Big Training Manual
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For more resources and ps visit
www.slobigs.org
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Big Training Manual
Topics Page
About the Agency
2
Your Role as a Big
4
The Enrollment and Matching Process
6
Guidelines and Groundrules
8
Partnering with Staff and Parents
10
Healthy Communication
12
Relationship Stages
14
Child Development
15
Free and Low Cost Activity Ideas
18
Special Needs Kids
22
Child Safety
24
Bullying
26
LGBTQ Support
34
Cultural Awareness and Language Barriers
38
Strategies & Scenarios for Common Problems
42
Ending the Match
43
B
About BBBS and SLO Bigs
ig Brothers Big Sisters of America
(BBBSA) has been changing disadvantaged
children’s lives for the beer by matching
them with adult volunteers in fun and reward-
ing relaonships since 1904. Big Brothers Big
Sisters of San Luis Obispo County (SLO Bigs)
began making matches in 1995. Our local
agency has received numerous “Big of the
Year” and “Gold Standard” awards from the
State of California and Naonal associaons.
We are very excited that you are considering
joining our agency as a volunteer mentor.
Currently, we have two programs:
1. In our , Each
adult mentor meets with a Lile in the com-
munity at a me convenient for both. This one
-on-one program requires a minimum of 6
hours a month for at least a year, with phone,
postal or electronic contact during the weeks
in-between visits. Many matches meet more
oen. This booklet is designed for new volun-
teers who are considering a match in the
Community Based Program.
2. Our at Sinsheimer,
Morro Bay, and Nipomo Elementary schools,
allow teen and young adult mentors to work
with elementary students one day a week
aer school. If you are under the age of 24
and may be unavailable during the summer
months, volunteering in our School Based Pro-
gram may be a beer t for you.
We serve all of SLO county from
our two oces at:
517 13
th
Street, Paso Robles
(805) 239-3534
142 Cross Street, Suite 140, SLO
(805) 781-3226
Big Training Manual
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Our mission is to provide children facing adversity with
strong and enduring, professionally supported 1-
to-1 relaonships that change their lives for the
We partner with parents/guardians, volunteers and others in the
community
in our program achieving:
Welcome to Big Brothers Big Sisters
of San Luis Obispo County
This is what we do, this why we do it, and
this is why it maers:
SLO Bigs opened in April of 1995 with the rst
“match”. Since opening, over 1,100 children
have been “matched” through our program.
Currently, we have about 150 acve matches.
Children from your community who could
benet from having a posive adult role
model.
Children who have asked to be matched
with a mentor.
Children ages 6 to 18.
Most children in our Community-Based pro-
grams come to us through their parent or care
-giver. Most children in our School-Based pro-
grams come to us through a teacher or coun-
selor. We also reach out to involve children
through churches, youth service agencies, and
other referrals. All children and their parents
are excited to be in our program.
Site and School Community
Socio-Emotional 96.6% 97.9%
Educational Success 95.2% 94.5%
Avoidance of 83.4% 88.8%
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Big Training Manual
he success of the match friendship depends greatly on the eorts of the Big, the Lile, and the Parent. Each one
plays an important role in helping build a meaningful friendship.
It won’t be long before you meet your Lile Brother or Lile Sister for the rst me. And, when you do, it will help for you
to understand your role as a Big.
Emphasizes friendship over changing the behavior.
Are not authoritarian.
Decide activities together with Littles.
Acknowledges that positive impact on the child
comes after the relationship is built.
Have realistic expectations about the Little.
Are patient.
Are consistent & dependable.
Focuses on having fun.
Sets boundaries and limits.
Put child safety and well-being first.
T
As noted by Dr. Belle Liang Rhodes and Dr. Renee Spencer in their book "First
Do No Harm: Ethical Principles for Youth Mentoring Relaonships”, the ve
guiding principles for ethical behavior in youth mentoring relaonships are:
Promote the welfare and safety of the young person;
Be trustworthy and responsible;
Act with integrity
Promote jusce for young people; and
Respect the young person's rights and dignity.
A “Big” Is Not
…A Social Worker or Doctor. If your “Little” tells you about experiences or health conditions that concern you, always turn to staff
for help.
Although arming yourself with informaon about, say, a learning disability or abuse may help you understand your Lile
beer, it is not your responsibility to try to address condions or situaons that require professional help. The sta may
be able to nd addional help for the child and/or
family, including local informaon and referral services.
You should not see your role in this relaonship as coming in to make a young person’s life beer or to x
their problems. Certainly your support can help your Lile overcome hurdles. But don’t forget that every young person—
regardless of circumstances—has gis and talents that make him/her more than a “recipient” of your support. Your Lile
should be treated as having much to oer to the world, because s/he does.
A Parent
Financial support
A Peer
A Therapist
An ATM
Childcare provider
A disciplinarian or authority gure
Provider of professional services
Tutor (although somemes school-
related acvies are part of your
me together)
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W
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e all had someone in our lives, other than a parent, who made a dierence in our lives. This is what you can
do for a child in our program. It’s really prey simple, it’s a maer of making yourself available on a consistent basis.
It’s showing you care. It’s having fun with a child. It’s listening to him/her talk about whatever is going on in his/her life.
It’s a series of small, teachable moments that, in the end, make a BIG dierence.
Changes in your Lile tend to occur slowly. Your Lile may not call you or suggest acvies for you to do - this is normal
behavior. Oen Liles won’t say “thank you”, but this doesn’t mean s/he isn’t enjoying the me with you. It just takes
me for the relaonship to form.
Bigs must make themselves available to a Lile for at each month, for . If you
aend college and go home for the summer, or know you will be studying abroad, please let your Program Specialist
know you are matched in the Community Based program, so that we may nd the perfect mentoring opportunity
for you. Volunteer Bigs should reside in the same county as the Lile for at least a year and should oer consistent ac-
vies with the Lile. Stability is vital for our Liles. We must emphasize the importance of communicang with our
agency about any life changes you ancipate during the next 12 months. Please read the Ground Rules and Guidelines
on page 8 thoroughly to ensure this program is the right t for you.
It’s prey simple. By building a trusng friendship with a child you can make a powerful impact in his/her life. That’s
what it’s all about.
Here are some thoughts on making a dierence:
By being there you are making a dierence even if you don’t think you are.
If you’re concerned about not making a dierence, talk it over with your Match Support specialist.
Be a good friend: Listen, have fun, take me to get to know this new person in your life. Choose acvies that you both
enjoy and that will strengthen the bond between you. Don’t set out to impose mandatory changes in the Lile. Posive
behaviors will ow aer your Lile trusts you and your Lile grows more secure, not by your declaring mandatory new
behaviors that the Lile has to do.
Be Consistent: Show the child you think your me together is important.
Get involved in agency acvies:
This connects you with other Bigs & Liles and allows your Lile to interact with other kids in the program.
Regularly communicate your Match Support Specialist:
All program parcipants (Bigs, Liles and parents) are REQUIRED to contact their Match Support Specialist at least
once a month during the rst year of the match, and at least quarterly thereaer. This is an opportunity for Bigs to
discuss safety concerns or relaonship issues as well as a chance to learn about current free ckets, special events
or valuable resources.
Regularly communicate with your Lile and the Guardian:
Your Lile’s guardian will be one of our greatest resources. Checking in before and aer each oung will help you
gain insight to your Lile's interests and behaviors while alleviang miscommunicaons.
Work for a long-lasng relaonship.
Realize that problems may come up.
Try to balance your expectaons of what it will be like with your Lile and be realisc about how fast the relaonship
will take to develop. It’s normal for problems to arise in a match relaonship.
Ask your Match Support Specialist for help any me!
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Big Training Manual
About the
Enrollment Process for Bigs
Step 1. Contact our local Big Brothers Big Sisters
agency to learn more about the specic need
for mentors in YOUR neighborhood.
Call the oce nearest to you:
(805) 239-3534 in Paso or
(805) 781-3226 in SLO,
or email o[email protected].
Or, visit www.slobigs.org
Step 2. Complete the stream-lined applicaon
process with the help of friendly, supporve
sta.
Complete an applicaon form, in-person
interview, and training session. Register your
ngerprints at a local LiveScan locaon. Agency
sta will complete your background check.
Step 3. When you’re ready, meet the child YOU
have chosen to mentor.
Step 4. Invite your “Lile” to join you for 6
hours each month to share hobbies, sports, in-
terests and acvies you already enjoy.
Big Brothers Big Sisters retains the right
to accept or deny participants, or close
a match at any time. Should we notify
you that you are not accepted as a vol-
unteer Big, you may appeal by: contact-
ing our Program Director, Tatiana Abun-
dis, by emailing T[email protected].
Potential Littles, along with their families, are
also screened to ensure that our mentoring
programs are the best fit for the Littles
needs. The process for youth and families is
similar to that of our volunteers and looks
like this:
About the
Enrollment Process for Littles
Step 1. Contact our local Big Brothers Big Sisters agency to
learn more about the program and it’s availability in your area.
Step 2. Complete the stream-lined application process with the
help of friendly, supportive staff.
Complete an application form, in-person interview, and
training session. Agency staff will assess child and family for
need and fit.
Step 3. When you’re ready, meet the mentor YOU have chosen.
Step 4. Join your “Big” for 6 or more hours each month to share
hobbies, sports, interests and activities you both enjoy.
Leading the enrollment and matching processes
are professionals whose job it is to make the best
possible match. When a match is made, a Match
Support Specialist oversees the relationship by
providing coaching, ensuring safety, assisting in
goal-oriented activities, referring services, and
helping you, the Little and his/her family with
needs. It is therefore critical for all match parties
to treat contact by the Match Support Specialist as
a serious component of match development. Lack
of response to Match Support’s contacts is
grounds for match suspension or termination,
which can have detrimental impact on the Little.
Later in the process, you’ll receive training and in-
struction on our policies, procedures and guide-
lines – all of which are designed to help you have
the most positive impact on a Little as possible.
Big Training Manual
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About the Matching Process
NARROWING IT DOWN:
As you are completing the enrollment process, agency staff are working hard behind the scenes to complete
your background check and assess your personality, interests, expectations, availability, motivations and
training needs. Prepared with this information, they consider each child on our list to determine which ones
might be a fit for you.
MAKING A CHOICE:
As soon as a possible fit is identified, agency staff will call you to discuss the options. You will be given a full
description of each child, including his/her family, history, energy level, activity preferences, interests, per-
sonality, location and availability. You will also be alerted to any challenges likely to arise in the match, and
offered strategies for overcoming them. You may ask unlimited questions about the child and family. When
you feel you have enough information to make a choice, you can decide immediately, or take some time
think it over. There is never any hurry or pressure. We know the right match is the one that feels right to all
parties from the beginning.
GETTING INTRODUCED!
If the Little and parent whom you have chosen also approve the match, you will be invited to a Match Meet-
ing at place and time that work with your schedule. You and your Little will play games, get to know each
other and create a list of activity ideas that interest you both. Everyone will review the guidelines, ground
rules and expectations of the program. You will exchange contact information and have the opportunity for a
one-to-one discussion with the parent.
About the Match Relationship
CONSISTENT CONNECTION WITH THE LITTLE: Bigs and Littles spend a minimum of 6 hours a month with
each other for at least 12 consecutive months. They share in-person outings no fewer than twice per month
and communicate by phone, text, email, U.S. Post or social media during the weeks they don’t see each
other.
COMMUNICATION WITH THE PARENT: Open and on-going communication between the parent and the Big is
necessary for a the development and maintenance of a healthy, happy mentoring relationship for the child.
Bigs must secure permission and approval for all outings and activities from the parent.
CHECKING IN WITH THE AGENCY: Bigs, Littles and parents all communicate with the Match Support Special-
ist as soon as practical after the first outing and then once a month for the first year of the match. If all par-
ties desire to continue the match after the first year, check-ins are required quarterly.
About Ending the Match
ENDING THE BIG/LITTLE RELATIONSHIP: When it’s time for Bigs and Littles to say good-bye to each other,
it’s very important that all program participants communicate openly with the agency, and with each other.
Closing the match without guidance from your Match Support Specialist can be harmful to the Little. After
the match closes, many Bigs and Littles qualify for a re-match, if interested.
ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE AGENCY: Some Bigs and Littles stay connected for decades or a life-
time. While the agency no longer actively supports program participants after the child turns 18 AND gradu-
ated High School, we remain available to our alumni should they need our support at any time.
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Big Training Manual
Guidelines and Ground Rules for ALL Program Participants
These rules are based on in-depth study of mentoring successes and challenges during the last 100+ years
since Big Brothers Big Sisters of America began. They are IMPORTANT for ensuring youth safety, adult
liability protection, and healthy happy outcomes for all parties.
Starting today, for at least one year, Big and Little will meet for a MINIMUM of 6 hours each month, divided
into at least 2 meetings, and stay in touch during weeks without in-person visits. Acceptable methods in-
clude: phone, voicemail, skype, facebook, text, postcards, letters, etc.
Monthly contact between SLO Bigs Staff & EACH program participant will be conducted via phone, email,
text or social media. I will reply to ALL Agency contact attempts within 2 business days.
SLO Bigs Staff must be notified if a program participant’s contact information changes.
Big and Little will limit involvement of others during their shared outings, to promote the development of a one
-to-one mentoring relationship. Blgs will personally supervise Littles at all times during outings and never
leave Little to be supervised by another adult who has not been thoroughly screened by the SLO Bigs
Staff and approved by the parent.
All sensitive or personal information learned about other program participants can be discussed openly with
SLO Bigs Staff, but will otherwise be kept confidential.
All child safety concerns, including SUSPECTED abuse or neglect, must be reported immediately to SLO
Bigs Staff, who will contact Child Welfare Services when appropriate.
Permission from the parent/guardian is required BEFORE all match activities.
Permission from SLO Bigs Staff is required before overnight activities, expensive outings or gifts.
Big and Little may ONLY participate in over-night activities AFTER 6 months of being matched. Permission
from the parent and Agency Staff is required.
NO SECRETS are allowed between Big and Little. All social media and electronic communication between
Bigs and Littles will be accessible and/or monitored by the parent. All activities shared between Big and
Little will be reported to parent/guardians and to SLO Bigs Staff.
During match activities, reasonable safety precautions will always be taken to avoid risk or injury to the child.
The parent and SLO Bigs staff will be notified if an injury occurs during an outing. If necessary, the Big
will seek emergency medical treatment for the Little. Big shall only administer medicine to the Little if par-
ents has previously given clear permission and instructions for doing so.
I will strive to communicate openly, respectfully and directly with the other parties of the match, be on-time
and give advance notice when changing plans.
Big shall not make monetary donations to the family. Donations of services shall be discussed and arranged
with SLO Bigs Staff in advance.
I will contact SLO Bigs right away if I feel unhappy, uncomfortable, confused, frustrated, disappointed, unsure
or concerned about the relationship or the program.
When it is time to end the match relationship, I will consider the needs of the other parties and actively partici-
pate in the closure procedure, guided by SLO Bigs Staff.
I understand and agree to abide by the guidelines and ground rules listed above. I will communicate directly
with SLO Bigs staff if I or another program participant are unable to consistently comply for any reason.
Big Training Manual
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Guidelines and Ground Rules for Bigs Only
I will maintain automobile liability insurance on any vehicle owned by me which will be used to transport my Little,
and I will transport him/her only in vehicles which are covered by an automobile liability insurance policy. I will be
aware of and follow all relevant state laws regarding seat belts and car seats.
I accept complete responsibility for my actions as a volunteer in the Big Brothers Big Sisters of San Luis Obispo
County Community Based program; and, I agree to hold Big Brothers Big Sisters and all members, agents, repre-
sentatives, and employees of that organization harmless and free from liability for my actions as a volunteer in the
Big Brothers Big Sisters program.
I agree to refrain from smoking, drinking alcohol, or using any mood altering substances or having related para-
phernalia loose in my car or in my home when I am with my Little. I understand all medications are to be locked up,
or safely put up, when a Little is visiting my home or when medications are in my car and I am transporting my Lit-
tle.
I acknowledge that Big Brothers Big Sister of San Luis Obispo County will not be held liable for any damages, risk
or harm to the Little Brother/Little Sister in regard to guns in the household. I agree to place all guns in a locked
and safe compartment and to keep all ammunition in a separate, locked compartment.
Guidelines and Ground Rules for Parents Only
I will not take away outings with the Big as a means of discipline for my child.
I will help my child promptly return all contact attempts by the Big and SLO Bigs Staff.
If I need help communicating directly with the Big, obtaining resources for my family or supporting my child
academically, I will remember that SLO Bigs Staff is available to assist me.
.
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Big Training Manual
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Big Brothers Big Sisters works hard to support
the relaonship you have with your Lile. Our goal is
for the relaonship to be as successful as possible for
everyone.
Bigs and Liles work with their Match Support Specialist
from their agency. This specialist also works with the
Lile’s parent / guardian.
Along the way to forming a safe and lasng friendship your
Match Support Team will be in touch with all of you to help
you and your Lile. Somemes they will call, meet you in
person, Facebook or email you to make contact.
You can think of your Match Support specialist as the main
link between you, your Lile, your Lile’s parent and the
agency.
Give you ideas about low cost, fun and learning acv-
ies you can do with your Lile.
Provide coaching on specic topics when quesons
arise.
If necessary, help you work through any problems
you might have with your Lile and/or his/her par-
ents.
Provide you feedback on how you’re making a dier-
ence.
Find informaon and resources for which you might
be interested.
Oer donated ckets to community/sports events.
Keep you updated on acvies oered by the agency.
Help you communicate with your Lile and their par-
ent.
You don’t need to wait to hear from your Match Support
Specialist– we love to be contacted by Bigs. Here are
some good reasons for calling your Match Support Spe-
cialist:
To get feedback from the Lile, and Parent/Guardian
about how the match is going.
Share fun stories about your match.
Discuss concerns you are having with your match or the
safety of your Lile.
Ask for acvity ideas and nd out about current
events at BBBS.
Report any emergency situaons.
Contact your Match Support Specialist by phone
and/or email--whichever is most convenient for
you.
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If your Match Support Specialist is not available please
ask to speak to anyone in the program oce. We make
it a priority to serve you when you need it. Please be
aware that due to sta and turnover, your Match Sup-
port Specialist may change from me to me. Learning
the history of our exisng matches is an important part
of training for new Match Support Specialist. So, even if
you speak to someone new, s/he will be learning about
your history with the program and excited about geng
to know you beer.
Regular “check ins”
with SLO Bigs staff
are MANDATORY.
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11
P
arents have entrusted their child to you. They remain the leaders in their family and our role is to sup-
port them whenever we can, when appropriate. It’s important that we respect and honor that. The parent’s
support is crical to the success of the match. It may take a while to establish your role with the parent.
Listed below are some ways you can work with the Parent/Guardian.
Communicate with them before and aer an acvity. Describe what you plan to do and what you’ve done
together.
Make sure they are aware of acvity plans, and ask if the acvity is ok (do not rely on the Lile to tell the
Parent/Guardian about plans).
Let them know about any changes in plans. If, for some reason, your plans need to change mid-oung,
contact the parent immediately to discuss the change with the parent.
Respect the privacy and condenality of your Lile’s family.
Maintain a primary relaonship with your Lile and do not become overly involved with the rest of his/her
family.
Talk to your Match Support Specialist about any concerns you have about your Lile/Lile’s family or your
Lile’s well-being
Work with the parent as a team to support the Little.
Volunteer mentors need to respect a parent’s role and authority. They should strive to support the
existing family relationships. They should never come between a parent and a child, as doing so can do
more harm than good for the child as well as damage the mentoring relationship.
If the child says something negative about the parent it may be appropriate to contradict him/her.
It may also be appropriate to let the child express his/her emotions without contradictions. It is never ap-
propriate to agree with a child who is criticizing or complaining about his/her parent.
When returning the child to the home after an outing, always walk the child to the door and take a
moment to check in with the parent.
Do not communicate with the parent through the child. Permission and approval for outings and
activities should be obtained directly not second-hand. If a language barrier exists, it is ok to accept trans-
lation assistance from the child but the conversation should still be happening directly between the par-
ent and Big, will all parties present. Remember that SLO Bigs Staff is also available to provide translations
services. Contact the office for more information.
Build trust and confidence with advance scheduling.
The best time to schedule the next outing is before the current outing ends. During your time togeth-
er, discuss with the Little what activity you will do next time. The best method is to offer the Little 2-5
choices and let him/her choose. Get permission and approval from the parent when you return the
child to his/her home.
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Big Training Manual
Bigs and Liles listen to the others’ points of view and dis-
cuss which posion might be the best.
Meeng halfway -- both pares agree to sacrice some-
thing in order to resolve the conict.
Big shows that he or she understands the Lile’s wishes.
Helping Liles to forget about the conict by focusing
aenon on some other interesng acvity. (Especially
useful for young kids with shorter aenon spans or when
the conict doesn’t need much discussion.)
Diusing negave emoons by looking at the brighter side
of the situaon. It’s amazing how quickly a mood can
change with some humor.
Flipping a coin, playing row-sham-bow or drawing straws.
Working together to meet the needs of both pares.
Make your communicaon posive
Be clear and specic
Recognize that individuals see things
from dierent points of view
Be open and honest about your feel-
ings
Accept your Lile’s feelings and try to
understand them
Be supporve and accepng
Do not preach or lecture
Learn to listen
Maintain eye contact
Allow me for your Lile to talk with-
out interrupon; show you are
interested in what he or she has to say
Get feedback to be sure you are under-
stood
Listen for feeling tones as well as for
words
Ask quesons when you do not under-
stand
Set examples rather than giving advice.
(Students In Business, Inc., Be A Mentor Program)
Big Training Manual
13
One way to think about the dierence between eecve and ineecve communicaon is to think of sending
“I” or “you” messages. “You” messages are beliling, blaming, and put the responsibility for your feelings on
your Lile. Consequently, “I” statements are more eecve by allowing you to express your feelings and
thoughts directly, honestly, and clearly without blaming, accusing, or labeling. They state how you feel about a
specic behavior and the eect that behavior has on you.
Here are some examples:
Aer the inial “I” statement, what do you say? It is important to remember that children do not have the
same communicaon paerns as adults. A sigh of relief, a complete change of subject, the beginnings of a
smile, or an interest in an object nearby may be the only response. If your Lile does respond to you, you then
have the opportunity to encourage him/her to share. But an “I” statement from you, without a direct response
from your Lile, may have been enough. Trust that your Lile is listening. Remember to watch that body lan-
guage. And whether or not there is immediate discussion, you’ll know that you didn’t put your Lile in a posi-
on of blame.
Below are some communicaon ps for use in your Match relaonship.
:
One of the most overlooked aspects of communicaon is the act of listening. Listening in the true sense
means not talking, not lecturing, and not advising.
Many mes, a few minutes spent really listening will defuse much of the frustraon of adult-youth commu-
nicaon.
:
Another important aspect of communicaon is atude. During communicaon, youth oen react not to what
adults are saying, but the way they say it. This is especially true with teenagers.
Be aware of your atude aer a parcularly tough day; it may negavely aect the way you talk or listen
to your Lile.
:
Humor is oen the missing link in many adult/youth relaonships. Somemes even the most intense dis-
cussions can use an injecon of humor. It can serve to relieve a parcularly stressful moment and, at the
least, can indicate that things are sll okay in the world.
“You disappoint me!”
“Why do always you do that to me?”
“You really know how to frustrate me!”
“I feel disappointed when you don’t help the family
with your chores.”
“When you run into the parking lot without look-
ing, I’m afraid you might get hurt.”
“I feel so frustrated when you are silent with me.”
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Big Training Manual
A
Your Lile may be observing you to nd a rea-
son not to trust you.
What can you do to maintain the connecon?
Show your Lile that he/she can trust you,
through your reliability, consistency, and me
together. As trust develops, your Lile will
probably begin feeling closer.
Keep in contact with your Support Specialist
for ideas.
Recognize and praise accomplishments
If you need to give advice or address behavior
problems, give reasons why certain choices
might work beer for the Lile and/or for
you. Avoid saying "should."
-
What does this stage look like?
You will noce your relaonship with your
Lile has become more posive and realisc
and match acvies may be less structured.
Most Bigs have shed their preconceived no-
ons regarding the match and their Lile.
As the friendship matures, you will see the
maturity of your Lile as he/she grows and
develops.
What if it’s me to close the match?
The original commitment was just for 12
months. For some Bigs and Liles, that’s as
long as the relaonship lasts.
Check in with the Match Support Specialist as
soon as praccal to make a plan for transion
and/or closure.
What can you do to deepen the connecon?
Develop long term shared interests, acvies
that you will do frequently together and that
you both enjoy.
Idenfy past shared experiences and enjoy
shared "jokes."
Learn something new to both of you, togeth-
er.
s every experienced Big will tell you, the
friendship takes me to develop. It is a
dierent experience for every Big and
Lile, and no doubt your friendship will
be unique.
However, there are some that
most match friendships will go through at dier-
ent mes, usually depending on the level of
trust that has been established.
-
What does this stage look like?
You both are trying to gure out each oth-
er.
Liles may try to get their Bigs’ approvals or
impress them.
What can you do to build a connecon?
Pay aenon to facts about your Lile and
reference them in your conversa-
ons: e.g. favorite things, best
friend, where they’ve traveled.
Be consistent and exible, do what you said
you were going to do, but be understanding
if the family’s plans change.
Be paent and remember that relaonships
have ups and downs, and don't "happen"
by themselves.
-
-
What does this stage look like?
This is the most crucial me regarding the
development of the Big/Lile relaonship.
This is the me that may be a turning point
in the relaonship.
It is common, around the four-month date,
that your Lile will begin tesng you to see
what you are really about and how much
he/ she can get away with.
Big Training Manual
15
General Characteristics
Eager to learn, easily fatigued, short periods
of interest.
Learn best when they are active while learn-
ing.
Self-assertive, boastful, less cooperative,
more competitive.
Physical Characteristics
Are very active and need frequent breaks
from tasks. They like to do things that are fun
and involve use of energy.
Need rest periods.
Large muscles are well developed. Activities
involving small muscles are difficult (i.e.,
working on models with small pieces).
May tend to be accident prone.
Social Characteristics
Like organized games and are very con-
cerned about following rules.
Can be very competitive. May cheat at
games.
Are very imaginative and involved in fantasy
playing.
-
If you haven’t had recent experience with a child in the age group you’ll be matched with, we have some in-
formaon to help you work successfully with your Lile.
The following are general characteriscs of children in dierent age categories. The informaon is designed
to help you understand what your Lile might be like depending on his/her age. They also include some sug-
gested acvies.
As you read the descripons:
Keep in mind that they are generalizaons.
While they may provide a descripon of children in general, you may encounter something slightly dier-
ent with your Lile. This does not mean that there is something wrong with your Lile. It may mean that
they are not like the average child.
Somemes a child’s development may be delayed because of trauma or negave experiences or simply a
slower or faster development than others, so the stage they’re in at present may not correlate to their
age in years.
Are self-assertive, aggressive, want to be first,
less cooperative than at five, and boastful.
Learn best through active participation.
Emotional Characteristics
Are alert to feelings of others, but are una-
ware of how their own actions affect others.
Are very sensitive to praise and recognition.
Feelings are easily hurt.
Inconsistent in level of maturity evidenced;
regress when tired, often less mature at home
than with outsiders.
Mental Characteristics
Are very eager to learn.
Like to talk.
Their idea of fairness becomes a big issue.
Have difficulty making decisions.
Developmental Tasks
Sex role identification.
Early moral development.
Concrete operations - the child begins to ex-
perience the predictability of physical events.
5-7 YEAR OLDS-7 YEAR OLDS
16
Big Training Manual
General Characteristics
Interested in people, aware of differences,
willing to give more to others but expects
more.
Busy, active, full of enthusiasm, may try too
much, accident prone, interest in money and
its value.
Sensitive to criticism, recognize failure, ca-
pacity for self-evaluation.
Capable of prolonged interest, may make
plans on own.
Decisive, dependable, reasonable, strong
sense of right and wrong.
Spend a great deal of time in talk and discus-
sion, often outspoken and critical of adults
although still dependent on adult approval.
Physical Characteristics
Are very active and need frequent breaks
from tasks to do things that are fun for them
and involve use of energy.
Bone growth is not yet complete.
Early maturers may be upset with their size.
May tend to be accident prone.
Social Characteristics
Can be very competitive.
Are choosy about their friends.
Being accepted by friends becomes quite im-
portant.
Team games become popular.
Worshipping heroes, TV stars, and sports
figures is common.
Emotional Characteristics
Are very sensitive to praise and recognition.
Feelings are hurt easily.
Because friends are so important during this
time, there can be conflicts between adults’
rules and friend’s rules. You can help by
your honesty and consistency.
Mental Characteristics
Their idea of fairness becomes a big issue.
Are eager to answer questions.
Are very curious, and are collectors of every-
thing. However, they may jump to other ob-
jects of interest after a short time.
Want more independence, but know they
need guidance and support.
Wide discrepancies in reading ability.
Developmental Tasks
Social cooperation.
Self-evaluation/Skill learning
Team play
8-10 YEAR OLDS8EAR
11 - 13 11-13 YEAR OLDSOLDS
General Characteristic
Testing limits, “know-it-all attitude.”
Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejec-
tion, mood swings.
Identification with admired adult.
Bodies are going through physical changes
that affect personal appearance.
Physical Characteristics
Small-muscle coordination is good, and inter-
ests in art, crafts, models and music are popu-
lar.
Bone growth is not yet complete.
Early matures may be upset with their size.
Are very concerned with their appearance,
and very self-conscious about growth.
Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may
result in low energy levels.
Girls may begin menstruation.
Social Characteristics
Being accepted by friends becomes quite im-
portant.
Cliques start to develop outside of school.
Team games become popular.
Crushes on members of the opposite sex are
common.
Friends set the general rule of behavior.
Feel a real need to conform. They dress and
behave alike in order to “belong.”
Are very concerned about what others say
and think of them.
Have a tendency to manipulate others
(“Mary’s mother says she can go. Why can’t
I?”).
Interested in earning own money.
Big Training Manual
17
Emotional Characteristics
Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. Feelings are hurt easily.
Because friends are so important during this time, there can be conflicts between adults’ rules and
friends’ rules.
Are caught between being a child and being an adult.
Loud behavior hides their lack of self-confidence.
Look at the world more objectively, adults subjectively, critical.
Mental Characteristics
Tend to be perfectionists. If they try to attempt too much, they may feel frustrated and guilty.
Want more inde pendence, but know they need guidance and support.
Attention span can be lengthy.
General Characteristics
Testing limits, “know-it -all attitude.”
Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejec-
tion, mood swings.
Identification with admired adult.
Bodies are going through physical changes that
affect personal appearance.
Physical Characteristics
Are very concerned with their appearance and
very self-conscious about growth.
Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may
result in low energy levels.
Rapid weight gain at beginning of adolescence.
Enormous appetite.
Social Characteristics
Friends set the general rules of behavior.
Feel a real need to conform. They dress and
behave alike in order to “belong.”
Are very concerned about what others say and
think of them.
Have a tendency to manipulate others (“Mary’s
mother says she can go. Why can’t I?”).
Going to extremes, emotional instability with
“know-it-all” attitude.
Fear of ridicule and of being unpopular.
Strong identification with an admired adult.
Girls usually more interested in boys than girls,
resulting from earlier maturing of the girls.
Attention span can be lengthy.
14-16 YEAR OLDS14 YEAR OLDS
Emotional Characteristics
Are very sensitive to praise and recog-
nition. Feelings are easily hurt.
Are caught between being a child and
being an adult.
Loud behavior hides their lack of self-
confidence.
Look at the world more objectively,
adults subjectively, critical
Mental Characteristics
Can better understand moral princi-
ples.
Attention span can be lengthy.
Developmental Tasks
Physical maturation.
Formal operations.
Membership in the peer group.
Relating to the opposite sex.
18
Big Training Manual
1 5 0 + F R E E & L O W C O S T A C T I V I T Y I D E A S
1. Visit the Museum of Natural History in Morro Bay.
2. Visit the Hearst Castle visitor center. Tour the free museum. Watch the Imax movie to learn about art, architecture and local history. Look
for zebras.
3. Write a letter to congress or your local representative, sharing your feelings about local issues- positive or otherwise.
4. Roast mini-marshmallows with toothpicks over the flame of a candle.
5. Go dancing at or just listen at one of the many free outdoor summer concerts throughout SLO County.
6. Participate in a coastal clean-up day.
7. Grocery shop together. Make it fun or educational by planning a meal, practicing math, or having a scavenger hunt!
8. Check out a theatre production. Enjoy a High School production…especially at the school your attends or will attend in the future. Call the
SLO Bigs office to find out about free tickets for SLO Little Theatre, Kelrick Productions, Cal Poly or PCPA.
9. Visit Boo-Boo records and listen to the featured artists at the listening stations.
While expensive oungs are somemes allowed aer permission and approval from both the
parent and the SLO Bigs Sta, pricey acvies are discouraged.
1. We don’t want to teach children it costs money to have a friend or to have fun.
2. We don’t want to cause resentment or envy among other family members.
3. We don’t want cause confusion about the Big’s role in the family and in the child’s life.
4. We don’t want to set unrealisc expectaons for the child’s future.
5. We don’t want to miss opportunies to empower youth by teaching them how to set goals,
work towards achievement and earn success.
Contact your Match Support Specialist!
Ask the parent for suggesons.
Check out the current SLO Bigs newsleer in your email inbox.
Review past newsleers at www.slobigs.org
Google search with you Liles age and interests in mind
Read a local newspaper
Ask a librarian
list of free or low cost acvies you can do with your Lile in and around the county. This
list is printed here and can also be found at www.slobigs.org.
While not all of the acvies suggested will appeal to you both, many of them will. Simply reviewing the choic-
es together, and making plans for trying the things that interest you both, can be a fun acvity in itself. Discuss-
ing opportunies and creang a “wish list” or plan is also a great way to start a conversaon that helps you get
to know your Lile beer.
Big Training Manual
19
10. Go to Farmer's Market. See if you can identify the different types of fruits and vegetables. Sample something you’ve never eaten before.
11. Tour local yard sales. Let each person have $5 and see who can buy the best item for it. Learn the stories behind the stuff.
12. Have a competition to design a protective package for an un-boiled egg. You can not spend more than $1 on supplies. Then see whose egg
can be dropped from a pre-determined height with out breaking.
13. Take an architectural or art tour of a nearby city. Spend a few minutes researching the buildings, sculptures or murals online and then stake
'em out. You may have passed by cool sites you have never even noticed.
14. Make up short stories and remove random nouns, verbs, and adjectives. Ask your Little to fill in the blanks, then read the story aloud.
15. Hold a movie marathon. Show classic movies that the Big enjoyed when s/he was the Little’s current age.
16. Go rock climbing at SLO OP bouldering gym. (call the office for free passes)
17. Visit the Green Acres Lavender Farm in Atascadero.
18. Play your favorite sport with a twist (with your non-dominant hand, make up silly rules, hop on one foot.)
19. Go to Doc Bernsteins Ice Cream in Arroyo Grande on Tuesdays and check out the Reading Lab.
20. Learn to skate at a local skate park. Talk about why it's important to wear safety gear.
21. Take a trip to a discount clothing store. Design a new look for each other. (No purchases necessary.)
22. Get a free make up demonstration at Sephora in downtown SLO (Remember to get parent permission!)
23. Teach a dog a new trick. If you don’t have a dog, sign up to borrow one from the local shelter.
24. Write a letter to one of your favorite celebrities.
25. Shoot paintball guns at each other in Santa Maria. (call the SLO Bigs office for discount)
26. Take a tour of the Monarch Butterfly Grove in Pismo from November to February.
27. Visit Carrizo Plain National Monument, the nationally protected wilderness & ecotourism area in Paso Robles.
28. Play a board game. (SLO Bigs has some for loan if you don’t have any.)
29. Learn a magic trick.
30. Sketch or paint self-portraits. Then switch and do portraits of each other.
31. See the animals, stroll through the herb garden, and pick fresh produce at Jack Creek Farms in North County.
32. Visit the Dalidade Adobe in SLO and learn about local flora and history.
33. Check out the oldest residence in SLO County, the Dana Adobe in Nipomo
34. Go otter spotting near Morro Rock ( mornings are best).
35. Visit your local library, or a branch elsewhere in the county. Help your Little get a card of his/her own. Check out the on-going calendar of
special events.
36. Take a ride in a sail boat with the Morro Bay Yacht Club (call SLO Bigs office for details)
37. Bake and frost cut-out cookies.
38. Learn about plants and ecosystems of five Mediterranean climate zones, from California and Chile to Australia and South Africa at the SLO
Botanical Garden.
39. Write thank you cards or letters to loved ones who are far away.
40. Roll up and make paper balls. Hold an indoor snowball fight or shoot hoops into a waste paper basket.
41. Volunteer at the Cal Poly Organic farm or with SLO Glean.
42. Learn about local birds on a guided hike with the Morro Coast Audobon Society
43. Take a walk together or at a local beach and with a memento bag, collect interesting leaves, rocks, junk.
44. With your Little's birthday money, open a savings account for him/her at a local bank
45. Call your Match Support Specialist together and ask her for ideas.
46. Take your Little to visit the middle school or high school he/she will attend.
47. Skip rocks on the water at a local lake.
48. Take turns playing advice columnist and help seeker. Take turns to see who can come up with the worst problem and the best advice. Then
20
Big Training Manual
try coming up with some of society's most challenging problems, wit your ideas for real solutions.
49. Buy and decorate old t-shirts for each other. (Use old ones you own, or visit a thrift store.)
50. Make chalk art on the sidewalk.
51. Have a water balloon fight.
52. Learn to sing a song together from your favorite musical movie, rock-star or childhood memory.
53. Research famous individuals that have lived in SLO County. Find out which ones attended Cal Poly.
54. Pick up a free map of SLO open space and hiking trails at the Parks and Rec office downtown, then explore them!
55. Visit and tour Cuesta and Cal Poly. Explain the difference between a junior college and a university.
56. Go geo caching! Use a GPS watch or smart phone to find local treasures!
57. Cheer on your favorite racecar at the Santa Maria Speedway
58. Plan an outing around a book checked out from the library (i.e., astronomy, origami, French cooking, etc.)
59. Challenge each other to a contest. Anything works, and the sillier the better! Try sand castle building, hop scotch, name that tune, mar-
bles, or kite flying.
60. Hike the “9 sisters,” starting with Bishop's Peak.
61. Learn to Salsa dance with the Salsa Club at Cal Poly. (best for teens)
62. Visit the San Luis Art Center and the Historical Museum.
63. Fly a kite. (Make your own, borrow one from the SLO Bigs Office, or visit the Morro Bay Kite Festival in April)
64. Hike up the sand dunes in Los Osos or Oceano and then slide down!
65. Use a Frisbee to knock down 2 liter plastic soda bottles, set up like bowling pins. Score the game the same as bowling.
66. Try out a few fitness classes at the SLO YMCA or any local gym that offers a free trial membership. (best for teens)
67. Practice filling out applications for everything.
68. Take a health and safety class at the SLO Country Red Cross.
69. Visit a local coffee shop to sip hot chocolate or soda while playing chess, checkers, or backgammon.
70. Create a time capsule and bury it. Open the capsule on your next year matchiversary.
71. Take a tour of City Hall or attend a City Council meeting to find out how your local government works.
72. Visit the Sweet Springs Preserve, Elfin Forest, meditation maze or Audobon Overlook in Los Osos.
73. Make up a non-sense word and come up with a creative definition. Add the word on Wikipedia.
74. Read through the Guinness Book of World Records together. Look for a record you and your Little could potentially beat.
75. Get active with a local intramural sports team. (Meathead wrestling offers scholarships for Bigs and Littles.)
76. Visit the Children’s Museum in SLO or Paso. (contact office for free passes)
77. Cerate your own treasure hunt and use a camera to capture the goal items. Example- find one thing from each color of the rainbow, or,
spell a word with photos of things that look like letters of the alphabet. Make a photo collage with all the “treasures” you found.
78. Go out to breakfast before school. Many schools have “late start” Mondays.
79. Explore a specialty shop learn about the hobbies or careers of the people who shop there. Examples: boating, plumbing, knitting, photog-
raphy…
80. Write a letter to the editor about your relationship and what it has meant to you. (Copy SLO Bigs staff when you email it!)
81. Raise money for future outings by collecting recyclable bottles and cans, holding a lemonade or ice cream stand.
82. Practice one-on-one drills for any team sport you are interested in.
83. Give each other a pedicure or manicure, or give each other a new hair-style.
84. Buy a glow in the dark Frisbee and two glow sticks. Go to the beach at night and play a game of Frisbee. Each person wears a glow stick
so the other knows where to aim.
85. Have a sock war- five minutes and 20 pairs of socks.
86. Build a fire at Avila Beach.
Big Training Manual
21
87. Attend a local sporting event at the High School your Little attends (or will attend) or call the SLO Bigs office for tickets to local games.
88. Learn a new trick. It could be a day of learning card tricks, learning how to juggle or learning to make bird calls.
89. Take a tour of the Luffa Farm in Nipomo
90. Volunteer together at a local non-profit or charity during the holidays. (We especially recommend the Food Bank and Must! Charities.)
91. Go to the airport for lunch and watch planes take off and land.
92. Practice a map-reading or map-making skills. Take turns navigating on a walk or drive.
93. Rent a paddle boat at Lake Nacimiento.
94. Make a card, create a gift, or go shopping for a loved one’s upcoming birthday.
95. Go to the Avila Bay Natural History Museum.
96. Hold a thematic dinner for your friends or family (e.g. beach, 50's, jungle, superhero, etc.) Pick foods, decor, invitations that reflect the
theme, and ask everyone to dress up.
97. Learn how to play a musical instrument together. Form a band-choose a name for your band and make a music video.
98. Walk around a boat show, car show, or convention of some kind.
99. Swim at Sinsheimer pool or at the Avila Hot Springs
100. Get a book of animal's tracks and explore a pond or trail together to see what animals live in the area.
101. Bowl a strike at Paso Bowl, Mustang Lanes, or Pismo Bowl.
102. Pick berries, fruit or vegetables at a local farm.
103. Create a mini-golf course with plastic cups. Use real clubs and balls if you have them, or an orange and a stick if you don’t.
104. Volunteer to help preserve our local trails.
105. Use pre-made pizza dough or pie crust and make pretzels or cinnamon snacks.
106. Explore Poly or Stenner Canyon, Oso Flaco or the Salinas River bed.
107. Develop a list of 30 questions: odd and unusual facts you would like to know about each other. Fill them out and read them to each other.
108. Make a calendar of the major events of the upcoming year. Include family birthdays and plan to help each other make gifts or treats.
109. Enter a 5-K race together.
110. Collect leaves and safe plants on a hike. Make plant rubbings or press the leaves between wax paper and hang in your window.
111. Create an "International Night." Decorate the home with an international theme, dress up, prepare ethnic foods, listen to appropriate mu-
sic, and watch a foreign film on DVD.
112. Take bags and gloves to your favorite open space and pick up trash. Take before and after pictures.
113. Build a sand-structure. Use things you find in the surroundings to enhance your creation.
114. Open the hood of a car and learn about the different parts of an engine. Change the oil in your car. Or practice changing a tire.
115. Grow fruits and vegetables. Then eat them!
116. Become a local expert. Choose a SLO County place or event that you love and learn more about it. Give a tour or a speech each other.
117. Ride local transportation. Learn about the bus routes and trolleys in SLO County by trying them out.
118. Go tide-pooling at San Simeon, Montana de Oro and Shell Beach.
119. Sit on a bench and watch people. Play “Sherlock Holmes” by looking for clues and take turns guessing where you think people are going.
120. Look at the stars through telescopes and learn about the galaxy with the Central Coast Astronomical Society.
121. Visit a local mission.
122. Use the library or internet to research and conduct age-appropriate science projects.
123. Check out the listings in the local papers for activities in the area.
124. Listen to a poetry reading or slam poetry at a coffee shop.
125. Invent a new meal. Or check out cookbooks from the library and try a new recipe.
126. Set up a coffee date or on-site interview with someone who has a job in a field the Little finds interesting.
22
Big Training Manual
127. Go fishing off the pier in Pismo or by the lake.
128. Hold your own Olympic games. Create your own teams, flags, colors,
etc. Use sports you already love or invent new ones.
129. Check out the SLO Bigs Monthly Newsletter to learn about more
free and low cost activity ideas! (www.slobigs.org)
130. Test-drive a new car. Discuss safe driving practices.
131. Make a date to meet your Littles teacher afterschool. Let the Little
take you on a tour of the classroom and other areas. Encourage your
Little to “show off” the school work and other projects s/he has complet-
ed lately. Find out about upcoming field trips and consider volunteering
as a chaperone.
132. Make a themed picnic lunch.
133. Do chores together. Teach your Little to do laundry, use a dishwash-
er, make a bed, fold contour sheets, clean windows, vacuum, etc.
134. Attend a Central Coast Roller Derby bout in Paso Robles.
135. Build a blanket fort.
136. Make a cake together. Decorate it. Eat it!
137. Organize a tea party. Invite real friends or stuffed animals to attend.
138. Join the free project classes at Home Depot in SLO. All materials
are provided and all projects are kid-appropriate.
139. Do homework together or help with a school project. (This can be
an occasional or regular event.)
140. Learn about holidays that are celebrated in other cultures. Then,
invent your own and celebrate it together.
141. Contact SLO Rowing Club in Santa Margarita to tour the boat house
and get a chance to try sculling (sliding-seat rowing.) Or, attend one of
their regattas or open house events.
142. Visit the Coastal Discovery Center across the street from Hearst
Castle in San Simeon.
143. Visit Spooner’s Cove and the Spooner Ranch House History Muse-
um on Pecho Valley Road in Los Osos.
144. Bike, jog, walk or roller skate along the Bob Jones trail.
145. Climb the structures at the “architecture graveyard” behind the Cal
Poly Campus.
146. Hike to the Lighthouse at Port San Luis for a docent-led tour.
147. Watch the Elephant Seals at Piedras Blancas and learn about their
life-cycles from the docents and educational displays.
147. Add your own adventures! Then, call or email the Big Brothers Big
Sisters of San Luis Obispo office to share your ideas with other Bigs and
148. _________________________________________________________
149._________________________________________________________
150. ________________________________________________________
Set up specic mes for meeng with your
Lile Brother or Sister. Changes in scheduling
are disturbing to many children, so be as
consistent as possible. Do not break the
paern without rst explaining, so that the
child can ancipate the changes in roune
and be proud when they handle them.
Set clear and concise rules of behavior for all
involved. These rules should include: (1)
rules, (2) consequences for breaking rules,
and (3) rewards for following rules. They
should be wrien and posted in a prominent
place. Consistency is the key here if a rule is
broken, consequences should follow every
me, and if a rule is followed appropriately,
the child should be rewarded. Remember,
praise is a reward and a child cannot learn
how to take a compliment or give a compli-
ment unless there is a role-model to follow,
so be generous with appreciaon and be gra-
cious in receiving compliments back.
Ask the child to repeat the instrucons back
to you, then praise them when the response
is correct, be paent when it is not. Do not
give them more than one or two instrucons
at one me. If the task is dicult, break it
into smaller parts and teach each part sepa-
rately. Demonstrate what you want, if neces-
sary.
If calming down or focusing is a problem, try
to provide a quiet spot, free from distrac-
ons, for slower, more focused acvies to
be shared . For example choose a spot with a
desk toward a blank wall, minimize cluer,
avoid bright light, distracng colors or
paerns in décor. If the child easily gets out
of control:
Big Training Manual
23
(1) Limit exposure to/involvement of oth-
ers...especially other children, (2) focus on only
one acvity at a me, (3) Put unused toys,
games, tools, projects, puzzles etc. out of sight.
However, it is important to remember that
some children do much beer with
“background” noise and should be allowed to
leave radios on.
Allergies may somemes produce reacons
similar to hyperacvity and inability to focus, or
may cause crankiness and opposional behav-
iors. Some common food culprits are chocolate,
tomato products, wheat, sugar, milk products,
peanuts and/or aged food, such as sausage,
some cheeses, soy sauce and wine. Also note
any strong reacons (i.e. headaches) to per-
fumes, inks, detergents or cleaning products, or
other items with disncve smells.
.
Repeated messages, direcons, requests, etc.
are inecient disciplinary techniques that cre-
ate a variety of unpleasant behaviors in both
you and the child. Repeat yourself if, and only
if, requested to repeat. Otherwise, expect that
informaon has been heard or that requests
will be met. If informaon is not heard, respond
with a restructuring technique, such as pung
your hand on the child’s shoulder while deliver-
ing informaon or if requests are not met, fol-
low through with a logical consequence. ACT-
DON’T YAK!! Also remember to be rm when
seng limits, but express love and aecon
while doing so.
To help your Lile develop iniave and self-
control and give a sense of personal inuence,
it is important to present choices as early as
possible. The trick is to present limited choices
from your list of approved choices.
For instance, if the child wants to snack before
dinner, and you don’t object, you might oer
the following choices from those that you pre-
fer. “You may have a glass of water and two
cookies, or you can have a glass of juice and three
pretzels.” Not, “you can have something, just don’t
eat too much.”
Always take me to let the child know that bad
behavior does not mean that the person be-
hind the behavior is bad. For instance, “I love
you, but I don’t like it when you track mud
through the house because you forget to check
the booms of your shoes.” Remember, it is
important to be as specic as possible when
describing unlikable behavior.
.
Somemes, when you are just beginning to
work on problems with the child, there will be
very lile to compliment, so it becomes your
job as a mentor to search for the posives. For
instance, “I like the way that you got into the
car without stopping, thank you for helping us
to get home faster.” Or, “I am so pleased about
how you washed your hands the rst me I
asked, maybe you’ll beat me to the punch next
me and do it without my asking.” Remember
how it feels to have your good acons noced
and how easy it is to repeat the behavior? The
same is true for the child, ADD or not.
.
Oen in more than one area. These children
need compassionate understanding. The child
did not cause the condion and it is as fright-
ening to them as it is to you. Parents and
teachers do a disservice to a child if they pity,
tease, nag, overindulge, or misconstrue the
child in any way. What the child needs most is
informaon about what they may have to deal
with for the rest of their lives.
24
Big Training Manual
Child Safety - A Top Priority
-
We do this by providing:
Thorough professional screening.
Child Safety and child abuse prevenon educaon programs for volunteers, parents and children.
Guidelines that establish appropriate boundaries and respect a child’s right to feel safe.
Ongoing Match Support contact with each party in the match. This helps provide up-to-date informaon
about safety issues and early warnings of potenal problems throughout the match relaonship.
required,
As a Big you play a role in supporng the parent’s primary role of keeping their child safe. Bigs need to model
appropriate behavior as well as assume responsibility for their Lile’s safety during oungs.
Some safety issues include: Internet safety, bullying and violence prevenon, the Lile’s medical condion and
child abuse prevenon.
Our agency has expectaons and guidelines relang to Child Safety. We expect you to know and follow these
guidelines.
Support the Child’s Sense of Physical and Emotional Safety
Children have the right to feel safe at all times. Appropriate and positive interactions between Bigs and Lit-
tles are essential in supporting positive youth development and making youth feel valued. Conversely, inap-
propriate or harmful interactions can potentially injure a child physically and/or emotionally. Agency ground
rules and guidelines surrounding volunteer and child interactions are designed to support children in estab-
lishing a clear set of personal safety boundaries. This promotes skill-building that may prevent the child
from becoming the victim of violence and/or exploitation (such as bullying, child sexual abuse, internet ex-
ploitation, dating violence, etc.) and/or encourage a child to disclose abuse or victimization.
Be sensitive to whether a hug or other form of physical touch would be comfortable to a child or not. For ex-
ample, especially at the early stages of a match, a child can be asked if it’s okay to give him/her a hug. Cer-
tain types of physical contact, such as tickling, wrestling, pinching, backrubs or asking a child to sit on an
adult’s lap are more likely to violate a child’s personal boundaries and are discouraged in the Big/Little
match relationship.
Display or discussion of any material of a sexual nature are prohibited, including but not limited to viewing
pornography or sexually explicit or suggestive materials.
Bigs will always provide separate, private areas for a child to change clothes, bathe, shower and/or sleep.
Corporal punishment, verbally and/or emotionally abusive means of discipline by Bigs strictly prohibited
with enforcement measures clearly outlined in child abuse reporting and responses section
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(805) 781-KIDS
HOW TO RESPOND to Child Safety Concerns
If a child discloses abuse, a volunteer's immediate response may play a role in determining how well a child
heals from the associated trauma. Addionally, our response can impact law enforcement's ability to con-
duct a through invesgaon.
If you ever have a situaon where your Lile talks to you about any abuse, neglect or violence he/she is sub-
ject to, contact your Match Support Specialist immediately. Our response to the disclosure by a child can
prevent negave outcomes for the child and their family.
1. Listen to the child calmly. Be open and understanding. If you react strongly, the child may stop talking
because you’re noceably upset or they may feel worse because they’ve upset you.
2. Reassure the child that you are glad that they told you what happened, and that it was not their fault.
3. Let the child know that you are going to help them, and that you’ll need to share what they told you with a
Big Brothers Big Sisters sta person (and/or parent/law enforcement, if appropriate) so that the abuse can
be stopped and they can receive support to help them heal.
4. Do not aempt to queson the child further or you may interfere with the formal invesgaon process.
Get in touch with agency sta immediately to allow a trained professional to conduct an interview with
the child (generally a child protecve services social worker, law enforcement ocer, or Child Advocacy
Center professional).
5. If you ever feel that a child is in imminent danger, don’t hesitate to call 911 or local law enforcement.
Stop Bullying
When adults respond quickly and consist-
ently to bullying behavior they send the
message that it is not acceptable.
Research shows this can stop bullying be-
havior over time. There are simple steps
adults can take to stop bullying on the spot
and keep kids safe.
Learn more about bullying on pages 26-
33.
Get police help or medical attention immediately if:
A weapon is involved.
There are threats of serious physical injury.
There are threats of hate-motivated violence, such as rac-
ism or homophobia.
There is serious bodily harm.
There is sexual abuse.
Anyone is accused of an illegal act, such as robbery or
extortion—using force to get money, property, or services.
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Bullying
Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or
perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated,
over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting prob-
lems.
In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:
An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, ac-
cess to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in differ-
ent situations, even if they involve the same people.
Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.
Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding some-
one from a group on purpose.
The Roles Kids Play
There are many roles that kids can play. Kids can bully others, they
can be bullied, or they may witness bullying. When kids are involved
in bullying, they often play more than one role. Sometimes kids may
both be bullied and bully others or they may witness other kids being
bullied. It is important to understand the multiple roles kids play in
order to effectively prevent and respond to bullying.
Importance of Not Labeling Kids
When referring to a bullying situation, it is easy to call the kids who
bully others "bullies" and those who are targeted "victims," but this
may have unintended consequences. When children are labeled as
"bullies" or "victims" it may:
Send the message that the child's behavior cannot change
Fail to recognize the multiple roles children might play in differ-
ent bullying situations
Disregard other factors contributing to the behavior such as
peer influence or school climate
Instead of labeling the children involved, focus on the behavior. For
instance:
Instead of calling a child a "bully," refer to them as "the child
who bullied"
Instead of calling a child a "victim," refer to them as "the child
who was bullied"
Types of Bullying
There are three types of bullying:
Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal
bullying includes:
Teasing
Name-calling
Inappropriate sexual comments
Taunting
Threatening to cause harm
Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bully-
ing, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relation-
ships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public
Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or pos-
sessions. Physical bullying includes:
Hitting/kicking/pinching
Spitting
Tripping/pushing
Taking or breaking someone’s things
Making mean or rude hand gestures
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Kids Involved in Bullying
The roles kids play in bullying are not limited to those who bully others and those who are bullied. Some researchers talk about the
"circle of bullying" to define both those directly involved in bullying and those who actively or passively assist the behavior or defend
against it. Direct roles include:
Kids who Bully: These children engage in bullying behavior towards their peers. There are many risk factors that may contribute to the
child's involvement in the behavior. Often, these students require support to change their behavior and address any other challenges
that may be influencing their behavior.
Kids who are Bullied: These children are the targets of bullying behavior. Some factors put children at more risk of being bullied, but
not all children with these characteristics will be bullied. Sometimes, these children may need help learning how to respond to bullying
Even if a child is not directly involved in bullying, they may be contributing to the behavior. Witnessing the behavior may also affect the
child, so it is important for them to learn what they should do when they see bullying happen. Roles kids play when they witness bully-
ing include:
Kids who Assist: These children may not start the bullying or lead in the bullying behavior, but serve as an "assistant" to children
who are bullying. These children may encourage the bullying behavior and occasionally join in.
Kids who Reinforce: These children are not directly involved in the bullying behavior but they give the bullying an audience. They
will often laugh or provide support for the children who are engaging in bullying. This may encourage the bullying to continue.
Outsiders: These children remain separate from the bullying situation. They neither reinforce the bullying behavior nor defend the
child being bullied. Some may watch what is going on but do not provide feedback about the situation to show they are on anyone’s
side. Even so, providing an audience may encourage the bullying behavior.
These kids often want to help, but don’t know how. Learn how to be "more than a bystander."
Kids who Defend: These children actively comfort the child being bullied and may come to the child's defense when bullying oc-
curs.
Most kids play more than one role in bullying over time. In some cases, they may be directly involved in bullying as the one bullying
others or being bullied and in others they may witness bullying and play an assisting or defending role. Every situation is different.
Some kids are both bullied and bully others. It is important to note the multiple roles kids play, because:
Those who are both bullied and bully others may be at more risk for negative outcomes, such as depression or suicidal ideation.
How to Talk About Bullying
Parents, school staff, and other caring adults have a role to play in preventing bullying. They can:
Help kids understand bullying. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand
up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how
to get help.
Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with kids often. Listen to
them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their con-
cerns.
Encourage kids to do what they love. Special activities, interests, and hob-
bies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from
bullying behavior.
Visit for more info
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Help Kids Understand Bullying
Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know
ways to safely stand up to bullying and how to get help.
Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. The adult can give comfort, support, and
advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor and saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about what
to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away
Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or
getting help.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Research tells us that children really do look to parents and caregivers for advice and help on tough decisions. Sometimes spending
15 minutes a day talking can reassure kids that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Start conversations about daily
life and feelings with questions like these:
What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?
Talking about bullying directly is an important step in understanding how the issue might be affecting kids. There are no right or
wrong answers to these questions, but it is important to encourage kids to answer them honestly. Assure kids that they are not alone
in addressing any problems that arise. Start conversations about bullying with questions like these:
What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?
There are simple ways that parents and caregivers can keep up-to-date with kids’ lives.
Read class newsletters and school flyers. Talk about them at home.
Check the school website
Go to school events
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Encourage Kids to Do What They Love
Help kids take part in activities, interests, and hobbies they like. Kids can volunteer, play sports, sing in a chorus, or join a youth group
or school club. These activities give kids a chance to have fun and meet others with the same interests. They can build confidence and
friendships that help protect kids from bullying.
Model How to Treat Others with Kindness and Respect
Kids learn from adults’ actions. By treating others with kindness and respect, adults show the kids in their lives that there is no place
for bullying. Even if it seems like they are not paying attention, kids are watching how adults manage stress and conflict, as well as how
they treat their friends, colleagues, and families.
Support ALL the Kids Involved
All kids involved in bullying—whether they are bullied, bully others, or see bullying—can be affected. It is important to support all kids
involved to make sure the bullying doesn’t continue and effects can be minimized.
- Support Kids Who are Bullied
Listen and focus on the child. Learn what’s been going on and show you want to help.
Assure the child that bullying is not their fault.
Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with talking about it. Talk to your Match Support Specialist for help connecting them with a
school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health service.
Give advice about what to do. This may involve role-playing and thinking through how the child might react if the bullying occurs again.
Work together to resolve the situation and protect the bullied child. The child, parents, and mentor are a team in supporting the child
and keeping him/her safe.
Ask the child being bullied what can be done to make him or her feel safe. Remember that changes to routine should be mini-
mized. He or she is not at fault and should not be singled out. For example, consider rearranging classroom or bus seating plans for
everyone. If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to
change.
Develop a game plan. Maintain open communication between schools, organizations, and parents. Discuss the steps that are taken
and the limitations around what can be done based on policies and laws. Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to
discuss discipline, consequences, or services given to other children.
Be persistent. Bullying may not end overnight. Commit to making it stop and consistently support the bullied child.
Avoid these mistakes:
Never tell the child to ignore the bullying.
Do not blame the child for being bullied. Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied.
Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying. It could get the child hurt, suspended, or expelled.
Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved. It may make matters worse. School or other officials can act
as mediators between parents.
Follow-up. Show a commitment to making bullying stop. Because bullying is behavior that repeats or has the potential to be repeated, it
takes consistent effort to ensure that it stops.
- Support Bystanders Who Witness Bullying
Even if kids are not bullied or bullying others they can be affected by bullying. Many times, when they see bullying, they may not know
what to do to stop it. They may not feel safe stepping in in the moment, but there are many other steps they can take. See “What Kids
Can Do” on page 31.
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- How to Address Bullying Behavior
Parents, school staff, and mentors all have a role to play.
Make sure the child knows what the problem behavior is. Young people who bully must learn their behavior is wrong and harms oth-
ers.
Show kids that bullying is taken seriously. Calmly tell the child that bullying will not be tolerated. Model respectful behavior when ad-
dressing the problem.
Work with the child to understand some of the reasons he or she bullied. For example:
Sometimes children bully to fit in. These kids can benefit from participating in positive activities. Involvement in sports and clubs
can enable them to take leadership roles and make friends without feeling the need to bully.
Other times kids act out because something else—issues at home, abuse, stress—is going on in their lives. They also may have
been bullied. These kids may be in need of additional support, such as mental health services.
Use shared activities to teach. Activities that involve learning or building empathy can help prevent future bullying. For example, a
mentor can help the child who bullied to:
Lead a class discussion about how to be a good friend.
Write a story about the effects of bullying or benefits of teamwork.
Role-play a scenario or make a presentation about the importance of respecting others, the negative effects of gossip, or how to
cooperate.
Do a project about civil rights and bullying.
Read a book about bullying.
Make posters for the school about cyberbullying and being smart online.
Involve the kid who bullied in making amends or repairing the situation. The goal is to help them see how their actions affect others.
For example, the mentor can help the child:
Write a letter apologizing to the student who was bullied.
Do a good deed for the person who was bullied or for others in your community.
Clean up, repair, or raise/earn money to pay for any property they damaged.
Some strategies that don’t work or have negative consequences:
Zero tolerance or “three strikes, you’re out” strategies don’t work. Suspending or expelling students who bully does not reduce
bullying behavior. Students and teachers may be less likely to report and address bullying if suspension or expulsion is the conse-
quence.
Conflict resolution and peer mediation don’t work for bullying. Bullying is not a conflict between people of equal power who share
equal blame. Facing those who have bullied may further upset kids who have been bullied.
Group treatment for students who bully doesn’t work. Group members tend to reinforce bullying behavior in each other.
Follow-up. After the bullying issue is resolved, continue finding ways to help the child who bullied to understand how what they do af-
fects other people. For example, praise acts of kindness or talk about what it means to be a good friend.
Visit for more info
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What Kids Can Do
The Questions and Advice Below Can Be Helpful to Any Child Dealing With
Bullying, Whether as a Victim, Perpetrator, Supporter or Witness.
***************************************************************************************************************************** ********************
Are you being bullied? Do you see bullying at your school?
There are things you can do to keep yourself and the kids you know safe from bullying.
Treat Everyone with Respect
Nobody should be mean to others.
Stop and think before you say or do something that could hurt someone.
If you feel like being mean to someone, find something else to do. Play a game, watch TV, or talk to a friend.
Talk to an adult you trust. They can help you find ways to be nicer to others.
Keep in mind that everyone is different. Not better or worse. Just different.
If you think you have bullied someone in the past, apologize. Everyone feels better.
What to Do If You’re Bullied
There are things you can do if you are being bullied:
Look at the kid bullying you and tell him or her to stop in a calm, clear voice. You can also try to laugh it off. This works best if
joking is easy for you. It could catch the kid bullying you off guard.
If speaking up seems too hard or not safe, walk away and stay away. Don’t fight back. Find an adult to stop the bullying on the
spot.
There are things you can do to stay safe in the future, too.
Talk to an adult you trust. Don’t keep your feelings inside. Telling someone can help you feel less alone. They can help you
make a plan to stop the bullying.
Stay away from places where bullying happens.
Stay near adults and other kids. Most bullying happens when adults aren’t around.
Stand Up for Others
When you see bullying, there are safe things you can do to make it stop.
Talk to a parent, teacher, or another adult you trust. Adults need to know when bad things happen so they can help.
Be kind to the kid being bullied. Show them that you care by trying to include them. Sit with them at lunch or on the bus, talk to
them at school, or invite them to do something. Just hanging out with them will help them know they aren’t alone.
Not saying anything could make it worse for everyone. The kid who is bullying will think it is ok to keep treating others that way.
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What is Cyberbullying?
Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Electronic technology includes devices and equipment such as
cell phones, computers, and tablets as well as communication tools including social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites.
Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and
embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.
Why Cyberbullying is Different
Kids who are being cyberbullied are often bullied in person as well. Additionally, kids who are
cyberbullied have a harder time getting away from the behavior.
Cyberbullying can happen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and reach a kid even when he or
she is alone. It can happen any time of the day or night.
Cyberbullying messages and images can be posted anonymously and distributed quickly to
a very wide audience. It can be difficult and sometimes impossible to trace the source.
Deleting unwanted messages, texts, and pictures is extremely
difficult after they have been posted or sent.
Effects of Cyberbullying
Cell phones and computers themselves are not to blame for cyberbullying. Social media sites can be used for positive activities, like
connecting kids with friends and family, helping students with school, and for entertainment. But these tools can also be used to hurt
other people. Whether done in person or through technology, the effects of bullying are similar.
Kids who are cyberbullied are more likely to:
Use alcohol and drugs
Skip school
Experience in-person bullying
Be unwilling to attend school
Receive poor grades
Have lower self-esteem
Have more health problems
Prevent Cyberbullying
Bigs and Littles can prevent cyberbullying. Together, they can explore safe ways to use technology.
Help your Little be smart about what they post or say. Tell them not to share anything that could hurt or embarrass themselves or
others. Once something is posted, it is out of their control whether someone else will forward it.
Encourage your Little to think about who they want to see the information and pictures they post online. Should complete strangers
see it? Real friends only? Friends of friends? Think about how people who aren’t friends could use it.
Tell your Little to keep his/her passwords safe and not share them with friends. Sharing passwords can compromise control over
online identities and activities.
Encourage your Little to tell you, a parent, or SLO Bigs staff immediately if they, or someone they know, is being cyberbullied.
Ask what kind of guidelines, rules, access and supervision the child has regarding on-line activities, social media and communication
technology. If the Little does not seem to have firm boundaries or sufficient parental supervision, speak to your Match Support Spe-
cialist about how you and/or the agency can support the parent and/or the school to better protect the child from cyberbullying and/
or other safety concerns.
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Considerations for
Specific Groups
Schools and communities that respect diversity can help
protect children against bullying behavior. However,
when children perceived as different are not in support-
ive environments, they may be at a higher risk of being
bullied. When working with kids from different groups—
including lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT)
youth and youth with disabilities or special health care
needs—there are specific things you can do to prevent
and address bullying.
LGBT Youth
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT) youth and those perceived as LGBT are at an increased risk of being bullied. Families of
and people who work with LGBT youth have important and unique considerations for strategies to prevent and intervene in bullying.
Youth with Disabilities or Other Special Health Needs
Children with disabilities or other special health needs may be at higher risk of being bullied. There are specific ways you can support
these groups listed on pages 22 — 23.
Race, Ethnicity, and National Origin
It is not clear how often kids get bullied because of their race, ethnicity, or national origin. It is also unclear how often kids of the
same group bully each other. Research is still growing. We do know, however, that Black and Hispanic youth who are bullied are more
likely to suffer academically than their white peers.
Although no specialized interventions have yet been developed or identified, some federal partners have developed campaign materi-
als for specific racial and ethnic minority groups. For example, the Indian Health Service within the Department of Health and Human
Services has developed a series of materials for American Indian and Alaskan Native youth called “Stand Up, Stand Strong.”
When bullying based on race or ethnicity is severe, pervasive, or persistent it may be considered harassment, which is covered under
federal civil rights laws.
Religion and Faith
Very little research has explored bullying based on religious differences. Bullying in these situations may have less to do with a per-
son’s beliefs and more to do with misinformation or negative perceptions about how someone expresses that belief.
For example, Muslim girls who wear hijabs (head scarves), Sikh boys who wear patka or dastaar (turbans), and Jewish boys who wear
yarmulkes report being targeted because of these visible symbols of their religions. These items are sometimes used as tools to bully
Muslim, Sikh, and Jewish youth when they are forcefully removed by others. Several reports also indicate a rise in anti-Muslim and
anti-Sikh bullying over the past decade that may have roots in a perceived association of their religious heritage and terrorism.
When bullying based on religion is severe, pervasive, or persistent, the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division may be able to
intervene under Title IV of the Civil Rights Act.
Often religious harassment is not based on the religion itself but on shared ethnic characteristics. When harassment is based on
shared ethnic characteristics, the Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights may be able to intervene under Title VI of the Civil
Rights Act.
Visit for more info.
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The following information is helpful for understanding and supporting
ALL individuals, especially those who care about or who may themselves be
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and/or Questioning their sexuality (LGBTQ) .
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Many of the youth enrolled with SLO Bigs are part of our local Hispanic Immigrant Culture.
While these generalizations may not apply in every case, Bigs from different cultural back-
grounds may find them useful:
Family Focus:
Language:
Religion:
Family Roles:
Communication:
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HISPANIC YOUTH
Life Priorities and Satisfaction
Like most youths, young Latinos express high levels of satisfaction with their lives, with half saying they are “very” satisfied and 45% saying they
are “mostly” satisfied. They are also optimistic about their futures. More than seven-in-ten (72%) expect to be better off financially than their par-
ents, while just 4% expect to be worse off. Optimism on this question runs a bit higher among native-born Latinos (75%) than among the foreign
born (66%).
Even more so than other youths, young Latinos have high aspirations for career success. Some 89% say it is very important in their lives, compared
with 80% of the full population of 18- to 25-year-olds who say the same.
Other life priorities rank a bit lower among Latino youths. About half say that having children (55%), living a religious life (51%) and being married
(48%) are very important to their lives; about a quarter (24%) say the same about being wealthy. All of these ratings are very similar to those made
by non-Latino youths.
Latinos believe in the rewards of hard work. More than eight-in-ten—including 80% of Latino youths and 86% of Latinos ages 26 and older—say
that most people can get ahead in life if they work hard.
Nearly four-in-ten (38%) young Latinos say they, a relative or close friend has been the target of ethnic or racial discrimination. This is higher than
the share of older Latinos who say the same (31%). Also, perceptions of discrimination are more widespread among native-born (41%) than foreign
-born (32%) young Latinos.
Educational Expectations and Attainment
The high school dropout rate among Latino youths (17%) is nearly three times as high as it is among white youths (6%) and nearly double the rate
among blacks (9%). Rates for all groups have been declining for decades.
The high school dropout rate for the second generation of Latino youth (9%) is higher than the rate for whites (6%) and Asians (4%) but compara-
ble to the rate for blacks (9%).
Nearly all Latino youths (89%) and older adults (88%) agree with the statement that a college degree is important for getting ahead in life. Howev-
er, just under half of Latinos ages 18 to 25 say they plan to get a college degree.
The reason most often given by Latino youths who cut off their education before college is financial pressure to support a family. Nearly three-
quarters of this group say this is a big reason for not continuing in school. About half cite poor English skills; about four-in-ten cite a dislike of
school or a belief that they do not need more education for the careers they plan to pursue.
Native-born Latino youths go much farther in school than do their foreign-born counterparts. Among 16- to 24-year-olds who were born abroad,
just 21% are enrolled in high school. Among their native-born counterparts, 38% of second-generation and 32% of third-generation young Latinos
are enrolled in high school.
The high school completion rate (89%) and the college enrollment rate (46%) for second generation Latino youths are similar to those of whites in
this cohort, 94% of whom have completed high school and 46% of whom are enrolled in college. However, second generation Latinos who attend
college are only about half as likely as white college students to complete a bachelor’s degree.
From the 2009 National Survey of Latinos conducted for the Pew Hispanic Center by Social Science Research Solutions (SSRS).
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What is normal for YOUR culture?
Recognizing your own cultural qualities and biases is the first step
to understanding and embracing differences in others.
1. My calendar or schedule planner is…
A. Booked solid weeks in advance.
B. Busy, but flexible if I have a few days
notice.
C. Blocked out with just a few important
events. Otherwise, I like to be spon-
taneous.
D. Schedule? Calendar? Huh?
2. I think children should …
A. Always be given the freedom to play
and explore at their own pace, while
developing their own preferences and
personalities.
B. Have a good balance between play
time and school work.
C. Be occasionally indulged in their
wishes but more often given clear
boundaries and expectations from
adults. Allowances should be earned
by doing chores.
D. Expected to pull their weight and
work as part of the family. In addition
to school, they should help with
house cleaning, care of younger chil-
dren, yard work, etc.
3. When I want to make a good impres-
sion with a new person, I...
A. Make a lot of eye contact, make
jokes and offer to shake hands, so s/
he will be put at ease by my friendly
manner.
B. Smile kindly and lean forward quietly
to show that I am listening. I avoid
direct eye contact so I won’t seem
rude or too forward.
C. Maintain a respectful distance, keep
my face calm and avoid any extrava-
gant body language that could intimi-
date or offend the other person.
D. I don’t have a lot of experience meet-
ing new people.
4. In my family, education is important
because…
A. Whether or not you end up working in
the exact field you studied to get your
degree, college is mind-expanding
and helps you lead a richer, fuller life.
B. Even though many people are suc-
cessful in life without a college de-
gree, having one increases your
chances of being paid well.
C. The older generation sacrificed so the
younger ones can have a chance to
finish High School and maybe even
go to college. It is their responsibility
to make the most of this opportunity.
D. It’s the only way to break away from
our history of poverty and have a
chance at a better life.
5. I think money should be …
A. Invested as much as possible for the
future and otherwise spent carefully
on high quality purchases that will
last a long time.
B. Spent according to a budget so that
basic needs are met, a few splurges
are possible, and10% is saved in the
bank for emergencies.
C. Used to enrich the experiences and
memories we share as a family. In
the future, we will always get by if we
pull together. In the meantime, par-
ties and celebrations make life worth
living.
D. I’ll let you know when I get some!
6. If I want to see someone I...
A. Send an email with possible times
and dates listed.
B. Call at a time I think s/he will be free
answer, look at the calendar and plan
a date.
C. Text something like, “I miss you! Let’s
get together soon.”
D. Stop by his/her house unannounced
next time I’m in the area.
7. When I want to go to a movie…
A. I don’t care that much who I end up
seeing it with, or if I have to go alone.
The important thing is going to a mov-
ie I want to see and will enjoy.
B. I try to talk my friends into seeing the
movies I want to see. If I can’t find
anyone to go to the theatre with me,
I’ll just wait until it is available on-line.
C. I will go to whichever movie most of
my friends/family want to see...the
fun part is that we are all going to-
gether.
D. Why go to the theater when we can
all watch a movie together at home?
8. My personal experience with non-
profits, charities and volunteer organiza-
tions is…
A. I started volunteering and raising
money for worthy causes when I was
a kid. It’s always seemed important
to me.
B. I remember my parents signing up for
stuff, but I never thought about get-
ting involved until I grew up.
C. I think it’s great that other people are
so generous with their time, energy
and money. I don’t know how they do
it.
D. I am really appreciative of the organi-
zations that have supported my fami-
ly.
9. My idea of a low-cost activity is…
A. Going to a movie with a friend. I usu-
ally get a soda and popcorn.
B. Anything under $8 a person is a low-
cost activity to me.
C. A walk on the beach or a hike on a
local trail, and maybe get a snack or
a treat on the way home.
D. The only really low-cost activity is
staying home or going somewhere I
can walk or bike too. Gas is expen-
sive and if you go far from home you
always end up buying a snack or a
meal somewhere and it all adds up.
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43
8 General Strategies for Overcoming Language Barriers
by Kate Berardo at http://www.culturosity.com/
Language barriers are a common challenge — and a two-way process. What native speakers often
don't realize is that frequently it is not the other person's accent but their own way of speaking that
creates the greatest barriers to effective communication. Use the strategies below to ensure you're
not putting up your own roadblocks to effective communication.
1. Speak slowly and clearly.
Focus on clearly enunciating and slowing down your speech. Even if you’re pressured for time, don’t rush through
your communication. Doing so often takes more time, as miscommunication and misunderstanding can result and
you’ll ultimately have to invest additional time in clearing up the confusion.
2. Ask for clarification.
If you are not 100% sure you’ve understood what others say, politely ask for clarification. Avoid assuming you’ve un-
derstood what’s been said.
3. Frequently check for understanding.
Check both that you’ve understood what’s been said and that others have fully understood you. Practice reflective
listening to check your own understanding (e.g. 'So what I hear you saying is…') and use open-ended questions to
check other people’s understanding.
4. Avoid idioms.
Language is often contextual, and therefore culture specific. For example, in US business, baseball terms are used
extensively: ‘Straight off the Bat,’ ‘Ballpark figures,’ ‘Out in left field,’ ‘Touch base,’ ‘Strike a deal’. As a good general
rule, if the phrase requires knowledge of other information—be it a game or metaphor—recognize that this may make
your communication more difficult to be understood.
5. Be careful of jargon.
Watch the use of TLAs (Three Letter Abbreviations) and other terms that may not be understood by others. If you use
them, provide a description of what these are so others can learn to use the same language you do.
6. Choose your medium of communication effectively.
Carefully choose your form of communication (in-person, phone, email, instant message, etc.). Be mindful not to
‘overuse’ email or text. While useful, there are times when these mediums are likely to be ineffective. When a mes-
sage is complex and complicated or there is tension or conflict that needs to be resolved, switch to another medium.
7. Provide information via multiple channels.
Follow phone calls with emails that summarize what’s been said.
8. Be patient.
Cross-cultural communication takes more time. If not at all times, certainly initially you cannot expect your communi-
cation to occur with the same speed and ease as when you are communicating with someone from your own culture.
3 Specific Strategies for Bigs and Parents
1. Using a translator in the home.
Often, another family member in the home is bilingual. Sometimes it is a child...maybe your own Little. Remember to speak
and listen directly to the parent, and then ask the translator to explain. It’s fine to discuss activities and plans with the Little
present, but if more detailed discussions are needed, use an adult translator.
2. Using SLO Bigs staff for translation.
Our agency can usually provide Spanish/English translation by phone anytime our office is open. If in-person translation is
needed, or if another language is required, call to schedule help a few days ahead of any expected conversation.
3. Learn simple words and phrases that will be used frequently.
Times of day, names of the month, days of the week, local places and activity descriptions are the most common topics of
conversation between parents and Bigs.
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Big Training Manual
O
ver the years we have seen some common problems that can occur in any match. These are called
common because they are, well…common. It’s normal for Lile/Big relaonships to experience some
of these situaons.
We’ve collected some examples of these common problems and included them for you in the next few pages,
including some ps on how to handle them. Aer your match gets going, if you are experiencing one of these
challenges, you can bring the issue up with your Match Support sta and discuss in more detail how to pro-
ceed in a successful way.
“My Lile doesn’t show appreciaon.”
Coming into the match with a preconceived noon of how your Lile should show appreciaon will set
you up for a letdown. Your Lile may not say “please” and “thank you” when you rst start meeng, and
even aer many mes together he/she may sll not respond in a way that you deem appropriate.
“I had a good me” may eventually be a response, but may be a long me in coming. Somemes he/she
might only say, “It was o.k.” Be sure you model the behavior you would like your Lile to demonstrate,
and be consistent.
“My Lile doesn’t share feelings and/or iniate conversaon.”
You may feel that your Lile is not pung as much into the relaonship as you would like. The relaon-
ship may seem one-sided for a long me with you doing the talking, but your Lile not saying much.
Eventually your Lile may respond in a more open and honest way, trusng you and conding in you as an
adult who will not disappoint or walk out on him/her. Conversaon between you will grow and your Lile
may share more feelings with you. If this happens, rejoice in it, but remember that no relaonship is per-
fect and all relaonships are dened in a variety of ways.
“My Lile never calls me.”
Liles love to receive phone calls, but seldom feel comfortable iniang them. Asking your Lile to share
with you the good feeling that comes from geng a phone call may help him/her to understand that
adults also like to receive calls from people they like. Giving your Lile denite mes to call may help, as
can enlisng the parent’s help in encouraging your Lile to call. It is important not to stop calling with
hopes that they will start calling you.
It is important to be paent, and be sure to reinforce the behavior with posive remarks when they do
call.
Remember that this is not a relaonship with a peer, and the responsibilies of keeping in touch, planning
acvies, scheduling in advance, expressing appreciaon and iniang communicaon will NOT be shared
equally. For most of the relaonship, and especially at rst, Bigs may feel that they are doing all the work
in this area. Parents may help, or may be overwhelmed and/or unable to devote much energy to sup-
porng the relaonship. Liles are emoonally immature in this way, but are watching and learning from
how YOU handle these challenges.
“My Lile doesn’t act the right way.”
Your Lile may come from a family with a very dierent value
system than yours. It is not your responsibility or role to try to
change the values of your Lile. Your match is a learning experi-
ence for both of you. If your Lile has never been to a play, they
may not know what behavior is expected of them. Try to be con-
tent with the understanding that, through your example, your
Lile may come to respect values that are more posive. But this
may be a long process.
Big Training Manual
45
“My Lile doesn’t seem to need me.”
Most youth in our program have only one parent, a lack of posive role mod-
els, a history of challenges to overcome, siblings with special needs, incarcer-
ated family members, a foster home or other factors that clearly place them
at-risk for facing addional challenges as they grow up. Our program is proven
to help these kids succeed as youth and later in life. If you’re not sure why
your Lile was idened as in need of a mentor and placed in this program,
speak frankly with your Match Support Specialist, who can share details about
the original assessment and on-going observaons.
“I’m not sure I’m having any inuence or making an impact.”
Very oen it is not unl adulthood when we understand the impact our men-
tors make in out lives as shown here in this DEAR ABBY leer from June 2010.
DEAR ABBY:
I am wring to thank the schoolteachers, librarians, [mentors] and counselors who were kind to me
when I was an at-risk child. My mother was mentally ill, my father was absent, and the school was my haven. I
oen wish I could tell some of those adults who helped me along the way that I did make it, that I turned out
OK, and that I'm so grateful for the lile and big ways they intervened in my life. To all who serve children:
Please know that even very small kindnesses give hope and strength to the child who doesn't receive them
elsewhere.
-- TURNED OUT OK THANKS TO YOU
DEAR TURNED OUT OK:
You have wrien a beauful leer, one that could have been wrien by many students to the educators
and other adults who, by their acts of kindness, made a posive dierence in their lives. If we think back, I sus-
pect that most of us have had at least one. I know I have, and I, too, am grateful to them.
My Lile doesn’t make me for me.”
Most families struggle to nd me for everything. This can be espe-
cially true for families with few resources. If the child or family is
having trouble priorizing me with you, speak openly to the par-
ent about it or call your Match Support Specialist.
Remember how important you are! Although other acvies are
valuable, your Lile is beneng from the interest and involvement
of a caring adult friend. You are the person spending one-on-one
me with your Lile; listening; sharing, and showing your desire to
be together on a regular basis.
No group acvity, school event or family commitment can take the
place of your special relaonship with your Lile. If you recognize
the importance of what you are doing chances are that your Lile
and his/her family will recognize this too.
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Big Training Manual
“My Lile doesn’t seem interested.”
Keep in mind that we all demonstrate inter-
est in dierent ways, and your Lile may
not know how to communicate that he/she
is interested. Be sure you do not make as-
sumpons based on your Lile’s behavior,
and talk to your Match Support Specialist if
you have quesons.
“My Lile doesn’t want to improve.”
Your Lile may have many adults eager to
tell what she/he is doing wrong.
What your Lile will respond to is someone
who will point out and praise strengths.
These strengths (assets) can range from the
values that the child holds to things he/she is good at doing. If your Lile knows that you are going to be
posive, give encouragement and compliments, and appreciate the unique person that he/she is,
change will happen in very posive ways, and your Lile will grow in condence, competence and caring.
The most important thing to remember is that you will need to be and throughout your relaon-
ship! Your relaonship may take me to develop, but if you are able to manage your expectaons, be open to sur-
prises, and accepng of your Lile as an individual, you are in for a fantasc ride! Your Match Support Specialist is
available to help you through any of the above situaons. Remember to seek help as necessary.
Do you have specic quesons about possible challenges or scenarios we didn’t cover in this booklet?
That’s great! It means you are planning ahead and taking the relaonship seriously...both signs of a good
role-model. We encourage you to menon your concern at the Big Training Session or contact a SLO Bigs
Sta member.
Keep in mind, if you are not yet matched I may be dicult for us
to give you a detailed answer at this me, because every child,
family and volunteer is unique. Your Enrollment Specialist will
discuss specic strategies for likely issues when you are choosing
your Lile.
Aer the match begins, any me you feel unsure or uncertain
about your role or your relaonship, simply reach out to your
Match Support Specialist. We are available by phone, email, text,
facebook or even an in-person visit. The oce is open well into
the evening, most days during the week.
The Program Director makes her cell phone number available to
you in case you need immediate help on a weekend. You will
never need to gure things out on your own. We’re here to sup-
port you for the life of the match.
Big Training Manual
47
It is important that your match be based on friendship,
not money or material possessions. Set nancial bounda-
ries and sck to them. There is nothing wrong with the
occasional treat or gi on a special occasion, but buying
things for your Lile should not be a regular pracce. In
this scenario, you may want to help your Lile think of
ways to earn what he wants rather than relying on you to
buy it for him.
-
While there is no policy against taking your Lile to an R-
rated movie, it is important to remember that the adult
content of R-rated movies is inappropriate for most of
the children in our program. In this scenario, rst consid-
er if you are comfortable going to this movie. If not, say
so. If you wouldn’t mind seeing the movie, consider if
you know enough about the content, if it is appropriate
for the age and maturity level of your Lile, and if it real-
ly is OK with the Lile’s parent before buying the movie
ckets.
A Big Brother or Big Sister cannot promise to keep all se-
crets. Some secrets may be harmless, such as infor-
maon about a gi or a surprise for someone. However,
if your Lile tells you that he is being harmed in some
way, or someone he knows is being harmed, you will
have to tell the Lile’s parent and/or Match Support Spe-
cialist. In this scenario, it is best to tell your Lile that he
can tell you anything, but some things are serious
enough that you may need to ask for help on how to han-
dle it, so you cannot always promise that you won’t tell
anyone else.
It can be frustrang when your Lile doesn’t thank you,
but there are many factors to consider. Has this been
role modeled for your Lile? Is your Lile too embar-
rassed to thank you? Is your Lile shy and un-
comfortable verbalizing her feelings? It is ne
to remind your Lile when to say “thank you”,
but try to not to take it personally if it takes
some me for your Lile to make it a habit. If
you watch closely, chances are that your Lile
is showing appreciaon through behavior more
than through words.
This is an example of how a friendship with a
child can be dierent from a friendship with an
adult. With your adult friends, it is likely that
you take turns suggesng acvies to do when
you are together. That is not always the case
with a child and there can be several reasons.
Perhaps your Lile doesn’t know what his op-
ons are, maybe he hasn’t been exposed to
enough dierent things to know everything he
likes or doesn’t like, or maybe he isn’t sure if
you are really interested in the things he wants
to do. A good strategy is to keep asking for his
input, but don’t get frustrated if he doesn’t
have anything to oer. Pay aenon when you
are at your Lile’s home and you can pick up
some clues on his interests, even if he can’t tell
you.
This is not a frequent scenario in our program,
but it is important to know what you would do
if it happens to you. If your Lile’s parent has a
cell phone, make sure that you have that phone
number. If you aren’t able to reach your Lile
or the parent, leave a note on the door or a
phone message saying that you were there. At
your rst opportunity, speak to the parent
about the incident. Perhaps it was a simple
misunderstanding. Remember that it is general-
ly best to make sure the parent knows about
your scheduled oungs by making a quick con-
rmaon phone call or email. With younger
children, schedule the oungs directly with the
parent to avoid any misunderstandings. If this
does become a regular occurrence, contact
your Match Support Specialist and ask for assis-
tance in approaching the parent.
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Big Training Manual
As dicult as it can be to discuss this topic, ignoring it is probably the worst thing you can do because if YOU
noce it, chances are your Lile’s friends noce it, too. Depending on your Lile’s age, you could talk to either
your Lile or your Lile’s parent. If you talk to the Lile’s parent, an oer to help will probably be received
beer than a simple statement about the child’s hygiene. If you are talking to the Lile, approach the topic
from an educaonal standpoint. Maybe your Lile isn’t aware of the changes in his body as he gets older and
he hasn’t developed a daily hygiene roune yet. For younger children, there are several good books on the
importance of cleanliness.
It is natural for you to feel the urge to help your Lile’s parent. Somemes you can do that just by spending a
minute listening and sympathizing. However, it is important to keep boundaries with the Lile’s parent and
not lose sight of who you are matched to. Taking on too many of the families problems can quickly lead to
burn-out and then you might not be able to help your Lile at all. If you are concerned about your Lile’s par-
ent, encourage the parent to seek appropriate assistance from her support system or from professionals who
are beer equipped to advise her.
9.
It is best to determine at the beginning of the match if the Lile’s
parent will pay for your Lile’s events and acvies. This can help
avoid awkward moments later. Occasionally a parent prefers that
the Lile pays his own way, but that is not usually possible. If your
Lile cannot pay, then you may have to pay for both of you. If your
Lile’s mother has agreed to give your Lile money but hasn’t
been doing so, it is ne to ask if there has been a change in your
agreement. Remember that it is not necessary to do costly acvi-
es on your match oungs. Contact your Match Support Specialist
if you need some ideas for low-cost or free acvies.
For more resources on:
Homework help
Family support
Child friendly websites
Free and low cost activities
Safety support
Asset development
Fundraisers
More
www.slobigs.org/resources
&
www.slobigs.org/newsletter
Big Training Manual
49
Transition and “Match Closure”
Things To Consider When Closing a Match
No matter the reason or the length of the match, you and your Little have given a lot to each other and go-
ing through this transition should be handled in a sensitive, thoughtful, and caring way.
Recognize that you have made an impact at some level on your Little.
The Little you now know is probably not the same Little with whom you were initially matched. Changes
probably have occurred. Celebrate the experience as much as you can together - highlights and hurdles.
There are not just two people involved; there are parents, siblings, schoolteachers, social workers, and staff
involved in the lives of almost every Little. It is important that you do not attempt to terminate the relation-
ship on your own.
The transition of closing the match can be a very positive experience that helps prepare the Little for future
relationships transitions. But, if the closure is not approached carefully, a child can be hurt by the experi-
ence. Our sta will work with you, the child and his/her parent to help you with this transion.
It is important to Let your Little know it is not their fault the relationship is ending.
How Will You Know When It’s Time to End the Match?
Termination is not something unique to a Big/Little relationship. Many examples from life show that growth and
change usually imply or involve some sort of termination from the old to the new, from something past to
something future. Changing jobs, leaving school, moving, losing a spouse or boyfriend are all types of termi-
nations.
Sometimes, these relationships are allowed to fade away, and a person moves on relatively unscathed. Your
relaonship with your Lile, due to his/her age and level of vulnerability, is somewhat
more complicated and requires more than a “fade out.”
-
Some Big/Little pairs will maintain close relationships for decades or even a life-time! These matches will be of-
ficially “closed” in the SLO Bigs records when the child reaches the age of 18 AND graduates High School. In
these cases, the match is not formally closed until the child is legally an adult. At that point, the Big and Lit-
tle can decide on their own terms for the relationship, hopefully with continued communication with and
support from the parent/guardian. Some mentors may continue to feel the need for guidance and support,
especially as the youth enters college and/or the adult workforce. It is important to remember that SLO
Bigs Support staff are only just a phone call or email away. We LOVE hearing from alumni Bigs and Littles
any time for any reason!
Occasionally Bigs, Littles or parents enroll in the program knowing ahead of time that they will not be able to
continue much beyond the one-year anniversary of the match. This can be due to planned life changes,
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Big Training Manual
such as starting one’s own family, re-locating, new work schedule, parental custody agreements or gradua-
tion from school. When this is the case, Big and Little should begin discussing the plans for ending the
match with each other AND the Match Support Specialist when there is still plenty of time to work through
the feelings and logistics of ending or significantly changing the relationship. 8-12 weeks is ideal.
Your relationship with your Little may transition to less regular contact because of a change in where you or
your Little lives, a change in life circumstances, a feeling that you have successfully taken your Little
through a critical stage, a change in school the Little is attending, declining interest as the Little grows older
and becomes more peer-focused, decreasing times that the Big and Little are both available, or because of
new or on-going challenges in the match.
When one of these circumstances occurs, the Big and/or the Little may decide it is time for a change in match.
At this time, discuss the situation with your Match Support Specialist. Together, you may decide that some
adjustments to the expectations of the relationship and changes to the arrangements for shared outings
may allow you to continue the positive, important role-modeling relationship you have with the child. Or,
you may agree that the best course of action is to officially end the match.
Slowly reducing the frequency of contact and outings until the relationship seems to end on its own may be fine
for some kinds of friendships, but is NOT a healthy or supportive way to end a Big/Little relationship. If you
find the two of you are getting together less and less frequently, it is important to speak openly about the
shift with the parent, child AND Match Support Staff. Once the change in the relationship has been
acknowledged all parties can decide on the next course of actions. Options include: renewed effort from all
parties to regain the previous level of involvement, updating the expectations and commitments so that
everyone understands the current stage of the relationship and shares expectations about the match, or
formally ending the relationship with each other and/or the agency. (See Natural Transitions section
above.)
Occasionally, an unexpected event leads one of the program participants or the Match Support Staff to sudden-
ly close the match without warning. This is rare, and difficult to achieve without causing emotional harm to
the child and perhaps the adults as well. Possible causes may include: child safety concerns, failure to com-
ply with agency guidelines or lack of communication.
What Are the Steps to Ending the Match Relationship?
In most cases, it is best to discuss the impending closure with Match Support Staff BEFORE discussing it with the
parent and/or child. This gives the Big a chance to plan the conversation and final outing with help and in-
Big Training Manual
51
sight from someone with a lot of experience in facilitating these transitions. Together, you can anticipate
and prepare for the responses you are likely to elicit from the child and/or parent. It also offers an oppor-
tunity to review the closure procedures to ensure compliance with program guidelines, which are designed
with child safety and liability protection in mind.
Generally, the second person who learns about the Big’s decision to close the match is the parent. Together,
the Big and parent can decide the best way to break the news to the child.
Ideally, the match closure is announced 8-12 weeks before the final outing, so all the program participants
have time to ask questions and emotionally process the transition. However, even in cases where the deci-
sion is sudden or where outings have been hard to schedule, we strongly advise a final in-person meeting
between Big and Little. In all cases, the announcement is made BEFORE the final outing.
The final outing can be a fun activity, similar to the ones you shared during the life of the match, or a special
date to focus on the transition. It might even be a visit to the child’s home and a chance to say goodbye to
everyone in the family. Regardless, several things should be achieved during this time:
-- The most important thing is that the Big and Little see each oth-
er and get to spend time together, knowing all the while that this is the end of their mentoring relation-
ship.
All the program participants need to have clear and mutually understood expectations for
the future of the relationship. If it is likely you will never see each other again, discuss this openly. If you
will continue to welcome contact from the Little, say so and explain what kind of contact you would wel-
come (Post cards? Phone calls? Showing up at your house unannounced?) Indicate what kind of response
the Little and/or parent should expect from you. Try to avoid vague phrases such as “See you around,” or
“Gimme a call sometime,” that might lead to anxiety, guilt or disappointment for your Little.
The final outing is an excellent opportunity to remember how much fun you have had
together. Talk about the changes you’ve observed in your Little as s/he has gotten older. Share how much
you have gained from the relationship. Look at photos together or just sit and reminisce. This is a chance
to show the child that just because the relationship is ending doesn’t mean it isn’t meaningful and valua-
ble.
Sometimes Bigs feel the need to act as if they don’t have any sad feelings about the
end of the match. Little and/or the parent may feel that pressure too. You can set a good example for eve-
ryone by openly expressing your sadness about the transition.
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Big Training Manual
This is probably not the first time you and your Little have discussed your feelings with each other. During your
relationship some of the feelings developed and encountered include:
Affection and dependence - Both the Big and Little will share affection for each other and may be mutually de-
pendent on each other. During the relationship, your Little may have developed a dependency that has
helped him/her in his/her environment.
Understanding and patience - Throughout the relationship, there may have developed some understanding of
each other. Unfulfilled expectations may have been handled through patience.
Guilt - The Big may feel unsuccessful. He/She may feel defeated but unable to admit it. Guilt sometimes accom-
panies termination and the Big may feel he/she did not help or that the Little did not benefit from the rela-
tionship. All matches have a positive impact. If you feel this way contact your match specialist as he/she
may have some insight into benefits you might have overlooked.
Anger and frustration - During the relationship, the Big may have experienced some frustration, including an
inability to manage or control the relationship, too many or too few phone calls from the Little, a feeling of
being “used” by the Little, etc.
The termination process is significant because it deals openly with the feelings associated with it:
Denial, Depression, Anger, Hurt, Frustration, and/or Rejection.
The reason for the termination may have little to do with the kinds of feelings that are evoked. Bigs may con-
sider the reasons for termination genuine and valid, but the Little may still feel hurt. Feelings of anger when ter-
mination is discussed are very real. S/he may ask, “Why are you leaving? Will you no longer be my friend? What have I
done to cause you to leave?” The Little might say or think “ I must be bad or you would not be leaving.” All of these
and many more questions and comments/remarks indicate some deep feelings of regret and anger.
Give the child permission to talk about and/or show his/her feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, anxiety
or grief. If has some of these feelings and expresses them, listen calmly and patiently. Do not argue or in-
terrupt. If you are not sure how to respond, try “thank you for sharing your feelings with me. It doesn’t
make it so I can chance things, but because I care about you, I care about your feelings too.”
A physical exchange or interaction can help a transition feel real, which helps all
parties adjust to it. It could be a hug, a hand-shake, a high five, a fist bump or all of the above. Gifts or to-
kens may also be appropriate. Examples include: Framed pictures or photo albums, goodbye letters, hand-
made crafts, sport equipment reminiscent of a pastime you enjoyed together, art supplies related to a pro-
ject you completed during your match, school supplies specific to the Little’s upcoming grade or projects,
or a book that you loved when you were the age your Little will be.
Big Training Manual
53
All parties of the match are expected to inform the Match Support Specialist that the final outing has occurred.
At that time, you might discuss whether a re-match is a good option for you or for your Little. You will re-
ceive a letter in the mail, thanking you for your participation and confirming that your match is closed. You
will no longer receive check-in phone calls or program activity invitations from the agency. You will, how-
ever, continue to receive the monthly e-newsletter until you choose the “unsubscribe” option at the foot
of the email. If you have supported the agency as a donor or non-Big volunteer, you will continue to infor-
mation related to those roles, until you inform us otherwise.
For the emotional well-being of the child, It is important that you confine your future interactions with him/her
and the family to the parameters you discussed during the termination process. If changes occur or you
feel a re-negotiation is in order, contact the agency to discuss the situation with a Match Support Special-
ist.
After the official match closure, SLO Bigs staff approve of on-going communication between Big and Little in
the form of special occasion and greeting cards, occasional letters and post-cards, in-frequent phone calls
and/or invitations to important life events such as graduations and weddings. However, it is NOT suggested
that the Big and Little continue with regular contact, planned outings and unsupervised one-to-one time to-
gether. On-going relationships based on regular, meaningful contact between the adult volunteer and the
disadvantaged youth have the lowest rate of child-safety or liability concerns and the highest rate of positive
impact for the Little when they are conducted with the cooperation, support and supervision of the Match
Support Team.
54
Big Training Manual
s your match begins, and throughout the enre life of your match, we want to THANK YOU! You are
stepping forward on a journey where you don’t know exactly what will happen, but you are doing this be-
cause you care for others and you know that there is great reward in life in the relaonships you develop.
We wish you all the best in your match with your Lile Brother or Lile Sister. Have great fun. Take pride in
your contribuon to the happiness of your Lile. We will be with you, supporng you, throughout your
journey.
A
CONTACT US!
517 13
th
Street, Paso Robles
(805) 239-3534
142 Cross Street, Suite 140, SLO
(805) 781-3226
P.O. Box 12644, SLO, CA 93406
www.slobigs.org
TEXT: (805) 242-5964
Please read this manual in preparation
for your 90-minute
Big Training Session , scheduled for
________________________________
(date and time)
...at the location circled below.
