

spoke of having a distinctive voice that people commented on: “All

of a sudden I knew that they noticed something about me. And I

guess it’s that feeling of being noticed. It’s like people getting the

wrong impression. People don’t really understand who you are

because your outside presents something very different. But inside,

you could be really strong, very aware, and very bright, and . ..

because you are a little bit introverted or intimidated you come across

as this fumbling, kind of high-voiced silly girl.”

In the absence of words, sinister assumptions can be formed by

others and projected onto the quiet person. One introvert found that

others on his IT work team thought that he was plotting some scheme

and manipulating the boss. Why? It was simply because he was quiet

at meetings. The office politics became pretty ugly, and misunder-

standings accumulated from this wrong perception.

Slow Thinkers

Another misperception is that introverted people lack quick think-

ing. If they don’t share their ideas immediately they are not seen as

contributors. Martin Schmidler, vice president, information tech-

nology at a food service distribution company, shared comments rep-

resentative of many introverts. “I like to listen, hear all the facts, all

the different points of view and I like to process them.” He went on

to say that often, pausing to offer a carefully considered response

Four Key Challenges 11

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 11

can be perceived as either not being quick enough, being a procras-

tinator, or even being indecisive, a major faux pas for those on the

leadership track. People who listen first are seen as not being able

to think on their feet, another major liability in many organizational

cultures. Martin, by the way, did learn to close this perception gap

by taking deliberate steps addressed later in this chapter.

No Backbone

Quieter people can also be seen as weak, with no backbone, especially

when many leaders around them adopt more aggressive stances.

Others are jockeying for position, and when the introvert does not

push back, the more reserved personality can easily be manipulated.

As a result, you may get assigned roles you didn’t choose and, like

Mady, who was described earlier, an overloaded plate. Unless you

develop more assertive behaviors, this pattern continues and can make

it very difficult for you as a quieter individual to be seen as a strong

leader.

3. Career Derailers

It requires more than technical or subject matter expertise to get

people motivated and achieve results. Interpersonal skills are key as

you take on leadership roles. When you are achieving results for your

company and developing relationships, career possibilities open up

both in your organization and in your field. Introverted people

inevitably hit a wall in their careers when they don’t attend to the

relationships side of the equation. These “soft skills,” as they used

to be called, are now taking center stage as necessary competencies.

Hence, there has been tremendous investment in training and coach-

ing for professionals, and leadership development programs have

mushroomed in recent years. Some career derailers are the under-

sell, missed connections, avoiding politics, and working harder not

smarter.

The Undersell

Careers are made or broken by what people know about you and

your accomplishments. Southerners in the United States have an

12 The Introverted Leader

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 12

expression, “Don’t brag on yourself.” In other words, be humble.

Unfortunately, the world of work doesn’t go by these rules. You can’t

expect people to be mind readers, so by not highlighting the results

you have obtained, you can stay stagnant in your role. Other missed

opportunities may include promotions, choice assignments, and

opportunities to do something that is new and different. Sid Milstein

said, “An extrovert might easily sell themselves in a favorable light,

but I keep waiting for that phone call.”

If you don’t talk about what you do, people don’t know about

either your skills or your potential. So, if you don’t “brag on your-

self,” you can miss out on the challenging job and project opportu-

nities that occur in fluid organizational structures.

When project leaders are looking for the right person to take

charge, you are not on their radar screen. It can also have serious

consequences for your career progression. Not selling themselves was

a an often-lamented regret of the people I interviewed for this book.

Missed Connections

“It is not what you know, but who you know,” goes the old expres-

sion. This still rings true today. Mary Toland said a missed oppor-

tunity to build relationships earlier in her career greatly impacted

her career progression. She didn’t realize until later that it would

make sense to stop in and chat with her bosses about their families,

sports, etc. In her company’s culture, it was important to forge rela-

tionships to further your career.

People hire people they know and trust. I joined one organization

that discouraged the exchanging of business cards at events. Members

got to know each other through working together on projects in the

community. From that type of real experience of interacting with each

other, you learned whether you wanted to engage in business together.

Today, I consider some of these folks (a number of introverts among

them) key members of my own personal advisory board.

If you are hesitant to branch out of your comfort zone, and fail

to expand your network in and out of work, you will never forge

the kind of relationships that make you a visible and valuable asset

to your organization and profession.

Four Key Challenges 13

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 13

Avoiding Politics

Most people think of office politics as a negative, nasty game. Gossip,

rumors, innuendo, and backstabbing are certainly part of the mix.

For quieter people, laying low can keep them focused and more

productive, especially during times of crisis. However, much of the

political game is natural and not necessarily negative.

Politics (the good kind) is also about putting political capital in

the bank, where it builds with compound interest over time. This

means connecting with the right people, who are not necessarily the

most senior members of the organization, but are often the people

others respect and who are well-networked themselves. Making

deposits of this political capital involves spending time with these

people, finding out their critical priorities and needs, and determin-

ing where the organization is headed. Learning more about the culture

from your network helps you to craft your goals.

Working Harder Not Smarter

I teach management seminars for mid-level and aspiring leaders. The

seminars, which cover communication and business skills, are

typically filled with professionals who deal with data or informa-

tion. People come from areas such as accounting, finance, engineering,

and IT. They are researching pharmaceuticals that may save members

of my family. They are planning bridges and helping their compa-

nies stay in compliance with complex regulations. Most are high

performers, or their companies would not be investing thousands of

dollars a year in their development. They are not slackers. However,

many lack critical people skills.

Are you occasionally getting out of your cube like the extroverts

do in order to have these critical conversations? Many introverts avoid

these relationship-building discussions altogether. It is natural to

retreat to your office, or if you are telecommuting, to rarely check

in. Avoiding people and working hard at your job can be effective

for a while. In many fast-paced organizations, where lots of

interpersonal interaction is required, it can take so much energy that

little is left to devote to the job. Being an “actor,” as many introverts

14 The Introverted Leader

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 14

have expressed, takes everything you have. As one person told me,

“It is painful sometimes to put on a happy face.” We only have a

certain amount of energy. If you don’t learn effective ways of getting

comfortable being with people, then you come to work geared up

for battle, tensed up, and just trying to survive the day. With this

approach, it is highly likely that your performance will be affected.

When the next promotion, or new and exciting assignment, comes

around, it very well may not be yours.

4. Invisibility

Not being front and center is another trait that can create problems

for introverts in the workplace. The key impacts of being invisible

are lost opportunities, ideas not heard, and lost personal power.

Lost Opportunities

The “shiny” extroverted person will often get the resources he needs

to do his job while his more introverted co-worker sits back in frus-

tration. This may happen even if the extroverted person is all show.

Laurie Nichols, CEO of a successful nonprofit organization, said,

“These people are all fluff and no stuff.” Despite the fact that the

introvert is plugging away, he may not be getting the credit for his

work. When it comes time for budget allocations, pay raises, or plum

assignments, guess who loses out? Management tends to overlook

the strengths, capabilities, and accomplishments of the introverted

person when these folks are not taking center stage.

One young introverted leader in public relations has noticed that

meetings in his company are a place where perceptions are formed.

He believes they make a huge difference in your future and thinks

that the relationships that are cultivated in this group setting lead

to impressions that are formed by higher management. Because he

hasn’t been one to “throw it around,” he believes that he is not getting

some choice assignments even though he is completing those types

of tasks quickly and efficiently. “People know you are there but you

are not holding the banner.”

Remaining in the background in these situations is similar to

looking for work in a city where you don’t live. When you are out

Four Key Challenges 15

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 15

of sight it is much harder to be “top of mind” to employers. In organ-

izations people forget that you are there. The result can be a demo-

tivating cycle in which you become frustrated from not getting

rewards. You are not sure what you need to do, aside from turn your

temperament upside down.

Ideas Not Heard

Because introverts tend to be more laid back, their insights, ideas,

and solutions can fly under the radar. Introverted clients have often

told me that they are unable to find a slot in which to insert their

ideas, particularly in group discussions. In one-on-one dialogue with

extroverts, they also have a hard time interjecting their comments

and being heard. Many scratch their heads and sense that their slower,

more deliberate style may be the culprit. They complain that even

when they do have a chance to speak up, their ideas are either passed

over or co-opted by the more aggressive types on their team.

Laurie Nichols described a frustrating experience that created stress

for her and the other quieter individuals in a high-profile leadership

program. “The extroverts really dominated the air space every time

we got together. ...It was a dog and pony show for them. Every time

I would try to insert myself into the group discussion, I would be inter-

rupted by an extrovert who would then redirect the conversation. ...

I was suffering from introversion.” Fading into the woodwork is an

experience many other introverted leaders have highlighted.

Some also complain of their ideas not sticking. A seasoned IT

leader at IBM told me that his natural style is to reflect on ideas quietly

and then send out an e-mail with his carefully considered responses.

He finds that he has not been particularly effective in getting his

ideas heard. Even poorly designed proposals that get floated in a

public forum seem to have more staying power than those sent out

in e-mails later on. In his organization, you are judged more by your

verbal than written input.

Lost Personal Power

In addition to reducing influence in corporate discussion and deci-

sion making, being invisible can cost personal power and influence.

16 The Introverted Leader

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 16

I recently learned of a particularly frustrating situation that affected

an introverted team leader. Apparently, he needed some reporting

data from each person on the team by a certain date, and he let them

know this via e-mail. When he didn’t receive the information, he

wrote a nasty e-mail to the team berating them for their lack of com-

pliance, also telling them that they didn’t care about the project. Had

he checked with the group by phone or in person, he would have

found that the system required to obtain the data had broken down

and was causing the delay.

E-mail has been called a “multiplier of misunderstandings.”

Though e-mail has been a boon for introverts, it can also create

numerous disconnects, and sour just the relationships you need to

build to succeed as a leader.

For example, as a result of this manager’s e-mail follow-up, his

team is pretty soured on him, and I suspect he will continue to have

a challenging time keeping them on board with the work ahead. By

making faulty assumptions about their attitude and lack of compli-

ance, he relinquished any personal power he might have had.

Awareness Helps

The challenges discussed in this chapter can feel daunting at times,

but the good news is that you can and will deal with these detours.

If you know they lie ahead you can prepare for them and turn poten-

tial obstacles into opportunities to change, and then you will become

an even stronger leader than you already are.

The next step is taking action. Let’s talk about how to turn

these challenges into opportunities by using a practical process

called the 4 P’s.

Four Key Challenges 17

Kahnweiler08_C01_trade_Kahnweiler08_C01 2/11/13 3:41 PM Page 17