Untitled

How To Do This Study 3

Participant Guidelines 4

Small Group Leader’s Guide 5

Session One 7

Session Two 10

Session Three 13

Session Four 16

Additional Resources 19

CONTENTS

HOW TO DO THIS STUDY

If You’re Doing This Study Alone

• Good for you for wanting to learn, grow, and be introspective. The shorter-form, digital products on specic top-

ics are an incredible way to dig deeper into a topic and are excellent for study as an individual, couple, or group.

• Since there may be no one to join you at this time, try your best to bring up the topics you’re thinking about with

people in your life.

• But, please consider inviting one, two, or ten other people to join you, either now or after you have completed the

study. These topical studies are excellent to use in community, whether learning from older, wiser people who have

weathered a few more seasons or personally leading a group of others.

If You’re Doing This Study As A Couple

• Purchase and download your own copy of the study.

• Go through the sections and discussion questions together or do them separately and review together.

• Ask questions and seek wisdom from others if the study becomes challenging to do together. Consider inviting

some other people to join you to discuss some of the challenges. This could be the topic itself or the way you are

interacting with each other. Perhaps even an older, wiser couple who has walked the road in front of you, a pastor,

or a Christian counselor could join.

• Also consider purchasing the book Love & Respect and reading it together. The book covers not only the topic of

the Crazy Cycle, but also the Energizing Cycle and the Rewarded Cycle—the real payo for learning how to best

love and respect your spouse.

If You’re Doing This Study As A Group

• We would appreciate each person in your group purchasing and downloading their own copy of the study.

• You could make copies and distribute them to others and we might never know since we operate on an honor code,

but we believe there’s incredible value in ownership when each person makes a small investment. When we invest a

little, we engage and participate. When we pay, we pay attention. We value the study.

• Please review and abide by the Participant’s Guidelines (see page 4), which are mutually benecial for all group

members.

If You’re Doing This Study As A Leader

• You don’t have to be an expert.

• Encourage everyone in your group to purchase and download their own copy of the study before your rst meet-

ing.

• Follow the Small Group Leader’s Guide (see page 5), which we trust will be encouraging and useful to you.

PARTICIPANT GUIDELINES

Small groups can have an enormous impact as you build friendships, gain support, and encourage each other in a

close group of people who hold you accountable as you work on your marriage. The guidelines below will help you

and your other group members benet from your time together.

Condentiality

Remember that everything shared in your small group is to be considered condential. This protects your group as a

supportive, accepting place for its members. Unless you’ve been given permission, do not share anything from your

discussion outside your small group.

Openness

Do your best to be open and honest during discussions. Your transparency will encourage others to do the same.

Respect For Group Members

Remember that each person has the right to their own opinion. All questions are encouraged and respected. Listen at-

tentively to others without interruption and be slow to judge. Be careful about sentences that start with “You should

. . .” or “You ought . . .” and do not give advice that isn’t specically solicited.

Respect Your Spouse’s Privacy

During your group discussions, be careful to guard your mate’s privacy and feelings, whether or not they are present.

Use the discussions to work on yourself and your relationship with God. If a sensitive issue involves your spouse,

and discussing it would embarrass or devalue them in the eyes of the group, save that discussion for your “at home”

discussion time.

Priority

Prioritize the small group meeting in your schedule. If you’re unable to attend or are running late, call your group

leader.

Support

Actively support the mission and values of the study and follow the directions given by your leader. Refrain from

gossip and criticism; if you have concerns or questions about a member’s views or statements, communicate directly

with that person.

Commitment

As with anything worthwhile in life, what you receive from this study will be directly related to the time, energy, and

eort you put into it. Commit to showing up each week, and being open to what God wants to teach you through

this study. God will honor your commitment and bless you and your marriage tenfold.

SMALL GROUP LEADER’S GUIDE

Thank you! We are grateful to those of you who are willing to answer God’s call and lead other couples through this

digital study. Our prayer is that you and your relationships will be strengthened and blessed in ways beyond your

hopes and expectations. As you prepare to facilitate, here are a few guidelines to keep in mind.

Don’t Do It Alone

Pray and ask God to help and guide you throughout. This is a big responsibility, but God doesn’t expect you to do it

alone. God promises to equip you for what He has called you to do. Be sure to set aside quiet time with God to allow

Him to strengthen and encourage you. Whether you are an experienced small group leader or this is your rst time,

God is pleased with your commitment and will meet you right where you are.

Be Caring and Sensitive

Some in your group might see a lot of humor in certain topics and questions. Others may be hurting and unhappy,

not seeing the humor at all. As you go through the study, be aware of those who may need a little more guidance and

encouragement than others. Some may even want to have you meet, talk, and pray with them outside the group. If

you feel their issues are more than you are qualied to handle, don’t hesitate to refer them to your pastor or a Chris-

tian counselor. Don’t worry if you don’t always have an answer to a question. Your group will appreciate your hones-

ty!

Be Accepting and Non-Threatening

For example, if someone comes up with an opinion that is totally counter to what Emerson sometimes refers to as

“typical” or “generally speaking,” do not be defensive or argumentative. Let everyone give opinions, then sum up by

saying, “According to Emerson’s extensive experience and research on marital communication, this is what he nds to

be the norm or what is typical of men and women, husbands and wives. He knows there are exceptions to any general

rule, but he has also found that regardless of how people think or act, they all need Love and Respect in communica-

tion.”

Be an Encourager

Encourage group members to attend every session, engage fully in the discussion, pray, and complete any assignments

that have been agreed upon. Help them to see God working in them throughout the study. As you lead, be sensitive

to personality types (i.e., introvert and extrovert). Gently draw out the quieter members by asking non-threatening

questions such as, “What do you think about this?” Encourage talkative members to fully share but not dominate the

discussion. Never allow unsolicited advice.

Prepare for Your Meeting Ahead of Time

Be sure you are familiar with the material, reading and/or watching ahead as appropriate and being aware of any spe-

cic instructions that come with your product.

Session Timing

Do your best to honor the time frame you have planned for each week. Keep the discussion focused on the topic and

on the specic questions the group is addressing. Let people share, give opinions, and even disagree a bit, but don’t

be afraid to sum things up and move to the next question or topic. If the conversation strays to other topics, gently

redirect the group back to the study guide questions and suggest that alternate discussion continue during the social

time after the study.

Depend on God’s Leading

Prayer should be an important part of every meeting. In some cases, Emerson may have provided a suggested prayer

at the end of the section or topic as an example. However, please feel free to lead your group with your own prayer or

have someone else in the group lead in prayer.

Abide by and Enforce Participant Guidelines

As the leader, you are the role model for your group. This doesn’t mean you are perfect, but abiding by the Partici-

pant’s Guidelines in the beginning of this book is expected.

Thank you again for allowing God to use you by serving as a small group leader. Your willingness and commitment to

dedicate your time, eort, and energy is a priceless gift. You are the ones making a dierence in the battle against failed

marriages and divorce. May God bless you and your marriage.

We would love to hear from you! If you are willing to share your feedback on this study, please e-mail us at

[email protected].

What Is The Crazy Cycle?

Video

While watching the video, don’t worry about trying to follow along in the workbook or answering any of the ques-

tions below. Just sit back and enjoy the teachings of Dr. Eggerichs, based on Ephesians 5:33: “Each one of you also

must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” If you care to jot any notes down, feel

free to do so in the space below.

Summary

-



When the Issue Isn’t the Issue

Have you ever had a conict with your spouse when suddenly the issue didn’t seem to be the issue? Perhaps even the

conict went on for so long and grew so intense that one or both of you couldn’t even remember what the original

issue was. That’s because the issue wasn’t really the issue anymore.

In the stories Emerson shared about the contacts and jean jacket, the conicts that arose between he and Sarah weren’t

about trouble seeing and Christmas gifts; they were about the felt need each had in those moments of a lack of love

and respect from the most important person in their life.

It is that moment in the conict, when suddenly the issue is no longer the issue, when the Crazy Cycle rears its ugly

head and escalates the conict to levels neither spouse had intended.

Can You Relate?

Jason and Sara’s story is probably one many couples riding the Crazy Cycle can relate to: two goodwilled people who

love each other dearly but have dierent methods of working through conict, based on what each feels they need in

SESSION ONE

the situation, not on what their spouse needs.

Each admitted to constantly talking over the other, not trying to understand the other’s perspective, only out to be

heard. How common these methods must be in marriages across the world today. And when Sara nally worked up

the nerve to have a calm, honest, and open conversation with Jason, allowing herself to be more vulnerable than she’d

ever been with him, her felt need of love was not met, despite his good intentions of trying to love her through his

silence.

She was trying to respect him by giving him space to share his thoughts. He was trying to love her by simply listening.

But this honest misunderstanding between two goodwilled people who truly did love and respect each other would

keep them on the Crazy Cycle.

Love and Respect

Ephesians 5:33 gives us, as Emerson put it, “God’s last words to the church on marriage.” In this passage, the Holy

Spirit wrote through the apostle Paul, “A husband must love his wife, and a wife must respect her husband.” Now,

of course, a wife does need to also love her husband, and a husband needs to always show respect to his wife. But the

command here in Ephesians 5 doesn’t emphasize that. Why is that?

Because as Emerson found when he surveyed 7,000 people, the overwhelming felt need for a husband when in con-

ict with his wife is that she respects him, and his wife’s number one felt need in conict is for her husband to love

and cherish her. And having created us in His image and designed us inside and out, God knew we would need to be

given special instruction on how to best serve our spouse: she to respect him, and he to love her.

And when conict arises, the wife is not waiting for his respect and the husband is not wondering if she loves him.

But if he reacts without love and she responds without respect, the Crazy Cycle begins to spin. And as Jason and Sara

learned, simply talking over each other without trying to understand the other’s perspective will never stop the spin-

ning. Because she still feels unloved, and he still feels his wife doesn’t respect him.

Take Home Point: During conict when the issue is no longer the issue, one of you is feel-

ing unloved or disrespected, which can cause you to react in a like manner that triggers the

Crazy Cycle.

Discussion Questions

1. Have you ever had a conict with your spouse when suddenly the issue didn’t seem to be the issue anymore? How

did it escalate from something such as, say, working at the oce late, to the serious marital conict that it became?

2. In conicts that you have had with your spouse in which it became clear that the issue was no longer the issue any

longer, what were some of the root issues that revealed themselves in these times? Were the root issues addressed, or

was a Band-Aid placed over the root issue by merely dealing with the issue that wasn’t really the issue? What would

you do dierently if you found yourself in the same situation?

3. How can you relate to Jason and Sara’s story? What reminded you of conicts in your household and how you and

your spouse typically handle them?

4. Why do you believe Ephesians 5:33 does not command the wife to love her husband and the husband to respect his

wife? Do these omissions mean it is less important or secondary for the wife to love her husband and the husband

to respect his wife? Explain.

5. Do you fall into agreement with the results of Emerson’s survey? Meaning, if you are a husband, would you agree

that your number one felt need during conict with your wife is her respect; and as a wife, would you say that your

top desire from your husband during conict is to be assured of his love for you? Have you ever shared that with

him or her? If not, would you do so now?

6. For the “Single” spouse: If, for whatever reason, you are going through this study without your spouse, he or

she is not going to know what you mean by the Crazy Cycle and perhaps will become defensive and dismis-

sive if you quote Ephesians 5:33 aloud. But do you believe he or she would likely be able to relate and recog-

nize with you that “the issue is no longer the issue”? Do you believe that it is also their desire to deal with the

root issue and not just keep putting Band-Aids on everything? How might you be able to begin addressing

these root issues in an eective way?

In Closing

As you complete the rst session of The Crazy Cycle in Marriage, take some time to pray together as a couple. Wheth-

er or not you are currently experiencing a Crazy Cycle in your own marriage, ask God to soften your hearts toward

one another and give you the courage to faithfully pursue change wherever it is needed.

If you are completing this study on your own, apart from your spouse, take this time to pray for him or her and what-

ever is going on in their life that is keeping you from going through this study together. Pray that God will give you

the strength that you need to love and respect your spouse, no matter their response. Pray also that God will reveal to

you the root issues of your conicts with your spouse and how you can begin to address them.

On Your Own Between Sessions

Prayer: Over the course of the next week, start o each day by asking God to help you to better love and respect your

spouse in order to glorify Him through your marriage.

Encouragement: Make a commitment each day this next week to pick out at least one way your spouse made you feel

loved or respected and share that with him or her.

Confession: If this session has helped you to recognize ways in which you have not lived out God’s expectation for

you in marriage, spend some time sharing that with your spouse and asking for forgiveness.

List: Write down one practical way you can love or respect your spouse over the course of the next week. Commit to

following through beginning the next session of the series.

Memorize: Commit Ephesians 5:33 to memory and ask God to teach you how best to live it out in your marriage.

Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,

and the wife must respect her husband.

-Ephesians 5:33

Her Needs — Unconditional Love

Video

While watching the video, don’t worry about trying to follow along in the workbook or answering any of the ques-

tions below. Just sit back and enjoy the teachings of Dr. Eggerichs, based on Ephesians 5:33: “Each one of you also

must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” If you care to jot any notes down, feel

free to do so in the space below.

Summary

Not Wrong, Just Dierent

In Matthew 19:4, Jesus said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and

female?” The dierences between male and female go well beyond genetics and biology, though that is not always

what we hear the world preaching to us today. In creating us as male and female, God designed us with many dier-

ences, not the least of which is our individual felt needs for love and respect. And as we explore these dierences with

our spouse and work through specic conicts, it’s important to remember one key phrase: “Not wrong, just dier-

ent.”

Many marital conicts begin as innocent as the husband who believes he is doing the loving and thoughtful thing

when buying a diet book for his wife who recently opened up to him about her frustrations with herself for gaining

a few pounds. He was merely trying to show her that he listened to her and that he cares about what she cares about,

and she interpreted his “gift” as a declaration that he will only love her if she looks like a cheerleader. Neither is wrong,

just dierent.

So when an honorable man tries to do the loving thing, only to be told by his wife that she has never felt so unloved,

how he responds to her reaction that he found disrespectful will determine whether they are about to take a spin on

SESSION TWO

the Crazy Cycle. With his next decision and his next words, he has the power to decide whether he will get that cycle

spinning even harder with his defensive and unloving reaction or if he will soften her spirit and apologize for his unin-

tentional message that he would have never dreamed of sending to the most important person in his life.

Can You Relate?

More than a few wives can probably relate to Jackie, who admitted to having certain expectations of what her life with

Michael, her husband, would be like upon getting married. And when his work schedule regularly kept him out later

than she had expected, she felt unloved, as though he didn’t want to be home with his family.

And no husband looks forward to nally coming home from a long day of work if he knows he is about to be bar-

raged with questions and accusations from his wife, as Michael found the case to be most days. The on-ramp to the

Crazy Cycle in instances like these is four lanes wide, with no trac and a giant billboard that reads “This way now

for your next heated argument!” It would be very easy for her to scream at him that he doesn’t love her as much as he

loves his job, and it would be equally tempting for him to accuse her of not respecting him as the nancial provider

for the family.

But as Jackie and Michael admitted to having to learn, we have to take the path less traveled. We must remember that

our spouse is a good person, that he or she is for you, not against you. The loving, respectful, good-hearted person

you married is still sitting across the dinner table from you. But we must enter into conict assured of that if we are to

avoid spinning on the Crazy Cycle.

“I’ll Show Her!”

Without a doubt, not all conicts between a husband and wife begin as unintentional. After all, we are all human and

sometimes we simply get angry with someone and we’re ready and willing to make sure they know it!

Finances and budgets denitely provide easy opportunities for a husband to “show his wife” how it negatively aects

their life when she spends what he feels is way too much at the grocery store one month. But the ensuing conict that

arises when he purposefully erupts toward her in an unloving manner is a perfect example of what we discussed in

Session 1, when the issue is no longer the issue.

He feels the issue is that she spent well over their budget, so he intends to teach her a lesson and force her to become

more respectful about their nances. But his unloving reaction has changed the issue from being about nances to

now being about him using unholy means to achieve a worthy end. And no matter how worthy the goal of keeping

within budget may be, his wife will only be focused on his unloving reaction toward her.

As Emerson said, isn’t it odd that he would actually deprive his wife of her deepest need in order to motivate her to

meet his deepest need?

Take Home Point: During conict an honorable man must guard against his natural

tendency to react in ways that appear unloving to his wife, otherwise it triggers the Crazy

Cycle.

Discussion Questions

1. Have you ever wound up on the Crazy Cycle despite your heart being in the right place? How did everything end

up going so much worse than you intended? How could the Crazy Cycle have been avoided?

2. When your good intentions are misinterpreted by your spouse and the Crazy Cycle gets ready to start spinning,

what makes it so dicult to say something like, “I’m sorry. That was not my intent. Will you forgive me for having

done something that felt so unloving to you”? If the tables were turned and your spouse asked that of you, how

would you respond?

3. Put yourself in Jackie’s shoes. What is it about your spouse consistently coming home later than you expected that

makes it so easy to interpret the action as unloving? What are some healthy options for addressing this together?

4. Why does it not work to use unholy means or methods to achieve a worthy end? Even if the budget issue (or what-

ever the issue may be) is resolved after a bit of a scolding, what other damage has been done in the relationship?

5. Emerson said that the reason God specically commands men to love their wives in Ephesians 5 is because men do

not react lovingly by default when angry. Do you agree or disagree with that assessment? Explain why.

6. For the “Single” Spouse: If, for whatever reason, you are going through this study without your spouse, he or she

is not going to know what you mean by the Crazy Cycle and perhaps will become defensive and dismissive if you

quote Ephesians 5:33 aloud. But how might he or she react to learning the meaning behind the phrase “not wrong,

just dierent”? How could you use this teaching to talk about your need to feel loved that is dierent than his or

your need to feel respected that is dierent than hers?

In Closing

As you complete the second session of The Crazy Cycle in Marriage, take some time to pray together as a couple.

Whether or not you are currently experiencing a Crazy Cycle in your own marriage, ask God to soften your hearts

toward one another and give you the courage to faithfully pursue change wherever it is needed.

If you are completing this study on your own, apart from your spouse, take this time to pray for him or her and what-

ever is going on in their life that is keeping you from going through this study together. Pray that God will give you

the strength that you need to love and respect your spouse, no matter their response. Pray also that you both will be

able to nd common ground on “not wrong, just dierent” as the two of you continue to learn about and adjust to

the dierences that God designed in you.

On Your Own Between Sessions

Prayer: Over the course of the next week, start o each day by asking God to help you to better love and respect your

spouse in order to glorify Him through your marriage.

Encouragement: Make a commitment each day this next week to pick out at least one way your spouse made you feel

loved or respected and share that with him or her.

Confession: If this session has helped you to recognize ways in which you have not lived out God’s expectation for

you in marriage, spend some time sharing that with your spouse and asking for forgiveness.

Memorize: Commit Matthew 19:4 to memory and ask God to share with you what dierences He created your

spouse with that He wants you to embrace.

Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning

made them male and female?

- Matthew 19:4

His Needs—Unconditional Respect

Video

While watching the video, don’t worry about trying to follow along in the workbook or answering any of the ques-

tions below. Just sit back and enjoy the teachings of Dr. Eggerichs, based on Ephesians 5:33: “Each one of you also

must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” If you care to jot any notes down, feel

free to do so in the space below.

Summary

Neither Is He Wrong, Only Dierent

Just as women have a vulnerability that men don’t have, so do men. When a man sees his wife’s eyes darkening, her

face turning sour, her hand on the hip, the rolling of her eyes, and her scolding nger, followed up with choice words

of contempt from his bride, the message he’s hearing from her is that she doesn’t like him as a human being. She

doesn’t respect him.

A woman can say all day long that is not the message he ought to hear, that the issue is about leaving his dirty laundry

on the oor or his splattering water on the bathroom mirror she just spent ten minutes cleaning. But he has a vulner-

ability here in situations like these. In this heated moment of estrogen from his wife, he hears that he’s inadequate,

that he’s not good enough for her, that she does not respect who he is as a human being. Although that was the last

message she intended to send to her dear husband, she needs to remember: he, too, is not wrong; just dierent.

So in moments like these when the tempting, natural response is to rip into him so as to make sure your point is tak-

en, a wife needs to use what is referred to as “Respect Talk.” Tell him, “I’m not trying to send you a message of disre-

spect. I’m not trying to dishonor you. How do I say this in such a way that you don’t feel I’m trying to shame you or

talk down to you? I truly do have a need for your strength, a need to connect with you.”

SESSION THREE

Can You Relate?

In our testimonial, Jones admitted to working sixty to sixty-ve hours a week, unfortunately not uncommon today in

our high-intensity, always competitive work environment. And when a husband is gone for ten to twelve hours a day,

family dinners are lonely, Little League games are missed, and his wife feels unimportant, as was the case with Susan.

But his wife’s little “innocent” jabs didn’t help things with Jones. Jokes about the work wife he must have since he’s

always at work fell at with him, even upset him, as he felt she didn’t respect all the sacrices he made for the family.

Comments about him needing to ask his mom about things pierced Jones’s heart, echoing to him the message that he

wasn’t man enough. For Susan, the issue was about his extensive work hours and his mom protruding in too much.

But for Jones, all he heard was that he was inadequate, that she didn’t like him, that his wife did not respect who he

was as a human being.

According to Susan and Jones, the turning point for them came when they realized together that, as Susan said, “We

needed to change the story.” But the story that needed changing was not Jones’s work situation, or his mother living

with them. The story that changed was her tone with him, that she was intentional about sending him the message

that she values him, not resents him. And in response, he apologized for his extended work hours, not becoming

defensive over it.

When He Doesn’t Hear the Cry of Your Heart

Many women will admit that they don’t know what showing respect to their husbands should look like. But they all

know what disrespect is, and oftentimes it makes sense to her to roll those eyes, get her nger pointing in all sorts of

directions, and nd the perfect words of disrespect so as to get him to hear the true cry of her heart.

But whether you’re trying to motivate him to nally start putting the toilet seat down or if you’re responding to his

invitation to be sexually intimate even after your fteen-hour day of cooking, cleaning, transporting three kids all over

the city, and assisting with homework, showing disrespect is not the key to motivating or communicating with your

husband.

A husband’s deepest need is to be respected, especially from his wife, the woman he values and cherishes more than

anyone in his life. He knows that she loves him; that is not in question. But the words of contempt, the glaring eyes,

the hands on hips . . . they will never motivate him to be more sensitive to his wife’s feelings or needs. He will only

hear the message “I don’t respect who you are for making that request or for working as late as you sometimes do.”

The cry of a woman’s heart is to feel loved. The cry of her husband’s heart is to be respected. Using unholy means to

make sure those cries are heard will not satisfy either’s desire.

Take Home Point: During conict a loving woman must guard against her natural

tendency to appear disrespectful to her husband, otherwise it triggers the Crazy Cycle.

Discussion Questions

1. Explain what is wrong about the argument that says, “He knows I love him. Shouldn’t he feel respected already?”

2. Why would a husband feel disrespected by the well-intentioned action of his wife buying him three marriage books

to read, with specic passages highlighted for him to take notice of?

3. In the testimonial, Jones’s work schedule did not change and his mother did not move out. Yet things changed for

the positive in their relationship. How? What was dierent?

4. In the moment, why can it seem to make sense for a wife to send a message of disrespect to her husband in order to

motivate him to be more loving? How does this end up making things worse?

5. Think of a past conict you have had in your marriage. How could you have approached your husband more

respectfully and better achieved the loving response you were hoping for?

6. For the “Single” Spouse: If, for whatever reason, you are going through this study without your spouse, he or she

is not going to know what you mean by the Crazy Cycle and perhaps will become defensive and dismissive if you

quote Ephesians 5:33 aloud. But he or she does want to hear the cry of your heart, even if they are not currently do-

ing so. What has your heart been trying to say to your spouse but the Crazy Cycle keeps taking you o topic? How

will you better express your heart on this matter?

In Closing

As you complete the third session of The Crazy Cycle in Marriage, take some time to pray together as a couple.

Whether or not you are currently experiencing a Crazy Cycle in your own marriage, ask God to soften your hearts

toward one another and give you the courage to faithfully pursue change wherever it is needed.

If you are completing this study on your own, apart from your spouse, take this time to pray for him or her and what-

ever is going on in their life that is keeping you from going through this study together. Pray that God will give you

the strength that you need to love and respect your spouse, no matter their response. Pray also that you can nd the

most loving and respectful way to communicate the cry of your heart this week.

On Your Own Between Sessions

Prayer: Over the course of the next week, start o each day by asking God to help you to better love and respect your

spouse in order to glorify Him through your marriage.

Encouragement: Make a commitment each day this next week to pick out at least one way your spouse made you feel

loved or respected and share that with him or her.

Confession: If this session has helped you to recognize ways in which you have not lived out God’s expectation for

you in marriage, spend some time sharing that with your spouse and asking for forgiveness.

Memorize: If you have not already, commit Ephesians 5:33 to memory and ask God to teach you how best to live it

out in your marriage.

Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,

and the wife must respect her husband.

-Ephesians 5:33

SESSION FOUR

Breaking the Crazy Cycle

Video

While watching the video, don’t worry about trying to follow along in the workbook or answering any of the ques-

tions below. Just sit back and enjoy the teachings of Dr. Eggerichs, based on Ephesians 5:33: “Each one of you also

must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” If you care to jot any notes down, feel

free to do so in the space below.

Summary

Just Accept It

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that “If you marry, you have not sinned, but you will have trouble.” There you have

it, right out of God’s Word. Marriages bring trouble. Don’t let Hollywood fool you; there are no perfect, happy-go-

lucky relationships with nothing but hugs, kisses, and overowing bank accounts. You and your spouse will have

trouble at times. You will indeed nd yourself on the Crazy Cycle. And that is okay.

Because “having trouble” does not mean your marriage is “in trouble.” It very well could be that when Tuesday night

rolls around and he is ready to be sexually intimate, while she is exhausted and only wants to cuddle with a book, the

marriage is smack dab in the center of God’s will, despite the “trouble” you nd yourself working through.

So when the Crazy Cycle begins—he is feeling that she is not respecting his physical needs that only she can meet; she

is feeling that he is not loving her by understanding her mental exhaustion from the day—you may take a spin or two,

but then the spouse who sees him or herself as the most mature can simply say, “I shouldn’t have said it that way. Will

you forgive me?”

Yes, “you will have trouble.” And in that trouble, God can be gloried and your marriage strengthened. Embrace it.

Can You Relate?

“We didn’t know diddly squat [about marriage], but we thought we did.” Oh, how wonderful it would be if all

couples could humble themselves to the conclusion that Julie and Larry did in the video testimonial. How many of

us have lled our conversations with others with our “Yes, but” statements? “Yes, we know that marriages can bring

trouble, but we’re prepared.” “Yes, we know that the honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever, but we are so in love with

each other that we believe we will become the exception.”

Julie, too, thought she knew all she needed to know about loving her husband, except she had to admit later that

respecting a husband had never been modeled for her. And Larry, also, thought a happy marriage was all about love,

love, love. But he had no idea that as a man, respect is what he needed to feel most from his wife.

Though Julie never said the words, what he heard from her was that she didn’t respect him as a man. And despite her

head knowledge that Larry did love her, Julie’s heart never felt that love. Therefore, conict was continual in their

relationship, even when they didn’t even recognize it.

But as with Julie, when one spouse decides to be the mature one and start loving or respecting the other despite not

feeling loved or respected in return, we get to see the beautiful work God can do in our hearts, right there in the mid-

dle of the Crazy Cycle!

Decode What’s Really Going On

The key to getting o of the Crazy Cycle is always keeping in mind 1 Corinthians 7:33–34: “but one who is married

is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife...The woman...who is married is concerned

about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” Your husband or wife is not the exception! He or

she desires to please you, at all times. It’s in our DNA to be concerned with such things.

There are many moments when it becomes dicult not to feel oended or react without anger. But we have to

remember our spouse’s goodwill. We have to remember they are still concerned with pleasing us. We must approach

them as our ally, not our enemy. And allies have conicts; they have disagreements and don’t always see eye to eye.

But they don’t wipe each other o the map. They don’t send in the artillery against each other.

So keeping in mind that your spouse is your ally, not your enemy, the next key is to decode what is really going on. Is

he withdrawing from you because he is unloving toward you, or did you say or do something prior that he interpret-

ed as disrespectful? Is she irrational and emotional toward you after work because she gets excited about disrespecting

you, or have you done or said something recently that felt very unloving to her?

To take a moment and decode the situation, rather than grabbing hold of that wheel and spinning it even faster, gives

you the power to get o the Crazy Cycle with your spouse. But you must always remember that he or she still desires

to please you, is still your ally. And then you must ask yourself, did I do something to cause this unloving or disre-

spectful response? And then ask forgiveness and watch what happens. Watch that Crazy Cycle come to a stop.

Take Home Point: During conict each must accept honest misunderstandings and

dierences between two people of goodwill as part of God’s will.

Discussion Questions

1. How do you make sense of 1 Corinthians 7:4: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the

husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”? How

does it relate to verse 28 that says, “If you marry, you have not sinned, but you will have trouble”?

2. Does it comfort you or worry you to hear that sometimes when we’re in the Crazy Cycle with our spouse, we’re

right in the center of God’s will? What does that mean to you?

3. In the testimonial, Julie revealed that the turning point for her came when she learned that her relationship with

her husband was a direct picture of her relationship with God. And of course, the same can be said for a husband’s

relationship with his wife. What does this mean? How are the two relationships connected?

4. How does it help to always keep in mind, when in conict, that your spouse is a person of goodwill and that he or

she is concerned with pleasing you?

5. How can our attitude and emotions toward our spouse ip-op when we are able to decode that his or her unlov-

ing or disrespectful actions were in response to something unloving or disrespectful we unintentionally communi-

cated to them rst?

6. For the “Single” Spouse: If, for whatever reason, you are going through this study without your spouse, he or she

is not going to know what you mean by the Crazy Cycle and perhaps will become defensive and dismissive if you

quote Ephesians 5:33 aloud. But 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 should still be comforting for the both of you, in saying that

the husband is concerned with pleasing his wife and the wife is concerned with pleasing her husband. How can this

truth from God’s Word help your relationship with your spouse this week?

In Closing

As you complete the last session of The Crazy Cycle in Marriage, take some time to pray together as a couple. Wheth-

er or not you are currently experiencing a Crazy Cycle in your own marriage, ask God to soften your hearts toward

one another and give you the courage to faithfully pursue change wherever it is needed.

If you are completing this study on your own, apart from your spouse, take this time to pray for him or her and what-

ever is going on in their life that is keeping you from going through this study together. Pray that God will give you

the strength that you need to love and respect your spouse, no matter their response. Pray also that God will show

you this week the many ways that your spouse is still concerned with pleasing you.

On Your Own After This Final Session

Prayer: As you have hopefully begun a new habit during the course of this study, commit to continuing to begin each

day by asking God to help you better love and respect your spouse in order to glorify Him through your marriage.

Encouragement: Make a commitment each day this next week to pick out at least one way your spouse made you feel

loved or respected and share that with him or her.

Confession: If this session has helped you to recognize ways in which you have not lived out God’s expectation for

you in marriage, spend some time sharing that with your spouse and asking for forgiveness.

List: Write down three practical ways you can love or respect your spouse in the future. Commit to following through

on at least one of them each week in the coming weeks.

Memorize: Commit 1 Corinthians 7:28 to memory and ask God to teach you how to use the trouble in your marriage

for His glory.

… if you marry, you have not sinned...Yet such will have trouble...

- 1 Corinthians 7:28

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