1988-5th-Edition-Basic-Text-Books-1-2.pdf

NARCOTICS

ANONYMOUS

Fifth Edition

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS WORLD SERVICES, INC.

HATSWORTH, CALIFORNIA

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

reprinted for adaptation by permission of AA World Services, Inc.

Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

World Service Ofﬁce

PO Box 9999

Van Nuys, CA 91409

Tel. (818) 773-9999

Fax (818) 700-0700

Website: www.na.org

World Service Ofﬁce–EUROPE

48 Rue de l’ Été

B-1050 Brussels, Belgium

Tel. +32/2/646-6012

Fax +32/2/649-9239

World Service Ofﬁce–CANADA

150 Britannia Rd. E. Unit 21

Mississauga, Ontario, L4Z 2A4, Canada

Tel. (905) 507-0100

Fax (905) 507-0101

Published 1983. Second Edition 1983. Third Edition 1984.

Third Edition (Revised) 1986. Fourth Edition 1987. Fifth Edition 1988.

20th Anniversary Basic Text published 2003.

Pocket-sized hardcover and softcover versions published 2005 and 2006 respectively.

Printed in the United States of America.

07 06 70 69 68 67 66 65

ISBN 978-0-912075-02-0 (Hardcover) WSO Catalog Item No. EN-1101

ISBN 978-1-55776-025-8 (Softcover) WSO Catalog Item No. EN-1102

ISBN 978-1-55776-513-0 (20th Anniversary) WSO Catalog Item No. EN-1104

ISBN 978-1-55776-643-4 (Pocket-Sized Hardcover) WSO Catalog Item No. EN-1105

ISBN 978-1-55776-674-8 (Pocket-Sized Softcover) WSO Catalog Item No. EN-1106

This is NA Fellowship-approved literature.

Narcotics Anonymous, and The NA Way

are registered trademarks of Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Incorporated.

CONTENTS

Our Symbol ix

Preface x

Introduction xiii

BOOK ONE: NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS

Chapter One

Who Is an Addict? 3

Chapter Two

What Is the

Narcotics Anonymous Program? 8

Chapter Three

Why AreWe Here? 11

Chapter Four

How It Works 14

Chapter Five

What Can I Do? 43

Chapter Six

The Twelve Traditions of

Narcotics Anonymous 48

Chapter Seven

Recovery and Relapse 62

Chapter Eight

We Do Recover 70

Chapter Nine

Just for Today—Living the Program 74

Chapter Ten

MoreWill Be Revealed 80

BOOK TWO: PERSONAL STORIES

A Gift Called Life 87

If I Can Do It, So Can You 91

An Indian Without a Tribe 96

In Search of a Friend 99

I Was Unique 102

I Found a Home 105

If You Want What We Have 108

I Qualify 113

Why Me? Why Not Me? 116

Jails, Institutions, and Recovery 120

Fearful Mother 123

I Found the Only

N.A. Meeting in the World 127

Alien 132

A Little Girl Grows Up 137

It’s Okay To Be Clean 144

Nowhere To Turn 147

Recovery Is My Responsibility 153

Unmanageable 156

How Do You Spell Relief? 159

Physician Addict 161

Part of the Solution 166

Resentment at the World 170

Mid-Pacific Serenity 172

The Vicious Cycle 177

I Was Different 179

Pothead! 182

I Can’t Do Any More Time 185

Fat Addict 188

Early Services 190

I Felt Hopeless 192

I Kept Coming Back 195

It Won’t Get Any Worse 200

My Gratitude speaks 205

No Excuse for Loneliness 209

Relapse and Return 217

Sick and Tired at Eighteen 220

The War Is Over 223

Up from Down Under 225

Index 230

OUR SYMBOL

Simplicity is the key to our symbol; it imitates the simplicity of our Fel-

lowship. All sorts of occult and esoteric connotations can be found in its

simple outlines, but foremost in the minds of the Fellowship are easily un-

derstood meanings and relationships.

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room

within it for all manifestations of the recovering person.

The square, whose lines are defined, is easily seen and understood, but

there are other unseen parts of the symbol. The square base denotes Good

will, the ground of both the Fellowship and the members of our society.

Good will is best exemplified in service; proper service is “Doing the right

thing for the right reason.” When Good will supports and motivates both

the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free. Prob-

ably the last to be lost to freedom will be the stigma of being an addict.

It is the four pyramid sides that rise from the base in a three-dimen-

sional figure that represent Self, Society, Service, and God. All rise to the

point of Freedom. All parts are closely related to the needs and aims of the

addict who is seeking recovery, and to the purpose of the Fellowship which

is to make recovery available to all. The greater the base, (as we grow in

unity in numbers and in fellowship) the broader the sides of the pyramid,

and the higher the point of freedom.

God

Goodwill

Society

Service

Universal Program

Freedom

Self

PREFACE

“The full fruit of a labor of love lives in the harvest, and that always

comes in its right season … “

The material for this book was drawn from the personal experiences of ad-

dicts within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. This Basic Text is

based on an outline derived from our “white book,” Narcotics Anonymous.

The first eight chapters are based on the topic headings in the white book

and carry the same title. A ninth chapter has been included, Just for Today,

as well as a tenth chapter, More Will Be Revealed. Following is a brief his-

tory of the book.

Narcotics Anonymous was formed in July 1953, with the first meeting

held in Southern California. The Fellowship grew erratically but quickly

spread to various parts of the United States. From the beginning, the need

was evident for a book on recovery to help strengthen the Fellowship. The

white book, Narcotics Anonymous, was published in 1962.

The Fellowship still had little structure, however, and the 1960s were a

period of struggle. Membership grew rapidly for a time and then began to

decline. The need for more specific direction was readily apparent. N.A.

demonstrated its maturity in 1972, when a World Service Office (WSO) was

opened in Los Angeles. The WSO has brought the needed unity and sense

of purpose to the Fellowship.

The opening of the WSO brought stability to the growth of the Fellow-

ship. Today, there are recovering addicts in thousands of meetings all across

the United States and in many foreign countries. Today the World Service

Office truly serves a worldwide Fellowship.

Narcotics Anonymous has long recognized the need for a complete Ba-

sic Text on addiction—a book about addicts, by addicts and for addicts.

This effort was strengthened, after the formation of WSO, with the publi-

cation of The N.A. Tree, a pamphlet on service work. This pamphlet was the

original service manual of the Fellowship. It has been followed by subsequent

and more comprehensive volumes, and now the N.A. Service Manual.

The manual outlined a service structure that included a World Service

Conference (WSC). The WSC, in turn, included a Literature Committee.

With the encouragement of WSO, several members of the Board of Trust-

ees, and the Conference, work began.

viii

Preface ix

As the cry for literature, particularly a comprehensive text, became more

widespread, the WSC Literature Committee developed. In October 1979,

the first World Literature Conference was held in Wichita, Kansas, followed

by conferences in Lincoln, Nebraska; Memphis, Tennessee; Santa Monica,

California; Warren, Ohio; and Miami, Florida.

The WSC Literature Subcommittee, working in conference and as indi-

viduals, has collected hundreds of pages of material from members and

groups throughout the Fellowship. This material has been laboriously cata-

logued, edited, assembled, dismembered and reassembled. Dozens of area

and regional representatives working with the Literature Committee have

dedicated thousands of man-hours to produce the work presented here. But

more importantly, those members have conscientiously sought to ensure a

“group conscience” text.

In keeping with the spirit of anonymity, we, the WSC Literature Sub-

committee, feel it appropriate to express our special gratitude and appre-

ciation to the Fellowship as a whole, especially the many who contributed

material for inclusion in the book. We feel that this book is a synthesis of

the collective group conscience of the Fellowship and that every single idea

submitted is included in the work in some form or another.

This volume is intended as a textbook for every addict seeking recov-

ery. As addicts, we know the pain of addiction, but we also know the joy

of recovery we have found in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. We

believe the time has come to share our recovery, in written form, with all

who desire what we have found. Appropriately, this book is devoted to

informing every addict:

JUST FOR TODAY, YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!

Therefore,

With gratitude in our recovery, we dedicate our N.A. book to the lov-

ing service of our Higher Power. That through the development of a con-

scious contact with God, no addict seeking recovery need die without a

chance to find a better way of life.

We remain trusted servants in gratitude and loving service,

LITERATURE SUBCOMMITTEE

WORLD SERVICE CONFERENCE

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS

xii Narcotics Anonymous

We cannot change the nature of the addict or addiction.

We can help to change the old lie “Once an addict, always an

addict,” by striving to make recovery more available.

God, help us to remember this difference.

INTRODUCTION

This book is the shared experience of the Fellowship of Narcotics Anony-

mous. We welcome you to read this text, hoping that you will choose to

share with us the new life that we have found. We have by no means found

a cure for addiction. We offer only a proven plan for daily recovery.

In N.A., we follow a program adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous.

More than one million people have recovered in A.A., most of them just as

hopelessly addicted to alcohol as we were to drugs. We are grateful to the

A.A. Fellowship for showing us the way to a new life.

The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, as adapted from A.A., are the

basis of our recovery program. We have only broadened their perspective.

We follow the same path with a single exception; our identification as ad-

dicts is all-inclusive with respect to any mood-changing, mind-altering sub-

stance. Alcoholism is too limited a term for us; our problem is not a specific

substance, it is a disease called addiction. We believe that as a fellowship,

we have been guided by a Greater Consciousness, and are grateful for the

direction that has enabled us to build upon a proven program of recovery.

We come to Narcotics Anonymous by various means and believe that

our common denominator is that we failed to come to terms with our ad-

diction. Because of the variety of addicts found within our Fellowship, we

approach the solution contained within this book in general terms. We pray

that we have been searching and thorough, so that every addict who reads

this volume will find the hope that we have found.

Based on our experience, we believe that every addict, including the

potential addict, suffers from an incurable disease of body, mind, and spirit.

We were in the grip of a hopeless dilemma, the solution of which is spiri-

tual in nature. Therefore, this book will deal with spiritual matters.

We are not a religious organization. Our program is a set of spiritual

principles through which we are recovering from a seemingly hopeless state

of mind and body. Throughout the compiling of this work, we have prayed:

“GOD, grant us knowledge that we may write according to Your Divine

precepts. Instill in us a sense of Your purpose. Make us servants of Your

will and grant us a bond of selflessness, that this may truly be Your

work, not ours—in order that no addict, anywhere, need die from the

horrors of addiction.”

xii Narcotics Anonymous

Everything that occurs in the course of N.A. service must be motivated

by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the ad-

dict who still suffers. It was for this reason that we began this work. We

must always remember that as individual members, groups and service

committees, we are not and should never be in competition with each other.

We work separately and together to help the newcomer and for our com-

mon good. We have learned, painfully, that internal strife cripples our Fel-

lowship; it prevents us from providing the services necessary for growth.

It is our hope that this book will help the suffering addict find the so-

lution that we have found. Our purpose is to remain clean, just for today,

and to carry the message of recovery.

Who Is an Addict? 3

CHAPTER ONE

WHO IS AN ADDICT?

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our

whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the

getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived

to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life

is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and

progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions

and death.

Those of us who have found the Program of Narcotics Anonymous do not

have to think twice about the question: Who is an addict? We know! The

following is our experience.

As addicts, we are people whose use of any mind-altering, mood-chang-

ing substance causes a problem in any area of life. Addiction is a disease

that involves more than the use of drugs. Some of us believe that our dis-

ease was present long before the first time we used.

Most of us did not consider ourselves addicted before coming to the

Narcotics Anonymous Program. The information available to us came from

misinformed people. As long as we could stop using for a while, we thought

we were all right. We looked at the stopping, not the using. As our addic-

tion progressed, we thought of stopping less and less. Only in desperation

did we ask ourselves, “Could it be the drugs?”

We did not choose to become addicts. We suffer from a disease that

expresses itself in ways that are anti-social and that makes detection, diag-

nosis and treatment difficult.

Our disease isolated us from people except when we were getting, us-

ing and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered

and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything

not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank

and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only

way of life that we knew.

4 Narcotics Anonymous

Some of us used, misused and abused drugs and still did not consider

ourselves addicts. Through all of this, we kept telling ourselves, “I can

handle it.” Our misconceptions about the nature of addiction included vi-

sions of violence, street crime, dirty needles and jail.

When our addiction was treated as a crime or moral deficiency, we be-

came rebellious and were driven deeper into isolation. Some of the highs

felt great, but eventually the things that we had to do to continue using re-

flected desperation. We were caught in the grip of our disease. We were

forced to survive any way that we could. We manipulated people and tried

to control everything around us. We lied, stole, cheated and sold ourselves.

We had to have drugs regardless of the cost. Failure and fear began to in-

vade our lives.

One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on life’s

terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs to cope with a seemingly

hostile world. We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve

our ultimate problem—ourselves. The fact was that we could not use any

mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alco-

hol, successfully. Drugs ceased to make us feel good.

At times, we were defensive about our addiction and justified our right

to use, especially when we had legal prescriptions. We were proud of the

sometimes illegal and often bizarre behavior that typified our using. We

“forgot” about the times when we sat alone and were consumed by fear

and self-pity. We fell into a pattern of selective thinking. We only remem-

bered the good drug experiences. We justified and rationalized the things

that we did to keep from being sick or going crazy. We ignored the times

when life seemed to be a nightmare. We avoided the reality of our addiction.

Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the abil-

ity to love, were sharply affected by our use of drugs. Living skills were

reduced to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel

human was lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state

of mind.

We were constantly searching for the answer—that person, place or

thing that would make everything all right. We lacked the ability to cope

with daily living. As our addiction progressed, many of us found ourselves

in and out of institutions.

These experiences indicated that there was something wrong with our

lives. We wanted an easy way out. Some of us thought of suicide. Our

attempts were usually feeble and only helped to contribute to our feelings

Who Is an Addict? 5

of worthlessness. We were trapped in the illusion of “what if,” “if only”

and “just one more time.” When we did seek help, we were only looking

for the absence of pain.

We had regained good physical health many times, only to lose it by

using again. Our track record shows that it is impossible for us to use suc-

cessfully. No matter how well we may appear to be in control, using drugs

always brings us to our knees.

Like other incurable diseases, addiction can be arrested. We agree that

there is nothing shameful about being an addict, provided we accept our

dilemma honestly and take positive action. We are willing to admit with-

out reservation that we are allergic to drugs. Common sense tells us that it

would be insane to go back to the source of our allergy. Our experience

indicates that medicine cannot cure our illness.

Although physical and mental tolerance play a role, many drugs require

no extended period of use to trigger allergic reactions. Our reaction to drugs

is what makes us addicts, not how much we use.

Many of us did not think that we had a problem with drugs until the

drugs ran out. Even when others told us that we had a problem, we were

convinced that we were right and the world was wrong. We used this be-

lief to justify our self-destructive behavior. We developed a point of view

that enabled us to pursue our addiction without concern for our own well-

being or the well-being of others. We began to feel that the drugs were kill-

ing us long before we could ever admit it to anyone else. We noticed that

if we tried to stop using, we couldn’t. We suspected that we had lost con-

trol over the drugs and had no power to stop.

Certain things followed as we continued to use. We became accustomed

to a state of mind that is common to addicts. We forgot what it was like

before we started using; we forgot about social graces. We acquired strange

habits and mannerisms. We forgot how to work; we forgot how to play;

we forgot how to express ourselves and how to show concern for others.

We forgot how to feel.

While using, we lived in another world. We experienced only periodic

jolts of reality or self-awareness. It seemed that we were at least two people

instead of one, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We ran around and tried to get

our lives together before our next run. Sometimes we could do this very

well, but later, it was less important and more impossible. In the end, Dr.

Jekyll died and Mr. Hyde took over.

6 Narcotics Anonymous

Each of us has a few things that we never did. We cannot let these things

become excuses to use again. Some of us feel lonely because of differences

between us and other members. This feeling makes it difficult to give up

old connections and old habits.

We all have different tolerances for pain. Some addicts needed to go to

greater extremes than others. Some of us found that we had enough when

we realized that we were getting high too often and it was affecting our

daily lives.

At first, we were using in a manner that seemed to be social or at least

controllable. We had little indication of the disaster that the future held for

us. At some point, our using became uncontrollable and anti-social. This

began when things were going well, and we were in situations that allowed

us to use frequently. This was usually the end of the good times. We may

have tried to moderate, substitute or even stop using, but we went from a

state of drugged success and well-being to complete spiritual, mental and

emotional bankruptcy. This rate of decline varies from addict to addict.

Whether it occurs in years or days, it is all downhill. Those of us who don’t

die from the disease will go on to prison, mental institutions or complete

demoralization as the disease progresses.

Drugs had given us the feeling that we could handle whatever situa-

tion might develop. We became aware, however, that drug usage was

largely responsible for some of our worst predicaments. Some of us may

spend the rest of our lives in jail for a drug-related crime.

We had to reach our bottom, before we were willing to stop. We were

finally motivated to seek help in the latter stage of our addiction. Then it

was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our using.

It was harder to deny our addiction when problems were staring us in the

face.

Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people closest to us.

We were very dependent on them to carry us through life. We felt angry,

disappointed and hurt when they found other interests, friends and loved

ones. We regretted the past, dreaded the future, and we weren’t too thrilled

about the present. After years of searching, we were more unhappy and

less satisfied than when it all began.

Our addiction enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind and

were condemned by our own guilt. We gave up the hope that we would

ever stop using drugs. Our attempts to stay clean always failed, causing

us pain and misery.

Who Is an Addict? 7

As addicts, we have an incurable disease called addiction. The disease

is chronic, progressive and fatal. However, it is a treatable disease. We feel

that each individual has to answer the question, “Am I an addict?” How

we got the disease is of no immediate importance to us. We are concerned

with recovery.

We begin to treat our addiction by not using. Many of us sought an-

swers but failed to find any workable solution until we found each other.

Once we identify ourselves as addicts, help becomes possible. We can see

a little of ourselves in every addict and see a little of them in us. This in-

sight lets us help one another. Our future seemed hopeless until we found

clean addicts who were willing to share with us. Denial of our addiction

kept us sick, but our honest admission of addiction enabled us to stop us-

ing. The people of Narcotics Anonymous told us that they were recover-

ing addicts who had learned to live without drugs. If they could do it, so

could we.

The only alternatives to recovery are jails, institutions, dereliction and

death. Unfortunately, our disease makes us deny our addiction. If you are

an addict, you can find a new way of life through the N.A. Program. We

have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Through absti-

nence and through working the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, our

lives have become useful.

We realize that we are never cured, and that we carry the disease within

us for the rest of our lives. We have a disease, but we do recover. Each

day we are given another chance. We are convinced that there is only one

way for us to live, and that is the N.A. way.

8 Narcotics Anonymous

CHAPTER TWO

WHAT IS THE

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS

PROGRAM?

N.A. is a nonprofit Fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had

become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help

each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs.

There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We

suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a

set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The

most important thing about them is that they work.

There are no strings attached to N.A. We are not affiliated with any

other organizations, we have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no

promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political,

religious or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any

time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed,

religion or lack of religion.

We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your

connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little

you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we

can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting,

because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned

from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings

regularly stay clean.

Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and women who are learn-

ing to live without drugs. We are a nonprofit society and have no dues or

fees of any kind. Each of us has paid the price of membership. We have

paid for the right to recover with our pain.

Surviving against all odds, we are addicts who meet regularly. We re-

spond to honest sharing and listen to the stories of our members for the

message of recovery. We realize that there is hope for us at last.

What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program? 9

We make use of the tools that have worked for other recovering addicts

who have learned in N.A. to live without drugs. The Twelve Steps are posi-

tive tools that make our recovery possible. Our primary purpose is to stay

clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers. We are united

by our common problem of addiction. By meeting, talking, and helping other

addicts, we are able to stay clean. The newcomer is the most important per-

son at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.

Narcotics Anonymous has many years of experience with literally hun-

dreds of thousands of addicts. This firsthand experience in all phases of

illness and recovery is of unparalleled, therapeutic value. We are here to

share freely with any addict who wants to recover.

Our message of recovery is based on our experience. Before coming to

the Fellowship, we exhausted ourselves by trying to use successfully, and

wondering what was wrong with us. After coming to N.A., we found our-

selves among a very special group of people who have suffered like us and

found recovery. In their experiences, freely shared, we found hope for our-

selves. If the program worked for them, it would work for us.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. We have

seen the program work for any addict who honestly and sincerely wants to

stop. We don’t have to be clean when we get here, but after the first meet-

ing, we suggest that newcomers keep coming back and come back clean.

We don’t have to wait for an overdose or a jail sentence, to get help from

Narcotics Anonymous. Addiction is not a hopeless condition from which

there is no recovery.

We meet addicts like ourselves who are clean. We watch, listen and re-

alize that they have found a way to live and enjoy life without drugs. We

don’t have to settle for the limitations of the past. We can examine and re-

examine our old ideas. We can constantly improve our old ideas or replace

them with new ones. We are men and women who have discovered and

admitted that we are powerless over our addiction. When we use, we lose.

When we discovered that we could not live with or without drugs, we

sought help through N.A., rather than prolong our suffering. The program

works a miracle in our lives. We become different people. Working the steps

and maintaining abstinence give us a daily reprieve from our self-imposed

life sentences. We become free to live.

We want our place of recovery to be a safe place, free from outside in-

fluences. For the protection of the Fellowship, we insist that no drugs or

paraphernalia be brought to any meeting.

10 Narcotics Anonymous

We feel totally free to express ourselves within the Fellowship, because

law enforcement agencies are not involved. Our meetings have an atmo-

sphere of empathy. In accordance with the principles of recovery, we try

not to judge, stereotype or moralize with each other. We are not recruited

and membership does not cost anything. N.A. does not provide counsel-

ing or social services.

Our meetings are a process of identification, hope and sharing. The

heart of N.A. beats when two addicts share their recovery. What we do be-

comes real for us when we share it. This happens on a larger scale in our

regular meetings. A meeting happens when two or more addicts gather to

help each other stay clean.

At the beginning of the meeting, we read N.A. literature that is avail-

able to anyone. Some meetings have speakers, topic discussions or both.

Closed meetings are for addicts or those who think they might have a drug

problem. Open meetings welcome anyone wishing to experience our fel-

lowship. The atmosphere of recovery is protected by our Twelve Traditions.

We are fully self-supporting through voluntary contributions from our mem-

bers. Regardless of where the meeting takes place, we remain unaffiliated.

Meetings provide a place to be with fellow addicts. All we need are two

addicts, caring and sharing, to make a meeting.

We let new ideas flow into us. We ask questions. We share what we

have learned about living without drugs. Though the principles of the

Twelve Steps may seem strange to us at first, the most important thing about

them is that they work. Our program is a way of life. We learn the value

of spiritual principles such as surrender, humility and service from reading

the N.A. literature, going to meetings and working the steps. We find that

our lives steadily improve, if we maintain abstinence from mind-altering,

mood-changing chemicals and work the Twelve Steps to sustain our recov-

ery. Living this program gives us a relationship with a Power greater than

ourselves, corrects defects and leads us to help others. Where there has been

wrong, the program teaches us the spirit of forgiveness.

Many books have been written about the nature of addiction. This book

concerns itself with the nature of recovery. If you are an addict and have

found this book, please give yourself a break and read it.

Why Are We Here? 11

CHAPTER THREE

WHY ARE WE HERE?

Before coming to the Fellowship of N.A., we could not manage our own lives.

We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something

different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead

of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had

to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we

harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities

we were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of

facing life on its own terms.

Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing

suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the

power to do anything about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help

through medicine, religion and psychiatry. None of these methods was

sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress

until in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics

Anonymous.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a

disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at

some point, and recovery is then possible.

We are addicts seeking recovery. We used drugs to cover our feelings, and

did whatever was necessary to get drugs. Many of us woke up sick, un-

able to make it to work or went to work loaded. Many of us stole to sup-

port our habit. We hurt the ones we loved. We did all these things and

told ourselves, “I can handle it.” We were looking for a way out. We

couldn’t face life on life’s terms. In the beginning, using was fun. For us

using became a habit and finally was necessary for survival. The progres-

sion of the disease was not apparent to us. We continued on the path of

destruction, unaware of where it was leading us. We were addicts and did

not know it. Through drugs, we tried to avoid reality, pain and misery.

When the drugs wore off, we realized that we still had the same problems,

12 Narcotics Anonymous

and they were becoming worse. We sought relief by using again and

again—more drugs, more often.

We sought help and found none. Often doctors didn’t understand our

dilemma. They tried to help by giving us medication. Our husbands, wives

and loved ones gave us what they had and drained themselves in the hope

that we would stop using or would get better. We tried substituting one

drug for another but this only prolonged our pain. We tried limiting our

usage to social amounts without success. There is no such thing as a social

addict. Some of us sought an answer through churches, religions or cult-

ism. Some sought a cure by geographic change. We blamed our surround-

ings and living situations for our problems. This attempt to cure our

problems by moving gave us a chance to take advantage of new people.

Some of us sought approval through sex or change of friends. This ap-

proval-seeking behavior carried us further into our addiction. Some of us

tried marriage, divorce or desertion. Regardless of what we tried, we could

not escape from our disease.

We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause. We had

little worth to family, friends or on the job. Many of us were unemployed

and unemployable. Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar.

We didn’t know what to do. As the feeling of self-loathing grew, we needed

to use more and more to mask our feelings. We were sick and tired of pain

and trouble. We were frightened and ran from the fear. No matter how far

we ran, we always carried fear with us. We were hopeless, useless and lost.

Failure had become our way of life and self-esteem was non-existent. Per-

haps the most painful feeling of all was the desperation. Isolation and de-

nial of our addiction kept us moving along this downhill path. Any hope

of getting better disappeared. Helplessness, emptiness and fear became our

way of life. We were complete failures. Personality change was what we

really needed. Change from self-destructive patterns of life became neces-

sary. When we lied, cheated or stole, we degraded ourselves in our own

eyes. We had had enough of self-destruction. We experienced our power-

lessness. When nothing relieved our paranoia and fear, we hit bottom and

became ready to ask for help.

We were searching for an answer when we reached out and found Nar-

cotics Anonymous. We came to our first N.A. meeting in defeat and didn’t

know what to expect. After sitting in a meeting, or several meetings, we

began to feel that people cared and were willing to help. Although our

minds told us that we would never make it, the people in the Fellowship

Why Are We Here? 13

gave us hope by insisting that we could recover. We found that no matter

what our past thoughts or actions were, others had felt and done the same.

Surrounded by fellow addicts, we realized that we were not alone anymore.

Recovery is what happens in our meetings. Our lives are at stake. We found

that by putting recovery first, the program works. We faced three disturb-

ing realizations:

1. We are powerless over addiction and our lives are unmanageable;

2. Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our

recovery;

3. We can no longer blame people, places and things for our addiction. We must

face our problems and our feelings.

The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict. We concen-

trate on recovery and feelings not what we have done in the past. Old

friends, places and ideas are often a threat to our recovery. We need to

change our playmates, playgrounds and playthings.

When we realize that we are not able to manage without drugs, some

of us immediately begin experiencing depression, anxiety, hostility and re-

sentment. Petty frustrations, minor setbacks and loneliness often make us

feel that we are not getting any better. We find that we suffer from a dis-

ease, not a moral dilemma. We were critically ill, not hopelessly bad. Our

disease can only be arrested through abstinence.

Today, we experience a full range of feelings. Before coming into the

Fellowship, we either felt elated or depressed. Our negative sense of self

has been replaced by a positive concern for others. Answers are provided,

and problems are solved. It is a great gift to feel human again.

What a change from the way that we used to be! We know the N.A.

Program works. The program convinced us that we needed to change our-

selves, instead of trying to change the people and situations around us. We

discovered new opportunities. We found a sense of self-worth. We learned

self-respect. This is a program for learning. By working the steps, we come

to accept a Higher Power’s will. Acceptance leads to recovery. We lose our

fear of the unknown. We are set free.

14 Narcotics Anonymous

CHAPTER FOUR

HOW IT WORKS

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it,

then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made

our recovery possible.

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our

lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore

us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care

of God as we understood Him.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the

exact nature of our wrongs.

6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of

character.

7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to

make amends to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except

when to do so would injure

them or others.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong

promptly admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious

contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge

of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried

to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all

our affairs.

How It Works 15

This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t

become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.

There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our

recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual

principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-

mindedness and willingness. With these we are well on our way.

We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely

realistic for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without

parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand

and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within

our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable,

responsible, and productive members of that society.

The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take

that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a

thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that

when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our

addiction all over again.

Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many

addicts to relapse. Before we came to N.A. many of us viewed alcohol

separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug.

We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs

in order to recover.

These are some of the questions we have asked ourselves: Are we sure

we want to stop using? Do we understand that we have no real control

over drugs? Do we recognize that in the long run, we didn’t use drugs—

they used us? Did jails and institutions take over the management of our

lives at different times? Do we fully accept the fact that our every attempt

to stop using or to control our using failed? Do we know that our addic-

tion changed us into someone we didn’t want to be: dishonest, deceitful,

self-willed people at odds with ourselves and our fellow man? Do we re-

ally believe that we have failed as drug users?

When we were using, reality became so painful that oblivion was pref-

erable. We tried to keep other people from knowing about our pain. We

isolated ourselves, and lived in prisons that we built with loneliness.

Through this desperation, we sought help in Narcotics Anonymous. When we

come to N.A. we are physically, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt. We have

hurt so long that we are willing to go to any length to stay clean.

16 Narcotics Anonymous

Our only hope is to live by the example of those who have faced our

dilemma and have found a way out. Regardless of who we are, where we

came from, or what we have done, we are accepted in N.A. Our addiction

gives us a common ground for understanding one another.

As a result of attending a few meetings, we begin to feel like we finally

belong somewhere. It is in these meetings that we are introduced to the

Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. We learn to work the steps in the

order that they are written and to use them on a daily basis. The steps are

our solution. They are our survival kit. They are our defense against ad-

diction which is a deadly disease. Our steps are the principles that make

our recovery possible.

STEP ONE

“We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives

had become unmanageable.”

It doesn’t matter what or how much we used. In Narcotics Anonymous,

staying clean has to come first. We realize that we cannot use drugs and

live. When we admit our powerlessness and our inability to manage our

own lives, we open the door to recovery. No one could convince us that

we were addicts. It is an admission that we have to make for ourselves.

When some of us have doubts, we ask ourselves this question: “Can I con-

trol my use of any form of mind or mood-altering chemicals?”

Most addicts will see that control is impossible the moment it is sug-

gested. Whatever the outcome, we find that we cannot control our using

for any length of time.

This would clearly suggest that an addict has no control over drugs.

Powerlessness means using drugs against our will. If we can’t stop using,

how can we tell ourselves we are in control? The inability to stop using,

even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we

mean when we say, “We have absolutely no choice.” However, we do have

a choice after we stop trying to justify our using.

We didn’t stumble into this Fellowship brimming with love, honesty,

open-mindedness or willingness. We reached a point where we could no

longer continue using because of physical, mental, and spiritual pain. When

we were beaten, we became willing.

How It Works 17

Our inability to control our usage of drugs is a symptom of the disease

of addiction. We are powerless not only over drugs, but over our addic-

tion as well. We need to admit this fact in order to recover. Addiction is a

physical, mental and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives.

The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: the

inability to stop using once we have started. The mental aspect of our dis-

ease is the obsession, or overpowering desire to use, even when we are de-

stroying our lives. The spiritual part of our disease is our total

self-centeredness. We felt that we could stop whenever we wanted to, de-

spite all evidence to the contrary. Denial, substitution, rationalization, jus-

tification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation,

isolation, and loss of control are all results of our disease. Our disease is

progressive, incurable and fatal. Most of us are relieved to find out we have

a disease instead of a moral deficiency.

We are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our

recovery. Most of us tried to stop using on our own, but we were unable

to live with or without drugs. Eventually we realized that we were power-

less over our addiction.

Many of us tried to stop using on sheer willpower. This action was a

temporary solution. We saw that willpower alone would not work for any

length of time. We tried countless other remedies—psychiatrists, hospitals,

recovery houses, lovers, new towns, new jobs. Everything that we tried,

failed. We began to see that we had rationalized the most outrageous sort of

nonsense to justify the mess that we made of our lives with drugs.

Until we let go of our reservations, no matter what they are, the foun-

dation of our recovery is in danger. Reservations rob us of the benefits that

this program has to offer. In ridding ourselves of all reservations, we sur-

render. Then, and only then, can we be helped to recover from the disease

of addiction.

Now, the question is: “If we are powerless, how can Narcotics Anony-

mous help?” We begin by asking for help. The foundation of our program

is the admission that we, of ourselves, do not have power over addiction.

When we can accept this fact, we have completed the first part of Step One.

A second admission must be made before our foundation is complete.

If we stop here, we will know only half the truth. We are great ones for

manipulating the truth. We say on one hand, “Yes, I am powerless over

my addiction,” and on the other hand, “When I get my life together, I can

handle drugs.” Such thoughts and actions led us back to active addiction.

18 Narcotics Anonymous

It never occurred to us to ask, “If we can’t control our addiction, how can

we control our lives?” We felt miserable without drugs, and our lives were

unmanageable.

Unemployability, dereliction and destruction are easily seen as charac-

teristics of an unmanageable life. Our families generally are disappointed,

baffled and confused by our actions and often desert or disown us. Becom-

ing employed, socially acceptable and reunited with our families does not

make our lives manageable. Social acceptability does not equal recovery.

We have found that we had no choice except to completely change our

old ways of thinking or go back to using. When we give our best, it works

for us as it has worked for others. When we could no longer stand our old

ways, we began to change. From that point forward, we began to see that

every clean day is a successful day, no matter what happens. Surrender

means not having to fight anymore. We accept our addiction and life the

way it is. We become willing to do whatever is necessary to stay clean, even

the things we don’t like doing.

Until we took Step One, we were full of fear and doubt. At this point,

many of us felt lost and confused. We felt different. Upon working this

step, we affirmed our surrender to the principles of N.A. Only after sur-

render are we able to overcome the alienation of addiction. Help for ad-

dicts begins only when we are able to admit complete defeat. This can be

frightening, but it is the foundation on which we built our lives.

Step One means that we do not have to use, and this is a great free-

dom. It took a while for some of us to realize that our lives had become

unmanageable. For others, the unmanageability of their lives was the only

thing that was clear. We knew in our hearts that drugs had the power to

change us into someone that we didn’t want to be.

Being clean and working this step, we are released from our chains.

However, none of the steps work by magic. We do not just say the words

of this step; we learn to live them. We see for ourselves that the program

has something to offer us.

We have found hope. We can learn to function in the world in which

we live. We can find meaning and purpose in life and be rescued from in-

sanity, depravity and death.

When we admit our powerlessness and inability to manage our own

lives, we open the door for a Power greater than ourselves to help us. It is

not where we were that counts, but where we are going.

How It Works 19

STEP TWO

“We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us

to sanity.”

The Second Step is necessary if we expect to achieve ongoing recovery. The

First Step leaves us with a need to believe in something that can help us

with our powerlessness, uselessness, and helplessness.

The First Step has left a vacuum in our lives. We need to find some-

thing to fill that void. This is the purpose of the Second Step.

Some of us didn’t take this step seriously at first; we passed over it with

a minimum of concern, only to find the next steps would not work until

we worked Step Two. Even when we admitted that we needed help with

our drug problem, many of us would not admit to the need for faith and

sanity.

We have a disease: progressive, incurable and fatal. One way or an-

other we went out and bought our destruction on the time payment plan!

All of us, from the junkie snatching purses to the sweet little old lady hit-

ting two or three doctors for legal prescriptions, have one thing in common:

we seek our destruction a bag at a time, a few pills at a time, or a bottle at a

time until we die. This is at least part of the insanity of addiction. The price

may seem higher for the addict who prostitutes for a fix than it is for the

addict who merely lies to a doctor. Ultimately both pay for their disease

with their lives. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting dif-

ferent results.

Many of us realize when we get to the program that we have gone back

time and again to using, even though we knew that we were destroying

our lives. Insanity is using drugs day after day knowing that only physi-

cal and mental destruction comes when we use. The most obvious insan-

ity of the disease of addiction is the obsession to use drugs.

Ask yourself this question, Do I believe it would be insane to walk up

to someone and say, “May I please have a heart attack or a fatal accident?”

If you can agree that this would be an insane thing, you should have no

problem with the Second Step.

In this program, the first thing we do is stop using drugs. At this point,

we begin to feel the pain of living without drugs or anything to replace them.

The pain forces us to seek a Power greater than ourselves that can relieve

our obsession to use.

20 Narcotics Anonymous

The process of coming to believe is similar for most addicts. Most of

us lacked a working relationship with a Higher Power. We begin to de-

velop this relationship by simply admitting to the possibility of a Power

greater than ourselves. Most of us have no trouble admitting that addic-

tion had become a destructive force in our lives. Our best efforts resulted

in ever greater destruction and despair. At some point, we realized that we

needed the help of some Power greater than our addiction. Our understand-

ing of a Higher Power is up to us. No one is going to decide for us. We

can call it the group, the program, or we can call it God. The only sug-

gested guidelines are that this Power be loving, caring and greater than our-

selves. We don’t have to be religious to accept this idea. The point is that

we open our minds to believe. We may have difficulty with this, but by

keeping an open mind, sooner or later, we find the help we need.

We talked and listened to others. We saw other people recovering, and

they told us what was working for them. We began to see evidence of some

Power that could not be fully explained. Confronted with this evidence,

we began to accept the existence of a Power greater than ourselves. We can

use this Power long before we understand it.

As we see coincidences and miracles happening in our lives, acceptance

becomes trust. We grow to feel comfortable with our Higher Power as a

source of strength. As we learn to trust this Power, we begin to overcome

our fear of life.

The process of coming to believe restores us to sanity. The strength

to move into action comes from this belief. We need to accept this step to

start on the road to recovery. When our belief has grown, we are ready for

Step Three.

STEP THREE

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of

God as we understood Him.”

As addicts, we turned our will and our lives over many times to a destruc-

tive power. Our will and our lives were controlled by drugs. We were

trapped by our need for instant gratification that drugs gave us. During

that time, our total being—body, mind and spirit—was dominated by drugs.

For a time, it was pleasurable, then the euphoria began to wear off and we

saw the ugly side of addiction. We found that the higher our drugs took

How It Works 21

us, the lower they brought us. We faced two choices: either we suffered

the pain of withdrawal or took more drugs.

For all of us, the day came when there was no longer a choice; we had

to use. Having given our will and lives to our addiction, in utter despera-

tion, we looked for another way. In Narcotics Anonymous, we decide to

turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

This is a giant step. We don’t have to be religious; anyone can take this

step. All that is required is willingness. All that is essential is that we open

the door to a Power greater than ourselves.

Our concept of God comes not from dogma but from what we believe

and from what works for us. Many of us understand God to be simply

whatever force keeps us clean. The right to a God of your understanding

is total and without any catches. Because we have this right, it is necessary

to be honest about our belief if we are to grow spiritually.

We found that all we needed to do was try. When we gave our best

effort, the program worked for us as it has worked for countless others. The

Third Step does not say, “We turned our will and our lives over to the

care of God.” It says, “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to

the care of God as we understood Him.” We made the decision; it was not

made for us by the drugs, our families, a probation officer, judge, therapist

or doctor. We made it! For the first time since that first high, we have made

a decision for ourselves.

The word decision implies action. This decision is based on faith. We

have only to believe that the miracle that we see working in the lives

of clean addicts can happen to any addict with the desire to change. We

simply realize there is a force for spiritual growth that can help us become

more tolerant, patient, and useful in helping others. Many of us have said,

“Take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery. Show me how to

live.” The relief of “letting go and letting God” helps us develop a life that

is worth living.

Surrendering to the will of our Higher Power gets easier with daily prac-

tice. When we honestly try, it works. Many of us start our day with a simple

request for guidance from our Higher Power.

Although we know that “turning it over” works, we may still take our

will and life back. We may even get angry because God permits it. At times

during our recovery, the decision to ask for God’s help is our greatest source

of strength and courage. We cannot make this decision often enough. We

surrender quietly, and let the God of our understanding take care of us.

22 Narcotics Anonymous

At first, our heads reeled with the questions: “What will happen when

I turn my life over? Will I be become `perfect’?” We may have been more

realistic than this. Some of us had to turn to an experienced N.A. member

and ask, “What was it like for you?” The answer will vary from member

to member. Most of us feel open-mindedness, willingness and surrender

are the keys to this step.

We have surrendered our will and our lives to the care of a Power greater

than ourselves. If we are thorough and sincere, we will notice a change for

the better. Our fears are lessened, and faith begins to grow as we learn the

true meaning of surrender. We are no longer fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-

pity or depression. We realize that the Power that brought us to this pro-

gram is still with us and will continue to guide us if we allow It. We are

slowly beginning to lose the paralyzing fear of hopelessness. The proof of

this step is shown in the way we live.

We have come to enjoy living clean and want more of the good things

that the N.A. Fellowship holds for us. We know now that we cannot pause

in our spiritual program; we want all that we can get.

We are now ready for our first honest self-appraisal, and we begin with

Step Four.

STEP FOUR

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

The purpose of a searching and fearless moral inventory is to sort through

the confusion and the contradiction of our lives, so that we can find out

who we really are. We are starting a new way of life and need to be rid of

the burdens and traps that controlled us and prevented our growth.

As we approach this step, most of us are afraid that there is a monster

inside of us that, if released, will destroy us. This fear can cause us to put

off our inventory or may even prevent us from taking this crucial step at

all. We have found that fear is a lack of faith, and we have found a loving,

personal God to whom we can turn. We no longer need to be afraid.

We have been experts at self-deception and rationalization. By writing

our inventory, we can overcome these obstacles. A written inventory will

unlock parts of our subconscious that remain hidden when we simply think

about or talk about who we are. Once it is all down on paper, it is much

easier to see, and much harder to deny our true nature. Honest self-assess-

ment is one of the keys to our new way of life.

How It Works 23

Let’s face it; when we were using, we were not honest with ourselves.

We are becoming honest with ourselves when we admit that addiction has

defeated us and that we need help. It took a long time to admit that we

were beaten. We found that we do not recover physically, mentally or spiri-

tually overnight. Step Four will help us toward our recovery. Most of us

find that we were neither as terrible, nor as wonderful, as we supposed.

We are surprised to find that we have good points in our inventory. Any-

one who has some time in the program and has worked this step will tell

you that the Fourth Step was a turning point in their life.

Some of us make the mistake of approaching the Fourth Step as if it

were a confession of how horrible we are—what a bad person we have been.

In this new way of life, a binge of emotional sorrow can be dangerous. This

is not the purpose of the Fourth Step. We are trying to free ourselves of

living in old, useless patterns. We take the Fourth Step to grow and to gain

strength and insight. We may approach the Fourth Step in a number of ways.

To have the faith and courage to write a fearless inventory, Steps One,

Two and Three are the necessary preparation. It is advisable that before

we start, we go over the first three steps with a sponsor. We get comfort-

able with our understanding of these steps. We allow ourselves the privi-

lege of feeling good about what we are doing. We have been thrashing about

for a long time and have gotten nowhere. Now we start the Fourth Step and

let go of fear. We simply put it on paper, to the best of our present ability.

We must be done with the past, not cling to it. We want to look our

past in the face, see it for what it really was and release it so we can live

today. The past, for most of us, has been a ghost in the closet. We have

been afraid to open that closet for fear of what that ghost may do to us.

We do not have to look at the past alone. Our wills and our lives are now

in the hands of our Higher Power.

Writing a thorough and honest inventory seemed impossible. It was,

as long as we were operating under our own power. We take a few quiet

moments before writing and ask for the strength to be fearless and thorough.

In Step Four, we begin to get in touch with ourselves. We write about

our liabilities such as guilt, shame, remorse, self-pity, resentment, anger,

depression, frustration, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, betrayal, hopelessness,

failure, fear and denial.

We write about the things that bother us here and now. We have a ten-

dency to think negatively, so putting it on paper gives us a chance to look

more positively at what is happening.

24 Narcotics Anonymous

Assets must also be considered, if we are to get an accurate and com-

plete picture of ourselves. This is very difficult for most of us, because it is

hard to accept that we have good qualities. However, we all have assets,

many of them newly found in the program, such as being clean, open-

mindedness, God-awareness, honesty with others, acceptance, positive ac-

tion, sharing, willingness, courage, faith, caring, gratitude, kindness and

generosity. Also, our inventories usually include material on relationships.

We review our past performance and our present behavior to see what

we want to keep and what we want to discard. No one is forcing us to

give up our misery. This step has the reputation of being difficult; in real-

ity, it is quite simple.

We write our inventory without considering the Fifth Step. We work

Step Four as if there were no Step Five. We can write alone or near other

people; whatever is more comfortable to the writer is fine. We can write

as long or as short as needed. Someone with experience can help. The im-

portant thing is to write a moral inventory. If the word moral bothers us,

we may call it a positive/negative inventory.

The way to write an inventory is to write it! Thinking about an inven-

tory, talking about it, theorizing about the inventory will not get it written.

We sit down with a notebook, ask for guidance, pick up our pen and start

writing. Anything we think about is inventory material. When we realize

how little we have to lose, and how much we have to gain, we begin this step.

A basic rule of thumb is that we can write too little, yet we can never

write too much. The inventory will fit the individual. Perhaps this seems

difficult or painful. It may appear impossible. We may fear that being in

touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain

and panic. We may feel like avoiding an inventory because of a fear of fail-

ure. When we ignore our feelings, the tension becomes too much for us.

The fear of impending doom is so great that it overrides our fear of failure.

An inventory becomes a relief, because the pain of doing it is less than

the pain of not doing it. We learn that pain can be a motivating factor in

recovery. Thus, facing it becomes unavoidable. Every topic of step meet-

ings seems to be on the Fourth Step or doing a daily inventory. Through

the inventory process, we are able to deal with all the things that can build

up. The more we live our program, the more God seems to put us in posi-

tions where issues surface. When issues surface, we write about them. We

begin enjoying our recovery, because we have a way to resolve shame, guilt,

or resentment.

How It Works 25

The stress once trapped inside of us is released. Writing will lift the lid

off of our pressure cooker. We decide whether we want to serve it up, put

the lid back on it, or throw it out. We no longer have to stew in it.

We sit down with paper and pen and ask for our God’s help in reveal-

ing the defects that are causing pain and suffering. We pray for the cour-

age to be fearless and thorough and that this inventory may help us to put

our lives in order. When we pray and take action, it always goes better for us.

We are not going to be perfect. If we were perfect, we would not be

human. The important thing is that we do our best. We use the tools avail-

able to us, and we develop the ability to survive our emotions. We do not

want to lose any of what we have gained; we want to continue in the pro-

gram. It is our experience that no matter how searching and thorough, no

inventory is of any lasting effect unless it is promptly followed by an equally

thorough Fifth Step.

STEP FIVE

“We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact

nature of our wrongs.”

The Fifth Step is the key to freedom. It allows us to live clean in the present.

Sharing the exact nature of our wrongs sets us free to live. After taking a

thorough Fourth Step, we deal with the contents of our inventory. We are

told that if we keep these defects inside us, they will lead us back to using.

Holding on to our past would eventually sicken us and keep us from tak-

ing part in our new way of life. If we are not honest when we take a Fifth

Step, we will have the same negative results that dishonesty brought us in

the past.

Step Five suggests that we admit to God, to ourselves, and to another

human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We looked at our wrongs,

examined our behavior patterns, and started to see the deeper aspects of our

disease. Now we sit with another person and share our inventory out loud.

Our Higher Power will be with us during our Fifth Step. We will re-

ceive help and be free to face ourselves and another human being. It seemed

unnecessary to admit the exact nature of our wrongs to our Higher Power.

“God already knows that stuff,” we rationalized. Although He already

knows, the admission must come from our own lips to be truly effective.

Step Five is not simply a reading of Step Four.

26 Narcotics Anonymous

For years, we avoided seeing ourselves as we really were. We were

ashamed of ourselves and felt isolated from the rest of the world. Now that

we have the shameful part of our past trapped, we can sweep it out of our

lives if we face and admit it. It would be tragic to write it all down and

then shove it in a drawer. These defects grow in the dark, and die in the

light of exposure.

Before coming to Narcotics Anonymous, we felt that no one could un-

derstand the things that we had done. We feared that if we ever revealed

ourselves as we were, we would surely be rejected. Most addicts are un-

comfortable about this. We recognize that we have been unrealistic in feel-

ing this way. Our fellow members do understand us.

We must carefully choose the person who is to hear our Fifth Step. We

must make sure that they know what we are doing and why we are doing

it. Although there is no hard rule about the person of our choice, it is im-

portant that we trust the person. Only complete confidence in the person’s

integrity and discretion can make us willing to be thorough in this step.

Some of us take our Fifth Step with a total stranger, although some of us

feel more comfortable choosing a member of Narcotics Anonymous. We

know that another addict would be less likely to judge us with malice or

misunderstanding.

Once we make a choice and are actually alone with that person, we pro-

ceed with their encouragement. We want to be definite, honest and thor-

ough, realizing that this is a life and death matter.

Some of us tried to hide part of our past in an attempt to find an easier

way of dealing with our inner feelings. We may think that we have done

enough by writing about our past. We cannot afford this mistake. This step

will expose our motives and our actions. We cannot expect these things to

reveal themselves. Our embarrassment is eventually overcome, and we can

avoid future guilt.

We do not procrastinate. We must be exact. We want to tell the simple

truth, cut and dried, as quickly as possible. There is always a danger that

we will exaggerate our wrongs. It is equally dangerous to minimize or ratio-

nalize our part in past situations. After all, we still want to sound good.

Addicts tend to live secret lives. For many years, we covered low self-

esteem by hiding behind phony images that we hoped would fool people.

Unfortunately, we fooled ourselves more than anyone. Although we often

appeared attractive and confident on the outside, we were really hiding a

shaky, insecure person on the inside. The masks have to go. We share our

How It Works 27

inventory as it is written, skipping nothing. We continue to approach this

step with honesty and thoroughness until we finish. It is a great relief to

get rid of all our secrets and to share the burden of our past.

Usually, as we share this step, the listener will share some of his or her

story too. We find that we are not unique. We see, by the acceptance of

our confidant, that we can be accepted just the way we are.

We may never be able to remember all of our past mistakes. We do,

however, give it our best and most complete effort. We begin to experience

real personal feelings of a spiritual nature. Where once we had spiritual

theories, we now begin to awaken to spiritual reality. This initial examina-

tion of ourselves usually reveals some behavior patterns that we don’t par-

ticularly like. However, facing these patterns and bringing them out in the

open makes it possible for us to deal with them constructively. We cannot

make these changes alone. We will need the help of God, as we understand

Him, and the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

STEP SIX

“We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of

character.”

Why ask for something before we are ready for it? This would be asking

for trouble. So many times addicts have sought the rewards of hard work

without the labor. Willingness is what we strive for in Step Six. How sin-

cerely we work this step will be proportionate to our desire for change.

Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear?

Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there

is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace

what we know than to let go of it for the unknown.

Letting go of character defects should be done decisively. We suffer be-

cause their demands weaken us. Where we were proud, we now find that

we cannot get away with arrogance. If we are not humble, we are humili-

ated. If we are greedy, we find that we are never satisfied. Before taking

Steps Four and Five, we could indulge in fear, anger, dishonesty or self-pity.

Now indulgence in these character defects clouds our ability to think logically.

Selfishness becomes an intolerable, destructive chain that ties us to our bad hab-

its. Our defects drain us of all our time and energy.

28 Narcotics Anonymous

We examine the Fourth Step inventory and get a good look at what these

defects are doing to our lives. We begin to long for freedom from these de-

fects. We pray or otherwise become willing, ready and able to let God re-

move these destructive traits. We need a personality change, if we are to

stay clean. We want to change.

We should approach old defects with an open mind. We are aware of

them and yet we still make the same mistakes and are unable to break the

bad habits. We look to the Fellowship for the kind of life that we want for

ourselves. We ask our friends, “Did you let go?” Almost without excep-

tion the answer is, “Yes, to the best of my ability.” When we see how our

defects exist in our lives and accept them, we can let go of them and get on

with our new life. We learn that we are growing when we make new mis-

takes instead of repeating old ones.

When we are working Step Six, it is important to remember that we are

human and should not place unrealistic expectations on ourselves. This is

a step of willingness. Willingness is the spiritual principle of Step Six. Step

Six helps us move in a spiritual direction. Being human we will wander

off course.

Rebellion is a character defect that spoils us here. We need not lose faith

when we become rebellious. Rebellion can produce indifference or intoler-

ance which can be overcome by persistent effort. We keep asking for will-

ingness. We may be doubtful that God will see fit to relieve us or that

something will go wrong. We ask another member who says, “You’re right

where you’re supposed to be.” We renew our readiness to have our de-

fects removed. We surrender to the simple suggestions that the program

offers us. Even though we are not entirely ready, we are headed in the right

direction.

Eventually faith, humility and acceptance replace pride and rebellion.

We come to know ourselves. We find ourselves growing into mature con-

sciousness. We begin to feel better, as willingness grows into hope. Per-

haps for the first time, we see a vision of our new life. With this in sight,

we put our willingness into action by moving on to Step Seven.

How It Works 29

STEP SEVEN

“We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Character defects or shortcomings are those things that cause pain and mis-

ery all of our lives. If they contributed to our health and happiness, we

would not have come to such a state of desperation. We had to become

ready to have God, as we understood Him, remove these defects.

Having decided that we want God to relieve us of the useless or de-

structive aspects of our personalities, we have arrived at the Seventh Step.

We couldn’t handle the ordeal of life all by ourselves. It wasn’t until we

made a real mess of our lives that we realized we couldn’t do it alone. By

admitting this, we achieved a glimpse of humility. This is the main ingre-

dient of Step Seven. Humility is a result of getting honest with ourselves.

We have practiced being honest since Step One. We accepted our addic-

tion and powerlessness. We found a strength beyond ourselves and learned

to rely on it. We examined our lives and discovered who we really are. To

be truly humble is to accept and honestly try to be ourselves. None of us

is perfectly good or perfectly bad. We are people who have assets and li-

abilities. Most importantly, we are human.

Humility is as much a part of staying clean as food and water are to

staying alive. As our addiction progressed, we devoted our energy toward

satisfying our material desires. All other needs were beyond our reach. We

always wanted gratification of our basic desires.

The Seventh Step is an action step, and it is time to ask God for help

and relief. We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only

way; other people can give us direction. When someone points out a short-

coming, our first reaction may be defensive. We must realize that we are

not perfect. There will always be room for growth. If we truly want to be

free, we will take a good look at input from fellow addicts. If the short-

comings we discover are real, and we have a chance to be rid of them, we

will surely experience a sense of well-being.

Some will want to get on their knees for this step. Some will be very

quiet, and others will put forth a great emotional effort to show intense will-

ingness. The word humble applies because we approach this Power greater

than ourselves to ask for the freedom to live without the limitations of our

past ways. Many of us are willing to work this step without reservations,

on pure blind faith, because we are sick of what we have been doing and

how we are feeling. Whatever works, we go all the way.

30 Narcotics Anonymous

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day. We gradu-

ally and carefully pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of ad-

diction and into the mainstream of life. This growth is not the result of

wishing, but of action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to

get out of ourselves and strive to achieve the will of our Higher Power.

If we are careless and fail to grasp the spiritual meaning of this step,

we may have difficulties and stir up old troubles. One danger is in being

too hard on ourselves.

Sharing with other recovering addicts will help us to avoid becoming

morbidly serious about ourselves. Accepting the defects of others can help

us become humble and pave the way for our own defects to be relieved.

God often works through those who care enough about recovery to help

make us aware of our shortcomings.

We have noticed that humility plays a big part in this program and our

new way of life. We take our inventory; we become ready to let God re-

move our defects of character; we humbly ask Him to remove our short-

comings. This is our road to spiritual growth, and we will want to continue.

We are ready for Step Eight.

STEP EIGHT

“We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to

make amends to them all.”

Step Eight is the test of our newfound humility. Our purpose is to achieve

freedom from the guilt that we have carried. We want to look the world in

the eye with neither aggressiveness nor fear.

Are we willing to make a list of all persons we had harmed to clear away

the fear and guilt that our past holds for us? Our experience tells us that

we must become willing before this step will have any effect.

The Eighth Step is not easy; it demands a new kind of honesty about

our relations with other people. The Eighth Step starts the process of for-

giveness: We forgive others; possibly we are forgiven; and finally we for-

give ourselves and learn how to live in the world. By the time we reach

this step, we have become ready to understand rather than to be understood.

We can live and let live easier when we know the areas in which we owe

amends. It seems hard now, but once we have done it, we will wonder why

we did not do it long ago.

How It Works 31

We need some real honesty before we can make an accurate list. In pre-

paring to make the Eighth Step list, it is helpful to define harm. One defi-

nition of harm is physical or mental damage. Another definition of harm

is inflicting pain, suffering or loss. The damage may be caused by some-

thing that is said, done or left undone. Harm can result from words or ac-

tions, either intentional or unintentional. The degree of harm can range from

making someone feel mentally uncomfortable to inflicting bodily injury or

even death.

The Eighth Step presents us with a problem. Many of us have diffi-

culty admitting that we caused harm for others, because we thought we

were victims of our addiction. Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the

Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did to

others. We cut away our justifications and our ideas of being a victim. We

often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last,

if at all. This step is doing the legwork to repair the wreckage of our lives.

It will not make us better people to judge the faults of another. It will

make us feel better to clean up our lives by relieving ourselves of guilt. By

writing our list, we can no longer deny that we caused harm. We admit

that we hurt others, directly or indirectly, through some action, lie, broken

promise or neglect.

We make our list, or take it from our Fourth Step, and add additional

people as we think of them. We face this list honestly, and openly examine

our faults so we can become willing to make amends.

In some cases, we may not know the persons that we have wronged. While

using, anyone that we contacted was at risk. Many members mention their

parents, spouses, children, friends, lovers, other addicts, casual acquaintances,

co-workers, employers, teachers, landlords and total strangers. We may also

place ourselves on the list, because while practicing our addiction, we have

slowly been killing ourselves. We may find it beneficial to make a separate list

of people to whom we owe financial amends.

As with each step, we must be thorough. Most of us fall short of our

goals more often than we exceed them. At the same time, we cannot put

off completion of this step just because we are not sure that our list is com-

plete. We are never finished.

The final difficulty in working the Eighth Step is separating it from the

Ninth Step. Projections about actually making amends can be a major ob-

stacle both in making the list and in becoming willing. We do this step as

if there were no Ninth Step. We do not even think about making the amends

32 Narcotics Anonymous

but just concentrate on exactly what the Eighth Step says: make a list and

become willing. The main thing this step does for us is to help build aware-

ness that, little by little, we are gaining new attitudes about ourselves and

how we deal with other people.

Listening carefully to other members share their experience regarding

this step can relieve any confusion that we may have about writing our list.

Also, our sponsors may share with us how Step Eight worked for them.

Asking a question during a meeting can give us the benefit of group con-

science.

The Eighth Step offers a big change from a life dominated by guilt and

remorse. Our futures are changed, because we don’t have to avoid those

who we have harmed. As a result of this step, we receive a new freedom

that can end isolation. As we realize our need to be forgiven, we tend to be

more forgiving. At least, we know that we are no longer intentionally mak-

ing life miserable for people.

The Eighth Step is an action step. Like all the steps, it offers immediate

benefits. We are now free to begin our amends in Step Nine.

STEP NINE

“We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when

to do so would injure them or others.”

This step should not be avoided. If we do, we are reserving a place in our

program for relapse. Pride, fear and procrastination often seem an impos-

sible barrier; they stand in the way of progress and growth. The impor-

tant thing is to take action and to be ready to accept the reactions of those

persons we have harmed. We make amends to the best of our ability.

Timing is an essential part of this step. We should make amends when

the opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will cause more harm.

Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor prac-

tical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We find that willing-

ness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person

that we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone be-

cause of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.

We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the ex-

pense of anyone else. We might run the risk of involving a third person or

some companion from our using days who does not wish to be exposed.

How It Works 33

We do not have the right or the need to endanger another person. It is of-

ten necessary to take guidance from others in these matters.

We recommend turning our legal problems over to lawyers and our fi-

nancial or medical problems to professionals. Part of learning how to live

successfully is learning when we need help.

In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do

our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step

away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many in-

stances, we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding

of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when old friends

or relatives prove willing to let go of their bitterness. Contacting someone

who is still hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indi-

rect amends may be necessary where direct ones would be unsafe or en-

danger other people. We make our amends to the best of our ability. We

try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves.

Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past.

We accept that it was our actions that caused our negative attitude. Step

Nine helps us with our guilt and helps others with their anger. Sometimes,

the only amend we can make is to stay clean. We owe it to ourselves and

to our loved ones. We are no longer making a mess in society as a result of

our using. Sometimes the only way we can make amends is to contribute

to society. Now, we are helping ourselves and other addicts to recover. This

is a tremendous amend to the whole community.

In the process of our recovery, we are restored to sanity and part of sanity

is effectively relating to others. We less often view people as a threat to our

security. Real security will replace the physical ache and mental confusion

that we have experienced in the past. We approach those we have harmed

with humility and patience. Many of our sincere well-wishers may be re-

luctant to accept our recovery as real. We must remember the pain that they

have known. In time, many miracles will occur. Many of us who were sepa-

rated from our families succeed in establishing relationships with them.

Eventually it becomes easier for them to accept the change in us. Clean time

speaks for itself. Patience is an important part of our recovery. The uncon-

ditional love we experience will rejuvenate our will to live, and each posi-

tive move on our part will be matched by an unexpected opportunity. A

lot of courage and faith goes into making an amend, and a lot of spiritual

growth results.

34 Narcotics Anonymous

We are achieving freedom from the wreckage of our past. We will want

to keep our house in order by practicing a continuous personal inventory

in Step Ten.

STEP TEN

“We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong

promptly admitted it.”

Step Ten frees us from the wreckage of our present. If we do not stay aware

of our defects, they can drive us into a corner that we can’t get out of clean.

One of the first things we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that if we

use, we lose. By the same token, we won’t experience as much pain if we

can avoid the things that cause us pain. Continuing to take a personal in-

ventory means that we form a habit of looking at ourselves, our actions,

attitudes and relationships on a regular basis.

We are creatures of habit and are vulnerable to our old ways of think-

ing and reacting. At times it seems easier to continue in the old rut of self-

destruction than to attempt a new and seemingly dangerous route. We don’t

have to be trapped by our old patterns. Today, we have a choice.

The Tenth Step can help us correct our living problems and prevent their

recurrence. We examine our actions during the day. Some of us write about

our feelings, explaining how we felt and what part we might have played

in any problems which occurred. Did we cause someone harm? Do we

need to admit that we were wrong? If we find difficulties, we make an ef-

fort to take care of them. When these things are left undone, they have a

way of festering.

This step can be a defense against the old insanity. We can ask ourselves

if we are being drawn into old patterns of anger, resentment or fear. Do

we feel trapped? Are we setting ourselves up for trouble? Are we too hun-

gry, angry, lonely or tired? Are we taking ourselves too seriously? Are we

judging our insides by the outside appearances of others? Do we suffer from

some physical problem? The answers to these questions can help us deal

with the difficulties of the moment. We no longer have to live with the feel-

ing that we have a “hole in the gut.” A lot of our chief concerns and major

difficulties come from our inexperience with living without drugs. Often

when we ask an oldtimer what to do, we are amazed at the simplicity of

the answer.

How It Works 35

The Tenth Step can be a pressure relief valve. We work this step while

the day’s ups and downs are still fresh in our minds. We list what we have

done and try not to rationalize our actions. This may be done in writing at

the end of the day. The first thing we do is stop! Then we take the time to

allow ourselves the privilege of thinking. We examine our actions, reac-

tions, and motives. We often find that we’ve been doing better than we’ve

been feeling. This allows us to examine our actions and admit fault, before

things get any worse. We need to avoid rationalizing. We promptly admit

our faults, not explain them.

We work this step continuously. This is a preventive action. The more

we work this step the less we will need the corrective part of this step. This

step is a great tool for avoiding grief before we bring it on ourselves. We

monitor our feelings, emotions, fantasies and actions. By constantly looking

at ourselves, we are able to avoid repeating the actions that make us feel bad.

We need this step even when we’re feeling good and when things are

going well. Good feelings are new to us, and we need to nurture them. In

times of trouble, we can try the things that worked during the good times.

We have the right to feel good. We have a choice. The good times can also

be a trap; the danger is that we may forget that our first priority is to stay

clean. For us, recovery is more than just pleasure.

We need to remember that everyone makes mistakes. We will never be

perfect. However, we can accept ourselves by using Step Ten. By continu-

ing a personal inventory, we are set free, in the here and now, from our-

selves and the past. We no longer justify our existence. This step allows

us to be ourselves.

STEP ELEVEN

“We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious

contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge

of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

The first ten steps have set the stage for us to improve our conscious con-

tact with the God of our understanding. They give us the foundation to

achieve our long-sought, positive goals. Having entered this phase of our

spiritual program through practicing the previous ten steps, most of us wel-

come the exercise of prayer and meditation. Our spiritual condition is the

basis for a successful recovery that offers unlimited growth.

36 Narcotics Anonymous

Many of us really begin to appreciate our recovery when we get to the

Eleventh Step. In the Eleventh Step, our lives take on a deeper meaning.

By surrendering control, we gain a far greater power.

The nature of our belief will determine the manner of our prayers and

meditations. We need only make sure that we have a system of belief that

works for us. Results count in recovery. As has been noted elsewhere, our

prayers seemed to work as soon as we entered the Program of Narcotics

Anonymous and we surrendered to our disease. The conscious contact de-

scribed in this step is the direct result of living the steps. We use this step

to improve and maintain our spiritual condition.

When we first came into the program, we received help from a Power

greater than ourselves. This was set in motion by our surrender to the pro-

gram. The purpose of the Eleventh Step is to increase our awareness of that

Power and to improve our ability to use it as a source of strength in our

new lives.

The more we improve our conscious contact with our God through

prayer and meditation, the easier it is to say, “Your will, not mine, be done.”

We can ask for God’s help when we need it, and our lives get better. The

experiences that some people talk about regarding meditation and indi-

vidual religious beliefs don’t always apply to us. Ours is a spiritual, not a

religious program. By the time we get to the Eleventh Step, character de-

fects that caused problems in the past have been addressed by working the

preceding ten steps. The image of the kind of person that we would like

to be is a fleeting glimpse of God’s will for us. Often our outlook is so lim-

ited that we can only see our immediate wants and needs.

It is easy to slip back into our old ways. To ensure our continued growth

and recovery, we have to learn to maintain our lives on a spiritually sound

basis. God will not force His goodness on us, but we will receive it if we

ask. We usually feel something is different in the moment, but don’t see

the change in our lives till later. When we finally get our own selfish mo-

tives out of the way, we begin to find a peace that we never imagined pos-

sible. Enforced morality lacks the power that comes to us when we choose

to live a spiritual life. Most of us pray when we are hurting. We learn that

if we pray regularly we won’t be hurting as often, or as intensely.

Outside of Narcotics Anonymous, there are any number of different

groups practicing meditation. Nearly all of these groups are connected with

a particular religion or philosophy. An endorsement of any one of these

methods would be a violation of our traditions and a restriction on the

How It Works 37

individual’s right to have a God of his understanding. Meditation allows

us to develop spiritually in our own way. Some of the things that didn’t

work for us in the past, might work today. We take a fresh look at each

day with an open mind. We know that if we pray for God’s will, we will

receive what is best for us, regardless of what we think. This knowledge is

based on our belief and experience as recovering addicts.

Prayer is communicating our concerns to a Power greater than our-

selves. Sometimes when we pray, a remarkable thing happens; we find

the means, ways and energies to perform tasks far beyond our capacities.

We grasp the limitless strength provided for us through our daily prayer

and surrender, as long as we keep faith and renew it.

For some, prayer is asking for God’s help; meditation is listening for

God’s answer. We learn to be careful of praying for specific things. We pray

that God will show us His will, and that He will help us carry that out. In

some cases, he makes His will so obvious to us that we have little difficulty

seeing it. In others, our egos are so self-centered that we won’t accept God’s

will for us without another struggle and surrender. If we pray for God to

remove any distracting influences, the quality of our prayers usually im-

proves and we feel the difference. Prayer takes practice, and we should re-

mind ourselves that skilled people were not born with their skills. It took

lots of effort on their part to develop them. Through prayer, we seek con-

scious contact with our God. In meditation, we achieve this contact, and

the Eleventh Step helps us to maintain it.

We may have been exposed to many religions and meditative disciplines

before coming to Narcotics Anonymous. Some of us were devastated and

completely confused by these practices. We were sure that it was God’s will

for us to use drugs to reach higher consciousness. Many of us found our-

selves in very strange states as a result of these practices. We never sus-

pected the damaging effects of our addiction as the root of our difficulty

and pursued to the end whatever path offered hope.

In quiet moments of meditation, God’s will can become evident to us.

Quieting the mind through meditation brings an inner peace that brings us

into contact with the God within us. A basic premise of meditation is that

it is difficult, if not impossible, to obtain conscious contact unless our mind

is still. The usual, never-ending succession of thoughts has to cease for

progress to be made. So our preliminary practice is aimed at stilling the mind,

and letting the thoughts that arise die a natural death. We leave our thoughts

behind as the meditation part of the Eleventh Step becomes a reality for us.

38 Narcotics Anonymous

Emotional balance is one of the first results of meditation, and our ex-

perience bears this out. Some of us came into the program broken, and hung

around for awhile, only to find God or salvation in one kind of religious

cult or another. It is easy to float back out the door on a cloud of religious

zeal and forget that we are addicts with an incurable disease.

It is said that for meditation to be of value, the results must show in

our daily lives. This fact is implicit in the Eleventh Step: “. . . His will for

us and the power to carry it out.” For those of us who do not pray, medita-

tion is our only way of working this step.

We find ourselves praying, because it brings us peace and restores our

confidence and courage. It helps us to live a life that is free of fear and dis-

trust. When we remove our selfish motives and pray for guidance, we find

feelings of peace and serenity. We begin to experience an awareness and

an empathy with other people that was not possible before working this step.

As we seek our personal contact with God, we begin to open up as a

flower in the sun. We begin to see that God’s love has been present all the

time, just waiting for us to accept it. We do the footwork and accept what’s

being given to us freely on a daily basis. We find relying on God becomes

more comfortable for us.

When we first come to the program, we usually ask for a lot of things

that seem to be important wants and needs. As we grow spiritually and

find a Power greater than ourselves, we begin to realize that as long as our

spiritual needs are met, our living problems are reduced to a point of com-

fort. When we forget where our real strength lies, we quickly become sub-

ject to the same patterns of thinking and action that got us to the program

in the first place. We eventually redefine our beliefs and understanding to

the point where we see that our greatest need is for knowledge of God’s

will for us and the strength to carry that out. We are able to set aside some

of our personal preference, because we learn that God’s will for us consists

of the very things we most value. God’s will for us becomes our own true

will for ourselves. This happens in an intuitive manner that cannot be ad-

equately explained in words.

We become willing to let other people be who they are without having

to pass judgment on them. The urgency to take care of things isn’t there

anymore. We couldn’t comprehend acceptance in the beginning; today we can.

We know that whatever the day brings, God has given us everything

we need for our spiritual well-being. It is all right for us to admit power-

lessness, because God is powerful enough to help us stay clean and to en-

joy spiritual progress. God is helping us to get our house in order.

How It Works 39

We begin to see more clearly what is real. Through constant contact

with our Higher Power, the answers that we seek come to us. We gain the

ability to do what we once could not. We respect the beliefs of others. We

encourage you to seek strength and guidance according to your belief.

We are thankful for this step, because we begin to get what is best for

us. Sometimes we prayed for our wants and got trapped once we got them.

We could pray and get something, then have to pray for its removal, be-

cause we couldn’t handle it.

Hopefully, having learned the power of prayer and the responsibility

prayer brings with it, we can use the Eleventh Step as a guideline for our

daily program.

We begin to pray only for God’s will for us. This way we are getting

only what we are capable of handling. We are able to respond to it and

handle it, because God helps us prepare for it. Some of us simply use our

words to give thanks for God’s grace.

In an attitude of surrender and humility, we approach this step again

and again to receive the gift of knowledge and strength from the God of

our understanding. The Tenth Step clears away the errors of the present so

we may work the Eleventh Step. Without this step, it is unlikely that we

could experience a spiritual awakening, practice spiritual principles in our

lives or carry a sufficient message to attract others to recovery. There is a

spiritual principle of giving away what we have been given in Narcotics

Anonymous in order to keep it. By helping others to stay clean, we enjoy

the benefit of the spiritual wealth that we have found. We must give freely

and gratefully that which has been freely and gratefully given to us.

STEP TWELVE

“Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to

carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our

affairs.”

We came to Narcotics Anonymous as the result of the wreckage of our past.

The last thing we expected was an awakening of the spirit. We just wanted

to stop hurting.

The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening

is evidenced by changes in our lives. These changes make us better able to

live by spiritual principles and to carry our message of recovery and hope

40 Narcotics Anonymous

to the addict who still suffers. The message, however, is meaningless un-

less we

LIVE it. As we live it, our lives and actions give it more meaning

than our words and literature ever could.

The idea of a spiritual awakening takes many different forms in the dif-

ferent personalities that we find in the Fellowship. However, all spiritual

awakenings have some things in common. Common elements include an

end to loneliness and a sense of direction in our lives. Many of us believe

that a spiritual awakening is meaningless unless accompanied by an increase

in peace of mind and a concern for others. In order to maintain peace of

mind, we strive to live in the here and now.

Those of us who have worked these steps to the best of our ability re-

ceived many benefits. We believe that these benefits are a direct result of

living this program.

When we first begin to enjoy relief from our addiction, we run the risk

of assuming control of our lives again. We forget the agony and pain that

we have known. Our disease controlled our lives when we were using. It

is ready and waiting to take over again. We quickly forget that all our past

efforts at controlling our lives failed.

By this time, most of us realize that the only way that we can keep what

was given to us is by sharing this new gift of life with the still-suffering

addict. This is our best insurance against relapse to the torturous existence

of using. We call it carrying the message, and we do it in a number of ways.

In the Twelfth Step, we practice the spiritual principles of giving the N.A.

message of recovery in order to keep it. Even a member with one day in the

N.A. Fellowship can carry the message that this program works.

When we share with someone new, we may ask to be used as a spiri-

tual instrument of our Higher Power. We don’t set ourselves up as gods.

We often ask for the help of another recovering addict when sharing with a

new person. It is a privilege to respond to a cry for help. We, who have

been in the pits of despair, feel fortunate to help others find recovery.

We help new people learn the principles of Narcotics Anonymous. We

try to make them feel welcome and help them learn what the program has

to offer. We share our experience, strength and hope. Whenever possible,

we accompany newcomers to a meeting.

The selfless service of this work is the very principle of Step Twelve.

We received our recovery from the God of our understanding. We now

make ourselves available as His tool to share recovery with those who seek

it. Most of us learn that we can only carry our message to someone who is

How It Works 41

asking for help. Sometimes, the only message necessary to make the suf-

fering addict reach out is the power of example. An addict may be suffer-

ing but unwilling to ask for help. We can make ourselves available to these

people, so when they ask, someone will be there.

Learning to help others is a benefit of the Narcotics Anonymous Pro-

gram. Remarkably, working the Twelve Steps guides us from humiliation

and despair to acting as instruments of our Higher Power. We are given

the ability to help a fellow addict when no one else can. We see it happen-

ing among us every day. This miraculous turnabout is evidence of spiri-

tual awakening. We share from our own personal experience what it has

been like for us. The temptation to give advice is great, but when we do so

we lose the respect of newcomers. This clouds our message. A simple, hon-

est message of recovery from addiction rings true.

We attend meetings and make ourselves visible and available to serve

the Fellowship. We give freely and gratefully of our time, service, and what

we have found here. The service we speak of in Narcotics Anonymous is

the primary purpose of our groups. Service work is carrying the message

to the addict who still suffers. The more eagerly we wade in and work, the

richer our spiritual awakening will be.

The first way that we carry the message speaks for itself. People see us

on the street and remember us as devious, frightened loners. They notice

the fear leaving our faces. They see us gradually come alive.

Once we find the N.A. way, boredom and complacency have no place

in our new life. By staying clean, we begin to practice spiritual principles such

as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith,

tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring. As our

recovery progresses, spiritual principles touch every area of our lives, because

we simply try to live this program in the here and now.

We find joy as we start to learn how to live by the principles of recov-

ery. It is the joy of watching as a person two days clean says to a person

with one day clean, “An addict alone is in bad company.” It is the joy of

watching a person who was struggling to make it suddenly, in the middle

of helping another addict to stay clean, become able to find the words

needed to carry the message of recovery.

We feel that our lives have become worthwhile. Spiritually refreshed,

we are glad to be alive. When we were using, our lives became an exercise

in survival. Now we are doing much more living than surviving. Realiz-

ing that the bottom line is staying clean, we can enjoy life. We like being

42 Narcotics Anonymous

clean and enjoy carrying the message of recovery to the addict who still suf-

fers. Going to meetings really works.

Practicing spiritual principles in our daily lives leads us to a new im-

age of ourselves. Honesty, humility and open-mindedness help us to treat

our associates fairly. Our decisions become tempered with tolerance. We

learn to respect ourselves.

The lessons we learn in our recovery are sometimes bitter and painful.

By helping others we find the reward of self-respect, as we are able to share

these lessons with other members of Narcotics Anonymous. We cannot deny

other addicts their pain, but we can carry the message of hope that was given

to us by fellow addicts in recovery. We share the principles of recovery, as

they have worked in our lives. God helps us as we help each other. Life

takes on a new meaning, a new joy, and a quality of being and feeling worth-

while. We become spiritually refreshed and are glad to be alive. One as-

pect of our spiritual awakening comes through the new understanding of

our Higher Power that we develop by sharing another addict’s recovery.

Yes, we are a vision of hope. We are examples of the program work-

ing. The joy that we have in living clean is an attraction to the addict who

still suffers.

We do recover to live clean and happy lives. Welcome to N.A. The steps

do not end here. The steps are a new beginning!

What Can I Do? 43

CHAPTER FIVE

WHAT CAN I DO?

Begin your own program taking Step One from the previous chapter, How It

Works. When by we fully concede to our innermost selves that we are

powerless over our addiction, we have taken a big step in our recovery. Many

of us have had some reservations at this point, so give yourself a break and be

as thorough as possible from the start. Go on to Step Two, and so forth, and as

you go on you will come to an understanding of the program for yourself. If you

are in an institution of any kind and have stopped using for the present, you can

with a clear mind try this way of life.

Upon release, continue your daily program and contact a member of N.A.

Do this by mail, by phone, or in person. Better yet, come to our meetings.

Here, you will find answers to some of the things that may be disturbing you

now.

If you are not in an institution, the same holds true. Stop using for

today. Most of us can do for eight or twelve hours what seems impossible for

a longer period of time. If the obsession or compulsion becomes too great, put

yourself on a five minute basis of not using. Minutes will grow to hours, and

hours to days, so you will break the habit and gain some peace of mind. The

real miracle happens when you realize that the need for drugs has in some

way been lifted from you. You have stopped using and have started to live.

The first step to recovery is to stop using. We cannot expect the program

to work for us if our minds and bodies are still clouded by drugs. We can

do this anywhere, even in prison or an institution. We do it anyway we

can, cold turkey or in a detox, just as long as we get clean.

Developing the concept of God as we understand Him is a project that

we can undertake. We can also use the steps to improve our attitudes. Our

best thinking got us into trouble. We recognize the need for change. Our

disease involved much more than just using drugs, so our recovery must

involve much more than simple abstinence. Recovery is an active change

in our ideas and attitudes.

44 Narcotics Anonymous

The ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean. If we had prob-

lems in the past, it is unlikely that simple abstinence will solve these prob-

lems. Guilt and worry can keep us from living in the here and now. Denial

of our disease and other reservations keep us sick. Many of us feel that we

cannot possibly have a happy life without drugs. We suffer from fear and

insanity and feel that there is no escape from using. We may fear rejection

from our friends if we get clean. These feelings are common to the addict

seeking recovery. We could be suffering from an overly sensitive ego. Some

of the most common excuses for using are loneliness, self-pity, and fear. Dis-

honesty, close-mindedness, and unwillingness are three of our greatest en-

emies. Self-obsession is the core of our disease.

We have learned that old ideas and old ways won’t help us to stay clean

or to live a better life. If we allow ourselves to stagnate and cling to termi-

nal hipness and fatal cool, we are giving into the symptoms of our disease.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of

reality than to change reality. We must give up this old concept and face

the fact that reality and life go on, whether we choose to accept them or

not. We can only change the way we react and the way we see ourselves.

This is necessary for us to accept that change is gradual and recovery is an

ongoing process.

A meeting a day for at least the first ninety days of recovery is a good

idea. There is a special feeling for addicts when they discover that there

are other people who share their difficulties, past and present. At first we

can do little more than attend meetings. Probably we cannot remember a

single word, person or thought from our first meeting. In time, we can re-

lax and enjoy the atmosphere of recovery. Meetings strengthen our recov-

ery. We may be scared at first because we don’t know anyone. Some of us

think that we don’t need meetings. However, when we hurt, we go to a

meeting and find relief. Meetings keep us in touch with where we’ve been,

but more importantly with where we could go in our recovery. As we go

to meetings regularly, we learn the value of talking with other addicts who

share our problems and goals. We have to open up and accept the love and

understanding that we need in order to change. When we become ac-

quainted with the Fellowship and its principles and begin to put them into

action, we start to grow. We apply effort to our most obvious problems and

let go of the rest. We do the job at hand, and as we progress, new opportuni-

ties for improvement present themselves.

What Can I Do? 45

Our new friends in the Fellowship will help us. Our common effort is

recovery. Clean, we face the world together. We no longer have to feel

backed into a corner, at the mercy of events and circumstances. It makes a

difference to have friends who care if we hurt. We find our place in the

Fellowship, and we join a group whose meetings help us in our recovery.

We have been untrustworthy for so long that most of our friends and fami-

lies will doubt our recovery. They think it won’t last. We need people who

understand our disease and the recovery process. At meetings we can share

with other addicts, ask questions and learn about our disease. We learn new

ways to live. We are no longer limited to our old ideas.

Gradually, we replace old habits with new ways of living. We become

willing to change. We go to meetings regularly, get and use telephone num-

bers, read literature, and most importantly, we don’t use. We learn to share

with others. If we don’t tell someone we are hurting, they will seldom see

it. When we reach out for help, we can receive it.

Another tool for the newcomer is involvement with the Fellowship. As

we become involved we learn to keep the program first and take it easy in

other matters. We begin by asking for help and trying out the recommen-

dations of people at the meetings. It is beneficial to allow others in the group

to help us. In time, we will be able to pass on what we have been given.

We learn that service to others will get us out of ourselves. Our work can

begin with simple actions: emptying ashtrays, making coffee, cleaning up,

setting up for a meeting, opening the door, chairing a meeting, and passing

out literature. Doing these things helps us feel a part of the Fellowship.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor.

Sponsorship is a two-way street. It helps both the newcomer and the spon-

sor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the avail-

ability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship for newcomers is also the

responsibility of the group. It is implied and informal in its approach, but

it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict help-

ing another.

One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of per-

sonal relationships. Our earliest involvements with others often begin with

our sponsor. As newcomers, we find it easier if we have someone whose

judgement we trust and in whom we can confide. We find that trusting oth-

ers with more experience is a strength rather than a weakness. Our experience

reveals that working the steps is our best guarantee against relapse. Our spon-

sors and friends can advise us on how to work the steps. We can talk over

46 Narcotics Anonymous

what the steps mean. They can help us to prepare for the spiritual experi-

ence of living the steps. Asking God as we understand Him for help im-

proves our understanding of the steps. When we are prepared, we must

try out our newly found way of life. We learn that the program won’t work

when we try to adapt it to our life. We must learn to adapt our life to the

program.

Today, we seek solutions, not problems. We try what we have learned

on an experimental basis. We keep what we need and leave the rest.

We find that by working the steps, communicating with our Higher Power,

talking to our sponsors, and sharing with newcomers, we are able to grow

spiritually.

The Twelve Steps are used as a program of recovery. We learn that we

can go to our Higher Power for help in solving problems. When we find

ourselves sharing difficulties that used to have us on the run, we experi-

ence good feelings that give us the strength to begin seeking God’s will for us.

We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us. If we honestly

try to do God’s will, to the best of our ability, we can handle anything that

happens. Seeking our Higher Power’s will is a spiritual principle found

in the steps. Working the steps and practicing the principles simplifies our

lives and changes our old attitudes. When we admit that our lives have

become unmanageable, we don’t have to argue our point of view. We have

to accept ourselves as we are. We no longer have to be right all the time.

When we give ourselves this freedom, we can allow others to be wrong.

Freedom to change seems to come after acceptance of ourselves.

Sharing with fellow addicts is a basic tool in our program. This help

can only come from another addict. It is this help that says, “I have had

something like that happen to me, and I did this . . .” For anyone who wants

our way of life, we share experience, strength, and hope instead of preach-

ing and judging. If sharing the experience of our pain helps just one person,

it was worth the suffering. We strengthen our own recovery when we share it

with others who ask for help. If we keep what we have to share, we lose it.

Words mean nothing until we put them into action.

We recognize our spiritual growth when we are able to reach out and

help others. We help others when we participate in service work and try

to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. We learn

that we keep what we have only by giving it away. Also, our experience

shows that many personal problems are resolved when we get out of our-

selves and offer to help those in need. We recognize that one addict can

What Can I Do? 47

best understand and help another addict. No matter how much we give,

there is always another addict seeking help.

We cannot afford to lose sight of the importance of sponsorship and of

taking a special interest in a confused addict who wants to stop using. Ex-

perience shows clearly that those who get the most out of the Narcotics

Anonymous Program are those to whom sponsorship is important. Spon-

sorship responsibilities are welcomed by us and accepted as opportunities

to enrich our personal N.A. experience.

Working with others is only the beginning of service work. N.A. ser-

vice allows us to spend much of our time directly helping suffering addicts,

as well as ensuring that Narcotics Anonymous itself survives. This way

we keep what we have by giving it away.

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 48

CHAPTER SIX

THE TWELVE TRADITIONS

OF NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS

We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the

individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs

from our Traditions.

As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that

would tear us apart, all will be well.

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on

N.A. unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving

God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our

leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other

groups or N.A. as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to

the addict who still suffers.

6. An N.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the N.A. name

to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money,

property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every N.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining

outside contributions.

8. Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but

our service centers may employ special workers.

9. N.A., as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service

boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the

N.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 49

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than

promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level

of press, radio, and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever

reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Understanding these Traditions comes slowly over a period of time. We

pick up information as we talk to members and visit various groups. It usu-

ally isn’t until we get involved with service that someone points out that

“personal recovery depends on N.A. unity,” and that unity depends on how

well we follow our Traditions. The Twelve Traditions of N.A. are not ne-

gotiable. They are the guidelines that keep our Fellowship alive and free.

By following these guidelines in our dealings with others, and society

at large, we avoid many problems. That is not to say that our Traditions

eliminate all problems. We still have to face difficulties as they arise: com-

munication problems, differences of opinion, internal controversies, and

troubles with individuals and groups outside the Fellowship. However,

when we apply these principles, we avoid some of the pitfalls.

Many of our problems are like those that our predecessors had to face.

Their hard won experience gave birth to the Traditions, and our own expe-

rience has shown that these principles are just as valid today as they were

when these Traditions were formulated. Our Traditions protect us from the

internal and external forces that could destroy us. They are truly the ties

that bind us together. It is only through understanding and application that

they work.

TRADITION ONE

“Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on

N.A. unity.”

Our First Tradition concerns unity and our common welfare. One of the

most important things about our new way of life is being a part of a group

of addicts seeking recovery. Our survival is directly related to the survival

of the group and the Fellowship. To maintain unity within Narcotics Anony-

mous, it is imperative that the group remain stable, or the entire Fellow-

ship perishes and the individual dies.

50 Narcotics Anonymous

It wasn’t until we came to Narcotics Anonymous that recovery became

possible. This program can do for us what we could not do for ourselves.

We became part of a group and found that we could recover. We learned

that those who did not continue to be an active part of the Fellowship faced

a rough road. The individual is precious to the group, and the group is

precious to the individual. We never experienced the kind of attention and

personal care that we found in the program. We are accepted and loved

for who we are, not in spite of who we are. No one can revoke our mem-

bership or make us do anything that we do not choose to do. We follow

this way of life by example rather than direction. We share our experience

and learn from each other. In our addiction, we consistently placed our per-

sonal desires before anything else. In Narcotics Anonymous we find that

what is best for the group is usually good for us.

Our personal experiences while using differed from one another. As a

group, however, we have found many common themes in our addiction.

One of these was the need to prove self-sufficiency. We had convinced our-

selves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis.

The results were disastrous and, in the end, each of us had to admit that

self-sufficiency was a lie. This admission was the starting point of our re-

covery and is a primary point of unity for the Fellowship. We had com-

mon themes in our addiction, and we find that in our recovery we have

much in common. We share a common desire to stay clean. We have

learned to depend on a Power greater than ourselves. Our purpose is to

carry the message to the addict who still suffers. Our Traditions are the

guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.

Unity is a must in Narcotics Anonymous. This is not to say that we do

not have our disagreements and conflicts; we do. Whenever people get to-

gether there are differences of opinions. However, we can disagree with-

out being disagreeable. Time and time again, in crises we have set aside

our differences and worked for the common good. We have seen two mem-

bers, who usually do not get along, work together with a newcomer. We

have seen a group doing menial tasks to pay rent for their meeting hall. We

have seen members drive hundreds of miles to help support a new group.

These activities and many others are commonplace in our Fellowship. With-

out these actions N.A. could not survive.

We must live and work together as a group to ensure that in a storm

our ship does not sink and our members do not perish. With faith in a

Power greater than ourselves, hard work, and unity we will survive and

continue to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 51

TRADITION TWO

“For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving

God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are

but trusted servants; they do not govern.”

In Narcotics Anonymous, we are concerned with protecting ourselves from

ourselves. Our Second Tradition is an example of this. By nature, we are

strong-willed, self-centered people, who are thrust together in N.A. We are

mismanagers and not one of us is capable of consistently making good

decisions.

In Narcotics Anonymous, we rely on a loving God as He expresses Him-

self in our group conscience, rather than on personal opinion or ego. By

working the steps, we learn to depend on a Power greater than ourselves,

and to use this Power for our group purposes. We must be constantly on

guard that our decisions are truly an expression of God’s will. There is

often a vast difference between group conscience and group opinion, as dic-

tated by powerful personalities or popularity. Some of our most painful

growing experiences have come as a result of decisions made in the name

of group conscience. True spiritual principles are never in conflict; they

complement each other. The spiritual conscience of a group will never con-

tradict any of our Traditions.

The Second Tradition concerns the nature of leadership in N.A. We have

learned that for our Fellowship, leadership by example and by selfless ser-

vice works. Direction and manipulation fail. We choose not to have presi-

dents, masters, or directors. Instead we have secretaries, treasurers and

representatives. These titles imply service rather than control. Our experi-

ence shows that if a group becomes an extension of the personality of a

leader or member, it loses its effectiveness. An atmosphere of recovery in

our groups is one of our most valued assets, and we must guard it care-

fully, lest we lose it to politics and personalities.

Those of us who have been involved in service or in getting a group

started sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos, unfounded pride, and

self-will destroy a group if given authority. We must remember that offices

have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants, and that at no time

do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given program, and we

can maintain our group in dignity only with group conscience and God’s love.

52 Narcotics Anonymous

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for the

newcomers. The self-seekers soon find that they are on the outside, caus-

ing dissension and eventually disaster for themselves. Many of them

change; they learn that we can only be governed by a loving God as ex-

pressed in our group conscience.

TRADITION THREE

“The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.”

This tradition is important for both the individual and the group. Desire

is the key word; desire is the basis of our recovery. In our stories and in

our experience of trying to carry the message of recovery to the addict who

still suffers, one painful fact of life has emerged again and again. An ad-

dict who does not want to stop using will not stop using. They can be ana-

lyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked

up, but they will not stop until they want to stop. The only thing we ask

of our members is that they have this desire. Without it they are doomed,

but with it miracles will happen.

Desire is our only requirement. Addiction does not discriminate. This

tradition is to ensure that any addict, regardless of drugs used, race, reli-

gious beliefs, sex, sexual preference, or financial condition is free to prac-

tice the N.A. way of life. With “ . . . a desire to stop using” as the only

requirement for membership, one addict is never superior to another. All

addicted persons are welcome and equal in obtaining the relief that they

are seeking from their addiction; every addict can recover in this program

on an equal basis. This tradition guarantees our freedom to recover.

Membership in Narcotics Anonymous is not automatic when someone

walks in the door or when the newcomer decides to stop using. The deci-

sion to become a part of our Fellowship rests with the individual. Any ad-

dict who has a desire to stop using can become a member of N.A. We are

addicts, and our problem is addiction.

The choice of membership rests with the individual. We feel that the

ideal state for our Fellowship exists when addicts can come freely and

openly to an N.A. meeting, whenever and wherever they choose, and leave

just as freely. We realize that recovery is a reality and that life without drugs

is better than we ever imagined. We open our doors to other addicts, hop-

ing that they can find what we have found. But we know that only those

who have a desire to stop using and want what we have to offer will join

us in our way of life.

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 53

TRADITION FOUR

“Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other

groups or N.A. as a whole.”

The autonomy of our groups is necessary for our survival. A dictionary

defines autonomous as “having the right or power of self-government...

undertaken or carried on without outside control.” This means our groups

are self-governing, and not subject to outside control. Every group has had

to stand and grow on its own.

One might ask, “Are we truly autonomous? Don’t we have service com-

mittees, offices, activities, hot lines, and other activities in N.A.?” They are

services we use to help us in our recovery and to further the primary pur-

pose of our groups. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and

women, addicts meeting in groups and using a given set of spiritual prin-

ciples to find freedom from addiction and a new way to live. The services

that we mentioned are the result of members who care enough to reach out

and offer help and experience so that our road might be easier.

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any group that meets regularly, at a

specified place and time, for the purpose of recovery, provided that it fol-

lows the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous.

There are two basic types of meetings: those open to the general public and

those closed to the public (for addicts only). Meeting formats vary widely

from group to group; some are participation meetings, some speakers, some

are question and answer, and some focus on special problems discussion.

Whatever the type or format a group uses for its meetings, the function

of a group is always the same; to provide a suitable and reliable environ-

ment for personal recovery and to promote such recovery. These Traditions

are part of a set of spiritual principles of Narcotics Anonymous, and with-

out them N.A. does not exist.

Autonomy gives our groups the freedom to act on their own to estab-

lish an atmosphere of recovery, serve their members and fulfill their primary

purpose. It is for these reasons that we guard our autonomy so carefully.

It would seem that we, in our groups, can do whatever we decide, re-

gardless of what anyone says. This is partly true. Each group does have

complete freedom, except when their actions affect other groups or N.A. as

a whole. Like group conscience, autonomy can be a two-edged sword.

Group autonomy has been used to justify violation of the Traditions. If a

54 Narcotics Anonymous

contradiction exists, we have slipped away from our principles. If we check

to make sure that our actions are clearly within the bounds of our tradi-

tions; if we do not dictate to other groups, or force anything upon them;

and if we consider the consequences of our action ahead of time, then all

will be well.

TRADITION FIVE

“Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the

addict who still suffers.”

“

You mean to say that our primary purpose is to carry the message? I

thought we were here to get clean. I thought that our primary purpose was

to recover from drug addiction.” For the individual, this is certainly true;

our members are here to find freedom from addiction and a new way of

life. However, groups aren’t addicted and don’t recover. All our groups

can do is plant the seed for recovery and bring addicts together so that the

magic of empathy, honesty, caring, sharing, and service can do their work.

The purpose of this tradition is to ensure that this atmosphere of recovery

is maintained. This can only be achieved by keeping our groups recovery-

oriented. The fact that we, each and every group, focus on carrying the mes-

sage provides consistency; addicts can count on us. Unity of action and

purpose makes possible what seemed impossible for us—recovery.

The Twelfth Step of our personal program also says that we carry the

message to the addict who still suffers. Working with others is a powerful

tool. “The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without par-

allel.” For the newcomers, this is how they found Narcotics Anonymous

and learned to stay clean. For the members, this reaffirms their commit-

ment to recovery. The group is the most powerful vehicle we have for car-

rying the message. When a member carries the message, he is somewhat

bound by interpretation and personality. The problem with literature is lan-

guage. The feelings, the intensity, and the strengths are sometimes lost. In

our group, with many different personalities, the message of recovery is a

recurring theme.

What would happen if our groups had another primary purpose? We

feel our message would be diluted and then lost. If we concentrated on

making money, many might get rich. If we were a social club, we could

find many friends and lovers. If we specialized in education, we’d end up

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 55

with many smart addicts. If our specialty was medical help, many would

get healthy. If our group purpose were anything other than to carry the

message, many would die and few would find recovery.

What is our message? The message is that an addict, any addict, can

stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live. Our

message is hope and the promise of freedom. When all is said and done,

our primary purpose can only be to carry the message to the addict who

still suffers because that is all we have to give.

TRADITION SIX

“An N.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the N.A. name to

any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property

or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.”

Our Sixth Tradition tells us some of the things that we must do to preserve

and protect our primary purpose. This tradition is the basis for our policy

of non-affiliation and is extremely important to the continuation and growth

of Narcotics Anonymous.

Let’s take a look at what this tradition says. The first thing a group

ought never do is endorse. To endorse is to sanction, approve or recom-

mend. Endorsements can be either direct or implied. We see direct endorse-

ments every day in television commercials. An implied endorsement is one

that is not specifically stated.

Many other organizations wish to ride on the N.A. name. To allow them

to do so would be an implied endorsement and a violation of this tradi-

tion. Hospitals, drug recovery houses, probation and parole offices are some

of the facilities we deal with in carrying the N.A. message. While these or-

ganizations are sincere and we hold N.A. meetings in their establishments,

we cannot endorse, finance or allow them to use the N.A. name to further

their growth. However, we are willing to carry the N.A. principles into these

institutions, to the addicts who still suffer so that they can make the choice.

The next thing we ought never do is finance. This is more obvious. To

finance means to supply funds or to help support financially.

The third thing warned against in this tradition is lending the N.A. name

to fulfill the purposes of other programs. For example, several times other

programs have tried to use Narcotics Anonymous as part of their services

offered, to help justify funding.

56 Narcotics Anonymous

Further the tradition tells us that a related facility is any place involv-

ing N.A. members. It might be a halfway house, a detox center, a counsel-

ing center, or a clubhouse. People are easily confused by what is N.A. and

what are the related facilities. Recovery houses that have been started or

staffed by N.A. members have to take care that the differentiation is clear.

Perhaps the most confusion exists when it involves a clubhouse. Newcom-

ers and older members often identify the clubhouse with Narcotics Anony-

mous. We should make a special effort to let these people know that these

facilities and N.A. are not the same. An outside enterprise is any agency,

business venture, religion, society, organization, related activity, or any other

fellowship. Most of these are easy to identify, except for the other fellow-

ships. Narcotics Anonymous is a separate and distinct fellowship in its own

right. Our problem is addiction. The other Twelve Step Fellowships spe-

cialize in other problems, and our relationship with them is one of coop-

eration, not affiliation. The use of literature, speakers, and announcements

from other fellowships in our meetings constitutes an implied endorsement

of an outside enterprise.

The Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest prob-

lems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.”

These problems often become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual

aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group,

it can be disastrous. When we, as a group, waiver from our primary pur-

pose, addicts who might have found recovery die.

TRADITION SEVEN

“Every N.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside

contributions.”

Being self-supporting is an important part of our new way of life. For the

individual, this is usually quite a change. In our addiction, we were de-

pendent on people, places, and things. We looked to them to support us

and supply the things that we found lacking in ourselves. As recovering

addicts, we find that we are still dependent, but our dependence has shifted

from the things around us to a loving God and the inner strength we get in

our relationship with Him. We, who were unable to function as human be-

ings, now find that anything is possible of us. Dreams that we gave up

long ago can now become realities. Addicts as a group have been a burden

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 57

to society. In N.A., our groups not only stand on their own, but demand

the right to do so.

Money has always been a problem for us. We could never find enough

to support ourselves and our habits. We worked, stole, conned, begged and

sold ourselves; there was never enough money to fill the emptiness inside.

In our recovery, money is often still a problem.

We need money to run our group; there is rent to pay, supplies and lit-

erature to buy. We take a collection in our meetings to cover these expenses

and whatever is left goes to support our services and to further our primary

purpose. Unfortunately, there is little left once a group pays its way. Some-

times members who can afford it give a little extra to help. Sometimes a

committee is formed to put on an activity to raise funds. These efforts help

and without them, we could not have come this far. N.A. services remain

in need of money, and even though it is sometimes frustrating, we really

would not have it any other way; we know the price would be too high.

We all have to pull together, and in pulling together we learn that we really

are part of something greater than ourselves.

Our policy concerning money is clearly stated: We decline any outside

contributions; our Fellowship is completely self-supporting. We accept no

funding, endowments, loans, and/or gifts. Everything has its price, regard-

less of intent. Whether the price is money, promises, concessions, special

recognition, endorsements, or favors, it’s too high for us. Even if those who

would help us could guarantee no strings, we still would not accept their aid.

We cannot afford to let our members contribute more than their fair share. We

have found that the price paid by our groups is disunity and controversy. We

will not put our freedom on the line.

TRADITION EIGHT

“Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our

service centers may employ special workers.”

The Eighth Tradition is vital to the stability of N.A. as a whole. In order

to understand this tradition we need to define “non-professional service cen-

ters” and “special workers.” With an understanding of these terms, this

important tradition is self-explanatory.

In this tradition we say that we have no professionals. By this, we mean

we have no staff psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, or counselors. Our program

58 Narcotics Anonymous

works by one addict helping another. If we employed professionals in N.A.

groups, we would destroy our unity. We are simply addicts of equal status

freely helping one another.

We recognize and admire the professionals. Many of our members are pro-

fessionals in their own right, but there is no room for professionalism in N.A.

A service center is defined as a place where N.A. service committees

operate. The World Service Office or local, regional, and area offices are

examples of service centers. A clubhouse or halfway house, or similar fa-

cility, is not an N.A. service center and is not affiliated with N.A. A service

center is, very simply, a place where N.A. services are offered on a continu-

ing basis.

The tradition states, “Service centers may employ special workers.” This

statement means that service centers may employ workers for special skills

such as phone answering, clerical work, or printing. Such employees are

directly responsible to a service committee. As N.A. grows, the demand

for these workers will grow. Special workers are necessary to ensure effi-

ciency in an ever-expanding fellowship.

The difference between professionals and special workers should be de-

fined for clarity. Professionals work in specific professions that do not di-

rectly service N.A., but are for personal gain. Professionals do not follow

the N.A. Traditions. Our special workers, on the other hand, work within

our Traditions and are always directly responsible to those they serve, to

the Fellowship.

In our Eighth Tradition, we do not single out our members as profes-

sional. By not placing professional status on any member, we ensure that

we remain “forever nonprofessional.”

TRADITION NINE

“N.A., as such, ought never be organized, but we may create service

boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.”

This tradition defines the way that our Fellowship functions. We must first

understand what N.A. is. Narcotics Anonymous is addicts who have the

desire to stop using, and have joined together to do so. Our meetings are a

gathering of members for the purpose of staying clean and carrying the mes-

sage of recovery. Our steps and traditions are set down in a specific order.

They are numbered, they are not random and unstructured. They are

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 59

organized, but this is not the type of organization referred to in the Ninth

Tradition. In this tradition, “organized” means having management and

control. On this basis, the meaning of Tradition Nine is clear. Without this

tradition, our Fellowship would be in opposition to spiritual principles. A

loving God, as He may express Himself in our group conscience, is our ul-

timate authority.

The Ninth Tradition goes on to define the nature of the things that we

can do to help N.A. It says that we may create service boards or commit-

tees to serve the needs of the Fellowship. They exist solely to serve the Fel-

lowship. This is the nature of our service structure as it has evolved and

been defined in the N.A. service manual.

TRADITION TEN

“Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the N.A.

name ought never be drawn into public controversy.”

In order to achieve our spiritual aim, Narcotics Anonymous must be known

and respected. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our history. N.A. was

founded in 1953. For twenty years, our Fellowship remained small and ob-

scure. In the 1970’s, society realized that addiction had become a world-

wide epidemic and began to look for answers. Along with this came change

in the way people thought of the addict. This change allowed addicts to

seek help more openly. N.A. groups sprang up in many places where we

were never tolerated before. Recovering addicts paved the way for more

groups and more recovery. Today N.A. is a worldwide Fellowship. We are

known and respected everywhere.

If an addict has never heard of us, he cannot seek us out. If those who

work with addicts are unaware of our existence, they cannot refer them to

us. One of the most important things we can do to further our primary

purpose is to let people know who, what and where we are. If we do this

and keep our good reputation, we will surely grow.

Our recovery speaks for itself. Our Tenth Tradition specifically helps

protect our reputation. This tradition says that N.A. has no opinion on out-

side issues. We don’t take sides. We don’t have any recommendations.

N.A., as a Fellowship, does not participate in politics; to do so would in-

vite controversy. It would jeopardize our Fellowship. Those who agree

with our opinions might commend us for taking a stand, but some would

60 Narcotics Anonymous

always disagree. With a price this high, is it any wonder we choose not to

take sides in society’s problems? For our own survival, we have no opin-

ion on outside issues.

TRADITION ELEVEN

“Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion;

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio,

and films.”

This tradition deals with our relationship to those outside the Fellowship.

It tells us how to conduct our efforts at the public level.

Our public image

consists of what we have to offer, a successful proven way of maintaining

a drug-free lifestyle. While it is important to reach as many people as pos-

sible, it is imperative for our protection that we are careful about advertise-

ments, circulars and any literature that may reach the public’s hands.

Our attraction is that we are successes in our own right. As groups, we

offer recovery. We have found that the success of our program speaks for

itself; this is our promotion.

This tradition goes on to tell us that we need to maintain personal ano-

nymity at the level of press, radio, and films. This is to protect the mem-

bership and the reputation of Narcotics Anonymous. We do not give our

last names nor appear in the media as a member of Narcotics Anonymous. No

individual inside or outside the Fellowship represents Narcotics Anonymous.

TRADITION TWELVE

“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever

reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

A dictionary definition of anonymity is “a state of bearing no name.” In

keeping with Tradition Twelve, the “I” becomes “we.” The spiritual foun-

dation becomes more important than any one group or individual.

As we find ourselves growing closer together, the awakening of humil-

ity occurs. Humility is a by-product that allows us to grow and develop in

an atmosphere of freedom, and removes the fear of becoming known by

our employers, families or friends as addicts. Therefore, we attempt to

* For detailed examples refer to A Guide to Public Information Newly Revised.

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous 61

rigorously adhere to the principle that “what is said in meetings stays in

meetings.”

Throughout our Traditions, we speak in terms of “we” and “our” rather

than “me” and “mine.” By working together for our common welfare, we

achieve the true spirit of anonymity.

We have heard the phrase “principles before personalities” so often that

it is like a cliche. While we may disagree as individuals, the spiritual prin-

ciple of anonymity makes us all equal as members of the group. No mem-

ber is greater or lesser than any other member. The drive for personal gain

in the areas of sex, property and social position, which brought so much

pain in the past, falls by the wayside if we adhere to the principle of ano-

nymity. Anonymity is one of the basic elements of our recovery and it per-

vades our Traditions and our Fellowship. It protects us from our own

defects of character and renders personalities and their differences power-

less. Anonymity in action makes it impossible for personalities to come be-

fore principles.

CHAPTER SEVEN

RECOVERY AND RELAPSE

Many people think that recovery is simply a matter of not using drugs. They

consider a relapse a sign of complete failure, and long periods of abstinence a

sign of complete success. We in the recovery program of Narcotics

Anonymous have found that this perception is too simplistic. After a member

has had some involvement in our Fellowship, a relapse may be the jarring

experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program. By

the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for

long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from

enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. Complete and

continuous abstinence, however, in close association and identification with

others in N.A. groups, is still the best ground for growth.

Although all addicts are basically the same in kind, we do, as individuals,

differ in degree of sickness and rate of recovery. There may be times when a

relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom. At other times that

freedom can only be achieved by a grim and obstinate willfulness to hang on

to abstinence come hell or high water until a crisis passes. An addict, who by

any means can lose, even for a time, the need or desire to use, and has free

choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning

point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery. The feeling of true

independence and freedom hangs here at times in the balance. To step out

alone and run our own lives again draws us, yet we seem to know that what

we have has come from dependence on a Power greater than ourselves and

from the giving and receiving of help from others in acts of empathy. Many

times in our recovery the old bugaboos will haunt us. Life may again become

meaningless, monotonous and boring. We may tire mentally in repeating our

new ideas and tire physically in our new activities, yet we know that if we fail

to repeat them we will surely take up our old practices. We suspect that if we

do not use what we have, we will lose what we have. These times are often the

periods of our greatest growth. Our minds and bodies seem tired of it all, yet the

dynamic forces of change or true conversion, deep within, may be working to give

us the answers that alter our inner motivations and change our lives.

Recovery and Relapse 63

Recovery as experienced through our Twelve Steps is our goal, not mere

physical abstinence. To improve ourselves takes effort, and since there is no

way in the world to graft a new idea on a closed mind, an opening must be

made somehow. Since we can do this only for ourselves, we need to recognize

two of our seemingly inherent enemies, apathy and procrastination. Our

resistance to change seems built in, and only a nuclear blast of some kind will

bring about any alteration or initiate another course of action. A relapse, if

we survive it, may provide the charge for the demolition process. A relapse

and sometimes subsequent death of someone close to us can do the job of

awakening us to the necessity for vigorous personal action.

We have seen addicts come to our Fellowship, try our program and stay

clean for a period of time. Over time some addicts lost contact with other

recovering addicts and eventually returned to active addiction. They for-

got that it is really the first drug that starts the deadly cycle all over again.

They tried to control it, to use in moderation, or to use just certain drugs.

None of these control methods work for addicts.

Relapse is a reality. It can and does happen. Experience shows that

those who do not work our program of recovery on a daily basis may re-

lapse. We see them come back seeking recovery. Maybe they were clean

for years before their relapse. If they are lucky enough to make it back, they

are shaken badly. They tell us that the relapse was more horrible than ear-

lier use. We have never seen a person who lives the Narcotics Anonymous

Program relapse.

Relapses are often fatal. We have attended funerals of loved ones who

died from a relapse. They died in various ways. Often we see relapsers

lost for years, living in misery. Those who make it to jail or institutions may

survive and perhaps have a reintroduction to N.A.

In our daily lives, we are subject to emotional and spiritual lapses, caus-

ing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of drug use. Be-

cause addiction is an incurable disease, addicts are subject to relapse.

We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never

an accident. Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation in our program.

We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Un-

aware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can

make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs

make life easier. We believe that drugs can change us, and we forget that these

changes are lethal. When we believe that drugs will solve our problems and

64 Narcotics Anonymous

forget what they can do to us, we are in real trouble. Unless the illusions

that we can continue to use or stop using on our own are shattered, we most

certainly sign our own death warrant. For some reason, not taking care of

our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that

repeats itself in all areas of our lives. If we begin to avoid our new respon-

sibilities by missing meetings, neglecting Twelfth Step work, or not getting

involved, our program stops. These are the kinds of things that lead to re-

lapse. We may sense a change coming over us. Our ability to remain open-

minded disappears. We may become angry and resentful toward anyone

or anything. We may begin to reject those who were close to us. We iso-

late ourselves. We become sick of ourselves in a short time. We revert back

to our sickest behavior patterns without even having to use drugs.

When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to

practice the steps can result in a relapse.

Obsessive behavior is a common denominator for addictive people. We

have times when we try to fill ourselves up until we are satisfied, only to

discover that there is no way to satisfy us. Part of our addictive pattern is

that we can never get enough. Sometimes we forget, and we think that if

we can just get enough food or enough sex, or enough money we’ll be sat-

isfied, and everything will be all right. Self-will still leads us to make deci-

sions based on manipulation, ego, lust or false pride. We don’t like to be

wrong. Our egos tell us that we can do it on our own, but loneliness and

paranoia quickly return. We find that we cannot really do it alone; when

we try, things get worse. We need to be reminded of where we came from

and that our disease will get progressively worse if we use. This is when

we need the Fellowship.

We don’t recover overnight. When we realize that we have made a bad

decision or bad judgment, our inclination is to rationalize it. We often be-

come extreme in our self-obsessive attempt to cover our tracks. We forget

that we have a choice today. We get sicker.

There is something in our self-destructive personalities that cries for fail-

ure. Most of us feel that we do not deserve to succeed. This is a common

theme with addicts. Self-pity is one of the most destructive of defects; it

will drain us of all positive energy. We focus on anything that isn’t going

our way and ignore all the beauty in our lives. With no real desire to im-

prove our lives, or even to live, we just keep going further and further down.

Some of us never make it back.

Recovery and Relapse 65

We must relearn many things that we have forgotten and develop a new

approach to life if we are to survive. This is what Narcotics Anonymous is

all about. It is about people who care about desperate, dying addicts and

who can, in time, teach them how to live without drugs. Many of us had

difficulty coming into the Fellowship, because we did not understand that

we have the disease of addiction. We sometimes see our past behavior as

part of ourselves and not part of our disease.

We take the First Step. We admit that we are powerless over our ad-

diction, that our lives have become unmanageable. Slowly things get bet-

ter, and we start getting our confidence back. Our ego tells us that we can

do it on our own. Things are getting better, and we think we really don’t

need this program. Cockiness is a red light indicator. The loneliness and

paranoia will come back. We find out that we can’t do it on our own and

things get worse. We really take the First Step, this time internally. There

will be times, however, when we really feel like using. We want to run,

and we feel lousy. We need to be reminded of where we came from and

that it will be worse this time. This is when we need the program the most.

We realize we must do something.

When we forget the effort and the work that it took us to get a period

of freedom in our lives, a lack of gratitude sinks in, and self-destruction be-

gins again. Unless action is taken immediately, we run the risk of a relapse

that threatens our very existence. Keeping our illusion of reality, rather than

using the tools of the program, will return us to isolation. Loneliness will

kill us inside and the drugs that almost always come next may do the job

completely. The symptoms and the feelings that we experienced at the end

of our using will come back even stronger than before. This impact is sure

to destroy us if we don’t surrender ourselves to the N.A. Program.

Relapse can be the destructive force that kills us or leads us to the real-

ization of who and what we really are. The eventual misery of using is not

worth the temporary escape it might give us. For us, to use is to die, often

in more ways than one.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery seems to be placing un-

realistic expectations on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terri-

bly painful area. We tend to fantasize and project what will happen. We

get angry and resentful if our fantasies are not fulfilled. We forget that we

are powerless over other people. The old thoughts and feelings of loneliness,

despair, helplessness and selfpity creep in. Thoughts of sponsors, meetings,

literature and all other positive input leave our consciousness. We have to

keep our recovery first and our priorities in order.

66 Narcotics Anonymous

Writing about what we want, what we are asking for, what we get, and

sharing this with our sponsor or another trusted person helps us to work

through negative feelings. Letting others share their experience with us

gives us hope that it does get better. It seems that being powerless is a huge

stumbling block. When a need arises for us to admit our powerlessness,

we may first look for ways to exert power against it. After exhausting these

ways, we begin sharing with others, and we find hope. Attending meet-

ings daily, living a day at a time, and reading literature seems to send our

mental attitude back toward the positive. Willingness to try what has

worked for others is vital. Even when we feel that we don’t want to at-

tend, meetings are a source of strength and hope for us.

It is important to share our feelings of wanting to use drugs. It is amaz-

ing how often newcomers think that it is really abnormal for a drug addict

to want to use. When we feel the old urges come over us, we think there

must be something wrong with us, and that other people in Narcotics

Anonymous couldn’t possibly understand.

It is important to remember that the desire to use will pass. We never have

to use again, no matter how we feel. All feelings will eventually pass.

The progression of recovery is a continuous, uphill journey. Without

effort we start the downhill run again. The progression of the disease is an

ongoing process, even during abstinence.

We come here powerless, and the power that we seek comes to us

through other people in Narcotics Anonymous, but we must reach out for

it. Now clean and in the Fellowship, we need to keep ourselves surrounded

by others who know us well. We need each other. Narcotics Anonymous

is a Fellowship of survival, and one of its advantages is that it places us in

intimate, regular contact with the very people who can best understand and

help us in our recovery. Good ideas and good intentions do not help if we

fail to put them into action. Reaching out is the beginning of the struggle

that will set us free. It will break down the walls that imprison us. A symp-

tom of our disease is alienation, and honest sharing will free us to recover.

We are grateful that we were made so welcome at meetings that we felt

comfortable. Without staying clean and coming to those meetings, we

would surely have a rougher time with the steps. Any use of drugs will

interrupt the process of recovery.

We all find that the feeling we get from helping others motivates us to

do better in our own lives. If we are hurting, and most of us do from time

to time, we learn to ask for help. We find that pain shared is pain lessened.

Recovery and Relapse 67

Members of the Fellowship are willing to help a relapser recover and have

insight and useful suggestions to offer when asked. Recovery found in Nar-

cotics Anonymous must come from within, and no one stays clean for any-

one but themselves.

In our disease, we are dealing with a destructive, violent power greater

than ourselves that can lead to relapse. If we have relapsed, it is important

to keep in mind that we must get back to meetings as soon as possible. Oth-

erwise, we may have only months, days, or hours before we reach a thresh-

old where we are gone beyond recall. Our disease is so cunning that it can

get us into impossible situations. When it does, we come back to the pro-

gram if we can, while we can. Once we use, we are under the control of

our disease.

We can never fully recover, no matter how long we stay clean. Com-

placency is the enemy of members with substantial clean time. If we re-

main complacent for long, the recovery process ceases. The disease will

manifest apparent symptoms in us. Denial returns, along with obsession

and compulsion. Guilt, remorse, fear, and pride may become unbearable.

Soon we reach a place where our backs are against the wall. Denial and

the First Step conflict in our minds. If we let the obsession of using over-

come us, we are doomed. Only a complete and total acceptance of the First

Step can save us. We must totally surrender ourselves to the program.

The first thing to do is to stay clean. This makes the other stages of

recovery possible. As long as we stay clean, no matter what, we have the great-

est possible advantage over our disease. For this we are grateful.

Many of us get clean in a protected environment, such as a rehabilita-

tion center or recovery house. When we re-enter the world, we feel lost,

confused and vulnerable. Going to meetings as often as possible will re-

duce the shock of change. Meetings provide a safe place to share with oth-

ers. We begin to live the program; we learn to apply spiritual principles in our

lives. We must use what we learn or we will lose it in a relapse.

Many of us would have had nowhere else to go, if we could not have

trusted N.A. groups and members. At first, we were both captivated and

intimidated by the fellowship. No longer comfortable with our using

friends, we were not yet at home in the meetings. We began to lose our

fear through the experience of sharing. The more we shared, the more our

fears slipped away. We shared for this reason. Growth means change. Spiri-

tual maintenance means ongoing recovery. Isolation is dangerous to spiri-

tual growth.

68 Narcotics Anonymous

Those of us who find the Fellowship and begin to live the steps develop

relationships with others. As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency

to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings. Being honest about our

feelings helps others to identify with us. We find that when we communi-

cate honestly, we reach others. Honesty takes practice, and none of us claims

to be perfect. When we feel trapped or pressured, it takes great spiritual

and emotional strength to be honest. Sharing with others keeps us from

feeling isolated and alone. This process is a creative action of the spirit.

When we work the program, we are living the steps daily. This gives

us experience in applying spiritual principles. The experience that we gain

with time helps our ongoing recovery. We must use what we learn or we

will lose it, no matter how long we have been clean. Eventually we are

shown that we must get honest, or we will use again. We pray for willing-

ness and humility and finally get honest about our mistaken judgments or

bad decisions. We tell those we have harmed that we were to blame and

make whatever amends are necessary. Now we are in the solution again.

We are working the program. It becomes easier to work the program now.

We know that the steps help prevent relapse.

Relapsers may also fall into another trap. We may doubt that we can

stop using and stay clean. We can never stay clean on our own. Frustrated,

we cry, “I cannot do it!” We beat ourselves as we come back into the pro-

gram. We imagine that our fellow members will not respect the courage it

takes to come back. We have learned the utmost respect for that type of

courage. We applaud heartily. It is not shameful to relapse—the shame is

in not coming back. We must smash the illusion that we can do it alone.

Another type of relapse happens when being clean is not the top prior-

ity. Staying clean must always come first. At times, we all experience diffi-

culty in our recovery. Emotional lapses result when we don’t practice what

we have learned. Those who make it through these times show a courage not

their own. After coming through one of these periods, we can readily agree

that it is always darkest before the dawn. Once we get through a difficult time

clean, we are given a tool of recovery that we can use again and again.

If we relapse, we may feel guilt and embarrassment. Our relapse is em-

barrassing, but we cannot save our face and our ass at the same time. We

find that it is best to get back on the program as soon as possible. It is bet-

ter to swallow our pride than to die or to go permanently insane.

As long as we maintain an attitude of thankfulness for being clean, we find

it is easier to remain clean. The best way to express gratitude is by carrying

Recovery and Relapse 69

the message of our experience, strength and hope to the still-suffering addict.

We are ready to work with any suffering addict.

Living the program on a daily basis provides many valuable experi-

ences. If we are plagued by an obsession to use, experience has taught us

to call a fellow recovering addict and get to a meeting.

Using addicts are self-centered, angry, frightened and lonely people. In

recovery, we experience spiritual growth. While using, we were dishonest,

self-seeking and often institutionalized. The program allows us to become

responsible and productive members of society.

As we begin to function in society, our creative freedom helps us sort

our priorities and do the basic things first. Daily practice of our Twelve

Step Program enables us to change from what we were to people guided

by a Higher Power. With the help of our sponsor or spiritual advisor, gradu-

ally we learn to trust and depend on our Higher Power.

CHAPTER EIGHT

WE DO RECOVER

Although “Politics makes strange bedfellows,” as the old saying goes,

addiction makes us one of a kind. Our personal stories may vary in

individual pattern but in the end we all have the same thing in common.

This common illness or disorder is addiction. We know well the two things

that make up true addiction: obsession and compulsion. Obsession — that

fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our particular drug, or

some substitute, to recapture the ease and comfort we once knew.

Compulsion — once having started the process with one fix, one pill, or

one drink we cannot stop through our own power of will. Because of our

physical sensitivity to drugs, we are completely in the grip of a destructive

power greater than ourselves.

When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a

human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma.

What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as

best we can to the bitter ends — jails, institutions or death — or find a new

way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those

who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in man’s entire

history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is

available to us all. This is a simple spiritual — not religious — program,

known as Narcotics Anonymous.

When my addiction brought me to the point of complete powerlessness,

uselessness and surrender some fifteen years ago,

there was no N.A. I found

A.A., and in that Fellowship met addicts who had also found that program to

be the answer to their problem. However, we knew that many were still going

down the road of disillusion, degradation and death, because they were unable

to identify with the alcoholic in A.A. Their identification was at the level of

apparent symptoms and not at the deeper level of emotions or feelings, where

empathy becomes a healing therapy for all addicted people. With several other

addicts and some members of A.A. who had great faith in us and the program,

we formed, in July of 1953, what we now know as Narcotics Anonymous. We

felt that now the addict would find from the start as much identification as

* Written in 1965

We Do Recover 71

each needed to convince himself that he could stay clean, by the example of

others who had recovered for many years.

That this was what was principally needed has proved itself in these

passing years. That wordless language of recognition, belief and faith, which

we call empathy, created the atmosphere in which we could feel time, touch

reality and recognize spiritual values long lost to many of us. In our program

of recovery we are growing in numbers and in strength. Never before have so

many clean addicts, of their own choice and in free society, been able to meet

where they please, to maintain their recovery in complete creative freedom.

Even addicts said it could not be done the way we had it planned. We

believed in openly scheduled meetings—no more hiding as other groups had

tried. We believed this differed from all other methods tried before by those

who advocated long withdrawal from society. We felt that the sooner the

addict could face his problem in everyday living, just that much faster would

he become a real productive citizen. We eventually have to stand on our own

feet and face life on its own terms, so why not from the start.

Because of this, of course, many relapsed and many were lost completely.

However, many stayed and some came back after their setback. The brighter

part is the fact that of those who are now our members, many have long terms

of complete abstinence and are better able to help the newcomer. Their

attitude, based on the spiritual values of our steps and traditions, is the

dynamic force that is bringing increase and unity to our program. Now we

know that the time has come when that tired old lie, “Once an addict, always

an addict,” will no longer be tolerated by either society or the addict himself.

We do recover.

Recovery begins with surrender. From that point, each of us is reminded

that a day clean is a day won. In Narcotics Anonymous, our attitudes,

thoughts and reactions change. We come to realize that we are not alien

and begin to understand and accept who we are.

As long as there have been people, addiction has existed. For us, ad-

diction is an obsession to use the drugs that are destroying us, followed by

a compulsion that forces us to continue. Complete abstinence is the foun-

dation for our new way of life.

In the past, there was no hope for an addict. In Narcotics Anonymous,

we learn to share the loneliness, anger and fear that addicts have in com-

mon and cannot control. Our old ideas are what got us into trouble. We

weren’t oriented toward fulfillment; we focused on the emptiness and

72 Narcotics Anonymous

worthlessness of it all. We could not deal with success, so failure became a

way of life. In recovery, failures are only temporary setbacks rather than

links in an unbreakable chain. Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness

to change are all new attitudes that help us to admit our faults and to ask

for help. We are no longer compelled to act against our true nature and to

do things that we don’t really want to do.

Most addicts resist recovery, and the program we share with them

interferes with their using. If newcomers tell us that they can continue

to use drugs in any form and suffer no ill effects, there are two ways we can

look at it. The first possibility is that they are not addicts. The other is that

their disease has not become apparent to them and that they are still denying

their addiction. Addiction and withdrawal distort rational thought, and new-

comers usually focus on differences rather than similarities. They look for ways

to disprove the evidence of addiction or disqualify themselves from recovery.

Many of us did the same thing when we were new, so when we work

with others we try not to do or say anything that will give them the excuse

to continue using. We know that honesty and empathy are essential. Com-

plete surrender is the key to recovery, and total abstinence is the only thing

that has ever worked for us. In our experience, no addict who has com-

pletely surrendered to this program has ever failed to find recovery.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean

addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of

awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal

state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and to

think of both sides of things. Decision making is rough at first. Before we

got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not

locked into this type of thinking. We are free.

In our recovery, we find it essential to accept reality. Once we can do

this, we do not find it necessary to use drugs in an attempt to change our per-

ceptions. Without drugs, we have a chance to begin functioning as useful hu-

man beings, if we accept ourselves and the world exactly as it is. We learn

that conflicts are a part of reality, and we learn new ways to resolve them in-

stead of running from them. They are a part of the real world. We learn not to

become emotionally involved with problems. We deal with what is at hand

and try not to force solutions. We have learned that if a solution isn’t practical,

i1t isn’t spiritual. In the past, we made simple situations into problems; we

made mountains out of molehills. Our best ideas got us here. In recovery, we

learn to depend on a Power greater than ourselves. We don’t have all the an-

swers or solutions, but we can learn to live without drugs. We can stay clean

and enjoy life, if we remember to live “Just for Today.”

We Do Recover 73

We are not responsible for our disease, only for our recovery. As we

begin to apply what we have learned, our lives begin to change for the bet-

ter. We seek help from addicts who are enjoying lives free from the obses-

sion to use drugs. We do not have to understand this program for it to work.

All we have to do is to follow direction.

We get relief through the Twelve Steps, which are essential to the re-

covery process, because they are a new, spiritual way of life that allows us

to participate in our own recovery.

From the first day, the Twelve Steps become a part of our lives. At first,

we may be filled with negativity, and only allow the First Step to take hold.

Later, we have less fear and can use these tools more fully and to our greater

advantage. We realize that old feelings and fears are symptoms of our dis-

ease. Real freedom is now possible.

As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy

a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that

everyone we meet eventually has something to offer. We become able to

receive as well as to give. Life can become a new adventure for us. We

come to know happiness, joy and freedom.

There is no model of the recovering addict. When the drugs go and

the addict works the program, wonderful things happen. Lost dreams

awaken and new possibilities arise. Our willingness to grow spiritually

keeps us buoyant. When we take the actions indicated in the steps, the re-

sults are a change in our personality. It is our actions that are important.

We leave the results to our Higher Power.

Recovery becomes a contact process; we lose the fear of touching and

of being touched. We learn that a simple, loving hug can make all the dif-

ference in the world when we feel alone. We experience real love and real

friendship.

We know that we are powerless over a disease that is incurable, pro-

gressive and fatal. If not arrested, it gets worse until we die. We cannot

deal with the obsession and compulsion. The only alternative is to stop us-

ing and start learning how to live. When we are willing to follow this course

of action and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life is

possible. In this way, we do recover.

Today, secure in the love of the Fellowship, we can finally look another

human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are.

74 Narcotics Anonymous

CHAPTER NINE

JUST FOR TODAY—

LIVING THE PROGRAM

Tell yourself:

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and

enjoying life without the use of drugs.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in N.A. who believes in me

and wants to help me in my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best

of my ability.

JUST FOR TODAY through N.A. I will try to get a better perspective on

my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new

associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of

life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

We admit that our lives have been unmanageable, but sometimes we

have a problem admitting our need for help. Our own self-will leads to

many problems in our recovery. We want and demand that things al-

ways go our way. We should know from our past experience that our

way of doing things did not work. The principle of surrender guides us

into a way of life in which we draw our strength from a Power greater

than ourselves. Our daily surrender to our Higher Power provides the

help we need. As addicts, we have trouble with acceptance, which is

critical to our recovery. When we refuse to practice acceptance, we are, in

effect, still denying our faith in a Higher Power. Worrying is a lack of faith.

Surrendering our will puts us in contact with a Higher Power who fills

the empty place inside that nothing could ever fill. We learned to trust God

for help daily. Living just for today relieves the burden of the past and the

fear of the future. We learned to take whatever actions are necessary and

to leave the results in the hands of our Higher Power.

Just for Today—Living the Program 75

The Narcotics Anonymous Program is spiritual. We strongly suggest

that members make an attempt to find a Higher Power of their understand-

ing. Some of us have profound spiritual experiences, dramatic and inspi-

rational in nature. For others, the awakening is more subtle. We recover in

an atmosphere of acceptance and respect for one another’s beliefs. We try

to avoid the self-deception of arrogance and self-righteousness. As we de-

velop faith in our daily lives, we find that our Higher Power supplies us

with the strength and guidance that we need.

Each of us is free to work out our own concept of a Higher Power. Many

of us were suspicious and skeptical because of disappointments that we

have had with religion. As new members, the talk of God we heard in meet-

ings repelled us. Until we sought our own answers in this area, we were

trapped in the ideas gathered from our past. Agnostics and atheists some-

times start by just talking to “whatever’s there.” There is a spirit or an en-

ergy that can be felt in the meetings. This is sometimes the newcomer’s

first concept of a Higher Power. Ideas from the past are often incomplete

and unsatisfactory. Everything we know is subject to revision, especially

what we know about the truth. We re-evaluate our old ideas, so we can be-

come acquainted with the new ideas that lead to a new way of life. We recog-

nize that we are human with a physical, mental and spiritual sickness. When

we accept that our addiction caused our own hell and that there is a power

available to help us, we begin to make progress in solving our problems.

Lack of daily maintenance can show up in many ways. Through open-

minded effort, we come to rely on a daily relationship with God as we un-

derstand Him. Each day most of us ask our Higher Power to help us stay

clean, and each night we give thanks for the gift of recovery. As our lives

become more comfortable, many of us lapse into spiritual complacency, and

risking relapse, we find ourselves in the same horror and loss of purpose

from which we have been given only a daily reprieve. This is, hopefully,

when our pain motivates us to renew our daily spiritual maintenance. One

way that we can continue a conscious contact, especially in hard times, is

to list the things for which we are grateful.

Many of us have found that setting aside quiet time for ourselves is help-

ful in making conscious contact with our Higher Power. By quieting the

mind, meditation can lead us to calmness and serenity. This quieting of the

mind can be done in any place, time, or manner, according to the individual.

Our Higher Power is accessible to us at all times. We receive guidance

when we ask for knowledge of God’s will for us. Gradually, as we become

76 Narcotics Anonymous

more God-centered than self-centered, our despair turns to hope. Change

also involves the great source of fear, the unknown. Our Higher Power is

the source of courage that we need to face this fear.

Some things we must accept, others we can change. The wisdom to

know the difference comes with growth in our spiritual program. If we

maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find it easier to deal with the pain

and confusion. This is the emotional stability that we so badly need. With

the help of our Higher Power, we never have to use again.

Any clean addict is a miracle. We keep this miracle alive in ongoing

recovery with positive attitudes. If, after a period of time, we find ourselves

in trouble with our recovery, we have probably stopped doing one or more

of the things that helped us in the earlier stages of our recovery.

Three basic spiritual principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and will-

ingness. These are the HOW of our program. The initial honesty that we

express is the desire to stop using. Next we honestly admit our powerless-

ness and the unmanageability of our lives.

Rigorous honesty is the most important tool in learning to live for to-

day. Although honesty is difficult to practice, it is most rewarding. Hon-

esty is the antidote to our diseased thinking. Our newly found faith serves

as a firm foundation for courage in the future.

What we knew about living before we came to N.A. almost killed us.

Managing our own lives got us to the Narcotics Anonymous Program. We

came to N.A. knowing very little about how to be happy and enjoy life. A

new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind. Being open-minded allows

us to hear something that might save our lives. It allows us to listen to op-

posing points of view, and come to conclusions of our own. Open-

mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives.

It is this principle that allows us to participate in a discussion without jump-

ing to conclusions or predetermining right and wrong. We no longer need to

make fools of ourselves by standing up for nonexistent virtues. We have learned

that it is okay to not know all the answers, for then we are teachable and can

learn to live our new life successfully.

Open-mindedness without willingness, however, will get us nowhere.

We must be willing to do whatever is necessary to recover. We never know

when the time will come when we must put forth all the effort and strength

we have just to stay clean.

Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness work hand in hand. The

lack of one of these principles in our personal program can lead to relapse,

Just for Today—Living the Program 77

and will certainly make recovery difficult and painful when it could be

simple. This program is a vital part of our everyday living. If it were not

for this program, most of us would be dead or institutionalized. Our view-

point changes from that of a loner to that of a member. We emphasize set-

ting our house in order, because it brings us relief. We trust in our Higher

Power for the strength to meet our needs.

One way to practice the principles of HOW is by taking a daily inven-

tory. Our inventory allows us to recognize our daily growth. We shouldn’t

forget about our assets while striving to eliminate our defects. The old self-

deception and self-centeredness can be replaced with spiritual principles.

Staying clean is the first step in facing life. When we practice accep-

tance, our lives are simplified. When problems arise, we hope to be well-

equipped with the tools of the program. We honestly have to surrender our

own self-centeredness and self-destructiveness. In the past, we believed des-

peration would give us the strength to survive. Now we accept responsibility

for our problems and see that we’re equally responsible for our solutions.

As recovering addicts, we come to know gratitude. As our defects are

removed, we are free to become all that we can. We emerge as new indi-

viduals with an awareness of ourselves and the ability to take our places

in the world.

In living the steps, we begin to let go of our self-obsession. We ask a

Higher Power to remove our fear of facing ourselves and life. We redefine

ourselves by working the steps and using the tools of recovery. We see our-

selves differently. Our personalities change. We become feeling people, ca-

pable of responding appropriately to life. We put spiritual living first and learn

to use patience, tolerance and humility in our daily affairs.

Other people in our lives help us to develop trust and loving attitudes,

we demand less and give more. We are slower to anger and quicker to for-

give. We learn about the love that we receive in our Fellowship. We begin to

feel lovable which is a feeling totally alien to our old egocentric selves.

Ego used to control us in all sorts of subtle ways. Anger is our reaction

to our present reality. Resentments are reliving past experiences again and

again, and fear is our response to the future. We need to become willing to

let God remove these defects that burden our spiritual growth.

New ideas are available to us through the sharing of our living experi-

ence. By rigorously practicing the few simple guidelines in this chapter, we

recover daily. The principles of the program shape our personalities.

78 Narcotics Anonymous

From the isolation of our addiction, we find a fellowship of people with

a common bond of recovery. N.A. is like a lifeboat in a sea of isolation, hope-

lessness and destructive chaos. Our faith, strength and hope come from

people sharing their recovery and from our relationship with the God of

our own understanding. At first it feels awkward to share feelings. Part of

the pain of addiction is being cut off from this sharing experience. If we

find ourselves in a bad place or we sense trouble coming, we call someone

or go to a meeting. We learn to seek help before making difficult decisions.

By humbling ourselves and asking for help, we can get through the tough-

est of times. I can’t, we can! In this way we find the strength that we need.

We form a mutual bond, as we share our spiritual and mental resources.

Sharing in regularly scheduled meetings and one-on-one with recover-

ing addicts helps us stay clean. Attending meetings reminds us of what it

is like to be new and of the progressive nature of our disease. Attending

our home group provides encouragement from the people that we get to

know. This sustains our recovery and helps us in our daily living. When

we honestly tell our own story, someone else may identify with us. Serv-

ing the needs of our members and making our message available gives us

a feeling of joy. Service gives us opportunities to grow in ways that touch

all parts of our lives. Our experience in recovery may help them deal with

their problems, what worked for us might work for them. Most addicts

are able to accept this type of sharing, even from the very beginning. The

get-togethers after our meetings are good opportunities to share things that

we didn’t get to discuss during the meeting. This is also a good time to

talk one-on-one with our sponsors. Things we need to hear will surface

and become clear to us.

By sharing the experience of our recovery with newcomers, we help our-

selves stay clean. We share comfort and encouragement with others. To-

day we have people in our lives who stand with us. Getting away from

our self-centeredness gives us a better perspective on life. By asking for

help, we can change. Sharing is risky at times, but by becoming vulner-

able we are able to grow.

Some will come to Narcotics Anonymous still trying to use people to

help them continue their habit. Their closed mind is a barrier against

change. A spirit of open-mindedness, coupled with an admission of pow-

erlessness, is a key that will unlock the door to recovery. If someone with a

drug problem comes to us seeking recovery, and is willing, we gladly share

with them how we stay clean.

Just for Today—Living the Program 79

We develop self-esteem as we help others find a new way of life. When

we honestly evaluate what we have, we can learn to appreciate it. We be-

gin to feel worthwhile by being members of N.A. We can carry the gifts of

recovery with us everywhere. The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous

are a progressive recovery process established in our daily living. Ongo-

ing recovery is dependent on our relationship with a loving God who cares

for us and will do for us what we find impossible to do for ourselves.

During our recovery, each of us comes to our own understanding of the

program. If we have difficulties, we trust our groups, our sponsors and our

Higher Power to guide us. Thus, recovery, as found in Narcotics Anony-

mous, comes both from within and without.

We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we

stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreason-

ably. Patience isn’t a strong point with us. That’s why we need our slo-

gans and our N.A. friends to remind us to live the program just for today.

Tell yourself:

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoy-

ing life without the use of drugs.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in N.A. who believes in me

and wants to help me in my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best

of my ability.

JUST FOR TODAY through N.A. I will try to get a better perspective on my

life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new as-

sociations, people who are not using and who have found a new way

of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

80 Narcotics Anonymous

CHAPTER TEN

MORE WILL BE REVEALED

As our recovery progressed, we became increasingly aware of ourselves

and the world around us. Our needs and wants, our assets and liabilities

were revealed to us. We came to realize that we had no power to change

the outside world, we could only change ourselves. The Program of Nar-

cotics Anonymous provides an opportunity for us to ease the pain of living

through spiritual principles.

We are very fortunate to have had this program. Before, very few people

recognized that addiction was a disease. Recovery was only a dream.

The responsible, productive, drug-free lives of thousands of members

illustrate the effectiveness of our program. Recovery is a reality for us to-

day. By working the steps, we are rebuilding our fractured personalities.

Narcotics Anonymous is a healthy environment for growth. As a fellowship,

we love and cherish one another, supporting our new way of life together.

As we grow, we come to understand humility as acceptance of both our

assets and our liabilities. What we want most is to feel good about our-

selves. Today we have real feelings of love, joy, hope, sadness, excitement.

Our feelings are not our old drug-induced feelings.

Sometimes we find ourselves caught up in old ideas, even with time in

the program. The basics are always important to recovery. We need to avoid

old thinking patterns, both the old ideas and the tendency toward compla-

cency. We cannot afford to become complacent, because our disease is with

us twenty-four hours a day. If, while practicing these principles, we allow

ourselves to feel superior or inferior, we isolate ourselves. We are headed

for trouble if we feel apart from other addicts. Separation from the atmosphere

of recovery and from the spirit of service to others slows our spiritual growth.

Complacency keeps us from good will, love and compassion.

If we are unwilling to listen to others, we will deny the need for im-

provement. We learn to become flexible and to admit when others are right

and we are wrong. As new things are revealed, we feel renewed. We need

to stay open-minded and willing to do that one extra thing, go to one extra

More Will Be Revealed 81

meeting, stay on the phone one extra minute, and help a newcomer stay

clean one extra day. This extra effort is vital to our recovery.

We come to know ourselves for the first time. We experience new sen-

sations: to love, to be loved, to know that people care about us and to have

concern and compassion for others. We find ourselves doing and enjoying

things that we never thought we would be doing. We make mistakes, and

we accept and learn from them. We experience failure, and we learn how

to succeed. Often we have to face some type of crisis during our recovery,

such as the death of a loved one, financial difficulties or divorce. These are

realities of life, and they don’t go away just because we get clean. Some of

us, even after years of recovery, found ourselves jobless, homeless or pen-

niless. We entertained the thought that staying clean was not paying off,

and the old thinking stirred up self-pity, resentment and anger. No matter

how painful life’s tragedies can be for us, one thing is clear, we must not

use, no matter what!

This is a program of total abstinence. There are times, however, such

as in cases of health problems involving surgery and/or extreme physical

injury, when medication may be valid. This does not constitute a license to

use. There is no safe use of drugs for us. Our bodies don’t know the dif-

ference between the drugs prescribed by a physician for pain and the drugs

prescribed by ourselves to get high. As addicts, our skill at self-deception

will be at its peak in such a situation. Often our minds will manufacture

additional pain as an excuse to use. Turning it over to our Higher Power

and getting the support of our sponsor and other members can prevent us

from becoming our own worst enemies. Being alone during such times

would give our disease an opportunity to take over. Honest sharing can

dispel our fears of relapse.

Serious illness or surgery can present particular problems for us. Phy-

sicians should have specific knowledge of our addiction. Remember that

we, not our doctors, are ultimately responsible for our recovery and our de-

cisions. To minimize the danger, there are a few specific options that we

may consider. Using local anesthesia, avoiding our drug of choice, stop-

ping drug use while we are still hurting, and spending extra days in the

hospital in case withdrawal occurs are some of our options.

Whatever pain we experience will pass. Through prayer, meditation and

sharing, we keep our minds off our discomfort and have the strength to keep

our priorities in order. It is imperative to keep N.A. members close to us at

all times, if possible. It is amazing how our minds will go back to our old

82 Narcotics Anonymous

ways and old thinking. You’d be surprised how much pain we can handle

without medication. In this program of total abstinence, however, we need

to feel no guilt after having taken a minimum amount of medication pre-

scribed by an informed professional for extreme physical pain.

We grow through pain in recovery and often find that such a crisis is a

gift, an opportunity to experience growth by living clean. Before recovery,

we were unable to even conceive of the thought that problems brought gifts.

This gift may be finding strength within ourselves or regaining the feeling

of self-respect that we had lost.

Spiritual growth, love, and compassion are idle potentials until shared

with a fellow addict. By giving unconditional love in the Fellowship, we be-

come more loving, and by sharing spiritual growth we become more spiritual.

By carrying this message to another addict, we are reminded of our own

beginnings. Having had an opportunity to remember old feelings and be-

haviors, we are able to see our own personal and spiritual growth. In the

process of answering the questions of another, our own thinking becomes

clearer. Newer members are a constant source of hope, ever reminding us

that the program works. We have the opportunity to live the knowledge

acquired by staying clean, when we work with newcomers.

We have learned to value the respect of others. We are pleased when

people depend on us. For the first time in our lives, we may be asked to

serve in positions of responsibility in community organizations outside of

N.A. Our opinions are sought and valued by non-addicts in areas other

than addiction and recovery. We can enjoy our families in a new way and

may become a credit to them instead of an embarrassment or a burden.

They can be proud of us today. Our individual interests can broaden to

include social or even political issues. Hobbies and recreation give us new

pleasure. It gives us good feelings to know that aside from our value to

others as recovering addicts, we are also of value as human beings.

The reinforcement received by sponsorship is limitless. We spent years

taking from others in every conceivable way. Words cannot describe the

sense of spiritual awareness that we receive when we have given something,

no matter how small, to another person.

We are each other’s eyes and ears. When we do something wrong, our

fellow addicts help us by showing us what we cannot see. We sometimes

find ourselves caught up in old ideas. We need to constantly review our

feelings and thoughts if we are to stay enthusiastic and grow spiritually.

This enthusiasm will aid our ongoing recovery.

More Will Be Revealed 83

Today we have the freedom of choice. As we work the program to the

best of our ability, the obsession with self is removed. Much of our loneli-

ness and fear is replaced by the love and security of the Fellowship. Help-

ing a suffering addict is one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. We

are willing to help. We have had similar experiences and understand fel-

low addicts as no one else can. We offer hope, for we know that a better

way of life is now real for us, and we give love because it was given so

freely to us. New frontiers are open to us as we learn how to love. Love

can be the flow of life energy from one person to another. By caring, shar-

ing, and praying for others, we become a part of them. Through empathy,

we allow addicts to become part of us.

As we do this, we undergo a vital spiritual experience and are changed.

On a practical level, changes occur because what’s appropriate to one phase

of recovery may not be for another. We constantly let go of what has served

its purpose, and let God guide us through the current phase with what

works here and now.

As we become more God-reliant and gain more self-respect, we realize

that we don’t need to feel superior or inferior to anyone. Our real value is

in being ourselves. Our egos, once so large and dominant, now take a back

seat because we are in harmony with a loving God. We find that we lead

richer, happier and much fuller lives when we lose self-will.

We become able to make wise and loving decisions, based on principles

and ideals that have real value in our lives. By shaping our thoughts with

spiritual ideals, we are freed to become who we want to be. What we had

feared, we can now overcome through our dependence on a loving God. Faith

has replaced our fear and given us freedom from ourselves.

In recovery, we also strive for gratitude. We feel grateful for ongoing God-

consciousness. Whenever we confront a difficulty that we do not think we can

handle, we ask God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

A spiritual awakening is an ongoing process. We experience a wider

view of reality as we grow spiritually. An opening of our minds to new

spiritual and physical experiences is the key to better awareness. As we

grow spiritually we become attuned to our feelings and our purpose in life.

By loving ourselves, we become able to truly love others. This is a spiri-

tual awakening that comes as a result of living this program. We find our-

selves daring to care and love!

Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability

to love, were sharply affected by our drug use. Living skills were reduced to

84 Narcotics Anonymous

the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was

lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state.

In time, through recovery, our dreams come true. We don’t mean that

we necessarily become rich or famous. However, by realizing the will of

our Higher Power, dreams do come true in recovery.

One of the continuing miracles of recovery is becoming a productive,

responsible member of society. We need to tread carefully into areas that

expose us to ego-inflating experience, prestige and manipulation that may

be difficult for us. We have found that the way to remain a productive, re-

sponsible member of society is to put our recovery first. N.A. can survive

without us, but we cannot survive without N.A.

Narcotics Anonymous offers only one promise and that is freedom from

active addiction, the solution that eluded us for so long. We will be freed

from our self-made prisons.

Living just for today, we have no way of knowing what will happen to

us. We are often amazed at how things work out for us. We are recovering

in the here and now and the future becomes an exciting journey. If we had

written down our list of expectations when we came to the program, we

would have been cheating ourselves. Hopeless living problems have be-

come joyously changed. Our disease has been arrested, and now anything

is possible.

We become increasingly open-minded and open to new ideas in all ar-

eas of our lives. Through active listening, we hear things that work for us.

This ability to listen is a gift and grows as we grow spiritually. Life takes

on a new meaning when we open ourselves to this gift. In order to receive,

we must be willing to give.

In recovery, our ideas of fun change. We are now free to enjoy the simple

things in life, like fellowship and living in harmony with nature. We now

have become free to develop a new understanding of life. As we look back,

we are grateful for our new life. It is so unlike the events that brought us here.

While using, we thought that we had fun and that non-users were de-

prived of it. Spirituality enables us to live life to its fullest, feeling grateful

for who we are and for what we have done in life. Since the beginning of

our recovery, we have found that joy doesn’t come from material things,

but from within ourselves. We find that when we lose self-

obsession, we are able to understand what it means to be happy, joyous,

and free. Indescribable joy comes from sharing from the heart, we no longer

need to lie to gain acceptance.

More Will Be Revealed 85

Narcotics Anonymous offers addicts a program of recovery that is more

than just a life without drugs. Not only is this way of life better than the

hell we lived, it is better than any life that we have ever known.

We have found a way out, and we see it work for others. Each day more

will be revealed.

BOOK TWO

PERSONAL STORIES

“My gratitude speaks,

When I care and

When I share with others

the N.A. way.”

A Gift Called Life 87

A GIFT CALLED LIFE

I had always said that I would never use drugs. Looking back, everything

I said I wouldn’t do, I ended up doing. The first time I used drugs, I started

with pot. I didn’t like it, but I got used to it. If I didn’t use it, I didn’t feel

“cool.”

I had a good job at the time; it was “the place” to work when you left

high school. I was expelled from school in the tenth grade for starting a

riot. For me, just landing that job was fortunate. I was hanging out at the

pool hall before work. Around three or four o’clock, I started to feel tired

and someone said, “Try some of this. It will help you stay awake at work

tonight.” I didn’t even ask what it was; I just opened my mouth. Within

twenty minutes, I felt like a new person; I could talk to people I was nor-

mally afraid of; I felt better than them. I started to take about ten diet pills

a day. My logic was that if just two made me feel so good, why not try

ten! It worked! But after six months, I started to miss work. I lost fifty

pounds, my hair started to fall out, and my teeth started to hurt.

One day at the pool hall, a close friend said, “Hey, try some of this. You

shoot it in your arm.” Once again I said, “I’ll never do that,” but about

one hour later, I tried it. From that day, I was in love with it. I never cheated

on it. If it said jump, I would jump. I even quit my job, because some-

thing like this was too good to miss. I always wanted to forget my prob-

lems. With heroin, I could. It always fixed me. It cost a lot of money, so I

did it only when I had the money.

When I started selling heroin, I got ripped off a few times. I can re-

member saying, “Boy, are those guys in bad shape when they rip off their

friends.”

Well, six months later, I started ripping them off. I always wanted

people to come to me for answers. I liked that power. So when I got my

income tax return check, I bought some heroin, sold all of it, but saved one

shot for me. It sold fast; I made a quick buck, and got a free high. I felt

88 Narcotics Anonymous

like a king, and I had control. Everyone came to me for heroin, because I

dropped the price. When all the other people had shot their supply, I was

the only one holding. Then I raised the price, and started using more than

I was selling. I didn’t want to do that, but I had no choice. I didn’t know

that I was controlled by the drug at the time. I thought that I was handling

it okay.

I lived in Lancaster, Pennsylvania at the time. One day, the man I got

my drugs from asked if I would be willing to take a chance and go to Puerto

Rico with him to purchase some heroin. My answer was, “Sure, why not!”

We could have been busted while getting on the plane to come back home.

I had brought some heroin with me and wrapped it in foil. When we went

through airline screening procedures, they didn’t check me. I got away that

time; I was lucky. We came back, and my luck ran out. I got busted for a

series of crimes consisting of six felonies. This was my first time in jail, and

I was afraid of all the things that I heard from the streets. A lot of it was

true, and some of it wasn’t. That didn’t make me any less afraid. I stayed

for one week and was bailed out. Two months later, I got busted for pos-

session of one ounce of heroin and went back to jail. Again, I stayed for

one week and was bailed out. Only two weeks later, I got busted again for

breaking into someone’s house in broad daylight. In order to supply my

habit I had started to rip off everyone, my family, my friends, and strang-

ers. I knew I was going to jail this time, so I just gave up. My sentence

was two separate terms, each eleven and a half to twenty-three months in

jail. I spent thirteen months in jail and got out on early parole.

When I got out, I made a promise to myself to limit my heroin use to

the weekends. I didn’t know anything about addiction. Little did I know

that it was the first fix that started me. Everyone I knew either went to jail

for five to ten years, overdosed on drugs, or was an addict. Consequently,

I was led right back to the streets. In only two weeks, I was worse than I

was before I started again. Lenny, the only friend that I had, and his sister

gave me $1,000.00 to pay off my parole officer in order to move to Florida.

In my heart, that’s what I wanted to do, but my addiction was too great. I

got the money and said to myself, “Buy some drugs, sell them, and have

spending money when you get to Florida.” I went to New York with the

money, bought the heroin, but put it all in my arm. Now what was I going

to tell them? The excuse-making and story-telling was over. I was addicted!

I came back to Pennsylvania, and for the first time in my addiction, I felt

guilt. Lenny came to see me and didn’t want to hear any more stories or

A Gift Called Life 89

excuses. He said, “You need help when you rip me off, your friend. You’re

in trouble.” I knew that he was right.

I accepted his invitation to stay with him and his wife until I got help.

I felt like hell in my guts. I called my parole officer and told him I wanted

to go away somewhere for help. He sent me to a treatment center in North

Central Pennsylvania. I heard a lot of bad things about this place, but I

didn’t care. My back was against the wall, and I was tired of living the

way I was living. Even though I didn’t really want to stop using heroin, I

went to the center. I stayed there for sixty days.

Looking back, this was the best thing that ever happened to me. Be-

fore I got there, I believed once an addict, always an addict. I believed that

I’d never be able to stop. They showed me a new way of life, a way to

cope with being an addict. I decided to move to the area. There were four

N.A. meetings each week, and I went to all of them. I also got a sponsor

and went to a lot of discussion meetings. It helped me to a degree, but the

only time I felt strong was at a meeting or after one. Before the meetings, I

was always thinking about getting high. This feeling lasted for about six

months. Then some good things started to happen to me. They asked me

to speak at a meeting. I felt part of the meeting that night. It made me feel

good about what I was doing. I started to go to N.A. meetings in prison

and helped to start new N.A. meetings.

Then I fell in love. Looking back, I was in heat. This new life and ev-

erything in it was a new ball game. Now, I not only had to deal with me

but with someone else too. I was clean for one year and not ready for all

of the new things that were expected of me. I tried as hard as I could, and

so did she. We moved to Western Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, there was

no N.A. within 300 miles. So I went to other Twelve Step Programs for that

year. The members were all older than I, not that that should matter, but I

felt alone. Well, I came home from work one day and my wife said, “Get

out! I don’t love you anymore!” I felt like someone had put a knife into

my heart and turned it around a few times. With no possible reconcilia-

tion in sight, I leaned on a few people to get me through this adjustment.

My sponsor suggested working the Twelve Steps, and when your knees

knock, kneel. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time on my knees. I also re-

lied on N.A. literature, because there were no N.A. meetings around me. I

asked God as we understand Him to come into my life and take some of

the pain. He did. My life became a lot better and easier to bear after that.

90 Narcotics Anonymous

Then God used me with the aid of other people in starting our first N.A.

meeting in our area. At that time in our tri-state area, there was not one

N.A. meeting in West Virginia, Ohio, or Western Pennsylvania. I did the

best I could, as we all did. We now have approximately seventy-five meet-

ings in a one hundred mile radius. We have a hot line, an area service com-

mittee, and a regional service committee. I attended the World Service

Conference two years ago. When I came back, I did some public informa-

tion work in radio, television, and newspaper.

A while later, I started to date the disc jockey from the radio station

where we broadcasted public information. We had a lot of fun together.

We went to the first East Coast Convention, where she was the disc jockey.

We started to make plans for our marriage. As most normal relationships

go, we had a fight on the phone one night. But a real shock came the next

day when her mother called to tell me that she had been killed in a car ac-

cident that night. I felt like killing myself. I knew there was pain coming,

pain I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to turn to drugs either, because I

knew that was not the answer. I called my friend and just started crying.

He came over to my house and gave me a big hug and said, “Just tell me

you didn’t get high.” Somehow I knew everything would be all right, and

I guess out of relief, I started to laugh. I continued to rely on N.A. even

more. I went to more meetings, talked about it and before I knew it, the

pain was easing and I was handling it without using drugs. I asked God

to come into my heart, and I thanked Him for putting her briefly into my

life. Now I know that everything I have is only borrowed from God.

I met someone very special after that and got married. She is also in

N.A. I am working on my seventh clean year. My life is a lot better today

than it has ever been. I am happy, and I feel good about myself. I still go

to five meetings a week. It helps to be in contact with people who have the

same problem that I have. All of my friends are through N.A., N.A. saved

my life! N.A. is my life!

If I Can Do It, So Can You 91

IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU

My first introduction to drugs was at the age of fifteen. A friend gave me

some speed, and I fell in love. As I approached high school, I had the dis-

tinct impression that I could jump right over the building. I never forgot

that surge of power that I associated with speed. I sought to recapture that

same feeling for many years.

I think that I was predisposed to addiction. Deep inside, I had feelings

of inadequacy and inferiority. In my twisted thinking, it seemed logical that

if I could stay up twenty-four hours a day, I could catch up with everyone

and be as good as them. It took a lot of pain and many years of abuse be-

fore I realized that no matter how much speed I took, I could never feel that

I was okay.

The next eight years of my life were a nightmare of compulsive achieve-

ments coupled with large quantities of speed and other drugs. I graduated

from high school at the age of sixteen, on the Dean’s List. That was fol-

lowed by two different Bachelor’s degrees, both with honors. Yet, I still felt

that it wasn’t enough. I was caught in a deadly cycle. I knew that I couldn’t

go on to graduate school without speed, and I knew that speed was killing me.

In the process of my using, I tried many other drugs. Foolishly, I would

boast of all the different drugs I had used. But I made a distinction between

party drugs, such as hallucinogenics, alcohol, cocaine and marijuana, and

serious drugs such as heroin and speed. I used speed, because I thought I

had a real need for it. I didn’t know how to function without it. I figured

there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t as efficient as other

people. I had to constantly prove myself. I flaunted my degrees and my

achievements in order to win acceptance. Today, I know that those gnawing

feelings of inferiority are a part of my addiction.

Drugs were my god and I prostrated myself before them. I lied to my-

self and to others, used people, conned them and stole from them. Deep

down, I loathed myself for these actions, but I didn’t know how to identify

or to express my feelings. My habit had progressed to the level where I

92 Narcotics Anonymous

would stay up for a week at a time. During these runs, I would become so

irrational that I could not even carry on a conversation. I hallucinated vi-

sually and aurally, became extremely forgetful and needless to say irritable

and grouchy. Then I would level off, and no matter how much speed I took,

I couldn’t get any higher. My body would ache for sleep, but my mind

would race. I was caught at a halfway point where I could neither stay up

nor sleep. It was at these times when inordinate paranoia and depression

would set in. Sometimes I would try taking barbiturates to put me to sleep,

but each time I became ill and vomitted them up.

Many people, including my family, tried to convince me to give up

drugs. But I was impatient with them, insisting that they just didn’t un-

derstand. I justified my using, saying that I never used drugs “just for a

good time,” but only when I needed them, which became all of the time. I

developed a passion for drugs. I would steal pills from people’s medicine

cabinets and look them up in a Physician’s Desk Reference to see why they

were used. Inevitably, I would develop the exact symptoms alleviated by

a particular pill. There was no length to which I would not go to rational-

ize my using.

As with anyone who abuses mind-altering chemicals, my life was cha-

otic and unmanageable. I was well aware of it, but I never dreamed it had

anything to do with my addiction. I blamed other people, neighborhoods,

jobs and cities for the problems I was having. I tried the geographic cure

six times, driving across the country, alone each time. Running scared, I

always ran to the same place, Minneapolis, where I was raised, and San Di-

ego where I went to school. I quit jobs at random and moved frequently. I

got arrested, overdosed, and finally suicidal depression set in. But I still

wouldn’t give up my drugs.

What finally made an impression on me was a series of events that hap-

pened in rapid succession. My world started falling apart when my brother

killed himself. Three months later, I experienced a sudden and severe hear-

ing loss. The coup de grace was my boyfriend of three years breaking up

with me. Devastated, I felt totally alone and abandoned. I couldn’t com-

municate with anyone, and again, I felt that no one understood. Instinc-

tively, I realized that the speed was the cause of my hearing loss. Terrified

of losing my remaining hearing, I resolved never to use speed again. Not

understanding my addictive personality, I thought if I abstained from speed,

everything would be fine. But everything only got worse, because I then

began abusing alcohol, marijuana and food. Because I did not have a program

If I Can Do It, So Can You 93

or knowledge of my condition, only fear and resolution, the time came when

I used again. This time, things were looking up for me. I had purchased

hearing aids and gone through therapy. I really felt like I had conquered

my problems. I had no mental defense whatsoever. When it was offered, I

indulged, without thinking twice about it. After I was high, I remembered

that I had quit using drugs! Once again, I resolved never to use narcotics

again. This time, I allowed myself organic drugs, like psylocybin, marijuana

and mescalin. Surely they wouldn’t harm me like the speed had.

Ignoring my drug problem completely, I became concerned with my in-

creasing weight. I got involved in another Twelve Step Program but expe-

rienced no success. For a year, I continued insanely abusing drugs, alcohol

and food, but I kept going back to meetings. The members kept question-

ing me about my drug usage and suggested I try N.A. Finally, I agreed to

go, only so they would stop bothering me about it.

I went to the N.A. meetings stoned and didn’t remember anything I

heard. I am not sure why I kept going back. Perhaps the love and accep-

tance in those rooms was what drew me. I continued this way for five

months, calling myself clean, because I was not using speed. But after a

few months, I started sharing with other addicts that I was still using mari-

juana. To my surprise, they did not make any kind of judgment, but merely

shared their own experience. They had discovered that they couldn’t re-

cover unless they abstained from all drugs. But I was overly sensitive and

distrustful, I argued adamantly that marijuana wasn’t a drug, that it was

no worse than cigarettes. They only smiled and asked me to keep coming

back. It took five months of going to meetings, using, and watching them,

for me to finally get some hope. Before I didn’t believe that it was possible

to give up drugs entirely, so I maintained that I didn’t want to stop (just in

case I failed). But after five months, I began to believe that recovery really

was possible. I saw the same people week after week, and they stayed clean.

I knew from the way they talked that they were true addicts just like me, and I

began to feel that I belonged. Best of all, I began to feel hopeful. I saw a way

out of the vicious drug circle.

The miraculous day of my last high came shortly after New Year’s Day.

It was cold and raining in San Diego, and I was fed up with everyone. The

holidays had been a let-down. I didn’t get the gifts or attention that I

wanted, and a man that I had been dating rejected me. I proceeded to use

all of my favorites, marijuana, alcohol and food, straight into oblivion.

Hours later, it stopped raining. I woke up and went out into the back yard.

94 Narcotics Anonymous

I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids. As I stood looking down on a beautiful

canyon, I began to pray. I didn’t know to whom or to what I was talking,

but I was asking. I wanted what those people in N.A. had—HOPE. I felt

desperate, alone and helpless. When I finished my prayer, I stood quietly

alone for a few minutes. Very soon, I heard the sweet chimes of the phone

ringing. It has never sounded so good as it did that day I heard the phone

ring fifty feet or more away without my hearing aids! I burst into joyful

tears at just being able to hear it, and I ran all the way to answer it. The

person on the other end was an N.A. member that I knew well. He asked

me if I was going to a meeting that night. I hadn’t even considered a meet-

ing that night, and I told him how I gotten high again that day. His reac-

tion was totally unexpected, he was concerned! It had never mattered to

anyone before whether I got high or not. And, I must point out, that I was

not romantically involved with this man. He merely expressed the concern

of the N.A. Fellowship. When I went to the meeting that night, and shared

what had happened, many people gave me their phone numbers. They

made me promise to call before I used again. Miracle that it is, I haven’t used

since.

Like the addicts who had shared with me, I found that growth began

once I abstained from all drugs. I was successful in the other Twelve Step

Program, once I got clean. Those addicts encouraged me and assured me

through all the ups and downs of my early recovery. They entreated me to

get a sponsor, and I did. This woman patiently led me through the steps.

My Higher Power, at first, was the N.A. Fellowship. It represented good-

ness and caring, and I trusted those recovering addicts. But eventually, the

time came when I was alone, in the middle of the day with no meeting, and

I wanted to use. I saw that I needed a Higher Power that would be with

me twenty-four hours a day, just as my addiction is with me twenty-four

hours a day. I began to pray, “Reveal yourself to me.” I didn’t know who I

was talking to, but I did it for two weeks. What happened was that I be-

gan to see evidence of God in the people around me and even in my own

life. So many things happened that were too coincidental. There just had

to be a God! It took some time for me to trust my new friend enough to work

the Third Step. I had to get rid of all my old fears and ideas of the God that I

knew as a child.

Eventually, I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the

care of God as I understand Him. I went on with the steps and I began to

change. My self-seeking, dishonesty and other character defects were revealed

If I Can Do It, So Can You 95

to me, and they caused me pain. I no longer want to live the way I used

to. I asked my God to remove my defects of character. But instead of magi-

cally disappearing, as I expected, He has been showing me where and when

I’m doing them, and how to change. I saw that in order to get over my

fear of people, I had to go to those I feared the most and make amends for

my past behavior. When I stop being dishonest, I can stop hiding and I’m

no longer afraid of being found out. I can look people in the eye with some

self-respect, because I’ve done my best to set matters right. I don’t live the

old way today.

All of my character defects haven’t been removed. I’m not always se-

rene and happy. I’m not cured or perfect yet. Every day I see areas where I

need to grow. But I know today, that as I continue in the Fellowship of N.A.,

working the steps, listening to my sponsor and my Higher Power, I will con-

tinue to grow emotionally and spiritually. I pray on a daily basis, asking my

Higher Power to help me stay clean one more day. I ask Him to run my life,

and to give me the power to carry out His will.

I like the person that I’m becoming as a result of working the steps. I’ve

learned that as an addict, my natural disposition is to be high. In order for

me to abstain from drugs, I’ve got to change. The Twelve Steps of Narcot-

ics Anonymous are the only things that have ever changed me for the bet-

ter. I can’t possibly express in words the gratitude I feel for my recovery in

N.A. For the first time, my life is precious to me! The fellowship is very

dear to me also, and I share the gift of recovery through service. I have

had several jobs in the service structure of N.A., and I find them rewarding

as well as helpful. Service helps me stay clean. There have been many times

when I have wanted to mope over my own problems, and I have received

a phone call from another member needing something. Inevitably, in try-

ing to help them, I forgot about myself and my horrible problems and stayed

clean another day.

My story is not unique. Hundreds of addicts have told their stories and

I see how we are similar in some ways. If I can recover in the N.A. Fellow-

ship, so can you! If you are an addict, why not give yourself a chance and

try N.A.? It costs nothing to join, and at least for me, I didn’t have much

left to lose.

96 Narcotics Anonymous

AN INDIAN WITHOUT A TRIBE

Loneliness is something that I’ve lived with for years. From the time I was

a child, people always let me know that I was different. This was fun for a

while. In later years, my feeling of being different was one of the things

that brought me to the Program of Narcotics Anonymous.

I grew up in a Texas town. I was one of those kids from the “other side

of the tracks.” I was the middle child with a brother eight years older. I

always wanted to be like him, so I would tag along with him and his friends.

They used to get me loaded. I always got high to a point of not remember-

ing what had happened the night before. This phase lasted about four years.

My brother got busted, and the phase ended.

I came down with hepatitis, and ended up in the hospital. This was

the first of many institutions for me. The doctor told me to quit using drugs.

He was the first to tell me that I had a drug problem. I knew he was right.

I thought that everyone had a place in life, and mine was to be a drug ad-

dict. I accepted this place completely. I didn’t think anyone could change

it. After my bout with hepatitis, I returned to drugs. I became addicted to

heroin. I was fourteen years old. Heroin was the answer to all my prob-

lems. It made me feel like I could finally fit in. No longer did I feel differ-

ent. All are equal in addiction.

I was kicked out of my house, and I swore never to return. For the next

three years, I ran the streets, traveling all over the country, looking for that

place where things would be different. I got busted for possession, so I

joined the army to beat the case.

This was going to solve my problems. I was shipped to Vietnam, where I

really got further down in my addiction. Not long after I arrived in Vietnam, I

was arrested again. This time, they sent me to a hospital in Germany for drug

abusers. I really liked it there. There were plenty of drugs available, and they

were really cheap. Mistakenly, I thought the hospital had cured me. Soon af-

ter I got out of the hospital, I was discharged from the military for failure to

rehabilitate. I was sent home with a drug habit.

An Indian Without a Tribe 97

The drugs on the streets weren’t strong enough for me, so I ended up

on a methadone program. This was “cleaning up” I thought.

Not long after I got home, I was arrested again. This time I went to

prison. That was in the latter part of 1974. I became institutionalized very

quickly.

I was released from prison in 1977, right before Thanksgiving. I remem-

ber how frightened I was of all people. A part of me wanted to be back in

prison. I got high to cover up those feelings. Before I knew it, there I was

again—addicted.

I had a job and was working steadily, but my life wasn’t working; I was

still drug dependent. This was the beginning of the end, the start of my

recovery. I was in a state of hopeless desperation; I just wanted to lay down

and die.

I looked for a methadone program, but none were available. My boss

asked me the next day what was wrong with me. Before I knew it, I was

telling him the truth. I said I was a drug addict. He asked me if I wanted

help. I told him, “yes.”

This was the first of many spiritual awakenings. I went to a hospital in

Louisiana and from there to a halfway house. This is where I found Nar-

cotics Anonymous. N.A. was the tribe I never had. I found the same type

of people that I had run with on the streets. There was something different

about them. They had a peace I wanted.

The first six months of my recovery were hard. I couldn’t talk without

making everything rhyme. I had no control over this, so I stayed frustrated.

My head would jerk at the oddest times. My arms would fly up without

my permission. Through all these problems, the people of the Fellowship

kept telling me to come back. I did.

I was told to get a sponsor, attend a lot of meetings, get phone num-

bers and get involved. I tried to do all these things. I was introduced to

the steps and traditions. I got involved early in my clean time. I picked up

ash trays, made coffee, and did everything I was asked to do. I gained some

self-respect from these actions. Before, I had thought I was worthless. The

people in the meetings loved me and guided me back to reality. Through

working the steps and gaining a working knowledge of the traditions, re-

covery became exciting. My old patterns of behavior started to leave me. I

didn’t react to things in the same ways I had in the past.

I first got involved in service work during my second month in N.A.

This involvement has formed the backbone of my program. It gave me a

feeling that I had something to give.

98 Narcotics Anonymous

I have had the good fortune to be involved with a lot of people all over

the country who are doing the same thing I am: staying clean. I found that

this program works like my addiction did; it gives me all I need to keep

from getting sick. When I was using, sometimes I would get a little extra.

Now, the same is true in the program. I get that little extra with every spiri-

tual experience, and my service work brings me one spiritual experience

after another. This is what keeps me coming back. I go to meetings daily,

and talk to someone who is doing the same thing that I am: caring and shar-

ing the N.A. way. This is what allows me to take a back seat and let my

Higher Power take over the wheel.

I’ll always be grateful to N.A. for taking me from the depths of my ad-

diction and giving me life. A life that is full of love and true concern for

others. These are feelings that I never thought could be possible for me.

As long as I take it easy and make a commitment with my Higher Power

to do the best I can, I know I will be taken care of today. I’ve come to be-

lieve in miracles for I am one.

In Search of a Friend 99

IN SEARCH OF A FRIEND

I turned on with marijuana four years ago. I was thirty-five years old and

had a very responsible job as office manager for a small firm. I was a

workaholic and spent long hours and weekends at my job. I was always

tired and did not have a social life, other than sporadic one-night stands

that never developed into any deeper relationships. I felt martyred and

overworked.

I’d avoided street drugs even though my family had used them spo-

radically. They were illegal, and I was a law-abiding WASP. I had a few

long-term encounters with prescription drugs, downers, pain killers, and

weight loss pills in the past. I never had a problem with them, because

they were legal.

In 1977, the possession of marijuana was considered a misdemeanor in

Oregon, and many of my friends were getting high. I began spending week-

ends playing pinball for hours to relax with a friend who smoked pot regu-

larly. We’d sit in the car while he got loaded, then play pinball till he came

down. We’d return to the car, and he’d smoke another joint. After a few

months of weekends, I began encouraging him to smoke more often, be-

cause it made my pinball stroke better. After several months of my contact

highs, I finally smoked my first joint and loved it. Within six weeks, I was

buying $75 to $100 worth of marijuana a week. At first, I only smoked af-

ter work, to relax. I needed something special, because I worked such long

hours. I smoked every night, then from Friday night till the wee hours Sun-

day night. Soon I found being loaded helped my attitude while driving in

freeway traffic. I felt so mellow! So I began smoking on the way to work

in the morning.

My lifestyle had suddenly changed. Everything seemed to be moving

faster than I could handle. I became very emotional and felt a sense of panic

because I couldn’t assimilate all the vivid new perceptions pot was show-

ing me. I needed time to sit back and sort everything out.

100 Narcotics Anonymous

Within ten months of my first joint, I’d quit my job, sold all my furni-

ture, and was living out of my car. I lived on unemployment benefits for a

while until they ran out and then I took a waitress job. I was unable to

cope with any job that required concentration. I moved in with my sister

and her children. Quite often there wasn’t enough money to pay the rent,

but I always had pot. I began feeling despair and depression daily. I needed

to get loaded to face each day.

A little over two years ago, some friends took me to another Twelve Step

Program to deal with my weight problem. During this long depression, I’d

gained almost a hundred pounds. I began attending these meetings regu-

larly, always loaded. I hated meetings, but had nowhere else to go. Quite

often I’d fall asleep there and wake up as the meeting ended and people

were leaving.

I went to a marathon of this other Twelve Step Program last summer,

and spent most of the time alone in the woods, getting loaded. However, I

did ask a sponsor to read my Fourth Step inventory so I could complete

Step Five. After reading my pages and pages of rambling inventory, (I’d

always been loaded when I wrote), she very gently suggested that I might

want to take a look at my pot smoking sometime.

The marijuana didn’t seem to be getting me high anymore, so about a

month later I tried to quit. I couldn’t! I would try to go just one day with-

out using, but would find myself pacing the floor unable to focus my con-

centration on anything else but pot. I thought I was going to go insane. I

couldn’t get high, but it hurt too much to stop smoking dope. I began look-

ing for another connection who could supply me with something that would

work for me.

One night at a meeting of this other Twelve Step Program, I’d listened

to several people sharing their experience, strength, and hope. I stood up

when it was my turn and began to cry. I couldn’t look those people in the

eye. I felt like a hypocrite. The rigorous honesty of the program had me. I

told them that I was loaded and had been at every meeting and function

that I’d attended. I felt like a thief. Several people put their arms around

me and said keep coming back! I found a piece of paper in my hand with

the phone number of Narcotics Anonymous and the names of several people

who had been clean for a long time.

I went to my first N.A. meeting the next night, terrified. I knew I wasn’t

a junkie, but I was hurting so badly I thought I might hear something that

could help me to stop smoking any more dope.

In Search of a Friend 101

A tall, blonde woman welcomed me and gave me a cup of coffee. I was

so nervous and uncomfortable. I’d smoked a joint before leaving for a meet-

ing, but it had not worked, and my jaws ached from clenching my teeth.

She sat next to me and told me she’d stopped shooting heroin three years

ago. She showed me ulcer scars on her legs, then introduced me to another

woman who had a problem with marijuana and would be celebrating her

first year clean in two weeks.

I cried all through the meeting. I felt such a sense of grief and loss, be-

cause pot had become my lover and husband, mother and father and best

friend. And it wouldn’t work anymore. After the meeting, these two

women took me out for coffee, gave me their phone numbers and told me

to call them. They suggested I attend ninety meetings in my first ninety

days. I couldn’t imagine how I could find the time to do that, but after the

first three weeks of attending only one or two meetings a week and not

smoking dope between meetings, I found the time! It was too uncomfort-

able when I was alone without dope. In the meetings, I heard things that

kept me clean and hoping for peace till the next meeting.

I soon got a sponsor, because I couldn’t do it alone. I needed someone

who could answer questions and reassure me that I could live without us-

ing drugs of any kind. That was a giant step for me—to reach out to some-

one and admit that I needed support. And learning to trust another human

being was a second giant step. I talk to her several times a week. More

importantly, I listen to her, I respect her, because she’s been where I’ve been,

and she’s clean today. She helps me work the steps of the program and

she cares about my life.

Through N.A., I’ve come to understand that I was an addict long be-

fore I ever used drugs. And I will be an addict as long as I live. But if I

stay clean today from all mind-altering chemicals, I have a chance for a life

of quality. Before N.A. found me, I felt something crucial to my survival

missing in my life. As though at birth, every child had been issued a book

of instructions on how to live, except me. My life was spent in quiet des-

peration, trying to figure out on my own how to do it. Today, through N.A.

and my Higher Power, I’ve got my instructions: the Twelve Steps and the

program.

102 Narcotics Anonymous

102

I WAS UNIQUE

I had nowhere to turn, I felt that no one could help me, as my situation

was so much different from others. I thought that I was doomed to con-

tinue in an insane drive toward self-destruction that had already sapped

me of any determination to fight. I thought that I was unique until I found

the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Since that day, my life has a new

meaning and a new direction.

I came from a white, middle-class background where success was al-

most assumed. I excelled academically and went on to medical school in

California and in Scotland. I looked with smug disdain on my schoolmates

who were experimenting with drugs. I felt that I was too good and too

smart for that. I thought that a drug addict was a weak-willed, spineless

creature who must have no purpose in life or sense of worth. I would not,

or could not fall into that trap, as I was an achiever, winning at the game of

life, and felt to have such great potential.

Sometime after having started my internship at a prestigious west coast

hospital, I had my first experience with narcotics. Call it curiosity (I

thought), but perhaps I was looking for something better. I was amazed

at the way patients in severe pain would relax when a small amount of mor-

phine was injected into their veins. That was for me! Over the next few

months, several personal tragedies led to my world crumbling about me.

Experimentation quickly led to abuse and then addiction with all the bewil-

dering helplessness and self-condemnation that only the drug addict knows.

Shortly after starting my residency training in neurosurgery, I sought

help from a psychiatrist, as the delusion that I could control my narcotic

use finally evaporated. I was hospitalized in a mental institution for a few

days until I felt better, and then convinced my psychiatrist that I was well

enough to return to my training program. He was either naive, gullible, or

ignorant of drug addiction and let me go merrily on my way. I lasted a

few months before relapsing. With no changes made in my thinking or be-

havior, relapse followed relapse, and I established a pattern that I would

I Was Unique 103

maintain for almost ten years. I continued to try psychiatrists and mental

institutions (five hospitalizations), but after each I would relapse again.

After having performed over one hundred surgical procedures while

loaded, I was asked to leave my residency. Another hospitalization followed

and I returned to my pattern of relapse. Besides institutionalization, over

the years I have tried job changes, geographical relocation, self-help books,

methadone programs, only using on the weekends, switching to pills, mar-

riage, health spas, diets, exercise, and religion. None of them worked, other

than temporarily. I was told that I was incorrigible and that there was no

hope for me based upon my track record.

After about five years of heavy using, I started to develop a physical

allergy to my drug of choice. Insidiously at first, but progressively, each

time I used, a small amount of tissue would die around the injection site.

This soon led to open sores and draining wounds. I found that I could pre-

vent the process by using cortisone initially, but after several more years it

returned in spite of the cortisone. In the meantime, I developed all the at-

tendant side effects of the cortisone, e.g., obesity, acne, ulcers, and propen-

sity toward infection (as my immune mechanism was knocked out). By the

time I reached my last hospitalization, I had a large open wound in the left

forearm with exposed infected bone. I had destroyed several tendons so

that I could not raise my wrist, and the scar tissue prevented me from ex-

tending my forearm. On admission, I was very heavy and my hands and

feet were swollen and full of fluid. I must have been a sight to behold as I

was a physical wreck. Worse yet, I was totally demoralized and suffering

from a spiritual bankruptcy of which I was unaware. The denial and self-

deception were so great that I hated to see what a pitiful creature I had become.

I entered a chemical abuse treatment facility in San Diego. There, for

the first time, I was confronted by physicians who were addicts themselves.

They asked me first if I wanted help, and then if I was willing to go to any

lengths to recover. They explained that I might have to lose all my worldly

possessions, my practice, my profession, my wife and family, even my arm.

At first I balked. I figured there was nothing wrong with me that a little

rest and relaxation could not set right. But instead, I made a pact with them:

I would listen and take orders without questioning. I had always been in-

dependent and this was certainly a change for me. This was my first intro-

duction to the tough love that has helped me so much in N.A.

During that month in the hospital, a great change came over me. I was

forced to go to outside N.A. meetings. At first, I was rebellious. These

104 Narcotics Anonymous

people were not like me; they were common street people, junkies, dope

fiends, pill heads, and coke freaks. How could I relate to them? They did

not come from my background. They had not experienced what I had ex-

perienced. They had not achieved what I had achieved. Yet when I listened,

I heard my story, again and again. These people experienced the same feel-

ings, the sense of loss, doom and degradation as I did. They too had been

helpless, hopeless, and beaten down by the same hideous monster as I had.

Yet they could laugh about their past and speak about the future in posi-

tive terms. There seemed such a balance of seriousness and levity with an

overpowering sense of serenity, that I ached for what they had.

I heard about honesty, tolerance, acceptance, joy, freedom, courage, will-

ingness, love and humility. But the greatest thing I heard about was God.

I had no problem with the concept of God, as I had called myself a believer.

I just could not understand why He had let me down. I had been praying

to God as a child asks Santa Claus for gifts, yet I still held on to my self-

will. Without it, I reasoned, I would have no control over my life, and could

not survive. It was pointed out to me that perhaps that was the whole prob-

lem. I was told that perhaps I should seek God’s will first, and then con-

form my will to His. Today, I pray only for His will for me and the power

to carry it out on a daily basis, and all is well. I have found that His gifts

are without number when I consistently turn my will and my life over to

His care.

I have found a new home in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

My life again has meaning. I have found that I have but one calling in life

and that is to carry the message to the addict who still suffers. I am so grate-

ful to God and N.A. that I may do this today.

I have found that you are just like me. I am no longer better than or

less than. I feel a real love and camaraderie in the N.A. Fellowship. My

great spiritual awakening has been that I am an ordinary addict. I am not

unique. There are still those who refuse to join us and take the path that

we have chosen, because they feel that they are unique. They may die. But

may God bless them too.

I Found a Home 105

105

I FOUND A HOME

From the time I was a little girl, I can remember feeling like I didn’t quite

belong. I thought I must be an alien from another planet. It seemed that I

always said and did the wrong things at the wrong time. I felt a big empty

hole inside of me, and I spent the next twenty years trying to fill it.

I always wanted desperately to fit in somewhere. I always seemed to

feel better being one of the guys, so I usually just stayed around men. I

didn’t really understand or trust girls.

I had a very low self-image. I realize now that I hated myself. I wished

I could be somebody, anybody, other than me. I felt like a loser and, look-

ing back on it, that’s probably why everybody treated me like one. I was a

victim by choice, but I didn’t know it.

The first drug I ever used was vodka, after which I blacked out, and

then passed out. The first time I smoked marijuana was the same way. I

had heard marijuana didn’t do much, so I smoked four joints in a row just

to make sure. It worked!

It didn’t take long for me to find harder drugs and start using them. I was

afraid of a lot of things, but trying out new drugs wasn’t one of them.

More and more I now started to depend heavily on drugs to make me

feel better, or at least different. I guess that I wanted to get loaded and stay

that way forever.

The longer I got loaded, the more it seemed people were getting in my

way. After awhile it seemed everybody was against me. I decided people

were my problem, and I didn’t want anything to do with them.

I thought I needed money to be free of my problems, so I went to work.

I was fifteen and was determined to make enough money, so I wouldn’t

need anybody ever. I could just get loaded and stay that way with no one

to hassle me.

During the time I was getting loaded, I tried a lot of different life styles

hoping to fit in somewhere. I went to San Francisco to become an intellec-

tual, sipping expresso and reading poetry. I’ve tried to be a hippie, an earth

106 Narcotics Anonymous

mama, a river rat and a desert bunny. I spent a while driving around in

Cadillacs with lawyers and stockbrokers. No matter where I went or the

company that I kept, I was loaded, and I was still me. Nothing seemed to

fit, and I always ended up alone.

I drank, dropped, snorted, smoked, and sniffed my way through the next

seven years until something terrifying began to happen. I could take more

and more and more drugs, but I would pass out before I ever got that good

feeling. I guess that the feelings which I had always run from could not be

pushed down any longer. They were eating me alive. I tried and tried to

use more to get that good feeling back, but all I got was more and more

afraid. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I couldn’t turn my head

off. I became more and more afraid of people until I was just living like a

hermit.

I felt a lot of humiliation and degradation during my addiction. I did a

lot of things loaded which I am grateful that I don’t have to do today.

In the last few years, before I got to Narcotics Anonymous, I really be-

lieved I was going insane. I was intent on self-destruction. I tried suicide

many times.

In desperation, I went to a psychiatrist. Usually they can be of little

help to addicts, but this man, thank God, knew about this program. He

said, “I can’t help you, you’re an addict.”

I was shocked. I had always thought drugs were the answer, not the

problem. Didn’t everybody take drugs? Drugs were my life. I didn’t know

how to give them up.

He told me about a hospital where I could get help. I could no longer

work or care for myself. I knew that I was crazy. I was physically, emo-

tionally and spiritually empty, and I was very, very scared.

At my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I knew that I had come

home. I had finally found people who were just like myself. I was still

scared of everyone, but somehow I knew that this was my last chance at

life. If I couldn’t make it here, it would be the end for me.

Three times I had eighty-nine days clean, only to use again. My dis-

ease was more powerful than I had ever imagined. What scared me is that

now I really wanted to stop, but found I could not.

Finally, I realized I was still trying to do it alone. I could not stay clean

without these people. They had something that I desperately wanted. I

had heard that if I put as much into the program as I did into using then I

could make it.

I Found a Home 107

I got closer to the program and got a sponsor and called her every day.

I went to meetings every night, started to work the steps, and just hung on.

Through the grace of God I have not taken a fix, pill or drink for five

years. Desperation drove me to Narcotics Anonymous, and desperation is

what has kept me coming back. I am grateful for the bottom that I finally

hit, because it gave me the willingness to work the steps, go to meetings,

and just “LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME.”

I used to wonder, “What am I going to do if I don’t get loaded?” To-

day it seems like there aren’t enough hours in the day. I have real friends

today, including girl friends, and they are very special to me.

The program is my life today. All the pain that I felt during my using

led me to more pain, but every ounce of pain that I experience in the pro-

gram, staying clean, brings me more growth, and more peace. The only

way that the empty place inside me can be filled is through the steps of this

program.

The things that I have learned since coming here would fill this book. I

did not know how to live, and the program is teaching me for the first time.

I am finally facing the old enemy, me. I am learning to accept myself, and

even to like myself, a day at a time. I know today I need the people in Nar-

cotics Anonymous, the ones who were here before me, and those who have

come in after me.

I don’t feel that I can ever fully repay what this program has given me,

because it gave me my life. Thank you N.A. for being there!

108 Narcotics Anonymous

108

IF YOU WANT WHAT WE HAVE

My name is Bill, and I’m a junkie and a juicer. For many years of my life

I felt that the world had dealt me a cruel hand, which left me with many

inadequate feelings. Fear ate a hole in me that I was never able to fill with

drugs and alcohol.

I was born in Alabama in 1933. My father’s job required constant mov-

ing, which meant new schools and new faces. I was small and sickly and

my insecurities and inadequacies around people increased. I fought these

feelings verbally and with my fists. Punishment in some fashion followed

me everywhere.

My father died when I was seven, and I remember the hate that I felt

because he had left an only child to fend for himself. A grandmother, aunt

and mother spoiled me rotten. Every time the church door was open, I was

there. At the age of ten, everyone in the family thought baptism was in

order. I didn’t feel any different when I got up than when I knelt down.

Control was the name of the game. I tried to control everyone in our little

family and outside, including the nun who caught me stealing cold drinks

in a convent.

Another form of punishment that I felt was rejection. My mother mar-

ried a man who later proved to be an addict. We moved to another city,

and the war within me intensified. Continuous fighting at home created

more fear and insecurities. When I was away, I hated my home and resented

the people in it. Drawing upon different concepts, I began another way of

living. It did not matter to me to what lengths I had to go in order to gain

love and approval from everyone. Up went the false front with more dis-

honesty and deceptions. I was to spend many years of my life trying to be

something that I was not.

Relief came at the ripe old age of sixteen in the form of alcohol at a

dance. Immediately my fear of girls was gone. My two left feet disappeared,

and I knew exactly when and where to lay my newfound wisdom of people.

The effect left, and I was back at war with me.

If You Want What We Have 109

I believed rules were made to be broken. Society’s laws were not for

me. They hampered my way of living, and I began to deal with reality the

only way I knew, and that was using the drug alcohol. This is the only drug

I was aware of in the late forties, and I used it to ease the pain. At the time,

it was the best way to cope with them. Anyone could punch my buttons if

I thought that it was needed for their approval of me.

After a small skirmish with school officials and city authorities, private

school was necessary to finish high school. Two years of college proved

even further that this world, and everything in it, was full of crap.

I cared for no one at this stage of the game. However, I met a young

lady who met all of my requirements. She was from an old family, very

regal in appearance and possessed all of the social graces. We ran off and

got married. I entered into a new relationship that I was not mature enough

to handle.

I fancied myself in the future as the old southern gentleman, broad brim

hat, bow string tie, overlooking his vast domain with a mint julep in one

hand and a gold cane in the other. Material things were the basis for hap-

piness in my life at this time. I looked either up or down to people, de-

pending on their seeming net worth. After attaining a lot of these things,

happiness and peace of mind did not come. My salary as purchasing agent

at a large hospital was not enough. Stealing to support my materialistic am-

bitions was necessary. The salesmen soon found my vulnerable spot, wine,

women and song. They began to supply my demand. Drinking and party-

ing every night soon made a physical wreck out of me. In the latter part of

1954, I was introduced to a little goodie called codeine by a salesman to draw

a clean breath. Something was cruising in me every moment of every day.

I was twenty-one years old and a full-blown addict. Routine encoun-

ters of addicts and alcoholics treated at the hospital convinced me that I was

unique. I would never become like they were.

The standards and expectations I set for myself and others were too high

to be met. Negative thinking and escapism became my total personality.

Greediness compelled me to study drugs and experiment. This may have saved

my life while I was using. I feared certain combinations in trying to get off.

The sixties came along, and I decided I needed a change. I left the hos-

pital for what I thought were greener pastures and began to travel. Life

was still hell. That old nest of negativism followed me everywhere that I

went. Jobs came and went, then they came no more. The jails and hospital

stays were more frequent and longer.

110 Narcotics Anonymous

In 1973, I came into a mental ward; I was chained like an animal. My

psychiatrists, who I constantly conned over the years, knew of my alcohol

problem, but not of my other addictions. It was suggested that I try a Twelve

Step Program. My family was willing to try anything, so off I went for all

the wrong reasons. People were kind and helpful to me, so I began to use

them as I had others all my life. They had never seen me clean and dry, so

how were they to know if I was using. I was very careful not to talk about

too much of anything lest they become suspicious. Deception and denial

were the games that I played and they almost killed me. At this time I had

gotten off the hard stuff and on to downers, uppers and mood elevators.

People seemed happy and sober, and I wondered what they were using. I

do not believe there was a fragment of honesty in me at the time. Willingness

to change never crossed my mind. Gambling, women and using were my bag.

For over three years I lived in hopelessness and despair going back to using,

and going back to the program.

After hearing the Higher Power concept and about a spiritual way of

life, I knew drugs were not for me. I had at one time a God graciously given

to me by my environment, whom I did not understand. I knew this God

did not want anything to do with someone like me.

There were times when I tried to relate, but there seemed to be some-

thing missing. I sincerely think that even though my feelings seemed to be

the same as others, there seemed a lack of deeper understanding that I

needed. God bless them they tried. There were no recovering addicts in

the area and no N.A. I looked for people with other drug dependencies

and finally found one lady in the group. She had spent ten years in and

out without any success.

Things did get a little better. There were no arrests and no stays in the

hospitals for a period of two years. Then, in the fall of 1975, everything

went to pieces. Back to the hospital I went. Exchanging the alcohol for pills,

I was back in the old paradox again. Then, a series of events began that

changed my life. There was talk of committing me to the state institution.

My family no longer wanted me like I was. Two program members came

one afternoon to see me and they both told me the same thing; that I wasn’t

crazy, to come back, don’t use, and ask for help.

My sponsor, who had fired herself several times from my case, picked

me up and took me to a meeting. The girl who rode with us spoke that

night. She talked about God of her understanding. Sitting next to my wife

that night I began to see where I had missed the boat. I went back to that

If You Want What We Have 111

dark room and thanked God for those people, because somehow I knew

they cared. Even though they did not understand many things about me,

they gave me time out of their lives and asked for nothing back. I remem-

bered the Eleventh Step in the program and I thought maybe, just maybe,

if I asked for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out,

He might help. I got a little brave, I knew that I wasn’t honest, I added,

“P.S., Please help me get honest.” It would be great to say that I left that

hospital and never used again, but it didn’t happen that way. It was al-

most like all the other confinements I had experienced. I came out of that

hospital with exactly what I went in with: me!

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s passed just like a wink, blink

and a nod, and I was still praying. Everything got worse. My family kicked

me out the day after New Year’s. I knew it was hopeless, but I was still

asking for honesty. On or around the fifth of January, I began to ease off

the pills I was using. It wasn’t any fun, but I know today that all the suf-

fering was necessary. Praying and tapering off had become my obsessions.

I felt that this was my last chance.

I took my last pill, shot, etc., in March. By God’s grace I was clean!

People began to tell me, look what you have done, and I began to believe

them. I got to looking so good to me that I just invited me out for a drink.

What a rude awakening. I came off that drunk cold turkey, no pills, noth-

ing, for the first time in over twenty-one years. For five days I shook and I

mean shook. On the fifth day, I wanted no more. I sat down in my little

V.W., bowed my head and told God, “If this is all in life for me, I want life

no longer. Death would be far more merciful. It doesn’t make any differ-

ence any longer.” I felt a peace come into me that I had never felt. I don’t

know how long this lasted, and it doesn’t matter. It happened and that is

the important part. Since then, I have experienced the same feeling from

time to time. It was like being brought forward from darkness to light. God

doesn’t let me stay in the sunlight too long, but He will help me if I choose

to stay in the twilight. I walked away from that car a free man. I did not

realize this for a long time. Since that day, I have not had a desire to use.

A God of my understanding had sent me enough honesty to get started

down the right path. I went back to the program and again I made another

mistake. I kept my mouth shut with the intention of letting the winners

teach me how to become clean. Today I know that for me I walked a dif-

ferent path through addiction, and I had to walk a different path through

this program. I had to learn about me. For almost two years in the program,

112 Narcotics Anonymous

I saw people come and go with addictions other than alcohol. One night

in Birmingham, I was sharing with a group and also talking about drugs

when a man approached me with tears in his eyes. He told me of his son

and daughter somewhere hooked on drugs. He said, “Surely God must

have some program for people like them.” All the way back home that night

I talked to a girl using drugs, a schoolmate of my wife. The telephone gave

us the answer through some new friends from Georgia and Tennessee in

Narcotics Anonymous. A visit to share in Chattanooga proved to be a bless-

ing. Several people came up from Atlanta, including one guy from Marietta

who kept telling people that he loved them. I was forty-four years of age

at the time, that was the first time a man had ever told me that he loved

me. For some unexplainable reason, I also felt his love. A couple of months

later, we went to Atlanta and found a repetition of our first trip. I wanted

so much to give and feel as these people did. At the close of the dance that

night, I overheard something that went like this, “If you want what we have,

you have got to take the steps.”

I came back to Alabama and began to take the steps. I learned about

me and found a God of my understanding. Trust God, Clean House, Help

Others, explains it as simply as I can. I spent many years looking for some-

thing around the corner, or someone coming down the street who would

give me happiness and peace of mind. Today, through the steps and the

people in N.A., I have found a solution. I have to stay honest with me, stay

open-minded enough to change and be willing to accept God’s love for me

through the members of N.A.

I am very grateful to our brothers and sisters in Georgia for their toler-

ance and support during our first year or so in the program in Alabama.

They more or less sponsored me in those early days. Just knowing they

were there was very comforting. Many times I called my friend in Marietta,

despondent over the way things were going. He always seemed to have

the answer. Keep the doors open and God will do the rest.

N.A. groups now have sprung up in several cities and now those people

are sponsoring me through their growth in N.A. and God’s grace. I finally

got it all together, but without God’s help I forget where I put it.

There is one thing that I feel I can give to every addict to use. I love

each and every one of you, and most importantly, God loves you too! I

found this love in the wonderful Program of N.A., through God’s grace and

you people. Come join us; it works!

I Qualify 113

113

I QUALIFY

My name is Iris. I’m a drug addict. In the beginning of my clean time, I

didn’t think N.A. was the place for me. Then again, the stories from the

other fellowship didn’t relate to me either. I knew that I wasn’t as bad as

these dope fiends. Since that time, almost three years ago, my ideas have

most certainly changed.

I was the oldest of four children. I was the only one in my immediate

family who had a drug problem. I figure that I started out as a pretty, happy

kid. We didn’t have much money, but we were close. Recently, someone

said, “A drug addict is nothing but an experienced escape artist.” I can re-

late. My career of running or escaping started after a crisis at the age of

eleven. I went through a lot of pain and humiliation. At first I ran physi-

cally—later mentally. I escaped reality through books, TV, sleep, etc. I was

very much a loner, but only because I felt no one wanted to be around me.

I thought that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, rich or popular enough,

and that I wasn’t funny or witty enough. Everybody was better than I was.

At home, I became the black sheep, causing embarrassment and shame.

Once I tried to commit suicide thinking that the world would be better off

without me.

I started drinking and smoking pot heavily the summer after I gradu-

ated. I started a two-year college to be a secretary, because that’s what a

girl is supposed to be. In college, I couldn’t handle the pressure. I went to

a doctor complaining of headaches and was introduced to barbiturates. I

started taking prescribed drugs. By the end of that first week I felt good. I

felt so happy and carefree. I even liked Iris! The day was nice and fresh,

and I even bounced when I walked. I remember looking at the bottle of

pills thinking, “I’m going to hold on to these.” And I did faithfully for the

next three years.

To put it simply, I thought pills were the answer to my problem. Then

the answer became the problem. There was no real fun involved. From

the beginning, I was using pills to cope. I remember somewhere along the

114 Narcotics Anonymous

line someone said, “You’re going to get addicted to those things.” As long

as they made me feel this good, I didn’t care. Then I found out what ad-

diction was really all about.

After only six months of taking barbiturates daily, I remember going

through my first withdrawal experience when I couldn’t get anything. Af-

ter that week, I thought I’d be starting over again. Little did I know. By

this time, I had stopped drinking.

I was a bit of a loner. Life was turning bad again. I had a car accident

that I never dealt with. I started building a bigger wall around myself, and

I needed something to calm me down enough to drive. I needed a little

help to get me through work. I needed a little something for the courage

to talk to people and even my family. Time became nothing but a gray haze

where nothing seemed to matter. For me, therapy was a joke. I graduated

college on the Dean’s List but couldn’t sell myself, so I ended up with two

part-time jobs. One was a Christmas job selling. There I learned to put on

a show so that no customer would leave without a smile on their face. I

felt that the show was all there was to my personality. In the other job, I

was a clerk typist. Quickly, I came to believe that the girls there hated me.

Out of fear, at a Christmas party, I decided to stop the pills and limit the

drinks. By the end of the third drink, the party seemed to stop, and all I

could think of was another drink. Back at the office, things got so bad that

one day I came in with ear plugs, and told everyone that I had an inner ear

infection in both ears. If they wanted to talk to me, they had to tap me on

the shoulder. That was one of the last bricks in my wall; blocking out the world.

At home, I slept ten to twelve hours a day. I tried to control and to even

stop drugs, but I couldn’t. I wondered what happened to the flower chil-

dren and drug addicts of the 60’s. Were they all dead? And what was go-

ing to happen to me? Depression was a normal state of mind. There was

no conversation between me and my family. My only enjoyment in life was

watching TV. I remember rocking back and forth in bed thinking, “No one

knows loneliness like I do.” I felt like a walking corpse. The only emotion

that I had was hate and that was directed at myself. Later, I found out ev-

eryone was waiting for me to commit suicide; they didn’t know what to

do. The only thing I remember of my family at that time was that my dad

hated me. In that gray haze, my mom was a warm soft light that was out

there somewhere. She always seemed to love me no matter what I did. I

didn’t understand.

I Qualify 115

When the time came that my Higher Power took control of the situa-

tion, against my will, a series of events happened that got me to break down

and turn to my mom for help. I said, “Mom, I think I have a problem with

drugs.” She said, “Well, we’re going to the doctor’s today. Maybe he can

give you something to help.” We were so ignorant, but it felt so good to

share and cry.

Things then started to move quickly. First came detox. I loved it. My

own room, TV, telephone, and all the hot water I wanted. My own private

world. I didn’t have to deal with anyone. I only went to a rehabilitation

center so that I wouldn’t have to return home so quickly. I started to get

into a romance until someone asked me, “What do you have to offer him?”

I didn’t have much to offer at that time, and I knew it. I did learn about

drug addiction and was given some tools. Again, I only went to the half-

way house because I didn’t want to go home and back to my old way of

life. At the halfway house, I learned how to live clean and to use the tools

of recovery.

The main tool, the basis of my clean time, was meetings. I attended

my first N.A. meeting in the rehabilitation center. The only thing that I re-

member about that meeting was a man who looked so good that if he spoke

to me, I’d melt. Later, I was told that it doesn’t matter why you come in

the beginning, just come. So I came. And I strutted, and I smiled, and I

did what I could for a cookie, a compliment, a look, or a stroke. My ego

needed anything it could get. At that time, I still didn’t really know what

being clean was all about, but I kept coming back. Eventually, I started com-

ing for me. I realized that I’m a drug addict even if I did not take a great

variety of drugs. I may not have done the things other “drug fiends” have

done. I may not have gone as far down the road, but only because I didn’t

have the opportunity. I am a drug addict, not only because of the drugs,

but because of the defects as well. Because of the lying, manipulating, con-

niving, self-will, thieving, and escaping, I qualify for this program.

I also found that drugs were only a symptom of my disease. With meet-

ings, help from the people in those meetings and my Higher Power, I started

to grow. I got rid of the fear and the guilt. My confidence was restored. I

learned to handle pressure and responsibility. I learned to reach out one

hand for help and the other hand to help. I learned to make friends, and I

learned to respect myself. I could go on and on. I’m growing by using the

tools of the program. Thank God for the N.A. Program. I’m alive. I’m free,

and today, I have a lot to offer.

116 Narcotics Anonymous

116

WHY ME? WHY NOT ME?

My God, what am I doing here? Why am I in so much trouble? What

am I going to do? Nothing had gone right for me in such a long time. Was

I going crazy? Was there hope for me in this horrible existence that I called

life? The only words that I could use to describe my life are fearful, des-

perate, aimless, and hopeless.

As I thought of my past with remorse and disgust, I tried to think of

anything that I had done or accomplished that was positive in any way. I

had three beautiful children, a wife, two cars, a new house, and a good job.

However, I could not think of a single thing in my life to be grateful for. I

felt as though I was a complete failure, with nothing left to live for.

For the past fourteen years, I had been drinking heavily, and had expe-

rienced numerous consequences due to drinking, but I thought that was

part of the game of being a responsible adult. I never liked responsibility

and made a point to avoid it whenever possible.

I was introduced to narcotics completely by accident. The accident was

due to my drinking at 7:00 a.m. I suffered a broken neck in a head-on col-

lision, and was taken to the hospital. I learned to enjoy the life, being waited

on and having no responsibility. This was exactly what I had been looking

for: soap operas and narcotics. I recall the hospital staff telling me that I

was an excellent patient. With all this encouragement, I devised many lies

and cons to ensure a lengthy stay at their wonderful institution. Little did

I know that I was setting a pattern of thinking that was to last many years.

This pattern would be a very destructive force to my family and lifestyle.

After being released from the hospital, I returned to alcohol. I thought

I missed all the benefits of having a good time, so I went after all the gusto

that I could handle. Gusto brought countless days and nights spent pray-

ing to the porcelain altar, smashed fingers in car doors and fights with my

wife and family. All this, just to escape responsibility. As I continued to

become more insecure with my actions and attitudes, I went even deeper

into the bottle. I felt as though there was something horrible always ready

to happen to me.

Why Me? Why Not Me? 117

I was seemingly satisfied with my alcohol use, and only occasionally

thought of drugs. I still thought about the wonderful treatment that I re-

ceived at the hospital, and occasionally fantasized myself back there being

a wonderful patient. For a period of six years, I had been unable to laugh

and enjoy living. I was just a miserable human shell. My attitudes were

negative, and I had started to suffer physically, acting out my fantasies, and

looking for sympathy.

Recalling the thought of my treatment in the hospitals, I was impelled

to seek medical help for my ailments. I had developed stomach ulcers, due

to what I thought was a bad diet and a very demanding job. I had begun

to have problems with my knees, because I seemed to fall down a lot. Af-

ter playing a good con on the doctor, I was finally hospitalized for tests.

This was the beginning of the end. I had been able to convince the doctors

that I was suffering from incurable and painful diseases. When I was re-

leased from the hospital, I was given prescriptions for various kinds of nar-

cotics and downers to help me eliminate my suffering. I continued drinking

alcohol while I took drugs. I became such an excellent patient that I was

hospitalized twenty-three times in four years. During this time, I had sur-

gery after surgery. I even had my stomach removed. All these surgeries

ensured my drug supply.

I was becoming a physical, mental, and spiritual mess. The constant con-

flict inside of me was more than I could deal with. With an ever increasing

amount of narcotics, I was able to function as a human being. I would even

convince my children to watch their dad use a needle with his medicine, so

that they would not fear the needle when it was their turn to get medicine.

In the fall of 1979, I had an accident at work, where my hand was caught

in a machine. As it happened, I looked at the machine operator and told

him, “It’s a good thing I’m on drugs, or I’d be very mad.” Nothing that

was happening to me made any difference, as long as I was taking my medi-

cine. I had no idea that I might have a problem with drugs. Many times, I

thought that I might be taking too many, but I never thought I would have

any problem quitting whenever the pain was gone.

I was getting drugs from the drugstore and writing my own scripts at

an alarming rate. It was quite a job to record and keep track of all the drug-

stores I’d used every day. There were times when I’d wish that I would get

caught, so I could end the existence I was experiencing. Three days after

my discharge from the hospital for my accident at work, my wish came true.

In desperation, I tried to pass a bad script, that I had written with my hand

in a cast. I can’t describe the fear that I felt when the druggist made her

phone call. Before I knew what was happening, I was in serious trouble.

118 Narcotics Anonymous

I considered running, suicide, insanity, anything to help me get out of

this jam. I recall the thoughts that I had as I was talking to the police. They

were the same thoughts that I’d had many times. Perhaps I could act very

innocent and naive. After all this was my first offense. I made a plea to

see my doctor. The police could see that I was terrified, and hurting as any

drug addict hurts when he can’t get drugs. I was told to see the doctor and

get help. I instantly thought that I could get over on the law, if they saw

that I was serious about getting help.

Through the doctor and other friends, I was sent to a drug rehabilita-

tion center back in my home state. This was going to be my ticket out of

trouble. I just had to comply with their program, and that’s all the law

would need to drop charges against me.

I went to rehab, knowing that I took too many drugs. While I was do-

ing my time, I was asked questions like: “Do you think you’re an addict?

Do you think you may have a problem with alcohol? How do you deal

with anger?” I answered these questions with: “possibly, no, I’ve never been

angry a day in my life.” I knew that I was in trouble when they diagnosed

me as a pathological liar.

I had many problems facing me when I got out of rehab. The law didn’t

go away and my wife was very bitter about my activities. My job was on

the line because of my inability to function at work, and I didn’t have very

much money to pay my bills.

Many things were happening to me, and I didn’t know what to do. The

rehabilitation center gave me some tools and knowledge about my drug ad-

diction. I then needed tools to cope with the things that were happening

in my life.

One of the things that I was told to do in the rehabilitation center was

to go to N.A. meetings: ninety meetings in ninety days. I didn’t know what

to expect, but I would try them anyway. What did I have to lose? The court

also gave me their version of an after-care plan. It was to attend a meeting

every day for 365 days. It was easy to comply with their plan. If I didn’t

comply, I would go to jail for seven to ten years.

I was resigned to the fact that I was going to be going to meetings for a

while, so I thought I may as well make the best of them. I did the things

that were suggested. Now I was going to be clean and serene. Wrong.

Thank God I stayed clean, but in the last two years, my serenity has been

interrupted on many occasions.

After one year clean, my wife just couldn’t understand why I was still

going to meetings every day, leaving her and the children alone so much.

Why Me? Why Not Me? 119

When I told her that I planned to attend meetings of Narcotics Anony-

mous, even after my sentence was fulfilled, she just went absolutely off

center, making sure that I knew she didn’t like that at all. I had picked a

sponsor by now, and I was constantly crying to him with my problems.

He told me to say the

Serenity Prayer. I couldn’t believe that he would

tell me something so idiotic. How could that help my situation? I was

being very negative in all situations in my life. I was told to work the

Twelve Steps of recovery of N.A. One thing I had to do was to come to

believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I

had known all along that I was powerless over my addiction, and that

my life was unmanageable, but I just didn’t have the faith that I needed

to be restored.

The next few months were very tough for me. I got divorced. When I

was able to look at the entire scope of my relationship with my wife, I found

that we were married for all of the wrong reasons. I had never known what

true love or true caring was all about. I was totally selfish in all of my rela-

tionships.

I was hurt. My ego had been crushed. I was humiliated. I have come

to believe that humiliation is Nothing more than being humbled against my

own will. With this major trauma in my life, I found a Power greater than

myself. I found, through the Fellowship of N.A., that I could either be very

miserable with my situation or I could accept it and carry on. All these

words still didn’t stop the hurt. What finally stopped the hurt and pain

that I was feeling was the suggestion that I get active in the Fellowship of

N.A. I started service work with picking up ash trays, now I am able to

serve the people who saved my life in various ways.

One thing that was given to me from the beginning was the phrase

“Keep coming back—it works.” Thank God for N.A.

Since that time, I have tried to be a little more caring and loving when I

deal with people. The first relationship I had with another addict made me

see even more how much of my pride, ego, self-centeredness, and lack of

faith I still have. The Program of N.A. is a new way of life for me, and it is

taking me a long time to learn how to live. You see, I’m as close to death

as the person coming off the street, after one day clean. All I have to do is

take any form of drug and I’m dead.

Today, I am experiencing a freedom that I have never had. This free-

dom is the idea that no matter what happens to me today, God and I can

handle it if I don’t use drugs. Sometimes I still want to be a little crazy,

especially where women are concerned, but it is getting better.

120 Narcotics Anonymous

120

JAILS, INSTITUTIONS,

AND RECOVERY

I first came to Narcotics Anonymous in a state prison. It was my third term

in prison over a seven year period, with only a few months at any one time

in the streets.

One night in this prison I heard of a meeting going on about something

to do with drugs. Well, I could relate to this, so I decided to check it out.

Besides, it would get me away from the cell for a while.

I can remember how confused I was leaving the first meeting. Back in

my cell, I dwelled on all those years in and out of jails and all the things

that I’d been through just to get loaded. Most of all, I began thinking of

how tired I was of living this kind of life. This group called Narcotics

Anonymous seemed then to be a little too much for me. I told myself that

I wasn’t a hardcore dope fiend, but just a guy who liked to get loaded ev-

ery day and a thief who could not stay out of jail. Although in those first

meetings I did not see N.A. as a solution to my craziness, I did hear some

things I could relate to. So, I kept going back. I heard the people in N.A.

say that they didn’t take drugs anymore, not even grass. I listened. Sure I

wanted to stop all the insane situations in my life, but I didn’t think I had

to give up drugs altogether to do it. I thought that I needed to learn how

to handle drugs better.

Some of the N.A. members, who came into the prison to share at these

meetings, had been inmates themselves. They attributed the change in their

lives to the support of Narcotics Anonymous; one addict sharing and help-

ing another addict. I enjoyed hearing these people tell how it was and how

it is today and soon felt a real kinship in the pain that we had all been

through. I began respecting these people in N.A. who talked about how

they found a way to live without drugs, alcohol, and jails.

I continued to get stoned in the institution whenever and whatever way

I could while still attending N.A. meetings regularly. The members told me

to keep coming back no matter what, so I did. Besides, it sure beat talking

that talk in the yard.

Jails, Institutions, and Recovery 121

Soon I was to be transferred for pre-release to a much looser security

prison. I had been there before and had been busted for smoking grass, for

which I was sent to a more maximum prison. Now, as I was packing my

property for this transfer, I remembered a lot of trouble I had gotten into at

this institution, just to use drugs. The Man knew me there, and I was pretty

nervous now, thinking about being eye-balled from the time I stepped off

that bus. I was already thinking hard about getting loaded when I could

and scared stiff inside knowing what would happen if I got caught again.

So I smoked a joint that morning before the long bus ride. I didn’t know

it then, but it was to be my last. Back in the beginning, when I was attend-

ing these N.A. meetings, I would wonder why it wasn’t working for me

like it did for others. I was tired of this drug and institutional life, but at

that point I guess I wasn’t tired enough, because I was still using when I

was going to the meetings. I had a decision to make on that bus ride which

was paid for by the Department of Corrections. The decision I made that day

was mostly out of fear and some things I heard in those first N.A. meetings.

I remember being in that bus, moving down the highway with chains

wrapped around my waist and shackles on my feet, uncomfortably look-

ing up at a resentful guard behind a cage with a shotgun. Staring out the

window as the miles of freedom passed me by, I wondered why I couldn’t

be a part of that world. Getting loaded did not feel right anymore. Yet think-

ing about not taking anything sure felt strange. What a relief, when later I

learned that it was easier by doing it just one day at a time.

Upon arrival at this other prison I was met by an inmate who was an

N.A. member. I knew him from meetings that we both attended at another

prison. It really made a difference to see his face when I drove up because,

again, I knew I had the support that would help me make it. I continued

in the fellowship at this prison and became active in the service part of the

program in the institution.

During these last six months I had to do on my sentence, I would wake

up in the morning and say, “Just for today, I won’t take anything,” and I

hung with N.A. people in the institution to keep myself away from temp-

tation. There were plenty of opportunities, so it wasn’t easy, but I now had

the support of the N.A. Fellowship. Once I was let out to attend an out-

side meeting, which made me want the Fellowship on the outside even

more. I started going to the meetings clean for the first time and something

happened. The program began to work.

122 Narcotics Anonymous

Today I know what makes N.A. work. One really starts under-

standing why it can work only when totally abstaining from all mind-al-

tering chemicals.

I also was beginning to understand what caring means; by helping each

other, we can make it. I felt that the only one who really understood me

was another addict. And the only one who could help was a clean addict.

I was so proud to stand before the group in prison and announce that I

had ninety days clean. Feeling proud was not part of my life before N.A.

It was such a relief, not having to hustle drugs out on the yard, and do the

crazy things that I did to get high. I had never done time like this and it

sure felt great.

I made another decision through the advice the N.A. members gave me,

which was the second most important decision I had ever made in my life.

This decision was to have someone from the N.A. Program at the gate to

pick me up when I was released. A person that I knew understood what I

needed my first day out, because I sure didn’t at this point.

When I go back into prisons today to carry the message of Narcotics

Anonymous, I suggest that inmates have an N.A. member at that gate when

they get out. I heard so many say, “Oh, I’ll check it out, but I’ve gotta do

this first, or be here first.” Don’t kid yourself; you might die first if you are

an addict like me.

That first day out was so righteous. I was taken to a home where N.A.

members were expecting me. This one member gave me a new address

book with N.A. phone numbers in it and said, “Give me your old address

book, you don’t need those old numbers of your connections anymore.”

Another member took me to his closet, and gave me some clothes. I went

to a bunch of meetings that day, and sure received the love and care I

needed, which seemed to make up for all the attention I missed while locked

up over the years.

Recently, one of the many benefits, for me, was being able to stand be-

fore the judge of the Superior Court and receive my Certificate of Rehabili-

tation. I never thought I would be standing in front of any judge for this

reason. I am so grateful today to say that I have been able to go beyond

the Fellowship for the support I need. I’m speaking about God. I mean a

God I can understand and talk to when I need a Higher Strength, the God I

found in Narcotics Anonymous.

So, if you are in a cell reading this, my message goes to you. If you are

wondering whether drugs or booze, or both are screwing up your life, find

out where an N.A. meeting is in your facility and check it out. You might

be saving your own life, and learning a better way. If one addict can make

it, so can another. We help each other in Narcotics Anonymous.

Fearful Mother 123

123

FEARFUL MOTHER

I thought an addict was a person who was using hard drugs, someone who

was on the streets or in jail. My pattern was different—I got my drugs from

a doctor. I knew something was wrong yet I tried to do right—at work, in

my marriage and in raising my children. I really tried hard. I would be do-

ing well and then I’d fail. It went on like this and each time it seemed like

forever; it seemed like nothing would ever change. I wanted to be a good

mother. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to be involved in society yet

never felt a part of it.

I went through years of telling my children “I’m sorry but this time it

will be different.” I went from one doctor to another asking for help. I went

for counseling feeling everything will be all right now, but the inside was

still saying, “What is wrong?” I was changing jobs, changing doctors, chang-

ing drugs, trying different books, religions and hair colors. I moved from

one area to another, changed friends and moved furniture. I went on vaca-

tions and also remained hidden in my home—so many things through the

years—constantly feeling, I’m wrong, I’m different, I’m a failure.

When I had my first child I liked it when they knocked me out; I liked

the feeling of the drugs they gave me. It was a feeling that whatever is go-

ing on around me, I don’t know and I don’t care, really. Through the years

the tranquilizers gave me the feeling that nothing is really that important.

Toward the end, things became so mixed up I was not sure what was and

what was not important. I was shaking inside and out. Drugs would not help.

I was still trying, but very little. I had quit work and was trying to go

back but I couldn’t. I would be on the couch afraid of everything. I was 103

pounds and had sores on my lips and in my nose. I had diabetes and shook

so that I had a hard time putting a spoon to my mouth. I felt I was out to

kill myself and people around me were out to hurt me. Physically and men-

tally I had a breakdown. I had just become a grandmother and I could not

even communicate with a small child. I was almost a vegetable. I wanted

to be a part of living but did not know how. Part of me said I’d be better

off dead and part of me said there has to be a better way of living.

124 Narcotics Anonymous

When I started on the Program of N.A., there were a lot of people who

suggested just everyday things for me to do, like eating, taking a bath, get-

ting dressed, going for a walk, going to meetings. They told me, “Don’t be

afraid, we have all gone through this.” I went to a lot of meetings through

the years. One thing has stuck with me, one thing they said from the be-

ginning, “Betty, you can stop running and you can be whatever you want

to be and do whatever you want to do.”

Since being on the program I have listened and watched many people

and have seen them go through many ups and downs. I have used the teach-

ings I felt were best for me. My work area has had to change and I have

been going to school. I have had to relearn all the way back to the gram-

mar school level. It has been slow for me but very rewarding.

I also decided that I need to know me better before I can have a mean-

ingful relationship with a man. I am learning to communicate with my

daughters. I am trying many things which I wanted to do for years. I am

able to remember many things that I had pushed out of my mind. I have

found that Betty is not that big pile of nothing but is someone and some-

thing that I never really stopped to look at or listen to. April 1, will be my

fifth N.A. birthday. How’s that for April Fool’s day!

I have been asked to update my story. This April 1, will be my tenth

year birthday.

I think, “Where have I been and have I really grown?” I know

that I have gotten married. I would like to say I love my husband very

dearly, and at times this is hard for me to say. Expressing a deep feeling for

any person has been very hard for me. I have felt like it would be taken

away, or that he would hurt me or laugh at me. That has happened at times,

but I have still loved him and it has not been that big and crushing a deal. I

am learning not to put him or myself on a pedestal. If I am expecting too

much of him that means I had better look a little closer at myself. There are

times when we can talk, and there are times it takes time before we can talk.

How boring if we both thought alike and everything went smoothly or if

we fought constantly.

I still get feelings of running away from home, and maybe going back

to the Islands or Michigan. I have been living in the same place for almost

four years. I think that is a record for me. I am still moving furniture around.

I love it and would like to put everything on rollers, it would be a lot easier.

I still do not understand men. Every once in a while I tell my husband

that I am a woman and I need to be taken to a movie or somewhere. I am

learning to verbalize my needs to another person. I also go to the show alone

once in a while.

* Written in 1981

Fearful Mother 125

I graduated from high school two years ago. I would love to graduate

from college, maybe some time in the future. Everyone needs something to

look forward to. My daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter gave me a

violin for Christmas. When I was in grammar school I took lessons for a

very short time. The school stopped giving lessons and took back their vio-

lin and I never forgot that. I started out this year by slowly taking lessons

and I became obsessed. I was going to two teachers and studying out of

three different books. I found myself looking at one of my books and say-

ing, “Where am I?” So now I am back to one teacher and one book.

I had a breast operated on and they removed part of it. I will not say

this was a whiz because it wasn’t, but I was luckier than some. I had the

N.A. Program and people to walk through it with me. I cannot say my life

has been like tiptoeing through the tulips, because that is not reality. I can

say that my life is now getting better and I am more open to looking and

walking in reality. With the world in such a turmoil, I feel I have been blessed

to be where I am.

I look at how N.A. has grown. We are in Germany, Australia, England,

Scotland, Italy, Brazil, etc. Maybe some day we will reach the countries that

are so damn hard to reach.

I have been told there are not many women with a lot of time on the

program. I am surprised when I hear this. I just assume there are and

maybe they have moved to other cities and states. Maybe even to some of

these countries that are so damn hard to reach. When a woman wants some-

thing bad enough, look out, she can move heaven and hell. One of the first

things said to me was, “No one else in this world knows what you want,

but you. If you want to survive in this world you had better do what is right

for you, because no one else is going to do it.” I get bumps and bruises and

I suck my thumb once in awhile, but I sure get stronger each time.

I have a dog named Baba Wawa, she was very tiny when my daughter

gave her to me. My daughter said, “Mom, here is a little dog and she will

never grow very large.” Well, she has grown very big and she surprises me

every once in a while. Last night she tried to fight a big dog right through

a chain link fence. I thought she was still a puppy, but she can stand her

own. I guess it’s like me. I have grown more than I realized and, unlike Baba

Wawa, I have been known to climb the fence and go after whatever I want.

I have also been known to knock those fences down. I feel like there is more

to say, but who can put all of ten years down on paper? I would rather spend

my time living it than writing it.

126 Narcotics Anonymous

I have been active in N.A. answering phones, typing, and working in

different areas of N.A. I go to meetings and talk and still feel funny and

awkward. Sometimes I am a kid, all hyper, other times it goes so smoothly

that I can’t remember what happened or what I said, but I feel good. What

I am trying to say is, “Thank Heaven nothing is as bad as it used to be and

there is so much more of what there should be in my life.”

I Found the Only N.A. Meeting in the World 127

127

I FOUND THE ONLY N.A.

MEETING IN THE WORLD

My name is Bob B. from Los Angeles. On the subject of people, places

and things, my story is not much different from the executive, it’s just on

the opposite end of the stick.

I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, poor, deprived, during the

depression, in a broken home. The words of love were never spoken in

my household. There were a lot of kids in my house.

Most of the things I remember about my life are recalled in retrospect.

While they were happening, I didn’t know anything about it. I just remem-

ber going through life feeling different, feeling deprived. I never felt quite

comfortable wherever I was, with whatever I had at any given time. I grew

up in a fantasy world. Things on the other side of the fence always looked

better. My grass was never green enough. My head was always out to

lunch. I learned all the short cuts in order to make it through school.

I always had a dream of leaving home. It was not the place to be. My

great fantasy was that there was going to be something good out there

somewhere.

I started using drugs fairly late in life, I was eighteen years old. I say

late in comparison with the age kids are doing it today.

My mother ruled her house with a big stick. That was her method. The

constant way I gained attention was by getting my butt whipped on a daily

basis. I found another way to get attention was to get sick. When I got

sick I got the things I felt were necessary, love and attention.

I blamed my mother because she didn’t make better choices in her life

so that I could have been happy growing up.

I went into the military because it was a place to run. I stayed in the

military for a long time because they afforded me the same opportunities I

had at home; three hots, a cot, and no responsibility. I can say I was a re-

sponsible person because I had rank and did this or that, but it was only

because they gave me advance directions on what to do, when to do it, and

how much to do.

128 Narcotics Anonymous

My first drug was alcohol. I found that there were two personalities.

When under the influence of alcohol and, later other narcotics, there was a

personality change.

I found out later, however, that this personality change went back even

farther. I was two people before I even started using. I had learned how to

steal early. I had learned how to lie early. I had learned how to cheat early.

I used these processes successfully. I was addicted to stealing long before I

was addicted to drugs because it made me feel good. If I had some of your

goodies to spread around, I felt good. I had a thing about stealing. I couldn’t

go into a place unless I took something.

I was so naive, I knew nothing about drugs. Drugs were not something

that were talked about in the 1930’s and 1940’s. It is not that drugs have

changed, they just didn’t talk about them before. They didn’t talk about

sex, or drugs, or religion, or discuss or explain them. It just wasn’t one of

those things that was talked about.

I first experienced my drug of choice, heroin, in the Far East. I heard

about opium and tried that. I found that you could cook up heroin and

put it in a spike. There were a great variety of drugs in other countries that

you could get by just walking into a drug store and asking for them. So I

stayed out of the country for nine years. That way I wasn’t confronted with

the attitudes and restrictions in the United States.

I knew nothing about the progression of my disease. I knew nothing

about addiction. I ran around in the ignorance of addiction for a lot of years,

not knowing, just not knowing.

No one explained to me that when you use drugs over a year’s time

you can get hooked. No one told me about withdrawal from drugs. The

only thing anyone told me was, “Don’t get sick,” and the way to do that

was to keep on using.

One of the problems I found in the military was that they give you or-

ders, ship you out, and they don’t send your connection with you. You get

sick. You try to back that up the next time by trying to get a big enough sup-

ply, and your month’s supply lasts a week, or two or three days.

I knew nothing about progression of the disease nor the consequences

of my actions. The progression of my disease caught up with me, as far as

the military was concerned, when I started transporting and smuggling.

Also, when you use drugs to the extent that you can’t be there for duty, they

frown on it. The next thing they do is take you away and lock you up. Then

the military did a cruel thing, they put me out on the streets.

I Found the Only N.A. Meeting in the World 129

I was ill equipped to take care of myself. I had gone from one mama to

another mother. They had taken care of me, then I found myself on the street

with no one to take care of me. I knew nothing of paying rent, working or

being responsible. So I had to give that responsibility to whoever I could

give it to. I ran through a lot of mothers.

I had to learn how to hustle on the street. You have to realize that the

military has a lot of equipment that can be sold and I used to sell it, be-

cause I liked to steal. I had to learn other processes, like running through

stores winging steaks and cigarettes under my arm, jumping from second

story windows, and running from policemen.

I think there is a certain excitement that goes along with drug addic-

tion. It was a lot like my childhood games of cops and robbers. I found

out that there are more policemen than drug addicts. They were standing

around watching you. I could never understand how they could go into a

crowd of people and pick me out, and say, “Let’s get in the car, let’s go.”

Nine times out of ten they had me dirty.

During the process of finding mothers, one mother found me. I thought

I should hem this one up and get papers on her, then she couldn’t run away.

I chose correctly, I chose someone who wasn’t using. I knew about the

ones that were using. They were never there when I got locked up. They

never had bail money. They could never visit because they were too busy

taking care of their own habits.

So I found one of those unsuspecting ones. She was in school and work-

ing and she had a place to stay. She had one shortcoming, she didn’t know

she needed someone to take care of. I was a prime candidate. I wanted to

be taken care of. She was going to help me get my act together. She pro-

posed to me in jail and I said, “Yes, I do. Just go down and pay the bail.”

For the next three years I ran her crazy trying to keep up with me. Then

she went out and found the only Narcotics Anonymous meeting in the

world. How she did that, I don’t know. At that time, there was only one

meeting in the whole world, and she went out and found it, and I sent her

off to the meeting. I had her go check it out.

You have to realize that in those days, drug addicts were very unpopu-

lar. To just intimate that two drug addicts were going to congregate any-

where would constitute a police stakeout. That’s the way they treated drug

addicts at the time. There was very little understanding about addiction. I

was very leery about anything to do about helping drug addicts. I knew what

they did with drug addicts; they locked them up, period! There was no pro-

gram to go to, except in Ft. Worth and Lexington.

130 Narcotics Anonymous

I always had a sad story to justify my using. One day, after one of those

six month trips to go get a loaf of bread at the corner grocery, I came home

and my bags were sitting by the door. She had told me fifty times or a thou-

sand times, “You got to go.” This time was different. There was something

in her voice this time. So I took my bags and went to the only place there

was to go, the streets.

I had become accustomed to living in the streets. I knew how to live in

the back of old cars, old laundry rooms, any old empty building, your house

or my house. Of course, I never had my house. I couldn’t pay the rent. I

never knew how to pay rent. If I had three dollars in my pocket, that three

dollars was going for drugs before a place to stay. It was that simple. I

think I paid rent one time while I was using drugs and living on the streets,

that was just to move in. It was called “catch me if you can” from then on.

It usually didn’t make any difference, because I was a ward of the state much

of the time anyway. I just ran in the streets until they locked me up, then I

had a place to stay. I could rest up, and get my health back in order to go

back out and do it again.

I came to Narcotics Anonymous nearly 21 years ago. (Written in 1981.)

But I didn’t come for me. I came just to keep her mouth shut. I went to

meetings loaded.

I didn’t have a driver’s license. I was unemployable. I had no place to

stay. I was the wrong color. I had no money. I didn’t have a car. I didn’t

have an old lady, or I needed a new one. I took them all these problems

and they would tell me, “Keep coming back.” And they said, “Work the

steps.” I used to read the steps and thought that that was working them. I

found out years later that even though I read the steps, I didn’t know what

I had read. I did not understand what I read.

They told me in many places that I was an addict. I had been labeled

an addict. From the military, to the jails, and right on down the line, I had

been labeled. I accepted that, but I didn’t understand it. I had to go out

and do some more experimenting before I got back to the program.

One of the things I had to learn to do was to understand what the pro-

gram was all about. I had to become willing to find out what the program

was about. Only after standing at the gates of death did I want to under-

stand. I think death is the counsel permanent. I had overdosed a number

of times, but that was kind of like the place where I always wanted to be.

It was just before going over the brink and everything seemed okay. When

I came out of it, I could say, “Wow, give me some more.” That’s insanity!

I Found the Only N.A. Meeting in the World 131

The final case for me was that I was about to be shot off a fence, and

not by my own doing. I didn’t like that. Playing cops and robbers is dan-

gerous out there. They have guns, and I don’t like being used for target

practice. There were more and more cases of policemen sticking guns in my

mouth and upside my head, and telling me to lay upside a wall.

My last day of narcotics use or drugs of any type, I had just fixed and

two policemen got me spread-eagled on a chainlink fence that I was trying

to get over. I became sober and clean immediately. Everything became very

clear and I didn’t want to die that way. Something clicked on in my mind

and I thought, “It doesn’t have to be this way.”

After that last rest and recuperation, I found out that I could work these

steps. The sum total of my life has changed as a direct result. I got involved

in working the steps, trying to understand what they were talking about,

to really understand what they were talking about. I found there is a cer-

tain amount of action that goes with every step. I had to get into action

about how the steps applied to me. I always thought the steps applied to

you, not me.

It got down to talking about God and spirituality. I had canned God a

long time ago, then I put that in church, and I didn’t have anything to do

with church. I found out that God and spirituality have nothing to do with

church.

I had to learn to get involved. It has been one hell of an adventure. My

life has changed to such an extent that it is almost unbelievable that I was ever

there. However, I know from where I came. I have constant reminders. I need

that constant reminder of newcomers and talking with others.

This program has become a part of me. It has become a part of life and

living for me. I understand more clearly the things that are happening in

my life today. I no longer fight the process.

I came to meetings of Narcotics Anonymous in order to take care of the

responsibilities that have been given to me. Today, I care. I am addicted to

the loving and caring and sharing that goes on in N.A. I look forward to

more of these things in my life.

My problem is addiction, it has something to do with drugs being the

means of not coping with life, it has something to do with that within, that

compulsion and that obsession. I now have the tools to do something about

it. The Twelve Steps of recovery are the tools.

132 Narcotics Anonymous

132

ALIEN

From a very early age I had an intense feeling and belief that I was differ-

ent! While other girls my age were trying on mom’s clothes and playing

with Barbie dolls, I was playing football with the guys, smoking pot, and

pondering the mysteries of the universe.

I started using somewhere close to the age of twelve. My parents were

concerned about the drug problem in our neighborhood, so I was enrolled

in a semi-private school in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. All this did was intro-

duce me to a more sophisticated drug use. There are many years of my

life that I can’t remember, and some I wish I could forget. Some periods

have come back to me in recovery, but many have not.

I have been a skeptic from a very early age. I questioned everything,

everything but using. I used to completely block out any feelings and per-

ceptions that I had toward life. I never was very fond of living, although I

wanted to be, and this became evident as the years rolled past and my self-

destructive behavior magnified itself.

At one time in my life I decided that sports was the avenue of personal

freedom and acceptance that I desired. And so the addict within me at-

tacked the sports world with vigor and determination. I also felt that if I

could succeed at something, and be the best at it, I would surely get

somebody’s attention. I succeeded in society’s eyes and in my peers’ eyes.

My name was in the papers, and I was on the All-State team twice, received

an All-American nomination, was team captain, I had plaques, trophies, and

titles. Regardless of my success in sports, I was feeling empty and the suc-

cess didn’t really matter to me. In fact, it turned out to be more of a hassle

than it was worth. I was beginning to hear an endless monologue: “You

have so much potential, why are you messing up your life?” Even with

my intense physical training, I simply could never stop using. In fact, I

thought that using drugs enhanced my ability in sports, and they also be-

came a reward after a hard workout. I did not attend my senior year in

high school. Most of my friends had either quit, been kicked out or had

already graduated.

Alien 133

I was born and raised in the Miami-Ft. Lauderdale area. So, at age fif-

teen I had enough of geographic stability. My heartbeat was travel, and I

diligently pursued the road. I spent one winter in a tent in the High Sier-

ras of California. It was at this time that I was introduced to the drug of all

drugs, peyote. The next few years were spent in a desperate attempt to

match that particular experience. Still, the main question I addressed to

myself was “Who am I and where in this universe do I fit?” I alienated

myself from my family. I did not think that I belonged with them any more

than I belonged in this screwed up society. My main outlet was writing, and I

retreated farther and farther into the world of isolation.

I did, through the years, try to make things work for myself. I became

a Christian, was baptized, chanted to Krishna, became a Christian again,

stared at Maharishi Yogi, went to Bible College, got kicked out, went back,

got kicked out again. I went to school for training as an emergency medi-

cal technician, started nursing school and still felt unfulfilled. This world

was just not doing its job to fulfill my every need. I still never felt like I fit

into the plan of the universe, and my disease of addiction progressed.

Thinking back, I think it was why I used, as well as how much I used, that

gave me problems.

I went from California to Florida to get clean, and when that didn’t

work, I went to North Carolina, and then to Connecticut and on and on.

When I became uncomfortable somewhere, I moved elsewhere. The same

went for my employment situation. When I didn’t like my job, or I was

getting close to being caught at ripping an establishment off, I would sim-

ply get another job. Geography was not adequate armor to fight the war

that was taking place in my mind, body and spirit. I spent a summer on

the Amazon River of Brazil. That did not cure my addiction. Even in the Andes

of Peru my addiction progressed. I learned that custom officials loved to see

Bibles in your luggage, and they also loved to hear that your item of business

in a particular country was church or missionary affiliated.

A few months before I found the program, I was working in retail and

found a wonderful supplier for my habit, my manager. Now all I had to

do was to make it to work. In fact, all of a sudden, work was not all that

bad. I began to work fourteen-hour days. It was my perpetual and ulti-

mate connection, and life became more blurry every day. I found myself

doing things for drugs that I didn’t want to do. But I did anything that I

had to do to stay high. Using became so much a part of my routine that, at

one point, it was accepted behavior to cut lines of cocaine on the restaurant

134 Narcotics Anonymous

table. I became oblivious to the fact that what I was doing was illegal. I

never could figure out why it seemed like people were always staring at

me! I remember thinking, “God grant me the power to change the people,

places, and things that do not agree with my way of thinking.” I could never

figure out why this world would not devote itself to making me happy.

Today I realize this is insane thinking, and insane thinking helped

qualify me for the Program of Narcotics Anonymous. Insane thinking is

one of the obvious characteristics of the disease of addiction. I had an ideal

vision of the world as I thought it should be. I often visualized myself as

existing on a moonbeam in a utopian state for eternity. I have always been

a baby in an adult body. I want what I want, when I want it.

Finally, in Atlanta, Georgia, I found the Program of Narcotics Anony-

mous. Psychiatry was not helping. Prescribed medication did nothing but

make me want more. When I was doing amphetamines, the doctor would

put me on tranquilizers to calm me down, and when I was doing downs, I

was put on anti-depressants to “help stabilize my mood swings and depres-

sion.” At one point, I remember being told, “Just face it, you will never be

able to live without being on some kind of medication.”

Depression eventually became my normal state of mind and spirit. Sui-

cide remained my dominating thought. My favorite pastimes were hang-

ing over an interstate overpass or seeing how close I could get to moving

trains. My social life was non-existent, and my zest for life was so low I

even lost the energy it took to get more drugs. My bottom had arrived and

somehow I was still alive. My therapist at this point was a lady who un-

derstood the disease of addiction. She refused to continue seeing me if I

would not attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

I went to a few meetings and told her that there was no way the pro-

gram could work for me. When she wouldn’t buy that excuse, I told her

that I thought the people were using because there was no way in my mind

that people could look and sound so happy, and have so much freedom,

without being loaded. I remember sitting in a survivors’ meeting one night

and asking the guy next to me, “Are these people for real or are they all

loaded?” He looked at me rather emphatically, and replied, “They are for

real.”

Then there was the Higher Power concept. For me, having had two

years of Bible College, and a lot of theology in my head, I confused spiritu-

ality with religion. This was one of my biggest obstacles in developing con-

scious contact with a Power greater than myself. My struggle became

Alien 135

evident when at a meeting where a Higher Power was the topic, I told them,

“I don’t believe in a Power greater than myself, and I am sick of hearing

this topic discussed.” After about two minutes of silence a guy across the

room stood up, walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, “I know where

you’re coming from, and I want to tell you that this group of people is a

Power greater than you.” That was the foundation for my concept of a

Higher Power. Today I choose to call my Higher Power God, yet there are

many times today when the group is used. God, as I understand Him to-

day, is a gentle, loving, and understanding Spirit. I believe today that my

Higher Power kept me alive long enough to find the Fellowship of Narcot-

ics Anonymous. I am grateful to be alive. The day I surrendered to the

fact that I was powerless over my addiction an enormous weight was re-

moved from me. The addiction said, “You can handle it,” but I knew I

couldn’t.

One of the hardest things that I have encountered is change. I have had

to change my playgrounds and playmates. For me, that was one of the

easier areas of change. It was true on day one, and remains so today, es-

sential for ongoing recovery. What has been hardest is changing attitudes,

ideas, patterns, and reactions. When I encounter people today who don’t

agree with me, I need to try and respond to them in a spirit of love. This is

quite a change from ignoring them as I did in the past.

As a result of working my program, going to meetings, changing my

attitudes, and relying on my Higher Power instead of people, even my face

is changing. When I first came into the program, one of my fellow addicts

nicknamed me “Rocky,” due to my stern facial expression. I showed no emo-

tion, would not smile, even if I was laughing on the inside, and refused to

talk. There were also many times when I simply could not talk, and could

do nothing but make a meeting and listen. Many times I shuffled into a

meeting, and sat in my corner, and hoped that no one saw me. I sometimes

held on to the fantasy that I was a type of Casper the Ghost. The reality

was that people really did see me. They tried to talk to me, and they tried

to hug me, regardless of my stoneface expression. Eventually, love broke

through and I began to respond to the people that God was using as in-

struments of His love and grace.

What matters is that the program I have found gives me the tools to

live clean, regardless of pain, whether it be emotional, spiritual, or physi-

cal. It is okay to hurt and feel pain today. It is not okay to use. In fact, it is

growth to feel anything at all. Apathy was my middle name for years.

136 Narcotics Anonymous

It feels wonderful to care. It is recovery for me to be able to laugh, cry, or

simply share some word of encouragement. It wasn’t but a year ago that

the death of a friend would not have brought a tear. Today I can cry over a

man disabled in a wheelchair.

I have had to face a bizarre situation or two in recovery. I am learning

that there is no problem too small to bring to a meeting. One night I brought

the problem of eating a chocolate eclair to a meeting, because I was afraid

of using over it and I noticed my thinking changing. The outcome of it was

that in the future I would make sure my favorite bakeries do not saturate their

eclairs with alcohol. I do not have to use no matter what.

Sometimes I find that when things start going well, I deliberately try to

destroy them. My absolute limit for any relationship used to be five months.

It became habitual to dump someone before they dumped me! Sometimes

I find old thought patterns creeping up, and I find myself being obnoxious

and trying to get people mad at me. It sometimes shatters my ego when

someone catches my tricks and tells me they won’t work. Today, I can look

in the mirror and laugh at myself. I won’t say that I have a good self im-

age today, but it’s better than it used to be. When I was using, I mastered

the art of fight or flee. I would either run from a situation or fight it out,

but never face it. Most of the time, it was me I was running from. The

words serenity and surrender were foreign to my vocabulary. I am learn-

ing that I usually have as much serenity as I have surrendered.

For half my life I have been careening wildly through the sea of chaos

and destruction. The Program of Narcotics Anonymous has shown me se-

renity and direction. I am growing to realize that my experience can ben-

efit those who still suffer. The freedom that I have always sought I have

found in the steps of the program. The loneliness that has been with me

for years is alleviated by other recovering addicts in the Fellowship. To-

day, I am not responsible for having a disease, but I am responsible for my

own recovery. Today, I can study, keep an apartment, and I can even emo-

tionally commit myself to another human being. Many people are in my

life today. When I found the program I was alone. My purpose for being

on this planet has been resolved in my mind and spirit. Today, I know I

must carry the message of recovery. Today, I am grateful. I belong in the

universe.

A Little Girl Grows Up 137

137

A LITTLE GIRL GROWS UP

I was born the youngest of a family of eight on Christmas Eve. I heard all

of my life how my coming into this world was a special occasion, and as a

result, I too thought it was a celebration, and continued to celebrate for the

next twenty-six years. My parents were close to forty when I came, so natu-

rally I felt like a grandchild. Every day to me was supposed to be special.

I demanded and got all the attention that I needed and wanted. My con-

cept of myself at this time was that I was to be cared for the rest of my life,

and all I had to do was be pretty and smile and the rest would be a piece of

cake. I put the responsibility of my existence on everyone but me and if I

wasn’t happy, they weren’t doing their job. Of course when things went

my way, I took all the credit. To me, no one knew how to make me happy.

I was constantly filled with frustration and anxiety because nothing I did

seemed to get me to that place called Happiness.

I was brought up in a religious atmosphere, but I never seemed to be

able to grasp what it all meant. I couldn’t understand how God could love

me one minute but the next strike me down to hell. This understanding of

mine sent me to rebel against all that I was taught to be sinful. I was deter-

mined to prove that if I danced, smoked, cut my hair, or wore pants, I would

not go to hell. I began to do all these sins in junior high school and ended

up pregnant at fifteen. I did not want to get married and be a housewife.

My first reaction was to have my baby and raise it myself, but that didn’t

go off very well, so I got married and had my child at sixteen. Again, I didn’t

want to take the responsibility of my actions, so I went into the marriage bitter,

but determined to make it work.

My husband and I were two kids playing house. We began going out

to clubs, drinking and living it up. I thought at this time that I had found

it, this was the life! Right before our third wedding anniversary, my hus-

band was shot and killed at one of those live-it-up night clubs. Well, need-

less to say, I really had a good excuse now. I now had another reason to

cop-out on this big, bad world. I honestly felt that mean God in the clouds

138 Narcotics Anonymous

was really paying me back for all the sins I had committed. I hated Him!

I’d lay awake many a night in agony wondering if God and my husband

could see and hear the pain of loneliness I felt. I never got an answer.

After my husband’s death, his best friend and I began spending time

together crying and laughing at memories of the past. Not too long after

this I was introduced to acid. My first trip was spent on the floor with me

crying and wishing my old man hadn’t died on me. The bad trip didn’t

seem to bother me, because somewhere in my mind I knew I had found

something new, a new world. Maybe it was happiness. I was constantly

searching for relief from the pain and about this time another man came

along, except he was different because he had cash. This man saw a scared

little girl in agony and wanted to buy the hurt away. Well, I tell you, it didn’t

take me very long at all to grab on to that and hold on till I used him up

completely. With access to so much cash, it was just a matter of time be-

fore I was burned out on the pills I was taking, but the high just wasn’t the

same. Again, I began a search for escape from myself and I found it, the

needle!

My first shot was ecstasy. The feeling that ran through my body and

veins when I got off was one of contentment and exhilaration. I had never

dreamed anything could feel so good. During this time of discovering the

new highs, I was trying to keep two men happy. My sugar daddy was con-

stantly forking out cash and I was forking out lies. My old man and I re-

ally thought we were something, we had all that cash to buy all the dope

we needed or wanted. But there was something wrong that I couldn’t quite

grasp. I was slowly running out of whatever it took for me to lead a double

life. For about a year I shot dope for fun. I thought, “If it feels good, do

it!” It wasn’t very long before the needle had taken full control of me, I

was no longer in command. This dependency led me to be very careless,

and the next thing I knew I was busted twice in a period of a few months.

I’ll never forget the feeling that I had as I was being photographed and fin-

gerprinted. All I wanted to do was go back and fix drugs. My mind and

body were so screwed up I wasn’t even aware that I had a daughter at home

waiting for me.

Someone told me that if I went to a hospital and kicked, I could prob-

ably beat the case. So that’s exactly what I went for. I knew I had been

doing too much dope, but I thought I just needed rest. I ended up having

my friends bring me dope through windows, and in the meantime pro-

ceeded to drive my family crazy. My husband was sentenced and I got two

A Little Girl Grows Up 139

years probation. That really did it! Again God had taken away my reason

for living. Before my husband left, I made promises that I would be faithful,

save money that my sugar daddy gave me, and only shoot dope occasionally.

I was only able to keep one, and that was to be faithful.

I literally stayed in my bedroom and bathroom for two years, waiting

for the day my husband would come home and make me happy again. But

there was a problem. The needle slowly became my friend, lover and my

reason for living. I lost the glimpse of self-respect that I had left. I spent

hours in the bathroom fixing and crying because a syringe owned me now.

There was nothing that I could do. As a result of shooting dope, I began to

miss a lot and those misses turned into infected sores from my head to my

toes. I spent a lot of time telling my daughter and parents that those sores

on me were just boils. I didn’t realize how sick I had become. I lost every-

thing. I was a zombie with no feelings for anyone or anything except my rush.

I remember thinking that when my husband came home I could quit and ev-

erything would be all right. It wasn’t.

I tried staying clean for a while, I worked in a furniture store my father

had started for us, but nothing worked. Before long I was at it again and

by this time I was completely out of control. There were no veins left, so I

had to go in about 1-1/2 inches to find one and I nearly lost my veins for

good. All this time I was trying to be a mother, wife, and girlfriend. I’d

dress myself up for a day, put on my mask and perform my duties, but it

never did work. I had no motivation to help myself.

During the worst time of my addiction, my thoughts were never sui-

cidal. I just wanted to sleep till it all went away. My old ideas told me it

was a sin to take my own life. I couldn’t really see that I was slowly doing

just that. As deep as I was into my habit, it wasn’t long before I was sell-

ing everything. I had run out of lies to tell my money man, so next went

my house, cars and jewelry. I didn’t care, I had to have my dope.

There were people reaching out to me with all they had, but all I could

do was shoot more dope. When someone tried to get close to this scared

little girl, I didn’t have any idea how to respond.

I didn’t have the strength to get out of it at all. It wasn’t long ‘til I got

busted again. This time it was different. It was the end for me. I had never

been one to assist cops in anything but now the running was over and I knew

it. I told them exactly what I had done and I didn’t really care what the conse-

quences were, I just wanted out. I was picked up at a drugstore and taken to

jail. I was so messed up that nothing mattered, nothing.

140 Narcotics Anonymous

I was unable to walk, both my legs were so bent from infection that I

couldn’t straighten them out. I was carried by the nurses before the judge

to have my bond set. As foggy headed as I was, I’ll never forget the voices

of disgust and pity as I was carried into the courtroom. Something inside

my sick mind and heart told me it was finally all over! I suddenly realized

how close I was to prison or even death.

Without my knowledge, my father had found a lawyer to get me out.

The nurses informed me that I was on my way to a hospital, police escort

and all. Before I left the jail my lawyer arrived. He came in, introduced

himself, and then proceeded to tell me the most frightening words I’d ever

heard, “It’s time for you to grow up!” He told me the only reason he was

taking my case was because he hated to see a grown man cry, and my fa-

ther had sat in his office and cried like a baby, pleading with him to please

help his little girl this last time. He informed me there would be no more

calling my parents, brothers, sisters or sugar daddy for help. I was to stand

on my own two feet for once and take the responsibility for my actions. I

had never been so scared in my life. The things he told me scared me more

than anything; even my arrest and losing my daughter weren’t as scary as

having to grow up. I didn’t know where to begin. I had no idea of how to

grow up and no idea of what he really meant, except that it had to be done

somehow.

When I arrived at the hospital, I was informed that there would be no

phone calls in and no phone calls out. I couldn’t even talk to my parents. I

didn’t like that too much, but I knew I had better listen for the first time in

my life. My lawyer was the only visitor I had for the first few days and he

really helped me laugh at myself. I was laying in bed one day, feeling sorry

for myself, and counting my scars. I had twenty-two of them. He looked

at me very seriously and said, “I know what we’ll do. We’ll paint you green

and play dot to dot!” I had never in my serious, condemning mind found

that I could ever laugh at myself in such a forgiving way. Before, if I laughed

at me, I was judging me for being such a failure at life. Now there seemed

to be some relief and hope, nothing was that bad anymore.

My next trip was to a treatment center, I was determined to make it work

this time. I spent a lot of time preparing myself to go to prison because

there just didn’t seem to be a way out of it. My lawyer told me there would

have to be a miracle somewhere, because I had really gone my limit. I knew

this, people just didn’t get out of three narcotics arrests, including fraud,

without ratting and without going to jail. The song “Why Me Lord?” came

A Little Girl Grows Up 141

into my head while I was there and it stayed. Every time I laid down to go

to sleep it was there. I had begun to know what gratitude was. My prayers

were limited to “help me.” I didn’t know what I was really praying to, but I

had to pray anyway. I couldn’t carry the burden alone anymore. The people

around me were telling me that I had to believe in something bigger and greater

than me or I would die. I could look in their eyes and see that they must be

telling the truth, because something was there and I wanted it.

For the first time I was told I could have my own God who would love

and understand me. I could have a God that no one else had if I chose.

What a relief this was to me! I no longer had certain rules and regulations

to belong somewhere. My God and I could make up our own. Now I was

beginning to know what faith was and I had taken the first three steps in

my life. My heart told me now that whatever happened in my life would

be God’s will and that my worries could be taken away if I just prayed and

believed. It all seemed so simple to do, but my will just wasn’t ready to

give up. I kept telling myself, “You’ve made a decision, stick with it for

once and see what happens.” The words in the Third Step, “made a deci-

sion . . .” scared me because I didn’t know what decision meant. I had never

decided on anything, I had just reacted.

To the best of my ability, I stayed with the Third Step throughout my

time at the treatment center. My next trip was to a halfway house in Bir-

mingham. My counselor recommended that I go, so I could get some time

behind me and see what it was really like to be clean for more than thirty

days. When she told me the name of the place, I had second thoughts. I

thought there would be a bunch of sisters in robes greeting me. I couldn’t

conceive of living with eighteen women under one roof for too long, but I

knew I had to go. To my surprise, I was greeted by several lovely women

who were not nuns, but alcoholics. I knew I had come to a place of love,

acceptance and understanding beyond my comprehension. They told me

everything was going to be all right, and I believed them with all my heart.

My stay there began with mixed emotions. I often wanted to leave, get

my little girl and take off somewhere to get away from all the pain of real-

ity. I also read a great deal about the Fourth Step and knew it was time to

take a Fourth Step in my life. I spent numerous hours writing about what

had happened in my life, the pain I had felt, and the pain I had caused. I

wrote about everything! There was a great deal of pain and embarrassment

involved, but also an overwhelming feeling of relief. I was finally able to

get out all the pain that had been with me all my life. To look at me on a piece

142 Narcotics Anonymous

of paper, and realize how irresponsible I had been, just verified the fact that

there would be no more running. The old me was finally beginning to die. I

began to see that I really didn’t deserve all the punishment I had bestowed upon

myself, and that maybe I was worthy of that thing called happiness.

I spent several months on the Fourth Step and when it came time to do

the Fifth Step there was no planning. It was just time to do it. The only

way I could hold on to the garbage would require that I rationalize my ac-

tions again. I could not stand the thought of losing the honesty. To my

astonishment, the woman I did my Fifth Step with didn’t laugh, snicker or

frown at all. She only had compassion when I cried; she laughed when I

laughed. Hallelujah! Someone finally knew the crazy thoughts that I had

and the crazy things I’d done.

I now felt completely forgiven and was truly ready to have God remove

the old me and my sick ways. But I soon found out that the key word to

Step Six was “ready,” and that it would have to be done when God was

ready, not when I decided. Step Seven came with the Sixth because, as a

result of Step Five, I now had some idea of what my defects and shortcom-

ings were. I desperately needed someone to take it all away. I now had

started to understand willingness.

Steps Eight and Nine hit me when I came into the program. I was ready

to have everyone accept my apologies instantly, when I wanted them to. I

was so relieved that God had forgiven me and thought everyone else had

too. But again, it was only to find that I had to wait for God’s time, not mine!

I work Step Ten daily, searching for where and if I have wronged an-

other human being by allowing my defects to overcome God’s love. As a

result of the Twelve Steps, I’m not able to hold on to old ways of deceiving

myself. God allows me short periods of time for rationalization, He knows

I’ll die if I keep it.

Step Eleven is my way of getting out of myself. My time for prayer

can be anytime, anywhere, because I now have a friend who listens when-

ever I pray. Meditation was hard at first, for I couldn’t hear anything God

was saying. As I work the program, I find that Step Eleven is when I work

Step Ten, my listening to God to tell me when I’ve wronged another.

Step Twelve is my reason for being alive today. Being able to share what

Narcotics Anonymous has done for me has allowed me to be alive. I now have

an identity. I know what and who I am. Maybe somewhere, someone can

relate to the pain my addiction caused me. If this is so, I’ve achieved my

purpose for being alive and happy today!

A Little Girl Grows Up 143

The Program of Narcotics Anonymous gave me an identity. I can now

hold my head high and tell anyone, “Hi, my name is ———. I’m an ad-

dict.” Before I came to the program and was asked, “Who are you?” I

wouldn’t answer because I had no idea what it really meant. I love the

newly found me. I love getting to know me and getting to know other

people who are like me. I now can feel emotions that were buried deep

within me for many years.

The program has given me everything non-material. Happiness, I used

to think, was what and how much I could buy. How little I knew of true

happiness. I’m beginning to accept pain as growth. I know pain is essen-

tial. Through pain, God can break down many false personalities little by

little in His own time.

There is so much hope for me today. The program was a challenge that

I needed desperately and was given to me as a gift. Each day I want more

of what it has to offer. I want so much to learn, and I have a long way to

go to reach the understanding I’m searching for. That’s okay; at least I’m

searching.

To put into words what God and the Program of Narcotics Anonymous

have done for me has been difficult, there aren’t words to express God’s

love. I hope that my story can reach someone, somewhere, but if it doesn’t

that’s okay, because it has reached me.

Thank you God. Thank you Narcotics Anonymous for giving me me.

144 Narcotics Anonymous

144

IT'S OKAY TO BE CLEAN

On one of my first drunks, at age thirteen, I made a fool of myself, got

very sick, had trouble with my parents, and was kicked off the basketball

team. In one night, I made plenty of reasons not to drink again, a preview

of coming attractions. Two important reasons outweighed all the pain and

trouble and kept me using for years. First, was the attention I got at school.

I was a celebrity for a short time. The other guys who drank welcomed

me into their group and I felt the acceptance I craved. Second, and just as

important, I liked the way the alcohol made me feel. I first smoked pot at

age fourteen, and by the time I finished high school I was smoking several

times a week and getting drunk most every weekend.

I had experimented with drinking hard liquor, eating acid, mescaline,

speed, mushrooms, and smoking different kinds of hash and pot. Being

from a small town in Washington State, most drugs were hard to get, but

there was always pot. The pot was easier for me to get than beer. I could

buy the pot right at school, but I had to find someone of legal age to buy

alcohol. I always partied with the same group of friends throughout my

using. We shared our common interests in drinking and drugging, and I

was afraid of meeting new people. I was always looking for happiness,

fun, those good times. Whatever I did, the plans included drinking and

smoking.

I graduated from high school at age seventeen and moved to a nearby,

larger town with my school buddies. At last I was free of my parents’ con-

trol, and had a place to party. For the next 2½

years I had my chance to

live my life the way I wanted to, doing things my way. I got arrested for

drunk driving at age eighteen and spent the night in jail. I didn’t consider

then that I had a drinking or drug problem, I had a police problem. I just

needed to let my friends drive.

The best way to describe the last couple of years of my drug use is bor-

ing. I worked in a factory to pay my bills and to buy my pot and beer.

Most of my spare time was spent sitting around the house with the television

It’s Okay to Be Clean 145

on and the stereo turned up. I smoked every day and got drunk every week-

end. Sometimes my friends and I would get in the car and drive out in the

country to the same places we had gone when we first started using.

In the beginning, I had some fun times when I used. In the end, it was

a habit, the old fun just wasn’t there very often. I always stayed with the

people who partied the same way that I did. I didn’t think that there was

anything wrong with smoking a joint by myself before grocery shopping.

I told myself that it would help me enjoy the experience. Of course it was

perfectly all right to go to a drinking party and keep a case of beer in the

car in case the keg went dry for fifteen minutes, or it was all right to sit in

one spot after eating acid and watch the numbers change on the digital

clock. Didn’t everyone?

At age twenty I got arrested for drunk driving again and spent three

days in jail. As I sobered up I realized that every time I got in trouble with

the law I had been drinking. Of course, I didn’t realize that smoking pot,

or using some acid or speed once in a while would also get me into trouble.

To get out of spending six months in jail and paying a big fine, I agreed to

go to an alcoholism treatment center.

I learned a lot there. Mainly that it is all right not to get high, that there

are a lot of people who want to stay clean. I loved to sit and listen to the

other patients talk about their experiences. “If I was as bad as these people,

I would want to quit too,” I thought. I learned that many of them started

out just like me and ended up going through years of pain. I decided that

I had gone down far enough and wanted to live clean. I also decided to

treat pot and other drugs the same as alcohol. Getting high is getting high,

no matter what I used to get there. I started to like myself. I opened up to

people, let them get to know me, and they still liked me.

I got out of treatment with thirty days clean, but I hadn’t truly accepted

Step One. In two days, I smoked some pot. The sensations were familiar,

but all the knowledge about addiction kept racing through my head. I re-

alized that those counselors were right, I was an addict. I am powerless over

that first smoke or drink. That was the last time I got high.

Within a week, I had moved out on my own, away from old friends that I

had depended on. I started going to meetings regularly and hanging around

afterwards, meeting and talking to other members. I couldn’t relate to the type

or amount of drugs or behavior of most of the people. If I kept an open mind

and listened for similarities instead of differences, I saw that we all share some

common feelings and a desire to stop using. I first got involved in service by

146 Narcotics Anonymous

helping set up and clean up the meeting room. Later, I drove to the treat-

ment centers and picked up patients to go to the meetings.

As time goes on, the Third Step becomes more real and important. It

wasn’t too hard for me to believe that there is a Higher Power working in

my life. I just thought back to the car wrecks and blackouts when I could

have gotten hurt or killed and wasn’t. The things that I used to call luck or

coincidence, I just call God’s work. I use the word God because it’s easy to

spell. This God must really love me. He let me go through enough pain in

using that I might learn a lesson from it, and have experience to share with

others. He has guided me to this new, full rewarding life at a young age.

If He has been this good to me so far, I figure I can trust Him to take care of me

each new day. I repeat Step Three in the morning and say thanks at night.

When I was using, I would sit around talking and fantasizing about the

things that I’d do some day. Now I do them. I travel, meet new people,

and am trusted with responsible positions. I enjoy hiking, biking, skiing,

dancing and even dating. I have friends all over the United States now, and

I feel closer to some of them than I ever did to my drinking buddies.

It has been over three years since that relapse and I have had quite an

adventure so far. I am not always happy or comfortable. I have had to

reach out when I am scared or lonely. I have watched people that I like go

back to their old ways. I have trouble with resentment, jealousy, and fear,

among other feelings. I have found the Tenth Step very helpful, yet, I can’t

compare a few uncomfortable hours in recovery to the years of hangovers,

remorse and blackouts while using.

God is sure good to me. He has given me health and the N.A. prin-

ciples and fellowship. When that old thinking comes back that “I’m not

that bad,” I just remember “how bad does it have to be before I want to get

better?”

Today I live. Thank you!

Nowhere to Turn 147

147

NOWHERE TO TURN

My name is George and I am an addict and a member of Narcotics Anony-

mous. Today I am able to live clean and sober because of the Fellowship of

N.A. I am now thirty years old and began using about twelve years ago.

As I was growing up, I remember wanting to belong or be a part of other

groups of people. I was a loner and did not know how to belong. Fear

and inferiority feelings were a part of me since childhood. I was unable to

participate in sports and other activities because of the fear that I could not

do it. I had a fear of people, especially in groups, so I lived in a fantasy

world where I was somebody. I had few close friends as a child and tried

to control and isolate them. I wanted to keep them to myself for fear that

others would only take them away.

I was an only child and my father died when I was three years old. I

was raised by my mother and grandparents. I was very sensitive and did

not want others to see this, so I tried to hide it. I didn’t like myself and

always tried to be somebody other than the person I really was.

At an early age, I would escape the reality of the here and now by fan-

tasizing about the future. I thought somehow, if I could change me or find

the right situation, that I could be happy someday. My need to control and

dominate people only drove them away and I felt rejected.

As I got older, I began to rebel at the society that I was blaming for my

inability to be happy. At the same time, on a deeper level, I blamed myself.

I started to get into trouble at home and at school for attention. Inside

I was hurting and was very confused, but solutions were not at my disposal

and I felt as though I must do whatever it took to be accepted by any crowd.

I chose other kids who were getting into trouble and breaking all the rules.

But even in that crowd, I felt different.

Somehow I made it through high school and went on to college to please

my family. I was not ready for the responsibility of college, and I wasn’t moti-

vated to learn. I felt out of place there and did poorly. At the end of my first

semester I left school and got a job. I thought that hard work and low pay

was what I needed to prove my manhood. This got old quickly.

148 Narcotics Anonymous

I developed problems with people wherever I went and ran from one

situation to another, blaming others for the problems that arose.

I began to identify with the peace and love movement that was catch-

ing on around the country. I thought the musicians of this era really had

the answer and part of that answer was to escape to enlightenment with

drugs. I felt that I could be accepted by the long hairs, because they talked

of unconditional love and other spiritual principles.

I started smoking pot, then came that first acid trip, then speed and bar-

biturates. My first experience with each drug was wonderful, and I wanted

to keep doing it. I especially liked the speed and acid in those days and

smoked pot to keep that stoned outlook on life. I thought that the drugs

went along with the spiritual and mystical philosophies. One by one, I tried

all of the drugs that I said I’d never do.

My relationships with women were few, and none were successful. This

drove me deeper into escaping with drugs. I felt fear and excitement with

this new destructive way of life. Sometimes I had doubts and second

thoughts about drugs, but when I was high I felt reassured and confident.

I left the world behind in those moments until I came down confused and

afraid. Fear of death became an obsession with me when I wasn’t high.

The effects of the speed and acid helped nurture the fear.

I went back to school and continued to use more and more. At one point

I cut my hair and started to drink a lot. I thought a change of lifestyle was

the answer, but I still managed to find reasons to take pills to study and

any other excuse I could find.

I felt that life was empty and meaningless. I became more and more

isolated at school and my consumption of speed increased until I was us-

ing it daily, and my health began to deteriorate. I became paranoid and

fearful of people which made it harder to function.

I would hang out with users on the weekends back in my hometown.

It seemed that their solution to the dilemma of using was to use more until

you reached the point of not caring at all. I finally quit trying to control

my using and decided to quit fighting it. If I was going to be a dope fiend

and self-destructive, I was going to do a good job of it. It seemed that it

was becoming more and more accepted that dopers were losers and we

might as well stay loaded completely. Take as much dope as you can, con-

stantly, became my new philosophy for survival. The speed runs left me

burned out. I had sores in my mouth. My skin was turning yellow and

much of the time I couldn’t go out at night because I couldn’t focus my vi-

sion and I hallucinated.

Nowhere to Turn 149

I came home from school in the summer of 1971 totally wasted, it was

then that I was introduced to heroin. Shooting morphine and heroin was

becoming more and more a part of the local dope culture and I had a few

friends who were well into it. I tried it and thought it was good for me

because I could relax and eat and sleep.

I learned to use a needle and by mid-summer I was shooting dope two

or three times a day.

Jails, doing time, and violence were the new topics of conversation, no

more peace and love. Now it was conning, ripping people off and doing

whatever was necessary to get narcotics. I did not like any of this new talk,

but the dope made it more and more acceptable. Finally, I got involved in

breaking into houses and forging checks. I stole from my family, lied, sold

my musical instruments for money to get drugs.

At the end of the summer I was arrested for check forgery and put in

jail where I went into withdrawal. It was a nightmare to realize how far

down I had fallen and was going to have to answer to the law for my ac-

tions. My mother bailed me out and the local drug council sent me to a

psychologist for therapy. The therapy did not work, because I was still us-

ing. So my lawyer suggested that I go to Lexington to the federal drug hos-

pital. I stayed long enough to detox and came home with the idea that I

would go to school and everything would be okay. I also thought one shot

wouldn’t hurt anything.

Back into active using again, I sought help again at the local drug council

because I knew they were sending people to a doctor who was writing pre-

scriptions for methadone and barbiturates for addicts. So my addiction took

a new direction. I began to get my supply legally from doctors. Things

were going well, so I thought, for about a year until the doctor said he could

not give me any more methadone. I got panicky and bought some speed

on the street and while I was in withdrawal from methadone I started speed-

ing. After a few days, I got crazy and started shooting a shotgun off in my

backyard at imaginary foes. I ended up in jail for two miserable weeks of

insanity and withdrawals.

The court sent me to the state hospital where they put me on two

Quaaludes a night, because all the dope fiends on the unit were requesting

them for insomnia and were bringing in other drugs from visits.

After thirty days, I was released and I went straight for the doctor’s of-

fice with another drug to add to my requests. I continued to pop pills and

drink codeine cough syrup and booze.

150 Narcotics Anonymous

I started dating a girl who used and my dependence on her was a means

to get more drugs. Her dependence on me was emotional. I feel that she

kept me alive through those times when my using was so insane that I

would have died without someone to keep me from harming myself more

than I did.

I had become a garbage can for drugs. Street drugs, prescription drugs,

paragoric, cough syrup with codeine, whatever I could get. I had been put

on probation for the check forgeries and I kept getting arrested for drunk

driving or for brandishing weapons. Needless to say, I was always in trouble

with the probation officer and they would lock me up for a while, then send

me off to another rehabilitation program or hospital.

In 1974, I was sent to a long-term therapeutic community after spend-

ing about four months in county jail. I was very sick emotionally when I

got there and stayed withdrawn for the first couple of months. I went

through many intense changes in the time that I was there, most of them

were positive. I learned to function with other people and started to become

responsible again. They gave me a place to belong and something to be-

lieve in. What they couldn’t give me was a way to live without drugs out-

side the confines of the therapeutic community. I was finally graduated from

their program in 1977 and as a graduate and an employee, I was allowed

to drink.

I decided that I wanted to return to West Virginia because the lifestyle

of New York was not for me. Really, I wanted to get away from them so I

could try to use successfully. I got a job in my old hometown and started

to see my old girlfriend who was still using. It wasn’t long until I just let

go and started shooting speed, and eating codeine pills and methaqualone.

I hit the depths of despair because the dope had me again after all that time

away from it and nothing had changed.

After all that therapy, I still couldn’t control my dope; it controlled me.

I felt hopeless and worthless like a total failure. I couldn’t go back to the reha-

bilitation house because I felt like such a bad person, like a traitor.

I lost my job and continued to use, getting most of my drugs legally

from doctors. One doctor had become a friend of mine and felt sorry for

me in my dilemma, and I used his compassion as a means to con him out

of more and more drugs. I was using amphetamines, sedatives and vari-

ous synthetic opiates all at the same time.

I was miserable, my highs were like lows. I couldn’t live with drugs

but it was worse without them. I just tried to stay numb or seek oblivion.

Nowhere to Turn 151

No longer could I blame my using on others like before. Although I

tried, I really knew the truth. I was off probation so that was no longer a

threat, but still I was a prisoner to my addiction.

Between my sprees of using I started to try church. I began to feel as

though God was my only hope, but I wasn’t sure if God really existed.

Maybe I felt as though God might just be a philosophical idea to comfort

man and make sense out of life, but I needed something real. I could not

work and I hit another bottom and found myself alone and sick. It seemed

as though being alone and sick were a way of life for me. At this point I

was ready to ask for help in a sincere way.

I didn’t believe in coincidence any more and it was a miracle that I

stumbled upon a phone number of an N.A. member in the Atlanta, Geor-

gia area. I spilled my guts to him over the phone and asked him what he

thought. He said it sounded as though I needed to learn how to live with-

out drugs. That was so simple, but it said it all.

With God’s help I caught a bus to Atlanta. In withdrawal and praying

and some crying, I made the journey. I feel that the willingness and cour-

age to make such a move came from a Power greater than myself. God as

I understand Him has worked many miracles in my life in the past two years

of my recovery.

In those first meetings I heard people share honestly. They sat and

talked with me, and they understood. They really cared because they were

like me. They had been there. There was no condemnation or lectures.

They gave me hope by their example. It really was possible to get a new

way of life filled with happiness and usefulness to other people.

I didn’t have to be alone ever again. I could use my past to help others

and pass this new way of life on to others who were in despair and misery.

It was okay to let people know when I hurt. I didn’t have to pretend to be

cool and have all the answers or hide my true feelings.

They loved me back to health, people were patient when I needed to

talk, they listened and shared what had worked for them. I was a part of

their lives.

They taught me that the steps were the foundation of recovery. The pro-

gram has freed me from my prison and shown me how to be myself and

live life on its own terms. I owe my life to Narcotics Anonymous. God

works through the people in this Fellowship and it works if you want it to.

Surrender has been the key for me.

152 Narcotics Anonymous

If I work this program, my life gets better. Today I have friendship, love,

and a family of brothers and sisters from all over the world, from all walks

of life. We are united in a way that was once impossible for the addict. We

have been delivered from a living and dying hell to happiness, peace, joy

and a fulfillment that escaped our wildest dreams in the past. It has been

freely given to me out of love. The program is simply sharing, working

the Twelve Steps, attending meetings and practicing the principles of the

program.

First and foremost, I must remember that I suffer from a disease called

addiction and that using is insanity and death. So I cannot take that first

fix, pill or drink. Drugs in any form are poison to me and will kill me emo-

tionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.

God has revealed His love for me through the Fellowship of N.A. I am

grateful to be able to write my story and share it. I pray that it may be of

some help and bring hope to someone like me who once had no hope. May

God be with you in the spirit of this Fellowship. I pray that this new way

of life will bring you all the joy and love it has brought me. God Bless.

Recovery Is My Responsibility 153

153

RECOVERY IS MY RESPONSIBILITY

My name is Jo. I am an addict. Like most addicts that I have met, I did

not begin my addiction with the intention of making myself sick, physically

and morally. As I had done all my life, I sought escape from the stresses

and demands of living. In later life, I called this having fun. Any pressure

was too much to bear, and as my illness progressed, I retreated into a world

of isolation and chemicals.

During my childhood, I found escape in pretend games. I was not like

my friends, I thought, so I sought the changes that were necessary for me

to be acceptable. I tried new clothes, different hair styles, even different sets

of friends. I want to be liked. It never occurred to me that I must change in-

side. As I became older, my opportunities to alter my external environment

expanded. I could change residences, find new jobs, get married or even di-

vorced. I did all of these. No extreme was too far reaching.

My introduction to chemicals came in the mid 1960’s during my teen

years. Along with my friends, I partied on weekends, drinking alcohol at

every opportunity. While everyone seemed to be enjoying the party, I was

hiding in the ice chest. Later in life, I became the perfect hostess, fixing

everyone’s drink from the kitchen or bar. It was always everyone else and

then me, with no realization that I drank more than I served.

My senior year of high school found me experimenting with amphe-

tamines. My consumption of alcohol had begun to affect my grades, as were

the late night hours. I believed that by taking uppers, I could improve my

study habits. I continued to believe this even as my grades plummeted.

Graduation prevented me from failing at school or dropping out all together.

I came to the graduation ceremony drunk, much to the chagrin and disgust

of my family. I had become argumentative with everyone. I couldn’t even

stand myself.

During the next fourteen years, my life decayed tragically. I tried chang-

ing everything but myself. After I married, I joined a church that strongly

suggested that its members refrain from drinking. I so wanted to be accepted,

154 Narcotics Anonymous

I did not drink for a year. I was at war with myself. I felt as I had as a

child; that I was different. Try as I would, want as I would, I was not, and

could not be like those good people at church. They did not understand

me any better than I understood them. My decision to refrain from any

drinking or drugs had nothing to do with my inability to handle them. Even

when I abstained from chemicals, I did not fit. It was not a new hurt. I

began drinking again, feeling guiltier than I had ever dreamed possible.

Because I was a housewife and had no outside income, I padded the gro-

cery bills in order to pay the liquor store and doctors and pharmacists. I

felt myself clever indeed, and I also believed that I fit at last.

The delivery of my first child was a learning day for me. After I was

admitted into the labor and delivery area of the hospital, I was given a shot

for relief of pain and anxiety. I was never to forget; and I suffered pain and

anxiety for another twelve years. There was always a drug for a symptom,

and I learned quickly how to manipulate one to acquire the other. My life

became one of appointments to doctors’ offices, lies to them and to myself,

prescriptions and trips to the hospital. I had many surgeries that could have

and should have been avoided. Tragically, I often believed that I was sick.

A few weeks after the birth of my second son in 1970, I suffered a total

collapse. I was given tranquilizers and later hospitalized, where I received

shock treatment for God only knows what purpose. The first hospital stay

set me on a road of psychiatrists, mental health centers, and sure, certain

ruin. Although my symptoms were clearly drug related, I was treated with

the very drugs that were killing me.

I took depressants and became depressed. I took diet pills and mood

elevators and became edgy and wouldn’t eat. My behavior became manic-

depressive when I took both, and I became psychotic when I added the drug

alcohol. I had odd notions about life and I hated myself. I loathed my body.

In the face of all of these bizarre symptoms, I was hospitalized innumer-

able times, where medications, drugs, were administered indiscriminately.

Eventually, as I moved into a drug culture, I learned to play the game. Cop-

ping prescription drugs was far easier than hustling, and somehow more

respectable.

My personal life was a shambles. I prostituted my mind and body.

Nothing mattered. I wanted to die. During these years, my family tried to

warn me about my warped state of mind, but I still hung on to the belief

that they didn’t understand. When I told my doctors of the conflicts at

home, I was advised that, in fact, the family did not understand. I was given

Recovery Is My Responsibility 155

a prescription for yet another panacea, and I went on my way. In the end,

the only people who had any time for me at all were the mental health pro-

fessionals. I had an army of paid friends.

I don’t blame doctors or anyone else for my addiction, for my addic-

tive personality is, and has always been, a part of me. Certain individuals

in the mental health and physical health profession who should know bet-

ter did contribute to my addiction and allowed it to continue. I know that

recovery is my responsibility, with the help of God. I manipulated the medi-

cal profession, and not knowing what else to do, they obliged with prescrip-

tions for symptoms, as they are so trained. I share this tragedy with too

many others. Ironically, it was a psychologist that guided me into N.A. and

another Twelve Step Program. She had given up on me, and as a last re-

sort, insisted that I attend those meetings. I went and have been clean since

May, 1980.

At that first meeting, I was hugged and made welcome. I fit. I cried

and found the road to a happy recovery. My world expanded and I began

to grow. I had been looking for myself inside of myself, and had found

myself empty. Coming into the Twelve Steps of N.A., I have found happi-

ness outside of me. I have made the discovery that I must share so that I

might keep anything at all, and that in the giving there is joy and satisfac-

tion. I have learned that to be free, I must surrender, and that surrendering

brings comfort. I have learned that it was, as much as drugs and alcohol,

my total sense of self that was seducing me into death.

The greatest discovery for me these past twenty months is that there is

a power in the universe, that I know as God, who loves me. If I am to be a

part of this world I must always be aware of my Creator. If I seek out His will

for me and endeavor to carry out His will, my recovery is secure.

The growth that I have enjoyed has not been without pain. I am con-

tinually made aware of my own character defects, and as I become willing,

I rejoice in letting them go, as I turned my narcotics addiction over to God.

Growing up at age thirty-four still baffles me, but my tears mean something.

I have comfort in my hurts and a solution to my problems, whatever they

might be. Today I have something that will last.

156 Narcotics Anonymous

156

UNMANAGEABLE

We are the same people cut from the same cut of cloth. I am a person

who did a lot of time. I started drinking at first. I remember getting drunk

at the age of fifteen and falling across the grass and knocking my front tooth

out by the sidewalk. I have never forgotten that I love to do anything that

will keep me out of the here and now.

I am nothing but another person acting a part of Narcotics Anonymous,

nothing but another person trying to live clean and recover. I know for a

fact that the program works, and I know that because I am one of the

miracles, just like everyone in these rooms is one of the miracles.

I remember my bottom. It was a typical night for someone without any

money, any drugs, or any friends. I was lying in a house where the people

had gone to jail. They set out to score and they did not ever come back. I

was left there. I was watching the house, just waiting for someone to come,

just waiting to score, so that I would be able to get well. But God saw fit

for that not to happen. As I sat on the bed I pushed the cockroaches out of

my face, there were a lot of them and I had a war going on with those bugs.

I would turn out the light, I would catch a bunch of them and then I would

put them down the toilet. And I was thinking, “Is this all there is for me in

life?” My arms were swollen from shooting drugs, my lips were red from

drinking wine, and I felt like there was no hope. I remember I reached into

my pocket and I had a twenty-five cent bus ticket left from the Welfare Of-

fice. I packed up a little bag of the little bit of clothes that I had left, and I

caught the bus to the Veterans’ Administration hospital. All the time I was

riding my head was telling me, “I just want to go and lay there. Find a

domicile or something. Just to lay down and die.” But that was the day of

my spiritual awakening. I was at the V.A. with spit creases that I had placed

down the front of my pants, with another notch I had put in my belt with

an ice pick to hold them up, with 160 pounds on my body, I looked like a

skeleton of my former self. While trying to get in the methadone program,

I ran across a person on the program who was to become my sponsor. We

had spent time in prison together. He asked me how I was doing. At first

I told him, “I’m doing okay.” But I knew deep in my heart that I was not

Unmanageable 157

doing worth a damn. I remember feeling the words just coming out of my

mouth, as I said, “I want to go into the recovery house.” I wanted to try it

one more time and give it my best shot.

I thought that I had suffered a heart attack and was dying, because I

felt just like an empty shell. They took me into this hospital and got me

back to health. First, there was my health back in line, then my thinking

got a little clearer. I remember when I first started going to meetings after

being dry for about ninety days.

I remember seeing people at meetings. It sounds corny, but I wanted

what they had. I wanted to be able to say, “My name is Bill and I am an

addict. And I am doing something about my life!” I used to think that the

people there were conning. That’s what my head was saying, but deep in

my heart I knew what they were saying was true.

Today I have learned how to be more of a person. I have learned how

to feel a lot better. When I was sitting in the rooms of N.A. meetings, I kept

going back, kept doing what people said to do. I did my inventory, took a

Fourth Step and a Fifth Step. Then I took a look at my character defects

and then I could understand what people had meant and talked about.

I never will forget when the light flipped on and I knew that this was

all about living. After that, I went right into the steps to the best of my abil-

ity. It started because I knew for a fact that my life was unmanageable be-

cause I was unmanageable! This was where drugs and alcohol had brought

me and left me. I knew that if I stayed around this program, followed di-

rections, and if I prayed, then maybe God would restore me to sanity. I am

not wrapped too tight now, but I realize that some are sicker than others. I

know for a fact that it works when I ask that my will be removed and I just

surrender to the will of God. This is the Third Step.

It’s hard. It’s hard to work His will instead of my own, but I do it to

the best of my ability today. When I took my Fourth Step, I wrote out all

those little things that make me think I am less than someone else.

My Fifth Step was one of the hardest for me because I did not want to

share with another human being those things that made my character de-

fects so glaring. Yet sharing with another human being and God is another

action step. It has taken me 1½ years to really understand what a Sixth Step

was because I was clean and recovering and just becoming aware of my

character defects. But the willingness that I had learned from my Third Step,

and the knowledge that I have obtained through my Fourth and Fifth Steps,

gave me strength to ask God to remove these defects. (I have to ask this

158 Narcotics Anonymous

every day.) I did my Sixth and Seventh Steps together, not really knowing

the difference between character defects and shortcomings, which I am not

too sure about today. Working the Eighth Step was not too difficult because

of my awareness of the Fourth through Seventh Steps. I remember when I

made my first amends. God, how I felt, but when I made my last one, I

felt all the weight of the world being lifted off of me. One night I was speak-

ing at an N.A. meeting when I looked over and there was my crime partner’s

sister. The very girl to whom I owed my last amend. God gave me the

willingness, the courage, and the opportunity to complete my Ninth Step.

I knew then that I never had to go back out again because of snitching on

someone. You can’t go back to the ghetto where you came from. I realized

it was all over and I felt good. I am one of those for whom taking a Tenth

Step at night was not hard. That fear and guilt I had inside of me is gone!

Something that was difficult for me was the Eleventh Step. It took a

spiritual lady and other things I won’t get into now, to learn to meditate,

and I am grateful for those experiences. After that conscious contact, I re-

view and look over each step each day.

I love the Twelfth Step like I love the program, like I love my God, and

my life today. The Twelfth Step has given me a way to go. I work with

others, share at meetings, support N.A. as a whole, by being active. I am

just so, so grateful that God has seen fit to let me live again, and for the

people who have been put into my life.

When I started working the steps I was in my second year, going into

my third year of being clean, and just like the miracle of the program, I am

finishing my third year of being clean and going into my fourth year. Now

I have six years, SMILE.

I never would have thought while going into the V.A. hospital one rainy

morning that my life would become so rich and so full. I have more friends

than I ever thought I would have. I have more things, not only materially,

but things like respectability, like love, like willingness to share and care. I

can safely say that I have an attitude of gratitude to God today. I have grati-

tude for the rehabilitation center I came out of, my sponsors, for my fian-

cee whom I love, and to the N.A. Program to which I owe my life. All I

can say to the newcomer is that the program works, the promises are there

if you work the program and give yourself a break. For a person who was

a complete stomp down dope fiend addict, in jail or out of jail, I just want

to thank God for letting me be a survivor.

* Written in 1979

How Do You Spell Relief? 159

159

HOW DO YOU SPELL RELIEF?

When I first entered the Narcotics Anonymous Program, I was sixteen

years old and full of reservations. After all, I was too young to quit using

drugs forever. I thought that there was still lots of fun to be had. The only

reason I was there was because if I wasn’t, I would have been put in prison

for two years.

What I failed to remember was that there had been no good times for

quite a while. Sure, I had a few cheap thrills or maybe a nice rush, but it

had been years since I had actually felt good inside. If I looked closely, I

could see that I felt miserable. I entered the program on my knees, so to

speak, devoid of all human feelings. I was like the walking dead.

My addiction first started when I was around eleven or twelve years

old. I was cutting school, smoking pot, or getting drunk. By the time I was

thirteen I was shooting heroin, living on skid row, three thousand miles from

home, with a man who didn’t even speak the same language as me. When

I look back and see this, I can’t help but be frightened by how quickly ad-

diction can progress.

My addiction took me to many places that I didn’t like. When I was

fourteen, I ended up in a women’s maximum security prison for about four

months. I lied about my age so that they wouldn’t send me back home,

and they believed me! I look back on this as a prime example of my insanity.

As for my spiritual self, well, that was non-existent. I had an emergency

God that I would pray to when I got locked up or in a tight situation. I

figured that God had pretty much checked me off the list and I was on my

own. My self-esteem was nothing to write home about. I had ceased to

think of myself as a person, much less someone who could love or be loved.

I felt as if I was spent and had a wet brain at sixteen. During the last six

months of using, I shot every chemical I could get my hands on and still

couldn’t get enough to find relief. I had never in my life felt so lonely and

hopeless. I felt as if I were sixty-five years old, and had experienced every-

thing of a hard and ugly nature. I had sold myself totally and completely.

160 Narcotics Anonymous

I had been raped several times, had an abortion, lived with six different men,

been beaten, and was now locked up again. None of this, however, was worse

than the prison I kept myself in.

In the condition I was in, it was not hard for me to surrender. It was

plain for me to see that the people I saw in the meetings were just not suf-

fering as much as I was. This was my first incentive to stay clean. I sup-

pose this was all that I stayed around for during my first year.

For the first year in the program, I was also in therapy. This was a great

excuse not to work the steps. Who needs a sponsor? I had a therapist. Who

needs to do a Fourth Step? I go to a group to dump all my feelings. As a

result of those rationalizations, I stayed depressed and unhappy, but a clean

person. I had yet to find recovery. Then something happened. I started

getting involved in service work. This put me in contact with an addict

who had experienced recovery. These were the people who talked about a

Higher Power, and turning over of the will. They also told me to get a spon-

sor and do a Fourth Step. Once again, I could see that these people weren’t

suffering as I was. So I followed their suggestions.

The first thing I did was to look at myself and surrender uncondition-

ally. I sincerely believed that a Higher Power could restore my sanity and

that I would stop trying to figure out what God’s will was, just accept things

for what they were, and be grateful.

I got a sponsor, took my Fourth Step, and shared my Fifth. It was right

about that time that I felt a real and true relief. I call this inner peace seren-

ity. With such great content, it was easy to continue through the steps.

I no longer hated myself for my defects, for I had faith that they would

be removed by my Higher Power, in His own time. I am no longer afraid

of my past. I know who I have wronged. I have squared with these people

and I am willing to square with those I cannot find.

I practice the Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth Steps on a daily basis, and

have experienced a 180 degree turnaround which I call recovery.

I really feel good today and I’m grateful to my Higher Power and Nar-

cotics Anonymous for giving me a recovery that I can enjoy and share with

other addicts.

Physician Addict 161

161

PHYSICIAN ADDICT

I have a recollection of sitting in my office late one afternoon listening to

the story of a heroin addict consulting me about a problem with his gall

bladder. He needed hospitalization and surgery and I was informing him

about the procedure he was about to undergo. I felt a strong sense of re-

vulsion as he confided to me about his habit and his concern about his need

for strong analgesics in the hospital. I told him in my own unknowing way

that it would be very helpful if he could at least stop using for a week or

two before the operation; I had ingrained images of him in acute with-

drawal, writhing around on the floor pleading for his next fix.

It had been a long day, and after the patient left I thought about his

terrible plight and the disgusting thing he was doing to himself. I sat back,

reached into my top drawer, pulled out a short-acting narcotic and syringe

and gave myself free passage into a world of relaxation from the tension

of the day. Like most physicians, I had practically no comprehension of

addiction in others and certainly no recognition of it in myself. I was a busy

surgeon insidiously developing a disease which cleverly had insinuated it-

self into my life. Addicts and addiction were foreign to my understand-

ing, and my medical school training had barely even touched upon the

subject. I was also the unknowing, indiscriminate supplier of thousands

of major and minor tranquilizers and narcotics to patients, many of whom

became addicts themselves.

From intermittent bottles of codeine cough syrup in the Air Force to in-

creasingly stronger medications for headache, insomnia, and stress, I de-

veloped a slow but progressive desire for something to ease my pain of

living. At some point, I crossed that magical line separating me, the ad-

dict, from the occasional user. I lied to cover up my habit, and yet my wife

always knew and this led to progressive deterioration in our marriage. I

would use late in each day and would arrive home in a semistuporous state,

eat a quick dinner and fall into bed early in the evening. By morning, I felt

rested and ready to face another day. The more I used, the more I felt an

162 Narcotics Anonymous

impending sense of doom and destruction. Periods of drug induced relax-

ation were often followed by periods of severe anxiety and depression. My

colleagues noticed the change and one recommended that I seek psychiat-

ric help. The pattern of my illness would have been obvious to any physi-

cian who knew as little as I did. On one occasion, I was actually caught and

confronted by a colleague, whose only comment to me was a cajoling cut it

out before you get into trouble.

I spent long hours spilling my emotions to the psychiatrist and for a

while things seemed better. I even used less for a while. But eventually I

got back into the regular and progressive pattern of using. The psychia-

trist even knew about some of the drugs I was using and allowed himself

to be manipulated by my own thoughts on the subject. I can stop anytime

and only take the drugs when I really need them to relax. How often has

the addict mouthed those words? Interestingly enough, at no time did the

psychiatrist or any of my friends or my wife ever use the word addict. Af-

ter all, in my social sphere, an addict was a degenerated, tattooed person

in a leather jacket who probably rode a motorcycle and committed heinous

crimes to pay for his heroin habit.

I was a successful surgeon, making a great deal of money, living in a

beautiful house and driving a beautiful car. I was supposedly an intelli-

gent man who had completed years of training. Had I been called an ad-

dict at that time, I would have laughed it off in a casual, arrogant fashion.

Ridiculous! But I was sinking deeper and deeper into a morass of depres-

sion and I didn’t even know why. I knew that I needed drugs, but I couldn’t

comprehend why. When I tried to stop, I could manage for a day, only to

be beset by a greater depression and all the physical sequelae of early with-

drawal. I would drive to work in the morning, and, promising that I would

not use that day, end up finding some excuse to give myself that ever less-

ening satisfaction and relief in the form of a pill or syringe. My life, with

all its positive fixtures to the onlooker from the outside, had become a liv-

ing hell, only partly aided by drugs, a thirst that could never be assuaged.

My wife would ask why I was doing this to myself, and I could answer

neither her nor myself. I had been in control of myself and my destiny up

to this point, or so I thought, and now in the midst of financial and profes-

sional success, I was dying a slow death. With millions in assets, I was pov-

erty-stricken emotionally and bankrupt spiritually. I was ready to die, but

held on for some strange reason because of a persistent, though steadily

waning love for my family.

Physician Addict 163

As if by some outside force, my life and future was then snatched from

a precipice as I was about to fall for the final time. I was confronted by

two concerned and worried physician colleagues who saw my condition

as one sees the summit tip of the iceberg peeking about the ocean. They

knew little of my problem and understood it as I understood it—not at all.

But they insisted that I seek out help or they would have to take measures

to protect me from myself and to protect patients. I was bereft of any stable

judgment, and had lost all my self-esteem and desire to live. I gave up at

that moment and called a hotline established for physicians. I met with an

individual a few hours later who started to listen to my story. After only a

few moments, and after seeing my physical and emotional condition, he held

up his hand as if to say stop. “You’re addicted. Do you want to do some-

thing about it?” he asked. When I answered “yes,” he stated that I needed

to be detoxified in a hospital. I put up a token resistance, but quickly ac-

quiesced and was taken to a drug rehabilitation center.

Nothing more seemed to matter; my pride was gone. I often reflect on

those last moments and how my self-will deteriorated to such a point where

I was ready to give in. I don’t understand even today what happened to

convince me to go into a hospital, and that was perhaps my first introduc-

tion to what I later grew to understand as a Higher Power in some way

watching over my life. Until the day I walked into the hospital and this

program, I was an intellectual and staunch atheist, who could not reconcile

any force outside myself in my comings and goings. I had always done

for myself and by myself and was convinced that man must make his way

alone in life. I was in for a rude awakening.

Some come into this program by attending meetings alone and some

are fortunate enough to be hospitalized, medically detoxified and gradu-

ally helped into the Program of Narcotics Anonymous. I am a stubborn

man and somehow I feel that nothing less than the intensive hospital course

was needed to turn my head. I entered the facility an arrogant, wealthy

physician devoid of humility and looking down upon the tragic, deplor-

able individuals around me. I had the audacity in my first moments in the

acute detoxification unit to ask the therapist for her qualifications and what

she thought she could do for me. She smiled at my hostility and merely

replied, “I’m clean, baby, and you aren’t for starters!”

People on the program often talk about reaching the bottom before be-

ing able to take the first step toward recovery. We are surrounded today

by people who have entered the group at what appear to be very different

164 Narcotics Anonymous

levels of personal, economic, and social collapse. But I feel that most have

reached their own bottom. Something inside cries out, “Enough, enough,

I’ve had enough,” and then they are ready to take that first and often most

difficult step toward dealing with their disease. So it was with me. With

all I had outwardly, I had lost almost everything inwardly. I had reached

my bottom as surely as the addict on skid row.

I remember clearly my fourth day in the hospital sitting in a session with

a group of male addicts, trying to remain somewhat aloof from the wretched

individuals around me. After all, I was a physician, not a bum! And the

man who was leading the session, noting my arrogance, suddenly turned

and staring icily at me asked, “What do you think about all this, junkie?”

Something inside me snapped at that moment and as the tears welled up

in my eyes, I sank into the deepest depression I had ever known, only to be

followed by a clearer vision of who I am than I had ever had before; and

from that moment on I was able to say without hesitation or qualification,

“I’m an addict.” That has made all the difference!

I began to change over the next few weeks and I began to attend N.A.

meetings regularly. I initially felt that it would be impossible to attend more

than one or two meetings a week. It just wouldn’t fit in with my busy sched-

ule. I later learned that my priorities were 110 degrees reversed. It was the

everything else that would have to fit into my meeting schedule. An indi-

vidual much wiser than I told me that my recovery had to come first, be-

fore everything else in my life, before my wife and children, before my job

and my friends, because if I didn’t make that commitment, I would lose all

those things anyway. So first things first, not using is the bottom line and

all else follows.

My program now consists of attending meetings regularly, reading the

literature and following the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability. I have

learned the meaning of the word honest, both with others and myself, and

I am slowly learning that once foreign word, humility. The program has

not only given me a way of not using drugs a day at a time, but has also

given me a program of living, also a day at a time, that had previously been

unknown to me. I have learned that in N.A. there is a veracity to such say-

ings as “I can’t, but we can,” and “keep coming back” to meetings. Most

of all, I am learning to accept myself for what I am.

Recently, I went on a skiing vacation in the mountains and I sought out

the fellowship of addicts at a meeting there. It was heartwarming to be im-

mediately welcomed into a new group so far from home, where I again met

Physician Addict 165

people from all walks of life united by our common bond. It’s a fellowship

that I cherish, for these people are helping me to stay drug free and help-

ing me to maintain my intellectual as well as physical recovery.

Recovery is a healing process from which I am emerging stronger and

more able to face the tasks ahead of me. It is sad that we must pass through

such hell before reaching the serenity of peace of mind in recovery. Over

the gates of Dante’s Inferno is a sign which reads, “Abandon all hope, ye

who enter here.” They fit well the portals of the addict’s personal hell. It

has been a slow but progressive passage back through those gates into a

world where there is once again hope for those who follow the N.A. Pro-

gram and its Twelve Steps out of the abyss of addiction.

As the years pass, I am sure that the growing awareness and under-

standing of addiction by the medical profession will parallel a public aware-

ness which will make Narcotics Anonymous and its program more prescient

of the world of the addict.

166 Narcotics Anonymous

166

PART OF THE SOLUTION

Living on a farm as a child I felt inferior and was shy around other people.

I was full of fear and became very angry when things didn’t go my way.

This behavior continued during my adolescent years.

When I was twenty-one years old, I married and still continued to try

and change reality, wanting everyone to agree with me, thinking I was right

and reacting with temper tantrums when people disagreed with me.

I became a mother of three children. With my first child I still felt in

control, with my second I became overwhelmed, with my third I felt des-

perate. I wanted somebody to take care of me, rather than me taking care

of others. Being responsible as a mother frightened me. Wanting to be per-

fect made me feel more scared and angry.

One day my husband went to our minister hoping something could be

done for me since I was so angry toward him and life in general. The min-

ister didn’t feel he could help me, so they found a psychologist in a city

two hundred miles away for me to drive to and from for weekly appoint-

ments. It was at this time that a mild tranquilizer was prescribed for me

by a doctor who was a friend of the psychologist. The psychologist was

kind and tried to be helpful, he thought that seeing him and taking medi-

cation would help me with my anger. Hopefully, I would start coping with

reality better. It wasn’t long until the psychologist thought I would be bet-

ter if I were put on a different tranquilizer; so with the help of the doctor,

my prescription was changed.

Still, my attitude did not change, so it was decided that our family

should move to the city where my psychologist lived and this would solve

the marital problems caused by my anger.

It was very early in my pill popping that I became dependent on them,

thinking that I could not exist without their help.

We continued to move as my husband’s jobs changed throughout the

midwest. Eventually I remember sitting in a rocking chair and the thought of

suicide crossed my mind, yet I told myself that my life wasn’t unmanageable.

Today, I believe that moment is when I crossed from dependency to addiction.

Part of the Solution 167

Continuing to use, abuse and overdosing my pills, I ended up in a hos-

pital in the psychiatric ward. It was at this time that I needed a psychia-

trist to visit me in the hospital to help me with my problems. The

psychiatrist came in and told me, “You don’t like yourself very well, do

you?” I said, “You aren’t telling me anything I don’t know.” I left the hos-

pital in a few days, and came home with the understanding that I would

see the psychiatrist weekly.

I would go to the psychiatrist’s office and things didn’t seem to get any

better. I was fearful that he would take my prescriptions for my pills away

from me because I was not taking them as prescribed.

Changing my prescription from one brand of pills to another brand didn’t

seem to help. When I didn’t have enough tranquilizers to take I would take

the anti-depressants. I expected the pills to be a miracle cure for reality.

I went to great lengths to get attention during my addiction. One day I

turned on the gas before my husband came home, making sure I turned it

off before he came in the door, thinking he would be alarmed and express

care about what happened to me. He was alarmed and decided, with the

help of the minister and psychiatrist, that I needed to go to the hospital for

more help. I knew from past experience that psychiatric wards didn’t seem

to help me with my mental problems.

Things calmed down for a while with me changing brands again and

seeing the psychiatrist to renew my prescription. In the meantime, I was

visiting a social worker, telling her when I was on one of the tranquilizers,

taking it as prescribed, making the world okay. “I wonder why everybody

isn’t taking this type of drug,” I thought. Approximately six weeks later,

the effects of the pills wore off and I was abusing them.

When the tranquilizers were running low, I’d overdose the anti-depressants

and toss and turn in bed feeling terrible but still using, abusing, and over-

dosing them. One night after taking several anti-depressants, I ended up

in the hospital on the cardiac ward, lying to the nurses about which pills I

had taken and being told that I should feel lucky to be going home so soon.

However, I didn’t feel lucky or care about living.

I was a pill counter, making sure I had enough of my drug of choice,

tranquilizers, left in my cupboard, thinking this was the way to face reality,

by taking pills each day.

One evening I dissolved fifty aspirin in a glass of water, drank it until

my ears rang, then dumped the rest of it out. This caused attention to be

focused on me in a negative manner.

168 Narcotics Anonymous

Eventually my husband and I parted, and I remarried. Less than a

month into my second marriage I became angry, stood at the kitchen sink,

pills in my hand, thinking “I have no reason to take them,” but swallow-

ing the handful anyway. After sharing with my husband what I had done,

he suggested I call a mutual friend that we had in the other fellowship. She

told me that I had a pill problem. It was revealed to me that I had a prob-

lem with tranquilizers.

I went to open meetings of the other fellowship and sat back, not want-

ing to level my pride and identify myself as a drug addict at N.A. or the

other fellowship.

I was not able to stay away from abusing pills and after my friend

moved to another city, it became apparent that if I wanted to live free of

mind-altering drugs, I had to go to meetings and admit I was a drug addict.

When I started going to N.A. after five months of living drug-free, the

obsession was lifted from me and a burning desire was given to me to stop

using. I would look at myself in the mirror and say out loud, “You are a

drug addict.” Between my first and second year, I was able to admit to my

innermost self that all pills, not just a select group, were a problem for me.

The first half of the First Step is the only part of the Twelve Steps I can

work perfectly a day at a time. Today a free gift has been given to me that

I am powerless over all mind-altering drugs.

For years, my pills were a power greater than myself. I took them for

the effect that they produced. Today, because of the grace of God, I have

been restored to sanity. The insanity of the Second Step is the thinking that

precedes the first fix, pill or drink.

My life is made up of daily situations which, if I want to live a life of

peace and serenity, I turn over to the care of God as I understand Him. Be-

ing willing to do this has made my life more manageable, for I am letting

go of my own self will run riot. Turning things over to a Higher Power

who cares helps me with my faith and trust that there is a divine plan for

my life. There is an acceptable place for me in society and the program. I

have taken this step with another human being.

When I wrote my inventory, it was suggested that I write about my an-

ger, fear and guilt. I wrote it as an autobiography, starting as far back as I

could remember, before I started school as a child, up to the time when I

came off drugs. I named the names of the people I resented, remembering

I was taking my own inventory and not that of others.

Part of the Solution 169

The Fifth Step I took with my first sponsor. With her I shared the dark

side of my life and, eventually, relief and freedom have come into my life.

My understanding is that if I share the wrongs I have done then the good

spiritual feelings will automatically become a part of my life.

The Sixth Step reminds me to become entirely ready to become honest,

open-minded and willing to have my defects of character removed. I listed

my defects in the inventory I wrote down, and in time more have been re-

vealed to me a day at a time.

Through working the Twelve Steps, the obsession and compulsion to

use will be removed. Having my shortcomings removed is a goal to strive

for for the rest of my days. It’s been shared that the Sixth and Seventh

Steps are often the forgotten steps of the program. I ask each day to have

my anger removed from my life.

I made a list of the people that I had harmed and have made direct

amends to them, including my children. Each day I don’t use, I am mak-

ing amends in kind to my Higher Power, myself, and society.

Today, I spot check myself when I’m off the spiritual beam and share

my resentments with another human being so they will be cut in half.

Each day, I say “please” in the morning and “thank you” at night. It

has been shared that those who sincerely say please won’t go back to using

(if you don’t think of it in the morning, say it when you think of it.) When

I heard this, I started making a business each day of saying “Please.” I read

literature from both fellowships and go to step meetings to help me grow

spiritually.

My way of living before I was an addict and after I became one didn’t

work, so I have had to work the steps and try to practice them in my daily

living so I can become useful and whole. Today, I’m grateful to be a part of

the solution, rather than the problem.

170 Narcotics Anonymous

170

RESENTMENT AT THE WORLD

I had living problems before I ever started using drugs. At an early age, I

developed a strong resentment against alcohol. I was hit by a car and the

driver was drunk. Later I had resentments toward gays after I was raped.

I had resentments towards my parents after I found out that I was born il-

legitimate. By the age of thirteen, I hated almost everyone.

I also started using at that age. My first experience with drugs was

smoking pot and drinking alcohol; it relieved me of all my pain. Although

I did get sick, that didn’t matter. I loved it anyway and I set out to find

ways not to get sick. I didn’t drink very much after that. I started getting

in trouble at home and at school. I was blaming my troubles on authority.

I started rebelling at school, and I refused to communicate in any way with

my father. Things just kept getting worse. If I didn’t have pot, I felt very

lonely and left out.

At about this time, I lost my ability to think clearly and as a result I got

thrown off the football team. I became very resentful over this. I blamed it

on one of my teammates because he told the coach that I was smoking pot.

At about this time, my parents decided to move because of my reputation.

They thought if I moved away, I would get better. This, of course, didn’t

work. Wherever I went, my disease went with me.

In the new town, I was introduced to harder drugs and I used them

because they took me further away from reality. I started using acid and

speed heavily, and I also started dealing. After a short time, I was busted

for dealing in school and I was sent to jail. This was the first of many times

to come. I was repeatedly getting busted in school so as soon as I could I

quit school.

After that I hit the streets; I was dealing acid and using it very heavily.

The progression of the disease set in. I kept getting locked up. I had no

one, and I would do anything to get my drugs.

As time went on, I just kept getting more into acid. Everyone told me I

was living in a fantasy world, and I was. I wouldn’t look at reality at all.

Resentment at the World 171

I had no time for it in my world. My spirituality had changed from Ro-

man Catholic to Satanism. I felt like I had no place in any kind of good

world.

I had tried to stop using many times, but it never worked because I

couldn’t deal with the world. I started to try suicide about this time. I didn’t

feel that I had any reason to live, but I was too afraid of death to kill my-

self. I felt totally insane after my last suicide attempt. I tried to kill my

brother. At that time my mother threw me out. When I was packing to

leave, it hit me that I was really sick, and I asked to be committed to a mental

institution. I saw a psychiatrist and he recommended a drug detox. I

wanted help, so I went.

When I was in detox, I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous and I

finally felt like I fit in somewhere. They showed me the Twelve Steps of

recovery and told me that if I used them I’d get better. Having been beaten

enough, I admitted to the First Step and I felt relieved.

The Second Step was hard for me to do at first, but I used the group as

the Power greater than myself. To believe in God, I had to pray for faith

and shortly the belief came to me. At this time, I took a Third Step, which I

followed by a Fourth and Fifth Step. At that time, I experienced a relief

and freedom as I hadn’t experienced anytime in life. I used the rest of the

steps to keep my life in order, and a sponsor helped me do the steps.

Now I go to meetings at least six times a week. In meetings, I found

that I can share with other people involved with recovery. We have a com-

mon bond.

A few months ago, I went to my first service conference, which gave

me the faith to start new meetings in the area where I lived. At the time,

we only had one meeting a week and now there are seven meetings a week.

Being involved in service makes me feel worthwhile.

172 Narcotics Anonymous

172

MID-PACIFIC SERENITY

I am a happy, grateful drug addict, clean by the grace of God and the Twelve

Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. Life today is fulfilling and there is joy in

my heart.

It wasn’t always this way. I drank and used drugs for twelve years, on

a daily basis for ten of them. I was an addict of the hopeless variety. It

really seems to me that I was born this way.

I was born and raised in Southern California, in a loving middle class

family. Both my sister and I were wanted, loved children and were shown

that in every way. As far back as I can remember, I have felt separate from

this family and all of life. Of course, I am talking of an intense fear of life.

I cannot remember feeling the simplicity of being a child.

I had the addict’s personality growing up, self will run riot. I always

wanted my own way, and if I didn’t get it, I sure let everyone know.

Growing up in Southern California, I seemed to get into all the normal

things, going to the beach, getting into sports, yet always the fears and feel-

ings of inadequacy never let me live up to my potential.

I was an average student throughout school, had lots of friends yet I

withdrew, dominated by the fear. I guess I was about fifteen when I tried

my first drug, alcohol. From the first drink it was oblivion. Finally I had

found freedom from fear, or so I thought. From the beginning I identified

with the rejects, the people who slept on the beach, under the piers.

As I look back over these twelve years, I see how I loved each new drug

I tried. Alcohol was only the beginning; if it got you loaded, I wanted to

try it and I always wanted more. It didn’t matter if it was sniffing glue or

shooting the best coke or heroin. I wasn’t a rich, choosy addict, I just needed

to stay high and all my energy was put into that direction.

I quit school in the twelfth grade. Surfing had become part of my life,

so it was off to Hawaii. My parents were very confused about their son

who didn’t do a very good job of hiding his desperation. To all who were

sane and living life, I appeared very lost and unhappy. You see, it was a

Mid-Pacific Serenity 173

very short time after I started using, that the alcohol and drugs quit doing

for me what they did in the beginning. The fear had returned, only much

worse than before.

My first trip to Hawaii in 1962 was only the beginning of many more

to come, always trying to run from myself. Hawaii was, and is, a paradise,

but I only saw it through the eyes of being loaded. Thanks to the warm

weather, it was easy to pursue the only life I knew, the way of life was to

wander the streets and sleep in parked cars or other available shelters. At

the age of nineteen, I was back in Hawaii for the third time, a full-blown

addict and so lost and confused I only knew I had to drink and use drugs

and there was no other way.

Returning to California at the end of the summer of 1963, I found my-

self joining the Navy. Being lost, that seemed to be the easiest thing to do,

just sign my name. It was easier than looking for a job. I was so burned

out already and wanted something different, yet didn’t know how to ask

for help. The Navy, of course, was not the answer. The drugs continued

and after two years I was discharged. The psychiatrist said my mind had

become disordered from the use of marijuana and LSD, plus I had jumped

overboard in rage at the Navy.

I convinced myself that once I got out of the Navy things would be differ-

ent, no one would be telling me what to do, but I met a new friend at this point,

the world of fixing. This was in 1965 and the next six years were the worst

years of my life. As I see it today, those years got me into the program.

After getting out of the Navy, I got married. How and why this woman

married me is a mystery even today. On our wedding night, I shot some

dope and slept on Venice Beach with my dogs. This is the type of behavior

a selfish, self-centered addict has, concerned only with himself and getting

loaded. The way I was able to stay loaded was by dealing, always being

the middle man. The house where we lived was being watched, it was on

the Venice canal in Venice, California.

My parents knew what was going on, so with my wife four months

pregnant they helped us get out of there, and it was back to Hawaii. We

lived on the north shore, it was a more isolated part of Oahu, lots of young

people lived there. This was the year 1967 and at this time, LSD was really

popular and everyone was into the spiritual thing; Eastern religion and gu-

rus. There were two Harvard professors who were taking LSD and saying

that you could find God, so I thought all that love, peace, and joy sounded

good. I wanted out of the feelings that I was having. Fear dominated my

174 Narcotics Anonymous

life. I had been shooting a lot of speed in California the past year. I de-

cided to clean up my life in Hawaii, so I took psychedelics, smoked hash-

ish and tried to meditate.

Somewhere I had read that when the student was ready, the teacher

would appear. Little did I know that the Program of Narcotics Anonymous

was about to be introduced to me, and that it would become my teacher.

I was able to stay away from shooting dope that year. My wife and I had

a baby girl and were on welfare, living in the country. I seemed to be fitting

right into the movement of the time; flower children, the everything is beauti-

ful consciousness. Yet still, inside, everything wasn’t beautiful.

There was a four bedroom house next door to us for rent, and one day

this woman appeared and told us that God had told her that she was sup-

posed to live there. She was in her fifties, had long gray hair to her waist

and wore a bikini most of the time. She had no money, but said she was

led to this house.

This woman seemed to radiate a feeling of love and joy that I had never

felt from anyone else before. Immediately upon meeting her, I felt as if I

had known her forever. Something in me was drawn to her. Little did I

know that she was to become my sponsor, and play such a big part in my

life! This was the beginning of a journey that even today amazes me. It is

a way of life, a way of learning complete trust in a Higher Power. Through

a series of miracles, which I now have come to see as quite normal to my

life, this woman ended up in this house with the rent paid every month.

Needless to say, this house became a program house.

A meeting was started at this house. It was called the Beachcombers Spiri-

tual Progress Traveling Group and through the years it has traveled through-

out the United States, from Hawaii to the East coast, and through Europe twice,

always attracting the addict who still suffers, offering a way up and out.

I remember my first meeting at this house in 1968. For the first time, I

felt as if I really belonged. Not so much because I heard people talk of us-

ing drugs as I had, but because they spoke of what was going on inside.

For the first time, I found out that other people had fears also. Yet with all

the hope this meeting brought me, it was only the beginning of a three year

period that I would not want to live through again.

I identified from that first meeting and wanted a new way of life. I

would stay clean for a short period, and then I would use again. First I

would just pick up a beer or smoke a joint, but I would always end up shoot-

ing dope again. I couldn’t understand it then, today I realize that I still had

reservations. There was still that thought that I could use.

Mid-Pacific Serenity 175

In the year 1970 I stayed clean for three months two different times. The

last time was right before Christmas, I smoked two joints and went into con-

vulsions. After that, I took two downs once and that was it. For almost an

entire year I didn’t know what it was to be clean again. I drank, took pills,

and shot cocaine and heroin daily.

Living on the North Shore made it easy to stay out of trouble. There

weren’t many police in that area. I stayed loaded, my wife left and I knew

that I would never stay clean again. One time I ran out of dope and I shot

several hundred milligrams of caffeine tablets and went into the shakes for

hours. I seemed to be so desperate to die. Although I never woke up in

the gutter or on skid row, I woke up on the beach, under a palm tree, with

my face in the sand. The feelings were the same, skid row is in the mind.

I really feel that it doesn’t matter what or how much we use, where we

live or how much money we have, it’s what is going on inside that counts.

For me, I knew I was dying but still couldn’t stop. I’d given up on N.A.,

everyone I knew in the program had left. My sponsor and a group of clean

addicts were in Europe and one of the clean addicts was living on another is-

land and would call every so often to see if I was still alive.

On the morning of October 20, 1971, I woke up with dope in the house

and for some reason I walked out to the beach and didn’t get loaded the

moment I opened my eyes. I remember it was a gray, overcast day and I

was feeling hopeless. I just sat on the beach crying, just wanting to die; I

couldn’t go on. A feeling went through me that I never experienced before

in my life. I felt warm and peaceful inside. A voice said, “It’s over, you

never have to use again.” I felt a peace I had never felt before.

I returned to the house, packed some stuff and headed for the airport.

I was going to the island of Maui, where my clean friend was. My recov-

ery started with miracles. I had no money, yet I was led to the right places

at the right times and I got to Maui. I walked in and told him that I was

ready to go to any lengths to stay clean. Staying clean today goes a long

way beyond not taking that first fix, pill or drink; it is a way of life, a life

that I call an adventure.

I have an outline for living, it is the Twelve Steps of N.A. I either prac-

tice and live these steps or I die! I really believe that a person who stays

clean for any amount of time is staying clean through periods when it seems

to make no sense to stay clean. I feel we all have felt like that at one time

or another.

176 Narcotics Anonymous

I’ve stayed clean by the grace of God. The steps have become my life. I’ve

had to take many inventories, the Fourth and Fifth Steps, and I will continue

to have to write down what is going on inside me and give it away.

For me, this is the way it works; keep giving away the old and making

room for the new. For me, it never gets really easy to do, usually I have to

be backed up against the wall and humiliated and then I share. They say

that this is a program of action, that you can’t keep it without giving it away;

how true it is. In the beginning, I thought I had to say all the right things

and save everyone. Today I realize I only have what’s in my heart to share.

Today, I can walk into a meeting and if I am full of the Father’s love, then I

share it, yet there are times that I walk into a meeting and want to throw

the coffee pot through the window. Yet I have to stay honest, for that’s the

way I stay clean.

I know today that staying clean and having a relationship with God as

I understand Him is the most important thing in my life. When I do that

and carry the message to the ones who still suffer, than all else is provided

in my life. I really believe that I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.

I carry the message by letting the newcomer know who I am inside and

sharing how I work the steps one day at a time.

Since getting clean in 1971, life has been anything but boring. I have

traveled all over. My sponsor was an able example of following your heart,

and that wherever we went, N.A. was alive. Our houses were always open,

with a coffee pot going. We started meetings wherever we arrived. Some-

times we had no money, but we went out to do our primary purpose and

God always showed us the way.

My sponsor died three years ago with eighteen years clean. Most of

the group has family now, and we’re scattered around the United States,

learning different lessons, yet N.A. always comes first. Today, I am mar-

ried and pursue different things than during the first seven years of my re-

covery, yet I know that the only way I can have any outside gifts is to put

this program and God first. We really have found a way up and out, and

so long as we keep giving it away, no matter if it is love and joy or tears

and fears, it will be all right.

Today I live because people are there who care and will listen. I really

believe in magic, for my life is full of it. God is loving us now.

The Vicious Cycle 177

177

THE VICIOUS CYCLE

I am Gene and I am an addict. In writing this I hope that I can help other

addicts like myself, who are trying to overcome their addiction by substi-

tuting one thing for another. That was my pattern. I started drinking, when-

ever possible, at the age of fourteen. With this I added weed so that I could

feel at ease and be comfortable with my surroundings in the social activi-

ties in high school.

At seventeen, I started on heroin and quickly became addicted. After

using heroin for one and a half years, I decided to admit myself to an insti-

tution. When they accepted my application, I got scared and joined the Army

after kicking at home. I thought that being away from my environment I

would be able to solve my problem.

Even here I found myself going AWOL to get more heroin. I was then

shipped to Europe and thought that if I just drank, that would be the an-

swer, but again I found nothing but trouble. Upon my release I came back

home to the same environment. Again I was using heroin and various other

drugs. This lasted about two years.

The rat race really began when I tried to clean up—cough syrup,

bennies, fixes, etc. By now, I didn’t know where one addiction left off and

the other started. A year before I came to Narcotics Anonymous I found

myself hopelessly addicted to cough syrup, drinking five or six four-ounce

bottles a day. I needed help so I went to a doctor; he prescribed dexedrine

and would give me a shot that made me feel good. I found myself going to

him practically every day.

This continued for about eight months and I was very happy with my

new found legal addiction. I was also getting codeine from a different doc-

tor. I now became insanely afraid and began drinking too. This went on

around the clock for a month and I ended up in a mental institution. After

being released from the hospital, I thought I was free from narcotics and

now I could drink socially. I soon found out I could not. It was then that I

sought help from N.A.

178 Narcotics Anonymous

Here I learned that my real problem did not lie in the drugs that I had

been using, but in a distorted personality that had developed over the years

of my using and even before that. In N.A. I was able to help myself with

the help of others in the Fellowship. I find I am making progress in facing

reality and I’m growing a day at a time. I find new interests now that mean

something, and realize that that was one of the things which I was looking

for in drugs.

Sometimes I still find it difficult to face things, but I’m no longer alone

and can always find someone to help me over the rough and confused spots.

I have finally found people like myself who understand how I feel. I’m now

able to help others to find what I have, if they really want it. I thank God,

as I understand Him, for this way of life.

I Was Different 179

179

I WAS DIFFERENT

My story may differ from the others you have heard, in that I was never

arrested or hospitalized. I did, however, reach the point of utter despair

which so many of us have experienced. It is not my track record that shows

my addiction but rather my feelings and my life. Addiction was my way of

life-the only way of life I knew for many years.

Thinking back, I must have taken one look at life and decided I didn’t

want any part of it. I came from a “good old-fashioned,” upper-middle-class

broken home. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been strung out. As

a small child, I found out I could ease the pain with food, and here my drug

addiction began.

I became part of the pill mania of the 1950’s. Even at this time I found

it hard to take medication as directed. I figured that two pills would do twice

as much good as one. I remember hoarding pills, stealing from my mother’s

prescriptions, having a hard time making the pills last until the next refill.

I continued to use in this way throughout my early years. When I was

in high school and the drug craze hit, the transition between drugstore dope

and street dope was a natural. I had already been using drugs on a daily

basis for nearly ten years; these drugs had virtually stopped working. I was

plagued with adolescent feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. The only

answer I had was that if I took something I either was, felt or acted better.

The story of my street using is pretty normal. I used anything and ev-

erything available every day. It didn’t matter what I took so long as I got

high. Drugs seemed good to me in those years. I was a crusader; I was an

observer; I was afraid; and I was alone. Sometimes I felt all-powerful and

sometimes I prayed for the comfort of idiocy—if only I didn’t have to think.

I remember feeling different—not quite human—and I couldn’t stand it. I

stayed in my natural state . . . LOADED.

In 1966, I think, I got turned on to heroin. After that, like so many of

us, nothing else would do the thing for me. At first I joy-popped occasion-

ally, and then used only on weekends; but a year later I had a habit, and

180 Narcotics Anonymous

two years later I flunked out of college and started working where my con-

nection worked. I used stuff and dealt, and ran for another year-and-a-half

before I got “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I found myself strung out and no longer able to function as a human

being. During this last year of my using, I started looking for help. Noth-

ing worked! Nothing helped!

Somewhere along the line I had gotten the telephone number of a man

in N.A. Against my better judgment and without hope, I made what may

well be the most important phone call of my life.

No one came to save me; I wasn’t instantly cured. The man simply said

that if I had a drug problem, I might benefit from the meetings. He gave

me the address of a meeting for that night. It was too far to drive, and be-

sides I was kicking. He also gave me the address of another meeting a couple

of days later and closer to home. I promised him I’d go and have a look.

When the night came, I was deathly afraid of getting busted, and afraid of

the dope fiends I would find there. I knew I wasn’t like the addict you read

about in books or newspapers. Despite these fears I made my first meet-

ing. I was dressed in a three piece black suit, black tie, and eighty-four hours

off a two-and-a-half year run. I didn’t want you to know what and who I

was. I don’t think I fooled anybody, I was screaming for help, and every-

body knew it. I really don’t remember much of that first meeting, but I must

have heard something that brought me back. The first feeling I do remem-

ber on this program was the gnawing fear that because I’d never been busted

or hospitalized for drugs, I might not qualify and might not be accepted.

I used twice during my first two weeks around the program, and finally

gave up. I no longer cared whether or not I qualified, I didn’t care if I was

accepted, I didn’t even care what the people thought of me. I was too tired

to care.

I don’t remember exactly when, but shortly after I gave up, I began to

get some hope that this program might work for me. I started to imitate

some of the things the winners were doing. I got caught up in N.A. I felt

good, it was great to be clean for the first time in years.

After I’d been around for about six months, the novelty of being clean

wore off, and I fell off that rosy cloud I’d been riding. It got hard. Some-

how I survived that first dose of reality. I think the only things I had going

for me then were the desire to stay clean, no matter what; faith that things

would work out okay so long as I didn’t use; and people who were willing

to help when I asked for help. Since then, it’s been an uphill fight; I’ve had

I Was Different 181

to work to stay clean. I’ve found it necessary to go to many meetings, to

work with newcomers, to participate in N.A., to get involved. I’ve had to

work the Twelve Steps the best I could, and I’ve had to learn to live.

Today, my life is much simpler. I have a job I like, I’m comfortable in

my marriage, I have real friends, and I’m active in N.A. This type of life

seems to suit me fine. I used to spend my time looking for the magic-those

people, places, and things, which would make my life ideal. I no longer have

time for magic. I’m too busy learning how to live. It’s a long slow process.

Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. Sometimes I think “What’s the use.”

Sometimes I back myself into that corner of self-obsession and think there’s

no way out. Sometimes I think I can’t stand life’s problems anymore, but

then this program provides an answer and the bad times pass.

Most of the time life’s pretty good. And sometimes life is great, greater

than I can ever remember. I learned to like myself and found friendship. I

came to know myself a little bit and found understanding. I found a little

faith, and from it, freedom. And I found service and learned that this pro-

vides the fulfillment I need for happiness.

182 Narcotics Anonymous

182

POTHEAD!

My mother started calling me a pothead when I was fifteen. Today when

I go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting I call myself an addict.

My first addiction was to food. I remember my mom putting me on a

diet when I was five years old and I’ve been on one ever since. I’ve always

had problems dealing with my feelings and socializing with people. I was

born into an alcoholic family and we were not encouraged to express our feel-

ings. I didn’t know it was okay to be angry, sad, and depressed. As a child I

isolated myself in my room and read. I don’t remember going outside to play

with my friends. I do remember hurting inside and feeling sorry for myself.

I continued to get sicker inside and when my older sister offered to turn

me on to a joint in the seventh grade, I accepted. I had told myself I would

never smoke marijuana, but I thought I was smart enough to handle it.

Problems associated with using began happening immediately. I started

skipping school, I lost interest in my pastimes and I was getting in trouble

at home. My attitude was rotten. I was belligerent and indifferent. I thought

I was cool and getting high was the in thing. I began to realize that I was

having a problem with pot when I bought a bag for my thirteenth birthday

and it was all gone before the big day even arrived. My friends told me

that was not normal. I tried to quit that summer, and I did, for three months.

When I started getting high again it was worse. I was smoking more

pot and started taking a few chemicals. I started school again, and it was

obvious I had a problem. I would go to school high and then skip school

to get high again. My grades dropped from A’s to C’s and D’s. Luckily we

moved and my parents never saw my grades.

I met a girl who was also in junior high and who liked to party, so we

started using together. I managed to maintain through junior high. In high

school my addiction started progressing more rapidly. I drank occasion-

ally. I didn’t like to drink because I always got sick. I took acid and speed

occasionally, but I dropped out of high school my first year. I went back

the second year and I dropped out again.

Pothead! 183

I got a G.E.D. the spring of my junior year and was sent to the state

hospital that summer. I was suicidal. I thought I should kill myself be-

cause of all the things that I had done and since I didn’t, the world was

going to end. I lost it and I didn’t think that would ever happen to me, I

was too smart. My friend, parents, and doctors told me it was the drugs. I

could still handle it and started smoking pot again. In eight months I was

worse. I was smoking pot every day and selling it to support my habit. I

had tripped a few more times and was taking speed to lose weight. I ended

up in the hospital again, except this time it was a treatment center.

The first few weeks were a struggle. I still wasn’t sure what was real

and what wasn’t. I was afraid. I didn’t know what was going to happen

to me. I was too scared to go to meetings. I thought everybody belonged

to some weird cult. The people gave me phone numbers and told me to

call. I didn’t go to meetings, and I relapsed. I remember feeling like I didn’t

belong in N.A. because pot was really my problem although I had used

other drugs. I read the little white pamphlet Narcotics Anonymous. It said

an addict was someone who “lived to use and used to live” and that our

lives and thinking were centered on getting and using drugs. That sounded

like me. Then it said they didn’t care what drug I used and the only re-

quirement for membership was the honest desire to stop using. I thought,

“Well, maybe, just maybe they would let me stay.” I started going to a meet-

ing every day or I talked with another addict. The members told me they

needed me and I began to feel a part of! I attended regularly and tried to

support new meetings. I learned about the steps and I tried to work them.

I didn’t use, I took inventories, I made amends, and I prayed. That’s one

of the things I’m grateful for is having the freedom to have a God as I un-

derstood Him. One day I realized I was being freed from my addiction.

The obsession and the compulsion were no longer the dominating force in

my life; growing spiritually was.

I got a sponsor and I talked to her. I listened to others who had clean

time. I watched others, hoping I could learn from their mistakes, like what

happens to people who don’t go to meetings. I learned about spiritual prin-

ciples, honesty, openmindedness, willingness, humility, gratitude, forgive-

ness, and love. I slowly grew to accept myself, to love myself, and to love

others. I’m still growing in these areas. I’ve heard it shared, I am able to

love others, for I know I am loved. N.A. has given me the love I needed to

grow. I worked on being willing and on helping others. I learned about

service work. It started with picking up ashtrays, giving members rides to

184 Narcotics Anonymous

meetings, cleaning up after meetings, to being secretary of a group and tak-

ing meetings to institutions. I’ve learned that being of service is a way to

show my gratitude to N.A. for saving my life.

I feel real privileged to be clean today. I’m twenty years old now and

I’ve been around the program for over 2-1/2 years.

Some days are better

than others and other days, all I can do is hang on with both hands. I’ve

learned that it’s on my bad days that I can grow the most. I just keep on

believing that it’ll all be right as long as I don’t use. I still do the same things

I did in the first year of my recovery. I say “please” in the morning, “thank

you” at night, go to meetings, read the literature, live the steps, and talk to

other addicts.

Thanks to N.A. one of my greatest joys was the day I realized that just

for today, I never have to use again!

*Written in 1980

I Can’t Do Any More Time 185

185

I CAN’T DO ANY MORE TIME

I came to the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous as an addict, out of an

institution for women. I came the first night I got out and it’s been here

that I’ve learned how to live, so that it hasn’t been necessary for me to use

any kind of drugs in my daily life. It has been here that I’ve learned a lot

about myself, because we addicts are so very much alike. I’ve always seen

another side of myself whenever problems and suggested solutions have

been discussed at our meetings. I have learned, from those who are follow-

ing the program of recovery to the best of their ability, how I can do the

same if I am willing to make the effort. I have also learned from those who

have made mistakes. I feel bad when I see that some leave this Fellowship

to try the old way again, but I know that I don’t have to do that if I don’t want

to. Also it has not been necessary for me to steal or to write any bad checks.

My addiction goes way back. I was drinking abusively, when I first

started at sixteen, and I realize today that the reason for that was I was sick

to begin with. I had this emotional illness and it was very deep. I don’t think

that if I hadn’t been emotionally ill to begin with, that I would have gotten

carried away with using. When it became noticeable that I was using alcohol

more and more, being in the nursing profession, I tried experimenting with

other drugs. It grew and grew and became a horrible problem.

Although this is certainly a suicidal path in itself, when I was aware

and in a lucid moment, I did realize I was hopelessly addicted. I did not

know that there was any answer. There really wasn’t at that time. I was in

San Francisco, not knowing which way to turn, when I tried suicide and

was unsuccessful. I was twenty-six years old at that time. I now think that

if it had been possible for me, I would have come to this program at that

same age as a lot who are here today.

My pattern, however, continued. I had lost not only my self-respect but

the respect and love of my family, my children, and my husband. I had lost

my home and my profession. Somehow or other, I hadn’t reached the point

where I wanted to try this way of life or to try it all the way. I just had to

186 Narcotics Anonymous

go on and try in my own way. I tried drugs again and was finally commit-

ted to another institution three times. The last time I went there I just felt

that I couldn’t do any more time. I didn’t immediately connect it with my

addiction. I just couldn’t do any more time. It wasn’t the thought, “I can’t

use drugs,” just, “I can’t do any more time.” I just felt completely hopeless

and helpless and I didn’t have any answers. All of my emotional and spiri-

tual pride had gone.

I’m sure that when I was in the institution they doubted my sincerity

in ever wanting to do anything about my problem. However, I did want to

do something about it, and I know that this program doesn’t work until

we really do want it for ourselves. It’s not for people who need it but for

people who want it. I finally wanted it so bad I knocked on doors of psy-

chiatrists, psychologists, chaplains and anywhere I could.

I think one of my counselors, who just naturally loves all people, gave

me a lot of encouragement, for I thoroughly took my first three steps. I ad-

mitted I was powerless over my addiction, that my life was unmanageable.

I had tried so many other things, so I decided a Power greater than myself

could restore my sanity. To the best of my ability I turned my life and my

will over to the care of God as I understood Him, and I tried in my daily

life to understand God.

I had read all kinds of metaphysical books. I agreed with them and

thought they were great, but I never took any action on them. I never tried

any faith in my daily living. It’s amazing how after I had gotten just this

far, I began to get a little honesty and could see myself as I was. I doubted

that I could get honest, but I became aware of myself by looking outside

myself at the addicts around me, by getting to know them and understand

them, by being friendly with them.

I would like to give credit where credit is due, and I do believe that my

daily attendance at psychotherapy groups with very understanding psy-

chologists helped me become aware of myself so that I might do something

about my problem; but when I came out, I thought, “Oh! Can I make it out-

side?” So many times institutions took so many years out of my life that I

wondered if I could stay clean and do ordinary things. I doubted whether I

could go ahead with just normal living, but God has seen fit to see that I

have been provided for in this last year and a half. I’ve been able to work

regularly, I didn’t have steady jobs at first, but there was never any long

period in between them.

I Can’t Do Any More Time 187

Although for a time I threw out the idea of going back to my profes-

sion, which is nursing, I have since reconsidered this and am now in the

process of perhaps returning to full-time nursing. With the help of some very

understanding people I have met, the future here looks very bright. In the

meantime, I give myself to my job every day, as best I can, and have been

doing it successfully, despite the fact that when I left the institution for the

last time everyone thought I was unemployable.

To me this is a spiritual program and the maintenance and growth of a

spiritual experience. Without the kind of help and the therapy of one ad-

dict talking to and helping another, I know that it wouldn’t have been pos-

sible for me. The obsession to use drugs has been completely removed from

me during this period, and I know that it’s only by the grace of God, I now

give my attention to my daily problems. It’s amazing, having had a pat-

tern of fear, anxiety, resentment and self-pity, how much of this too has been

removed. No longer do these sway my life. I ask for help every morning

and I count my blessings every night, and I’m real grateful that I don’t have

to go through the sickness that accompanies the taking of drugs of any kind.

I think one of the biggest things that helped me here was that this is a

program of complete abstinence. I got over the idea that I had a “dual prob-

lem.” I don’t have a problem with this drug or that drug, I have a living

problem, and this is all I need to think about today.

I got a lot of help from my sponsor when it seemed that everyone had

let me down, both family and friends. I don’t know what I would have done

had it not been for the doors that she opened in her letters. She shared her

experience, her strength and her hope with me, and it was very beneficial.

She continues to be my very good friend. Here in N.A. I have found a fam-

ily, friends, and a way of life. My own family has also been restored to me

through working these steps, and not through directly working on the prob-

lem. A lot of wonderful things have happened to me. I can’t conceive of any-

thing ever happening that would make me want to forget this way of life.

188 Narcotics Anonymous

188

FAT ADDICT

I am an addict. I used at least fifty different types of drugs on an ongoing

basis for a period of eighteen years. I didn’t know it when I started using,

but I used drugs only for one reason—because I didn’t like the way I felt. I

wanted to feel better. I spent eighteen years trying to feel different. I couldn’t

face the everyday realities of life. Being a fat kid, fat all my life, I felt re-

jected.

I was born in Arizona in 1935 and I moved to California in the early

1940’s. My family moved around from state to state and my father was mar-

ried several times. He was a binge drinker; either he was in a state of self-

righteousness or a state of complete degradation. This is one of the many

reasons we moved so often.

As I moved from school to school, I would relate various experiences

that I had and I would talk about my various stepmothers. For some rea-

son, I was thought to be a liar. It seemed the only company that accepted

me, no matter where I went, was the so-called lower level people, and I

never felt I was a lower level person. It made me feel like I had some self-

worth by being able to look down on them.

My family life was confused and painful, but a lot of sound moral val-

ues were passed on to me in my upbringing. I always made the attempt to

stay employed. As a matter of fact, on most occasions I managed to be self-

employed in some type of business. I was even able to maintain some civic

status by belonging to fraternal organizations.

I was 5’5" tall, and weighed 282 pounds. I ate compulsively to try and

handle my feelings and emotions and to make me feel better. As a matter

of fact, this is how I originally got into using heavy drugs. I wanted to lose

weight so desperately that I became willing to use heroin. I thought I would

be smart enough not to get hooked, that I could use and lose my appetite,

feel good and outsmart the game. I bounced around the country and ended

up in penitentiaries and jails. This was the beginning of the end; not only

was I a compulsive overeater and remained fat, but I was also addicted to

the drugs I was using.

Fat Addict 189

Somebody told me about the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous when

I was in the complete stage of degradation and desperation. Having no place

to go, I walked into this Fellowship feeling as low as a person can feel, like

there was no way out. I was completely and totally morally bankrupt. I

knew nothing about spiritual values. I knew nothing about living. Life ul-

timately was nothing but pain on a daily basis. All I knew was to put some-

thing in me—food or drugs—or to abuse sex to feel good, which just didn’t

do it for me anymore. I just couldn’t get enough of anything.

When I came to this program, I found something that I had never ex-

perienced before—total acceptance for who and what I was. I was invited

to keep coming back to a Fellowship that told me there were no fees or

dues—that I had already paid my dues via my past life—and that if I kept

coming back, I would find total freedom and a new way of life.

Today, many years later, I find that I am free from addiction and com-

pulsive overeating, and I have status in the community. I have a nice home

and family, an executive position, and most of all I have a personal rela-

tionship with my God, which has made all these things possible. I am able

to feel good, to feel joyful and blissful, to feel serenity, even when things

are not as good as they might be.

There is no question about it, I owe my life to the Narcotics Anonymous

Fellowship and God. I can only extend my hope that if you too are suffer-

ing as I once was, you will practice the principles of Narcotics Anonymous,

and find freedom from pain and a meaningful, prosperous life.

190 Narcotics Anonymous

190

EARLY SERVICES

I started using and drinking when I was about ten years old. My stepfa-

ther and I would go down to his boat and drink beer and smoke pot. Then

he would force me to engage in homosexual acts with him. I was always

very scared that he would beat me up. By age eleven, my drinking had

gotten worse, and he did start beating me. I finally went to my mother.

She told me that we needed him to support us, for me to just do whatever

he said, and don’t make waves.

By age twelve, I couldn’t take it at home any more. I stole a hundred

dollars from my mom and left home. After being gone for three nights, a

man came up to me and asked if I wanted to earn some money. I agreed

because I was almost broke by this time. I went to his house to take a

shower. After I got dressed and came out, he asked if I took drugs. I said,

“I like everything.” We snorted some cocaine and he started taking off my

pants. The next day, he took me to his friend’s house. On the way there he

said, “You are going to get good money and all the drugs you want.”

When we arrived, movie cameras were set up and I began my career

in porno films. There were also two men in the bathroom fixing heroin and

this was my first experience with heroin. By this time I had no feelings of

self worth and I did not care whom I hurt or what I did to hurt anyone else.

By the time I was 14½, I had my first overdose of heroin. When I got

out of intensive care, it was hard for my sugar daddy to find me a recov-

ery house. He finally got me into an adult program because he knew some

people. At this program, I went to my first N.A. meeting. I was scared,

lonely and didn’t want anything to do with anyone. At my second meet-

ing, I threw a chair at the leader. I kept coming back for ninety days and I

had to celebrate. I went out and got a fix. I thought it would be easy to get

ninety days again. But after I went back out, I couldn’t even get one day.

I decided that I couldn’t clean up where I was, so I relocated three thou-

sand miles away. Things got worse. I had to turn tricks to support my

habit. One night, I blacked out in a club, got violent and was taken to a

Early Services 191

mental hospital. The doctors kept me so severely sedated that I wandered

around in a shuffle. Because I was only fifteen, the doctors called my fa-

ther who I hadn’t seen for two years. He came and got me. When we got

into town, he dropped me off and said, “Call me sometime.” At that point,

I thought I might want to stop using. For the first time I can remember, I

cried. I just sat at the airport and cried. I got right back into tricking and

using, but I was so tired of lying, hustling, stealing, and using that I went

to a meeting.

I had just fixed before the meeting, but because I wanted to be accepted,

I got up and said that I had six months clean. Then I went outside because

I knew I was dying and I didn’t know how to scream for help. My stepfa-

ther was at the meeting and I didn’t even remember what he looked like.

He followed me outside and said, “We have to get you in a recovery house.”

Then he looked me straight in the eye and said, “I love you.” For the first

time in my life I knew he cared. He then found a recovery house that would

accept me.

Before I got to the recovery house, however, I overdosed on barbiturates

in a telephone booth while telling someone how to get to where I was so

they could take me to the house. I stayed in the recovery house for thirty

days.

I go to a meeting every day now, and usually make eight or ten a week.

Every morning when I get up I look at myself in the mirror and say, “I’m

okay for today. God, just for today, keep me clean.”

I’m almost four months clean, and I hurt most of the time. But today, I

know that without this program, I will die. At this point in my recovery, I

am actively involved in N.A. service. It keeps me busy and shows me a

spiritual part of the program I never knew was there. I am slowly learning

to trust my fellow members and know that I never have to be alone again.

Today, I know there is hope.

192 Narcotics Anonymous

192

I FELT HOPELESS

No one in my family ever used drugs except as prescribed by a doctor. In

fact, no one in my family even drank and I was taught that drunks and ad-

dicts could not solve their own personal and emotional problems and were

moral degenerates. That’s what I thought.

In high school I started to use drugs because they helped me feel good

about myself. I was so self-conscious and embarrassed about my looks that

sometimes I just felt subhuman. I started to get high and became an over-

achiever to compensate for these feelings.

College was a bore until I discovered pot. I became a hippie, met a girl

who liked to party and we were married. After school, I started using speed

while traveling in my work. Soon the constant traveling and using caused

my first wife to divorce me. This gave me a good excuse to go wild. I

wanted to try every drug I could. A combination of narcotics, stimulants,

and hallucinogens became my favorite.

I started to lose the small business I had built up and felt guilty about

what I had become, a business and social failure. I had to use something

every day to obliterate my feelings of self-hatred, shame and guilt. I de-

cided to get rich and go big time, dealing between Chicago and New York.

In order to finance the trip east, I set up my fifteen year old lover sell-

ing acid to her schoolmates. I began buying wholesale in the midwest and

reselling to students at a major eastern university. Dealing drugs while trav-

eling for business gave meaning to the words fear and paranoia.

I fell in love with a woman and thought I could change for her. I thought

everything would be okay. She helped me control my using and I set out

to impress her. My business revived for a while, but then I began to use heavily

again and things got worse. My second wife left me. My business failed.

I felt hopeless. I needed to use to feel okay. I tried to stay high and

began drinking heavily and daily again. I just did not want to feel any-

thing. I didn’t like me. I just wanted to escape from myself. I overdosed

on synthetic narcotics and woke up in the hospital. While still in the hospital,

I Felt Hopeless 193

I began to feel better and publicly declared my intention to stop using. I

was going to enter the mental outpatient clinic, solve all the problems that I

thought caused me to use hard drugs and never have to use again. Of course

I continued to smoke pot and drink beer. After all, everyone I knew did.

My business gradually fell back together and I had money in my pocket

again. That was my downfall, I could now afford that most glamorous, non-

addictive substance, cocaine.

How wonderful was my new chemical lover. She made me feel so, so

good, again and again. I began to lie, steal and over-charge my clients to

get the money for my new habit. I went to several doctors, feigning symp-

toms appropriate to get prescriptions for large quantities of sleeping pills

and sedative hypnotics. I used some of the prescribed drugs, but mostly

sold them to get coke. Often, I used too much coke and was always in fear

of a heart attack, but I could shoot some downs to knock me out. Eventu-

ally, I overdosed this way.

Again, I wound up in the hospital. Once again I started to feel better

after a few days clean in the hospital. I resolved to stop using again and

agreed to get help from a psychiatrist. I tried. I told him how bad I was,

how I felt about myself, and sometimes how good I felt when clean. I stayed

away from my old friends for a while. The psychiatrist seemed to want to

help me. He suggested I take some mood-balancing pills, so I bought some

and tried them.

The mood levelers didn’t make me feel any better, so I traded them in

for some cocaine. I felt better for a little while, but it soon got worse. I

began to fantasize a lot about my suicide. Something inside wanted me to

live, so I talked to my doctor and he put me in a mental hospital for evalu-

ation. I was detoxed, sent to a rehab center and attended my first N.A. meet-

ing. Now I knew there was a way to stop.

Recovery became a real possibility. It took nine months of regular at-

tendance at meetings before I surrendered and came to believe that I, too,

could recover. The problems that I felt had caused me to use began to melt

away. The fellowship and a newly discovered Higher Power have helped me

stay clean. My attitudes toward other people and my feelings about myself

have begun to change. I understand today that I suffer from a disease, not a

moral deficiency.

Honesty is beginning to chip away at my guilt. Slowly but surely all

my old excuses are losing validity. My life before N.A. earned me a jail term

that I never received. I qualified for extended psychiatric care. My physical

194 Narcotics Anonymous

survival baffled the hospital staff and my family doctor. I believe that I’m

alive and free today so that I can help someone else like me find the amaz-

ing truth, Narcotics Anonymous works!

My recovery today is firmly based in the Twelve Steps and expressed

through service. The steps provide a spiritual resolution to all my prob-

lems. Active service work helps ensure that there will always be a place

for me to go when I need to share. When I am desperate and frightened I

need to share with other addicts who are seeking recovery.

It was suggested to me that I start an N.A. meeting in my area. I was

frightened and didn’t think I had enough clean time. My friends told me

that I could be miserable as long as I wanted to be. With the help of God

and other addicts, that meeting began and continues to thrive.

I want to keep what has been given to me, so I actively share through

loving service to N.A., wherever and however I am asked. The spirit of

this Fellowship is in me today. I have come to know unconditional love.

I Kept Coming Back 195

195

I KEPT COMING BACK

It was a warm summer night in New York. I was seven years of age. It

was late in the evening, but the room was still full of life. My brother and

his friends were having a party at our house. I remember the night well. I

had a crush on my brother’s girlfriend. She was seven years older than I

was. I had stolen one of my mother’s rings and I offered it to her. It seemed

as if I was born with that sort of nature. She turned it down and I was heart-

broken. I had been associated with alcohol when I was younger. My fa-

ther was always letting me sip his beer. It made me feel grown up. This

night was different. My feelings were hurt. I drank on my own. I enjoyed

it. It made me feel good and it helped me to forget.

It wasn’t for another year that I became independently high. This time,

it was beer and marijuana. I enjoyed the feeling that these substances gave

me. I always felt inferior before but now, under the influence, I felt supe-

rior to the people around me. I came from a broken home, and both of my

adopted parents were alcoholic. I had been surrounded by drinking all of

my life.

When I was eight, we moved to California. My mother had gotten to-

gether with a man who I hated. He treated me unfairly. He had caught me

stealing and he never gave me a chance for amends. I felt neglected. I never

had any friends and I was always lonely. I started smoking more marijuana

and drinking more alcohol. I became involved in breaking and entering

and a lot of fighting. This all gave me a feeling of superiority.

My mother and I moved to Michigan when I was thirteen. I really felt

like somebody there. I could smoke more marijuana than any of the home

town boys. I started growing my own pot.

A short time later I moved to Florida with my father. There, I started

dealing barbiturates. I built up a large tolerance to them. They were not

working as well as they used to.

At age sixteen, I was working in a pool hall. I had quit school and left

home. I was living on the streets. Even in the gutter I felt superior. A lot

196 Narcotics Anonymous

of runaways hung around this place known as the scum hole, and it was

raided by the police at least once a day. Hookers, hustlers, and dealers made

their living there. I was one of the leaders of this group. I became inter-

ested in cocaine and hallucinogens. As usual, I went overboard. I started

pimping and dealing. I was looked up to by the runaways. I felt like I was

it. There was no one better. We traveled in packs like wolves and we lived

in pickup trucks. I remember going into stores in groups of twenty or thirty

and doing our shopping without any money. We were the scum of the town.

Many times I could pass for eighteen. I spent a lot of time in bars that

caused periods of loss of memory and blackouts. Later I overdosed on bar-

biturates, but it didn’t stop me. I started using more chemicals than my

wallet could afford. I was offered a job breaking bones for a living. I ac-

cepted it on the spot. This was satisfactory for a while, but I started requir-

ing more substance. My disease was still progressing.

I hit my first and worst bottom when I started selling my body for drugs.

I accommodated men as well as women. I would have accommodated

lower orders if it had been necessary. I felt as if my life was not worth liv-

ing. Many times I had strong suicidal feelings. My moral standards were

shot. I felt defeated. Chemicals, marijuana and alcohol were worth more

to me than my own life. I needed to sustain myself. One night I started

thinking about what I was doing to myself. I couldn’t handle it. Once again,

I resorted to prostituting to obtain cocaine. A friend of mine pumped my

veins full of it. Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I was never so happy in my

life. I was kicked out of the house where I had been living and was told

that “no junkie was wanted in this house.” When I came down I was re-

ally in trouble. I was in a deep depression. I was thinking about my near

past and it made me nauseated. All I wanted was another fix and that re-

ally scared me. I was afraid of becoming a human pin cushion. I had too

many friends who were, so I hopped on the next plane to California. I

thought I could start over. I was leery of drugs for a while and I couldn’t

get any. I didn’t know anyone and I was very lonely. For about five months

I turned to alcohol. I drank about one quart of alcohol per day. When I

finally found a cocaine and acid connection, I started stealing for money to

support my habit. My drug of choice was acid. I could not stop. I got a

job at a doughnut shop and began stealing from twenty to two hundred

dollars per day from the cash register. Every cent was spent on drugs. I

took about one hundred hits of acid a month for 2-1/2 to three months. I

couldn’t live without it.

I Kept Coming Back 197

My girlfriend moved in with me. This was a mistake on her part. She

had a good job and was supporting ninety percent of my habit. After about

three months that situation was at bottom. She moved out and so did my

funding. I went into heavy withdrawals. I started working with a band

and I hit my second bottom. I was stealing from my mother to support my

addiction. I was a human garbage disposal. I would have done anything

that altered my mind. I once stayed awake for two weeks. I didn’t eat any

solid food at all. I was living on cocaine, acid, alcohol, and amphetamines.

I dropped down to 115 pounds. When that period passed, I got my old job

back and started stealing money again. I was living and selling drugs from

my hotel room.

Shortly after this my recovery started. My girlfriend was admitted to a

drug hospital by her parents. I couldn’t believe this. Who were they to

say that either of us were drug addicts? She found out about all of my lies

and confronted me about them. My cover was blown and my life was ru-

ined. I again felt like life was not worth living. I wanted to die, but I be-

lieved that I should make myself suffer for all of the things that I had done.

She threatened to leave me if I did not get clean. I had no choice. I loved

her. I went to meetings and couldn’t hear anything because I was too high.

I tried to stay clean for someone else. After 1-1/2 months, she told me that

she never wanted to see me again. That was really a blow. I stayed clean

that night but the next day I had another relapse. For two months I couldn’t

seem to stay clean for more than a week at a time. I was confused. I didn’t

know which way to turn. I started using acid again. Nothing had changed.

We were both caught in a progressive downward spin. We almost fixed

cocaine one night but couldn’t find a needle. So we snorted it instead. This

went on for another two months. It seemed like we just could not stop,

that our recovery depended on each other.

Soon we came back to the Program of N.A. The first thirty days were

confusing. My feelings were scrambled. I couldn’t tell up from down.

Then, one night at a meeting, it was like someone hit me in the head with a

two by four. I realized what was happening. I realized where I was com-

ing from and where I was trying to go. I started going to more meetings. I

was attending an average of ten meetings per week. I became active by

becoming a secretary of one group. I got a sponsor and a lot of phone num-

bers. I started writing down how I felt about given situations. A Higher

Power was becoming clearer in my mind. I started taking the steps seri-

ously. It seemed as if the program was the only way to go on living.

198 Narcotics Anonymous

My feelings started to surface. Life slowly became better. I finally re-

alized that I was not a bad person trying to become a good person. I was a

sick person trying to get well. And the program was the key to this prob-

lem and many others in my life. I had reached sixty-six days of clean time.

My life was great. Things were starting to make sense. It was like a large

jigsaw puzzle slowly being put together. The picture was beginning to ap-

pear. I started feeling good about being clean and having complete absti-

nence from all mind or mood-altering chemicals.

Then, the impossible, at least that’s what I thought. I had a compul-

sion to use and I had the most frightening and humiliating relapse in my

recovery. I took some acid, snorted cocaine, smoked pot and drank beer all

in one night. It took me three days to come down. I was scared because I

thought that I was going to end up in a mental institution. I couldn’t be-

lieve what I had done. I had proven myself to be powerless over my ad-

diction and felt like a failure. I experienced so much humility. I was afraid

to look into a mirror. I was embarrassed to face the other members of the

program. I fought, with the help of people who cared in N.A. I regained

confidence. I started working a better program and obtained a new spon-

sor. He had me write out my First Step. I worked my First Step for ap-

proximately one month. I embedded that step on my forehead. I took my

time on my steps. My girlfriend had a relapse about two weeks later. I

went to a party and she was there. I sat on my hands and watched the mood

changes in the people I used to party with. I don’t suggest a situation like

that for anyone. But that’s what it took for me. I had to prove to myself

that I could do it. I watched my old friends get obnoxious and loud. I de-

cided that night that I was going to live. I was tired of being a walking

dead man, mentally and spiritually.

The only chance I had to live was by the Program of Narcotics Anony-

mous. I must admit that I still have my off days like anyone else, but the

big problems in life aren’t so big anymore. I am slowly gaining back my

ambitions in life. I started putting an effort into school in order to obtain

my high school diploma. I lived with my sponsor for three months, work-

ing for my room and board. I performed everyday chores, which would

never have been considered during my period of addiction. I did every-

thing that my sponsor suggested. If he said jump, I asked how high, I was

willing to go to any lengths. I did nothing but work my program. It was

no bed of roses. In fact, some parts of my recovery were living hell. It was

worth it. The picture started to come into focus once again. Things improved

I Kept Coming Back 199

with life in general. I had learned to live on life’s terms. I also learned to

live a day at a time. I did it the hard way, but today is what counts. It took

me six months to grasp this remarkable recovery program. It took every-

thing I did to get to where I am now. I enjoy my life now a day at a time. I

can work the Twelve Steps of N.A. on any given situation at any given mo-

ment. I enjoy working with others and giving them the same chance that

was given to me. I owe my life to the Program of N.A. I owe special thanks

to the loving people that helped me and gave me a chance to become a new

person with a new life.

And the ultimate thanks to my Higher Power, God.

200 Narcotics Anonymous

200

IT WON'T GET ANY WORSE

There were a lot of reasons why I first started using. I felt different from

my peers. I went to a private school. The kids in private school didn’t like

me because I hung around with the kids on my street who went to public

school. I was a misfit. The public school kids would pick on me, too. I

couldn’t leave the block, so I had to hang around with them. I grew up

feeling different. I had a lot of fights with my parents because I felt very

restricted. I really didn’t like myself and I wanted to change so that the

other kids would think I was cool. I was afraid of girls and thought they

wouldn’t like me. My first encounter with using was when I was about

twelve or thirteen, with a bunch of girls who were huffing glue. They were

really friendly to me and asked me to join them. I didn’t even have to think

about it. I just did it. Huffing became very compulsive with me. I started

doing it all the time, by myself and anywhere I wanted. I remember feel-

ing guilty, thinking, “God’s watching me,” and feeling wrong. All the guys

on the block could drink on the weekends and I wanted to be a part of it,

so I wanted to drink. I had to be in when it got dark so I had to wait until

my parents went somewhere on a Saturday. I wanted to be able to say that

I got drunk, so I stole a fifth of booze from my father and drank the whole

thing. I got really sick and did a lot of weird things in my neighborhood

and everyone knew that I was drunk. I couldn’t wait until I got to school

the next day to see what all the kids would say. I didn’t care that they

thought I was a fool. It just felt really good to know that they were all talk-

ing about me. It enabled me to say things that I was afraid to, do what-

ever I wanted to, and I could say, “Well, I couldn’t help it, I was drunk.”

Soon after, I started smoking dope and I loved it. I also remember the

paranoia, thinking that God was going to strike me dead. I started smok-

ing compulsively soon after I tried it. Dope made me feel really hip and

like I had a lot of friends. I remember feeling that God was bull and that I

didn’t need him. All I needed was to get high, do nothing. I was just go-

ing into ninth grade and my grades were going downhill. I was fighting

It Won’t Get Any Worse 201

with my parents all the time and I was unhappy at home. All I wanted

was for people to leave me alone and just let me get high. I started bur-

glarizing houses to get booze and money to get high on. Although I made

eighty dollars a week and had seven hundred in the bank, I was draining

that quickly.

I got caught ripping off houses and my parents couldn’t believe it. I

got put on probation and I felt like it was a big joke. While I was on proba-

tion, dope was dry, so I bought three pints a day. I needed to get high and

tried THC. I was told it was from pot. I remember hating it. As soon as I

came down and was able to stand up, I wanted more. This became my

drug of choice. I soon found it was PCP, but it was too late and I didn’t

care. I was soon doing acid and everything else I could get. I remember

stealing medicine from my mother, doing it in school and being sent to the

hospital because I could not wake up. They were downs and I took too

much. I thought I’d just have to take less the next time. I started seeing a

psychologist because my parents didn’t know what to do. I told this shrink

that I just used socially. I had it together in my head. He stuck up for me

and told my parents not to put it down until they had tried it. He gave me

a new license to use. He helped me to get my parents off my back. My

father knew I was dealing dope and was going to put me away, so I par-

tied it up and overdosed. I told my parents that I wouldn’t use like that if

they wouldn’t threaten me like that. My shrink still stuck up for me. I

conned that guy into thinking I was his friend and I really cared for him. It

was me and him against my parents. We convinced them that I was re-

sponsible because I paid all of my drinking fines and disorderly conducts.

I usually owed money on three of them and I was just one step ahead of

the constables. I was always ripping off houses and other addicts. I stole

money from my mother twice a week, usually twenty dollars at a shot.

Things kept getting worse for me. I had a girlfriend who did not show

up for a party with me, so I did her share of drugs as well as mine that

night and I overdosed five minutes after taking it. My brother found me

chasing cars and barking at them and he dragged me home and my par-

ents took me to the hospital. I woke up in a strait jacket that was tied to a

bed that was soaked in piss and sweat. I was fifteen years old then. I re-

member a psychiatrist asking me why I wanted to kill myself and I couldn’t

understand what he was saying. I just wanted to get high. After this, I

saw this shrink for a week and he convinced me that if I took acid (or PCP)

again I would lose my mind. When I was in the hospital part of me died.

202 Narcotics Anonymous

I was pale and slow talking and thinking. I was physically, mentally, and

emotionally beat. I tried at this point to just drink three beers a day and

just smoke one joint. I really tried, but it only lasted three days, and I

dropped and smoked as much as I wanted. I didn’t use chemicals for a

while. The progression was tamed for the time being. When I graduated from

this shrink, he told me I could function in society if I stayed off of hard drugs.

After a couple of weeks, I was with a girl who had some pot sprinkled

with PCP. After I smoked it, I wanted to do more. Two days later I was

out to do anything I could get my hands on. My master plan was being

formed. I had just turned seventeen and I was planning to set up this big

dealing operation. I started getting paranoid, afraid of being busted or

killed. I was afraid to go out in the daytime or to talk to anyone on the

phone. I had quit school and I wasn’t working. I knew it was the drugs

and I figured I would stop using and clean up my act so I could use again.

When I stopped using, the walls started breathing, flashes of lights, sirens,

friends plotting to kill me, shakes, sweating, crying, and I felt like I was los-

ing my mind. God, how I hurt! I paid friends not to kill me. They told me

I was crazy and I offered them more dope. I didn’t know what was real

and what wasn’t. In a last desperate effort to find the answer in drugs, I

bought five dollars worth of pot and smoked it to get to sleep for a day or

two. I was halfway done smoking when I realized that I wasn’t getting tired.

I was getting more spaced out. It made all of those things I was feeling

worse and I took the pot and pipe and threw it as far as I could. I ran home

and begged for help from my father.

I had never heard of a rehab before. I had only heard of the metha-

done program and I wasn’t a junkie. They wanted me to join as an inpa-

tient and I wouldn’t buy it. They asked if I wanted to go into an outpatient

rehab, and I was willing to try it. I just wanted to stop hurting, and an ad-

dict told me that I might not get any better, meaning that walls breathing,

flashes of light, shakes and sweating might never stop. If I did not use to-

day, they wouldn’t get any worse. I went for forty days and one morning I

got up and it was all gone: the pain, the hallucinations, the paranoia. I had

prayed so hard for God to remove these and He did. That was all I really

needed God for, when I felt better I stopped praying. I attended a few meet-

ings and really felt I didn’t need them. The steps mentioned God and I had

nothing to do with that. I got better and I tried to be a very honest person.

I had a hard time staying clean. It was a constant battle. My old friends

hung in front of my neighbor’s house all the time. I turned down drugs a

It Won’t Get Any Worse 203

lot. My brother and I shared a room together, and he was still using. He

stashed dope in the room and I knew where it was. I used a lot of people

for support and I started recovering. I was always being told by my brother

that my friends said “Hi,” and the fact that I couldn’t really be rid of them

made it really hard.

I stayed in touch with people constantly and things at home got better,

trust gradually developed. After going through the rehab, I had a lot of

clean friends. I had a girlfriend who I moved in with. So much had been

going really good. I had a diploma, a brand new car, a driver’s license and

a good relationship with my parents. My girlfriend was seeing a therapist

who told her we should get involved in something together, like starting

an N.A. meeting in our area. The closest N.A. meeting was over an hour

away, and there were only two a month at that. After we started the meet-

ing, she got high and moved out. My best friend had been getting high for

a while and they started going out together, and that really ripped me up

inside. I had a dog who I cried to every night and he couldn’t even stand

it and ran away. My girlfriend moved out of the apartment and I felt like

nothing. The two friends I had left were still friends of hers and spent a lot

of time with her. I was lonely, isolated, depressed, and I needed help.

Since I had started this N.A. meeting, I continued to go and the meet-

ing grew. Here I was with two years, crying in the meeting, feeling sorry

for myself and depressed and having newcomers with thirty days clean tell-

ing me it would be better, be grateful for what you have, and keep coming

back. People who were new in the Fellowship would come over to my

house and Twelfth Step me. They kept me coming back. They told me that

they loved me. I was depressed for two months like that and during that

time two more meetings started. I was making three meetings a week and

I started working the steps. I was getting involved in our area service and

started being grateful for everything I had. I was so grateful to be alive

and I believed that that was because of the N.A. Fellowship. It was time

for me to get up off my butt and start doing something for others. I started

doing public information work in my area and started accepting God’s will

for me. I attended a lot of meetings, and spoke very often, trying to carry

the message of recovery through N.A. I tried giving away what I had to

other people, especially the newcomers. I prayed very often and that hol-

low feeling of being different didn’t apply any more. I attended conven-

tions and conferences. At one of these, I had a spiritual awakening! I saw

a tiny glimpse of God’s will for me, and I prayed for the courage to carry

204 Narcotics Anonymous

that out. Through service, I can make it possible for many addicts who seek

recovery to find it in N.A. Today in meetings I try to carry a message of

hope, and I let everyone know that if they want to recover from addiction,

they can through Narcotics Anonymous.

At one point, I realized I needed a little more than meetings. I heard

people being told to get a sponsor and work the steps, but this was to new

people. I tried to work the steps, but I really didn’t know how. I didn’t

have a sponsor and wasn’t sure if I needed one. Finally, I came to a point

where I was ready for total surrender. That meant that the things that were

good for newcomers—sponsor, meetings, steps—would be good for me. I

finally asked someone and he said he would sponsor me and I started and

couldn’t come out with the words but he said, “Okay.”

We moved away from each other two months later and I had to ask

someone else, and I did. It’s been working out real good. He guides me

through the steps and helps me to think for myself. That aimless wander-

ing I had done all my life has finally subsided. I learned to enjoy living a

day at a time. I try to enjoy my struggle through the steps. I used to think

that when I got to the end of the road I would be happy, but today I learn

to experience the road I’m walking on, not becoming self-obsessed with

where I want to be. I’m happy where I am today and feel I’m making

progress in life. Today, I work the steps with the guidance of my sponsor

and I attend three or four meetings every week. I attend meetings to share

my experience, strength, and hope. Other members learn from me in this

way and I learn from them when they share. It is important for me to al-

ways remain teachable. I pray every day and thank God for each day, the

Twelve Steps, and this Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

My Gratitude Speaks 205

205

MY GRATITUDE SPEAKS

I was born in Atlanta, Georgia in 1960. The son of a doctor and a mother

from an affluent family. All my life I have had food, clothes and shelter. I

had a lot physically and I was an athlete.

As I grew up, however, I noticed the other kids developing hobbies. I

kept to myself and my little fantasy world. Soon I became uncomfortable

around other kids. I could fight well and was respected for it. In 1969, I

moved to a nicer neighborhood. I felt the other kids were snobs. I stopped

fighting so much and became a class clown. In 1972, I went to a school

where the bussing project was being implemented. I met tough kids and

we fought every day. I loved it.

I could not relate to my six brothers and sisters. They had hobbies or

studies on their minds. I had mischief on my mind. I went to a private school

in the eighth grade where I was expelled for stealing pocketbooks and under-

mining the morale of the entire eighth grade. I was a tough guy conman.

I went to high school determined to grow my hair to my waist and be

a tough guy. Doing drugs came naturally. At first I smoked pot. Then af-

ter only three months, I was dealing it and hooked. My first year in high

school I went from doing nothing to getting loaded every day. I could not go

without drugs. I was hooked from the start. I made straight F’s.

Appalled by my conduct, my parents sent me to a military high school.

I stayed loaded on MDA for the four weeks I was there, after which I was

expelled for possession of drugs. So I went back to the other high school.

At first everyone was glad to see me, but soon they would only shake their

heads and lecture me on how drugs were taking the color out of my face

and making me a vegetable. I resented their judgmental attitudes and re-

belled. These were freaks telling me this.

After doing sixteen hits of purple haze (LSD) on my sixteenth birthday,

I was never the same. Drugs were not fun again. At best I had been aware

of what I could be and the pain of what I was kept me doing drugs, but

drugs made it worse.

206 Narcotics Anonymous

After flunking the tenth grade, I was sent to a six thousand dollar a year

tutoring school for hard cases like me. I was going to clean up my act, take

karate and live spiritual or die. I lasted two weeks that time and went back

to using. The suffering was overwhelming, as was the alienation. After

doing over-the-counter diet pills each day for five months I went into a men-

tal institution. I stayed there eleven months and nineteen days. It was there

that I first attended meetings. I was not ready, however, and I continued to

use the speed I snuck in. The doctor had me on one thousand milligrams

of Thorazine a day. I was a zombie.

The pain I felt that year was beyond words. I felt like an animal in the

zoo. I would pace the floors. I would think of dope day and night. I was

treated like a subhuman life form. I hated being locked up. I hated being treated

like a madman. I ran away three times. Once a policeman caught me run-

ning. He pulled out his gun and said if I did not stop, I’d make him shoot me.

In my mind I hoped if he shot, he’d kill me. I thought of suicide often.

On the day I got out of the hospital, I got loaded and wrecked a car.

The next day I stole a pound and a half of marijuana. I maintained on mari-

juana, alcohol and pills for the next four months. My condition got worse.

I could not work or do anything productive, so I stole and was lonely. I

wanted to be with others, I was getting afraid to be alone, but I really did

not want to die. I hated the hospital so much but I felt “at least you’re out.”

I would rather die than go back.

After a dope deal fell through and I was ripped off for $105.00, I had

no more resources. I went with a group of young people on a religious re-

treat. It smacked of Christianity and I felt I was destined to burn in hell,

but the women looked good and I needed some people to take care of me.

During that weekend, I met a member of a Twelve Step Program and I

turned my will and my life over to the care of God. With Him, I got grate-

ful for the material things I had. I determined to go take a last chance at

getting clean.

I found a card with an N.A. member’s number on it from when I was

locked up and called him. I ended up at my first N.A. meeting. I really

felt sorry for the folks there. I had been straight for five days except for

three hundred milligrams of Thorazine, ten milligrams of Haldol, and one

hundred milligrams of Benedril I was taking each day. As you see, I was

not serious.

I went to meetings for a month loaded like that, then I used street drugs

again. At first I maintained on marijuana. Then it ran out and I overdosed,

My Gratitude Speaks 207

eating forty capsules of speed. That was my last usage. I realized that it is

a serious disease and it could kill me. I had overdosed plenty and ended

up in emergency rooms, but never like that speed. My heart would go faster

and faster and then stop then start again and repeat the process. I knew

how to handle bad trips on drugs. I was a veteran of bad trips, but that

load of amphetamine should have killed me. I did not even know what I

was taking.

I came back to N.A., this time gravely serious. I sat in the first N.A.

meeting where I felt the total seriousness of the N.A. Program. I looked

around the room, the speaker was telling how he used to plan to kill him-

self. I could really relate and I saw other people relating as well. I felt good

about that, but it was like leaving home. I had had to go through every-

thing to get there, but now I had a new home and I was going to stay. A

voice in my head, however, had different plans. It suggested that I get high

after the meeting to celebrate my new home. I knew it was insane, yet the

thought was so overwhelming I knew I could not fight it. Desperately, I

glanced around the room. These people could stay clean! I could not. They

were not like me. I was going to get loaded. “No!” I thought. “No! God,

help me. God, restore me to sanity,” I cried in my mind. When I said that

I tingled and the compulsion left. I was overwhelmed. I tried it again. It

worked! It worked! Now, I really could stay clean! Even me.

I did everything you told me to do. I was as willing as only the dying

can be. I made ninety meetings in ninety days. I got a sponsor and I called

him twice a day and we talked for hours. At the N.A. meetings I felt an

awareness between us addicts. I felt N.A. was really solid and it was the

rock on which I would surrender my life. I did something very important.

I stuck with the people who were serious about staying clean. We were

into service work, emptying ash trays, setting up and cleaning up meeting

halls. We would get there early and leave late, then I would call my spon-

sor at midnight and we would talk until two in the morning. I would take

hot baths at night and pray and write down my concept of God until four

a.m. Then I would get to sleep. My parents supported me and I tried to

show my gratitude and love for them. They paid fifty thousand dollars a

year for hospitals. They knew N.A. worked. It is the only thing that ever

worked, but I had to be beaten to the very end. I did as much as I could

do. If I had used any more, I know I would be dead.

I feel my disease is progressive. Today if I used it would be even worse

than when I stopped. It has subtle ways of trying to get me to use, like

208 Narcotics Anonymous

luster and lust, anger and pride, but I always remember what my last one

did for me, and say, “No thanks, not today.”

Going to any lengths to stay clean is a big part of the N.A. Program in

my opinion. I would work the steps or tunnel to China to stay off drugs. I

feel I have found in N.A. the way to the daylight and freedom. If I ever

use again, I will die and lose everything. So, I just don’t use today.

I do not remember the good times using, that is not a good First Step. I

remember the mental hospital, the suicidal thoughts, and the times when I

was hurting very badly. I do not want that. So, I came to believe in a lov-

ing God who can restore me to sanity. I pray for God to reveal Himself to

me in ways that I can understand. I pray, “God, genuine faith.” Then I

turn my will and life over to the care of God. I know that my way did not

work so I have to surrender to God’s will for me which I do not understand,

but which turns out better than anything I had planned. I prayed to the

same God to write my inventory through me. In this way, I sat at a desk

for two or three hours and did write down some defects of character and

some assets. I began to see my inner nature. I did not share my inventory

with another human being for a week or so. During that week I was frus-

trated and hurt. I would go back and work on my Fourth Step and get no-

where. Then I learned a very important thing, to go back and read the

inventory. When I did that, I saw it was time for a Fifth Step.

Next was getting ready to have the defects removed. Of course, I had

a good sponsor take me through these steps and I learned to be gentle to

myself and be my own friend. When I became my own friend, God added

a woman to my life. That has been a learning and growing experience. The

relationship forced me to work the steps and call my sponsor. I learned I

was still insecure and had to make amends and demonstrate my good will.

By working the Eleventh Step, I feel protected from turbulent emotions. I

can stay more calm and rational in busy days or hard times, like when my

girlfriend is playing games.

In relationships, I have learned that I have to be my own best friend

and work on myself. Then I have something that the woman wants. I think

women give beautiful gifts and are great teachers.

Nothing has been so rewarding as working with other addicts. No mat-

ter what is happening in my life, I know I can get out of my self-centered trip

by simply becoming interested in the welfare and recovery of a newcomer or

an oldtimer in pain. My story, by the grace of God, has a happy ending, thanks

to N.A. I would like to thank them in my words and in my deeds.

No Excuse for Loneliness 209

209

NO EXCUSE FOR LONELINESS

Like everyone else, I started my life as a baby, and later became a child.

And, like everyone else, I grew up one day and discovered that I had an

adult body. But, unlike most people, I was still a child when I made this

discovery. I am an addict. Drugs, in whatever form, were my primary ad-

diction. Self-destructive behavior, obsessive and compulsive thinking were

symptoms that lived with me, before I ever used chemicals, and stayed with

me after I let go of drugs.

When I was a little girl, I started to look for a substitute for Papa. I

had a father, but he wasn’t the father I wanted. He had a domineering,

compulsive personality. He was intellectual, but very bigoted and nega-

tive, and above all, violent and unpredictable. I believe that he had a drink-

ing problem. His job required that he spend a good deal of time away from

home, so there were months out of every year that I didn’t see him at all.

He was my Higher Power, when I was small. He was big, strong and fright-

ful. When he did take the time out to play with my older brother and me,

he was so much fun! But, even when we were playing together, he could

not be trusted. The slightest thing could send him into a rage. Yes, I was a

battered child. It was not uncommon for me to go to school with bruises

on my face, along with instructions as to what lie my parents wanted me

to tell the teacher on how I got those bruises.

I had an older brother. He and I were very competitive. Although he was

two years older than I, we were always about the same size growing up. He

was popular in school, both with the teachers and with the other kids. All his

life, people told him what a genius he was. I worshiped him also.

When I was eleven, my little brother was born. I didn’t like that at all,

because my status as the baby was gone. He represented my first respon-

sibility around the house. Now there was much more work to be done

around the house and I was expected to help with it. Mama didn’t have

the time to spend with me that I had been used to. He was a lovely baby,

but deep down inside I resented him for being born.

210 Narcotics Anonymous

Mama worked all my life. The black maids that raised us kept the ra-

dio on the rock and roll stations all the time and they kept the atmosphere

pretty loose around the house during the day. I liked the way they seemed

to live and think much better than the lifestyle my parents were trying to

teach me.

What I seemed to want most in life was attention. I usually got it. I

was bright, pretty and wild, with a tough little spirit. I decided early on

that I would grow up to be either a singer, a writer or an artist. By the time

I was fourteen, I had chosen singing as a career.

In the late sixties, there was very little of the subculture trickling into

our community, compared to some of the larger cities. But, eventually,

through the mass media, a little hippie movement was starting to blossom

in our city. I had seen people like that in movies and I really thought they

were neat. The men all looked like rock stars and I wanted what they had.

When my older brother discovered pot I was close on his heels. He found

out where all the flower children hung out and joined them. To his embar-

rassment, so did I. He was witty and handsome, so older kids in the street

scene liked him right from the start. I didn’t feel like I had anything to of-

fer these wonderful people, so I donated my body to the cause. I donated

it to any guy that looked the way I wanted him to look, especially if there

were drugs available.

I had my first taste of illicit drugs at fourteen, when I was sent out of

town for an illegal abortion, and the doctor gave me morphine. I liked most

of the effects. I had been experimenting with alcohol since early childhood

and was quickly becoming a partier. Any time anyone suggested a new

kick, like cough syrup or glue, I tried it.

Once I found the right sources, I began taking all kinds of goodies. I

really liked smoke, in all its forms, especially hashish. I had my first hit of

acid when I was fifteen, and I dropped speed in pill form every chance I

got. Downers never really agreed with me, but I took them. Even back

then I can remember a real sense of desperation in trying to find drugs when

none were around. The drugs I took gave me the first real freedom I had

ever known. I depended on them to expand my mind, to relax me, and to

mix with my hip buddies.

When I was sixteen, our family moved to South America. I was four

months pregnant (again), and I’d been eating acid every other day or so

for the first three months of the baby’s gestation. The premature baby I gave

birth to died in less than five hours. Its little insides were deformed and it

No Excuse for Loneliness 211

was blue. For a couple of months after that, my parents kept me under lock

and key, but they couldn’t hold me for long. The pot in Columbia was

strong and it drew me like a magnet.

After a year we returned to the States and I was enrolled in school. It

had been a long time since I had been in school, so I didn’t adjust to the

discipline well at first. During my first couple of months back I continued

to use and to fool around with a lot of guys, but that changed when I came

down with hepatitis. School got better for me without the drugs. I made

good grades and I even won medals and superlatives. Unfortunately, I had

been working on a correspondence course for my junior year and I never

did finish it. I skipped graduation day, in order to avoid the embarrass-

ment of being the only senior to walk away with no diploma. I lied about

that fact for years.

When my eighteenth birthday arrived, I tried to get out of the house as

soon as possible. I had run away from home once before and the legal as-

pects of it had brought me back. Now I was free to go. Of course it never

occurred to me that I had no idea where I was going. First I hitchhiked out

of the state to visit a lover, only to return brokenhearted when his mother

threw me out of their house. Then I moved in with my brother’s rock band,

until they kicked me out too, for playing head games with three of the mu-

sicians at once. From then on I used people in order to have a place to sleep.

Believe me, they used me too.

I had never worked in my life, so when it dawned on me that I would

be supporting myself, it came as a shock. I had several jobs. The first job I

had was slinging beer in our town’s first hippie bar. After that, I went from

one thing to another, until I landed a really easy gig minding shop in a health

food store. For a while I stayed away from most drugs because I was on a

health kick. Unfortunately, I still had my compulsive personality and I blew

up like a balloon. I might have looked healthy and serene, but deep down

inside I hated myself. It became obvious to me that something was terribly

wrong with me. Here I was, clean from drugs, and all I could do with myself

was eat like a pig and hole up in my room.

Music was the only thing I had going for me. There was a piano player

that moved in with me, and we went everywhere together, even to the bath-

room. Both of us had very high ideals about spirituality that we tried out

on one another, and found to be impossible. Of course that was the kind

of thing that called for organic drugs, like peyote, mushrooms, pot and such,

so I started using again.

212 Narcotics Anonymous

Right before my nineteenth birthday, I left town, heading west. I didn’t

have a dime. I didn’t bother to tell my mother and father where I was go-

ing. I didn’t even give an hour’s notice at work. I just left. Once I got out

there I got weird. The street scene there reminded me of the one in South

America and I fell into it immediately. The first people that took me in were

the guru type. They were pretty interesting, but I got restless. The next

group I fell in with was more down to earth. There was a street gang in

the town that ruled the block. One of the members took a liking to me, so I

moved in with him. We loved each other as much as either of us was ca-

pable of loving anyone, but we sure had funny ways of showing it. We

screwed around on each other all the time, and when he wasn’t throwing

me out or taking me back, I was running out the door with my thumb out-

stretched. We were lovers for about six months before his death. One night

when he was out on the strip peddling MDA, the police searched him. Be-

fore they could find anything, he ate the entire stash which was enough to

intoxicate ten people. His mother came to the funeral and she gave me a

ring that had been taken off his dead finger. I still wear it.

This man’s death was the turning point for me. It was the excuse I

wanted to just let go of all sense of dignity and just stay loaded and filthy.

Before his death I had been living however and wherever I could. I hadn’t

really been staying stoned all the time, I’d tried to be useful and kind to

people, and I was even creative at times. But once my lover was gone, I

was free to let everything slide. I went on a drunk for about six months,

traveling around the country. I supported myself by panhandling and I

stayed drunk and stoned on anything I could find, all the time. There was

usually a man in my life whose main function was to protect me from the

evils of the road. Sometimes, though, the men I chose were the evils. Dur-

ing that time I changed my outlook and my behavior drastically. In the early

years, I was so peaceful that I didn’t even eat meat. Now I was violent and

hostile. There were several instances of rape, which went unreported to the

authorities. A woman hitchhiking is considered easy prey to sexual abuse

and I knew that I’d get no sympathy from them. I sobered up a time or

two when I found myself in jail and I made several jails all over the coun-

try. Rape and arrest were just part of the package of living the way I was

living, so I accepted them without question.

After almost a year of living on the road, in and out of jail, in and out

of scrapes, I returned to my hometown, broke, sick, and beaten. Of course,

my old friends from high school were still around, so I figured that I’d be

No Excuse for Loneliness 213

taken care of. They didn’t respond to me the way I’d anticipated. Frankly,

they didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me, so I switched

crowds. Humiliated, I ended up moving in with my family, because they

were the only people that would claim me. That’s when I reached my bottom.

It took a couple of months for me to really let go of the drugs and the booze,

but I did come to a realization of how unmanageable my life was. I had to at

least try to clean up my act a little bit. But a little bit just wasn’t enough.

During the day I was too hungover to work, so I couldn’t function out

in the world. I hated the way I felt about myself. I hated being frightened

and sick all the time, and I hated having to drink and use drugs to just get

through the night. A few months earlier, I had gone into delirium tremens,

and I was deathly afraid of going into them again. I started really thinking

about the danger my family was in with me living right there in the house.

I couldn’t be trusted once I took the first drink or drug, because I had a ten-

dency to get violent and obscene when I blacked out. Blackouts were be-

coming an everyday occurrence for me. There was no way my body or mind

could function without taking in at least enough booze and barbiturates to

knock me out every night.

With my back against the wall, I paid a visit to the local university clinic

and begged an intern to prescribe a bottle of tranquilizers for me. He did,

and I actually followed his instructions to take just a small number of them

each day, and I withdrew from them gradually. That was in the summer. I

continued to take pills and smoke marijuana for another four months after

that, but my attitude and pattern had changed. On sheer intuition, I started

to realize that I’d better let go of all mood-altering chemicals. I knew that I

would jump from one drug to another if I didn’t. That idea must have been

planted in me by a Higher Power, because I certainly hadn’t been given any

information that would cause me to believe it.

I stayed clean for almost a year with no outside help. This is not some-

thing I recommend to other addicts. During that year I really developed

some serious emotional illness. It has taken me years of living the N.A.

way to get over that first year with my own program. For one thing, I be-

came an anorexic, suffering from a disease just as devastating as all of my

other addictions put together. When I wasn’t starving myself, I was com-

pulsively gorging myself and vomiting. I also went into a three-month de-

pression when I didn’t even have enough faith to walk outside, because I

didn’t trust the sidewalk to be there. I lived in constant paranoia and I lost

control over my emotions, I cried at the drop of a hat.

214 Narcotics Anonymous

One day I woke up so upset that I just had to have help. I wanted to

get my hands on some drugs, any drugs! The only help I could find in the

phone book was a program that helps people with drinking problems. I

knew I had a drinking problem when I drank, so I figured they’d let me

slide in under the wire. I also knew that if I didn’t call someone to keep

me from using, I would call someone that would get me high. The day I

walked into that clubhouse, shaking and crying, nobody had any reason to

believe that I hadn’t had any booze or any drugs for almost a year. I was a

wreck. After all those months of clean time, I was just as jumpy, just as

lost, as a person who’d been on a drunk the night before.

The people in that fellowship took me in like a sick child, nursing me

and feeding me. I was twenty-one years old, and I’d lived a completely

different lifestyle than anyone else I met there, but at least these new friends

were staying away from drugs and booze. Most of them believed, like I

did, that all drugs were off limits for them, but that was a burning issue

and nobody really had any answers. I felt love, and I felt better, but I still

wasn’t home.

A lot happened to me in the next four years. I stayed clean from drugs

and I continued to attend meetings, wherever I was and whatever else I did.

I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, and I made several attempts to work

them. I read and memorized the literature I was given and I did several

inventories. I started to develop a relationship with a Higher Power. I never

missed a day of asking God to help me stay clean each morning, and thank-

ing Him each night. I talked about my feelings sometimes, and when I did,

I felt better. But I usually felt like a little kid around the others in the meet-

ings. There was still something terribly wrong with me. I had not really

gotten honest about my strange food-related addiction, and I continued to

indulge it, and to wallow in self-obsession and self-pity for four years. It

was never really clear to me what to do with my feelings, my obsessions

and my dishonesty. I didn’t even make any connection between the feel-

ings and the chemicals, so it never made sense to me that all of it went to-

gether, as symptoms of an illness.

After my fourth anniversary, some of the people I had used with as a

kid started coming around, trying to clean up from drugs. Then a

songwriter blew into town from another city. He seemed to be a nice guy,

but he kept asking me when we were going to start Narcotics Anonymous.

I had heard of N.A. a few years before, but I really didn’t know anything

about it. After some prodding on his part, a couple of us got started on the

No Excuse for Loneliness 215

project of forming a chapter of Narcotics Anonymous in our town. We had

to wait awhile for the literature to come from the West Coast, and I don’t

know how many conferences I had with the preacher that agreed to let us

meet in his church, but in the spring of that year, we held our first N.A.

meeting. There were three people there and we felt very close. Now there

are six N.A. meetings in my city.

I have personally gone through a lot of changes since then. In my ser-

vice work for this fellowship I have found a feeling of accomplishment and

belonging that is beyond belief. I have had to do a lot of growing up though,

because now I am surrounded by my peers, and they can see through me

more quickly than anyone else ever could. I no longer feel like a child

among giants. My relationships within the N.A. Fellowship are very deep

and loving. I have close friends, and brothers and sisters all over the coun-

try, and I hope to have more all over the world.

A couple of months before my introduction to Narcotics Anonymous, I

let go of my self-destructive behavior. I started to recognize it as part of

the same basic problem that I’d had with the drugs. Once I saw the First

Step of N.A. all of my questions were answered. I understood what to do

with my feelings and what to call my insanity. I admitted that I was pow-

erless over my addiction; that my life was unmanageable. The addiction

was that feeling of isolation, that unnatural desire to hurt myself, that feel-

ing of insatiability, that self-obsession. Now, I could talk about these things.

Now, I could turn them over to the care of my Higher Power. I really started

to get in touch with my Higher Power.

My concept of a God is different from most of the concepts I’ve heard

outside N.A., but similar to some of the concepts I’ve heard in meetings. I

don’t really know what God is, but I do attempt to communicate with Him

several times each day. I only call Him “God” or “Him” so that things will

stay simple, but I think of Him more as a force or an underlying intelligence

than anything else. There is no way I could begin to tell you all the miracles

I’ve been shown. I do know that this Power kept me alive for years, even

when I was out to destroy myself. Now the most obvious way I can see

and feel God is through nature and through the communication I have with

my brothers and sisters in N.A.

I have many interests, hobbies and talents now. I sing rock music, I draw

portraits, I run, walk, and swim. I plan to attend an art college next fall

and develop a career in commercial art. I date men and I no longer feel as

if I owe them something for taking me out. For almost three years, I held

216 Narcotics Anonymous

the same job, and that’s a record for me. My life is well-rounded and I am

becoming a more comfortable version of myself, not the neurotic, boring

person that I thought I’d be without drugs.

None of my outside interests and relationships are as important to me

as my relationship to Narcotics Anonymous. I have learned plenty since I

found this program and I’ve gained many things that I can’t even put into

words. The most obvious things I’ve learned are that I don’t know much,

and that I can’t make it alone. I need my brothers and sisters in N.A., be-

cause I know that I am powerless over my addiction; not over my substance,

but over an isolating, sickening, frightening illness that is inside me. With

the Twelve Steps I have a way to live cleanly, honestly, and comfortably.

With the love that I am shown in Narcotics Anonymous I have no excuse

for loneliness. I have all I need.

Relapse and Return 217

217

RELAPSE AND RETURN

My marriage was on the rocks. My wife had sworn out a warrant on assault

charges and had confronted me about my addiction. Although I admitted it

to her, I was not ready to accept it myself. She told my other family members

that I was addicted and asked me to accept help. I was not ready for help, but

during the hearing she told the judge that she would drop the charges if I would

agree to go into a treatment program. Needless to say, I was more willing to

go to treatment than to jail, so I did, for all of the wrong reasons.

While I was in treatment, I decided to listen to what they had to say. I

was soon admitting my addiction, but I had difficulty embracing the con-

cepts of a Higher Power. Because of a series of spiritual experiences, I fi-

nally began to accept the idea of God. This enabled me to become very

involved in my treatment effort and I tried to put aside all outside prob-

lems, investing myself totally in recovery.

Treatment went by quickly and I really believed I was equipped to go

back into society and pick up where I had left off. It only took three days

for my security and confidence to be shaken. Three days after my discharge

my wife entered treatment. In the beginning I was happy that she was ad-

mitting her own addiction. Soon she was requesting that we have no con-

tact and I resented that. I became jealous when she told me that she had

been advised to get rid of her problem and that I was it. The feelings of

rejection were a deep kind of pain and I was resentful over not having been

given a second chance to put my family back together. The pain was un-

bearable and the only way I remembered to relieve it was to return to an

immediate reliever, drugs.

In much less time than I thought possible, the reality of the progres-

sion of the disease as I had been taught in treatment, came true. In a pe-

riod of five months I lost my family, all my material possessions except the

clothes on my back, my job, all of my friends, and most certainly any con-

trol over my drug use. I had married again, was heavily in debt and re-

sorted to something I had never done before, stealing. The bottom I hit

218 Narcotics Anonymous

before treatment was really nothing compared to this. I felt alone and des-

perate. I realized that I was no longer comfortable with the drug life.

I isolated myself in my apartment and withdrew myself to get rid of

the drugs in the physical self. The mental craving was still there after with-

drawal. I finally decided I couldn’t make it by myself. I began to pray again

and make conscious contact with the Higher Power. For the first time, I

got honest about my powerlessness and reached out for help. I called old

acquaintances in the Fellowship and asked for help in getting transporta-

tion to meetings.

In the beginning of my return to the Fellowship only the body was

present, but at least I had the willingness to get the body there. I felt so

hopeless and helpless that I considered going into treatment again. After a

lengthy conversation with a member of the Fellowship, who told me I knew

what to do, my mind finally caught up with my body and I began to work

the steps.

I went to every meeting available, each week, and soon I began to feel

differently. I was aware of a sense of peace. Some of the fear left and for

the most part I was relieved of the craving. Although my material world

was nonexistent, I began to distinguish my needs from my wants and got

comfortable with what I didn’t have. The Higher Power seemed to be tak-

ing care of business for me, and many of the problems disappeared or re-

solved themselves.

I became involved in the Fellowship, spending all my time with recov-

ering addicts. I knew I was getting clean and that I wanted to be clean. I

became aware of how people cared about me and that if I listened to them,

God would speak to me through them. Without any effort on my part, my

world began to fall into place. I was soon employed again, reconciled with

my parents and sister, and was able to cope with the outside world just as

it was.

My feelings of gratitude spilled over. I finally felt I had something to

share with other recovering addicts and I couldn’t wait to give it away. I

became heavily involved in Twelfth Step work and returned to the treat-

ment center where it all began to offer myself as a volunteer for anything

they needed me for. I drove van loads of patients to meetings, shared with

the patients about my experience, strength, and hope, and became willing

to be God’s instrument to speak to others in any way He chose.

My life has taken on new meaning and I am able today, with the help

of the Higher Power, to feel feelings I never allowed myself to feel before.

Relapse and Return 219

I am more confident, but I know it is God-confidence. I am more reliant, but I

know it is God-reliance. I am more independent, but I know it is God-depen-

dency. Today I am free to be exactly who I am because I know whose I am.

By recognizing my dependency on God as I understand Him, continu-

ing to work the steps of the program, and my sincere desire to give away

what I have, I can truthfully say that I am a happy drug addict!

220 Narcotics Anonymous

220

SICK AND TIRED AT EIGHTEEN

I started drinking and using drugs when I was thirteen years old. From

that point on, my whole life revolved around drugs and the people I used

with. I went to any lengths to use. I slept with men for drugs, stole from

my family and friends, and lied to and conned everyone and anyone that I

could. Within a year I was a prostitute.

When I was sixteen years old I got married. We went to New York,

San Francisco, and Maine, but no geographics worked. Things only got

progressively worse. My husband and I split up after ten months, he didn’t

want to use.

The next year of my life revolved around a series of bad relationships

and a lot of drugs. I became a junkie. I used everything I could beg, bor-

row or steal in one day. Sometimes it was a lot, sometimes it was nothing.

I was deep into using and soon found myself deep into a new relationship.

This is when my using was at its worst. We tried to clean up time after

time, but with no success. We got arrested a lot. He was doing burglaries

and robberies, and when he was out, I was turning tricks and getting

loaded. He was shot and killed. All my friends were either dead or in jail.

I was completely alone. I was still seventeen, and was released to my fa-

ther every time I was arrested. My last arrest was one week before my eigh-

teenth birthday. My family didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

I had nothing and no one.

I hated myself for what I had become. I attempted suicide and even

that didn’t work. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to

die. I wanted to live. I couldn’t seem to do either.

I was in an outpatient program and my probation officer sent me to

N.A. with a court card. I started with one meeting a week, and then went

to five, after four dirty tests.

My probation officer wanted me to make it. She was in another anony-

mous program and she had the faith that I didn’t have. I remember how

hard it was to stay clean. I had the “I wanna-want-to’s.”

Sick and Tired at Eighteen 221

I continued to associate with people who were using. I was still deal-

ing pharmaceuticals, because I had the idea that heroin was my problem. I

didn’t use pills, but the dealing put me in a position to be around heroin

and I still didn’t know why I couldn’t stay clean.

Eventually I succeeded in staying clean for about eight days. I had been

in a bar, dealing again, and found myself loaded again. I sat there with my

head on my chest, knowing that this just wasn’t any good anymore. Noth-

ing had changed out there.

Something had happened. I had finally hit that bottom I had heard so

much about. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The next morning I surrendered,

totally, with no reservations.

Shortly after that, I ran into an old connection at a meeting. She had

about nine months of clean time. She gave me a lot of hope, she became

my friend, and she gave me love. I got a sponsor and followed directions.

We went to two, three sometimes four meetings every day for my first six

months. I started working and continued to go to at least one meeting a

day. I was the secretary of two N.A. meetings, and the group service rep-

resentative (GSR) of another. I took people to meetings and got involved

with the people in recovery houses. I made the program my life.

It hasn’t been all easy for me since I’ve been here. There have been some

really hard times. I wasn’t one of those people who walked in the doors of

N.A., and the obsession was immediately removed. I can remember sitting

in my bathtub once, it seemed like forever, because it was all I could do to

keep myself from getting loaded. I prayed for the obsession to be removed.

I kept telling myself, “Just for today, I won’t get loaded, this too shall pass,

just for today, just for today . . .” It passed.

After a year clean, I lost my job, my roommate, my car, and my apart-

ment, all in one week. I had the faith that God wasn’t going to bring me that

far just to drop me. God won’t give me more than I can handle. I believed

that anything taken away would be replaced by something better. It was.

The Fellowship has never failed to give me the support I’ve needed, even

if it meant a phone call at three a.m. They’ve always been there for me. You

keep what you have by giving it away, so I’ve been there for others too.

I work the steps and use the principles of this program in all my af-

fairs. They work. I know that the steps will work on anything. All of my

experiences just reinforce that. Turning my will and my life over to the care

of God gives me such peace inside. Watching how the steps work in my

life, and watching someone I knew when they first came in, grow into a

222 Narcotics Anonymous

beautiful individual is such a good feeling. Passing down what was given

to me and watching them pass it along is great. The love and caring in this

program is something that you will never find anywhere else, one addict

helping another addict.

I have learned to live life on life’s terms. Through the meetings, the

fellowship, and the steps, I have learned how to accept myself and even

love myself. I continually grow through the program. I have found a Power

greater than myself who is a loving God, not the punishing God that I grew

up with. I have faith today. Complete faith that my God is taking care of

me. All of my life I sought answers through my adventures, I finally found

peace from within.

I no longer have to feel that total pitiful and incomprehensible demor-

alization. I never have to hate myself, or be alone or feel unwanted. To-

day I enjoy my life. I have program functions, picnics, parties, dances, camp

outs and conventions. I have outside interests I never dreamed I’d be do-

ing, skiing, racquetball and horseback riding. I have a good job doing what

I want to do. I go to school and do well. I drive the car I always dreamed

of owning. Things are good in my life today. My worst day clean is al-

ways better than my best day using. I’m twenty-three years old and I’ll

have five years clean time this December.

I found that it really isn’t what

we used, how much we used, or how long we used that gets us here. It’s

the feelings, the hopelessness and helplessness we felt. The Third Tradi-

tion states, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop us-

ing.” People loved me into this program. They held my hand and told me

it was okay, and they gave me that hard love of telling me to sit down, shut

up and listen when I needed that too. Narcotics Anonymous is a way of

life for me today. I wouldn’t give it up for anything, for without it I’d have

nothing. Narcotics Anonymous gave me back my life, and for this I am

eternally grateful.

* Written in 1981

The War Is Over 223

223

THE WAR IS OVER

For me, it all started a long time ago. I was an abuser and user and I was

seventeen years old. I got kicked out of my folks’ house and I was staying

with my brother. I was going nowhere in a hurry. So I did what all Ameri-

can kids do, I joined the service. From the first day in, I felt different, even

though we all dressed alike and walked alike. I went gung-ho and all that

there was to do, I did. I made squad leader in basic training and went to

Jump School. While there, I trained to be an Airborne Ranger. It was 1968

and when I finished I got orders to Vietnam. I wasn’t scared, as I was a

part of “America’s Finest.” I had a cause and a reason to live. I believed I

was protecting my country, but after being there, I soon forgot that belief.

It was not like on television. I felt fear; raw-gut fear. People all around me

were dying, so I was scared and lonely. I wouldn’t make friends because the

next day they would be dead or wounded. One day a guy said, “Here, try

this, it’s a cigarette with heroin in it.” I never wanted to do heroin because I

saw junkies in the States and I disliked them. I liked downers, speed, and booze.

After that introduction, I found a new friend. It replaced my parents,

girlfriend and buddies. It never let me down. I used on a daily basis and

loved it. The Army gave us downers and speed. I was soon caught up in

the insanity. I no longer cared about living. In fact, I had a death wish. I

volunteered for all high-risk missions. I thought that if I came home a hero,

dead in a box, I would show my family that I was somebody.

I remember asking God to watch over “the kid” one day. I don’t know

why. I was in Vietnam twenty-eight months when I had a nervous break-

down and was sent home. One day I was in Southeast Asia, twenty-three

hours later I was in California. I didn’t know how to act. I was sent to

Alaska where it was sixty degrees below zero, after being in Vietnam where

it had been 115 degrees.

Well, the Army in Alaska was different. I was an Arctic-Airborne ranger,

twenty-two years old, scared and different. The Vietnam experiences that I had

glorified in my mind were sickening to the men in the unit. They couldn’t

224 Narcotics Anonymous

relate or understand. I was a baby killer and a drug-crazed animal. That

hurt my pride and ego. I got no hero’s welcome and I wasn’t crippled. I

wanted to lose an arm or a leg because all my friends in Nam had. I was

odd man again.

I took to drinking heavily. The career men hated me and my peer group

resented my authority. I was an E-5 Sarge, so I drank alone and used alone.

The town people disliked the servicemen and I wanted to die. I had fought

for twenty-eight months for them to remain free and safe and they treated

me like a dog.

I got busted and went to Washington and learned brick-laying. A mar-

ketable skill was the answer, as I had to deal drugs to live. On the con-

struction site there were as many drugs and alcohol as in the streets, so I

was off and running. I never knew there was another way of life. I thought,

“This is me.” I didn’t want to live, but God saw fit that I get a break.

I was busted again and sent to a drug program for a year. When I got out

I had no outside support. I believe that an addict alone is in bad company.

My bubble burst and I was using harder than ever. I was ready to kill

myself. I had an M-2 automatic weapon and a voice in my head said, “Call

for help. You deserve to live, you are worth it.” I thought, “Who should I

call?” The Army caused my problem, or so I thought, and I called their

hospital. A man on the program said, “God loves you and so do I.” In all

the years of my life I had never heard that before. No one ever said, “I love

you, your life is worth living, you are somebody.” I went into their program,

which is N.A.-oriented. I learned that all vets have the same problem. It wasn’t

the service that was at fault, it is dealing with life on life’s terms that was my

problem. I found out about myself, and I wasn’t alone anymore.

At meetings, there were people just like me. It wasn’t easy, but I went

to meetings there and listened. I used to think that I had all the answers,

but today I am glad that I don’t. N.A. taught me a new lifestyle, how to

love myself and how to feel love. I owe all the gifts that I have received to

this program and to God. Today I can be responsible and productive. I am

forever grateful. I used to hear bells ring in my head and have nightmares

that kept me awake. I was very antisocial. I had a “who cares” attitude.

Today I know someone cares for me. I work the steps and I have be-

come a part of the N.A. Program. I used to be a taker. I have learned that I

can now be a giver. That’s what is in this program for me now. It hasn’t

been all hearts and flowers for me, and to tell the truth, if it was, I probably

wouldn’t want it. Today the war is over.

Up from Down Under 225

225

UP FROM DOWN UNDER

My name is Melvyn, and I am an addict. I believe that I was born an ad-

dict, and that whatever I did, it was not with the intention of becoming ad-

dicted to drugs. I was brought up in Cheshire, England, of working-class

parents, and went to school like everyone else. But I wasn’t like everyone

else, I felt different. It is a hard feeling to describe, but as far back as I can

remember in my childhood, I always felt out of it. Somehow I didn’t be-

long. At school I soon realized that I was not going to be successful. So I

stopped trying, set my expectations to zero, and was at the bottom of the

class from when I started in grammar school to when I finished. But as long

as I didn’t try, then in my mind I couldn’t fail. I spent my class time inside my

head, living in a fantasy world of my own making. There I was always feel-

ing good. Even on holidays I stayed in my world of fantasy, not getting up

until lunch time each day. By the time I started to look for other kids they were

already off somewhere, and I was left alone to make believe by myself.

I left school after failing all my examinations, not having a clue about

what I should do with my life. At this time I tried two things that I thought

might help me, I became a probationary local preacher with a Protestant

church and I started drinking. I soon realized that preparing the Sunday

sermon in the pub Saturday night was not really the right kind of action

for a budding local preacher. So I gave away preaching and did more drink-

ing. But life still wasn’t working out, so I joined the Royal Navy, starting a

geographical that was to last for over ten years and cover forty different

countries.

I joined the Royal Navy for nine years and I lasted three. The first drink

had me beat. No matter what I resolved, after my tot of rum at lunch time,

I was looking for more. I was always borrowing money and clothes so I

could get ashore. I was always broke, and my uniform was always still

dirty from the night before. When I went ashore, I never knew where I

would end up, when I would get back to ship, or what I had done. Black-

outs were with me from the start.

226 Narcotics Anonymous

After I was kicked out of the Navy at the age of twenty, I wandered

around Europe for many months, working where I could, sleeping out, beg-

ging, picking up cigarette butts, and still drinking whenever I could. I re-

member once getting drunk in Moscow, smashing a toilet bowl (it rocked

when I sat on it), and getting lost on the underground. If there was a drug

scene in Europe in those days of 1963, I didn’t come across it. In fact, I didn’t

come across drugs until five years later in Singapore. I had spent the pre-

vious two years in Australia, travelling around, working in mining camps

and city offices. My drinking had gotten me into such a state that I could

no longer use public transportation to work, I had to travel by taxi. I was

frightened of everyone. I sometimes trembled so much that I could not walk

or hold things. I was in a mess. Whatever a man was supposed to be, and

I wasn’t quite sure what a man was, I obviously wasn’t one. So in my sick-

ness, I decided to prove that I was a man by going to Vietnam. I had al-

ready tried to get to Vietnam in 1966, by applying to join the Australian

Army, but because of my record in the Navy, they rejected me.

In Singapore, I was introduced to marijuana, and I liked it. It distorted

my perception of time, space and hearing, not aggressively like alcohol, but

gently. When I got to Saigon, I managed to get a job with the British Medi-

cal team working at a children’s hospital in Cholon. There I continued

drinking and smoking dope and eventually my sanity was somewhat af-

fected. For kicks, I used to drive my ex-Army truck out into the country-

side surrounding Saigon in the middle of the night. One night when I was

stoned I took an English reporter with me and he was terrified the whole

trip. I figured it was great fun and that nothing could hurt me. One night

I drove past the presidential palace, didn’t stop when I was told to, and

ended up with a barbed wire barricade wrapped around my back axle, leav-

ing some ARVN soldiers some explaining to do. I lasted six months in

Saigon. Then one night I drove my truck into a jeep, pushed it into the side

of a house and squashed it. The side of the house collapsed and I didn’t

stop. The following morning the British Embassy, the British Medical team,

the owner of the house I’d smashed, the owner of the jeep I’d smashed and

the American pilots who lived in the house, were all looking for me. As a

result, I stopped drinking for life, which lasted five weeks, then one drink

set me off again.

At the end of 1969, I was in England, broke as usual, no money and no

job. I decided to try and get back to Australia, and got enough money to-

gether so that, if I slept out and didn’t spend any money on food or drugs,

Up from Down Under 227

I might make it. My thinking was so off by this time that I decided to go

via North Africa. So off I set, and made it to Spain all right, not spending

any money but getting drunk a few times. Just south of Barcelona the com-

pulsion to drink hit me, and I went off on a bender that lasted about a week,

leaving me in a little room in Algeciras. There I dried out, or tried to, but

was very lonely and miserable. For the first time in my life, by my stan-

dards, I had failed. I knew I wasn’t going to Australia. They wouldn’t even

let me buy a ticket for the Tangier ferry, because I smelled so badly. At this

period I went for a month without washing. When I was in Asia I always

made sure that I was clean when getting tickets and visas, now I was un-

able even to do this. I managed to get off the booze, but then went on to

the dope. I arranged with some guys to smuggle hashish from Morocco,

but the dope was freaking me out so much I shot through. I’ll never forget

that journey back through Europe, complete failure and depression, I

couldn’t even be successful as a bum, and that really hurt.

I eventually managed to get to Australia, but I could never keep a job

very long because of my drinking. There came the time when I literally

couldn’t move because of all the unknown fears that I had. So I went to

see a doctor and as a result I got on the alcohol and pills way of life, pills

during the day at work, and rum at night at home. This was great for a

while, but as usual, the good times didn’t last. I found that I still couldn’t

keep a job and the fears started coming back as well. My mother had been

saying for years, “Why don’t you get married and settle down?” So, in a

last desperate measure to sort myself out, I decided to get married. I didn’t

even have a girlfriend at the time, my drug use had always taken a priority

over girls, and my sex life was a fantasy. So I got married, and my life im-

mediately got worse. Ever since I had left home at seventeen, I had had

only myself to think about. Now I had a wife, and it was a responsibility

that I could not handle. My lies and cheating got worse, and it was all re-

flected back at me by my wife. When I got married I thought my sex prob-

lems would be resolved. They weren’t, they got worse. I still preferred

using drugs to going to bed with my wife. I thought that perhaps I was

homosexual. So I decided to seduce a friend that I knew was a homosexual.

I did and discovered that I wasn’t homosexual. So in the end, I couldn’t

make it with women, and I certainly couldn’t make it with men. I was more

screwed up than ever before.

It was now 1974 and I had a good job as a computer programmer/ana-

lyst. I had a house and a car. In spite of all this, I was mentally, emotionally

228 Narcotics Anonymous

and spiritually finished. I could go down no further. I hit my rock bottom

one afternoon in November 1974, in a forest near my home. During a quiet

afternoon’s drinking I had gone berserk and I tried to run off the edge of

the world. I had had enough. I wanted to get off. Eventually I collapsed

and passed out. When I came to, I knew that I had to stop drinking and

using drugs. Since Vietnam, I sometimes drove on the right-hand side of

the road. That night I drove on the right again and had cars going every-

where, I tried to run over a policewoman twice, and ended the night in a

cell.

There was no Narcotics Anonymous in Melbourne at that time, but I

got myself to another Twelve Step Program that dealt with alcohol. To me

alcohol was just another drug, so I didn’t have any problem identifying with

that program. I was told that if I put my recovery before everything else,

then I could stay clean for the rest of my life. That was what I wanted. In

my withdrawal I was violent and my wife left me. All this did was clear

the way for me to go to as many meetings as possible and to concentrate

on my recovery without being concerned about her.

I did not pick up the first drug and I listened to the people who had

recovered. I did not associate with people who had come into the program

at the same time or later than me, they could not help me. I only talked to

those who had been in the program for years and had something that I

wanted. I learned to listen and be guided by others, something I had never

done before. I remember being told there was no value in a sick mind con-

sulting a sick mind about a sick mind. During my first weeks in the pro-

gram I was told to stay away from the first drink or drug, to stay away from

the old environment, to contact other members daily, and be constantly

aware that I was an addict. I used to walk around, from getting up to go-

ing to bed, with the words “I am an addict” circulating in my head.

I learned that when the compulsion to use something hit me, I should

take steps in the opposite direction, that I shouldn’t dwell on the compul-

sion, but that if I did something positive, its hold on me would be lessened.

I think someone once said that “you can’t stop a bird from crapping on your

head, but you can stop it from building a nest there!” In the same way, I

can’t stop the thought of using from coming into my mind, but I can stop it

from dwelling there and taking charge of me.

My wife came back to me after a few months, but it still didn’t work

out. I was very sick, not only from my addiction, but I also had tuberculo-

sis that the doctors didn’t diagnose until I had been coughing up blood for

Up from Down Under 229

six months. When I went into the hospital, my wife left me for good. Since

I came out of the hospital in 1976 I have continued to concentrate on my

recovery. I was involved in starting N.A. in Melbourne and as a result I

have been able to relate to addicts, and not just alcoholics.

For two years, I didn’t go out with a girl. I just worked the steps and

did what I could about my defects of character. I found that I had prob-

lems of sexual fantasy, impotence, compulsive eating, and television watch-

ing to get over. I learned to talk to girls and not be frightened by them. I

learned to handle rejection, knowing that it is okay to be rejected. I found

that I could accept myself, defects and all, and that is a wonderful thing.

After a couple of years in the program, I started to cry spontaneously.

All of a sudden, tears would come streaming down my face and I would

start sobbing. I discovered that the emotional barriers that I had built over

the years to protect myself were coming down, simply by me working the

program. I was learning to really feel, and I found that I could handle my

feelings.

My spiritual progress has been somewhat different from what I ex-

pected. As I have matured in the program and learned to think for myself,

I have examined the principles upon which I base my life. By doing this, I

found out that I do not believe in any kind of God, and that my Higher

Power is the power of the program. Today I am an atheist. I still concen-

trate on my own recovery because if I am well, then I can be of value to

others, but if I am sick, then I am of no use to anyone, not even myself.

Being an atheist does not stop me from working the program. The only

thing I do not do, of course, is pray. The main thing is that I do what is

possible with what I have got. No one can do more. The advice that I was

given at my first meeting still holds good today, “Don’t pick up the first

drink or drug, go to meetings and work the steps.”

THE END

230 Narcotics Anonymous
230
A
A day at a time  79, 107, 121, 164, 168,
169, 176, 178, 199, 204
Abstinence  
7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 43, 44, 62, 63,
66, 71, 72, 81, 92, 93, 187, 198
Acceptance  5, 13, 15, 18, 20, 24, 28, 33,
35, 38, 41, 44, 46, 71, 72, 74, 76, 77, 80,
81, 104, 107, 119, 143, 160, 164, 183, 203
Action  5, 20, 21, 24, 25, 28, 29, 30, 32, 44,
46, 63, 65, 66, 131, 157, 176, 186
Addiction  viii, ix, xi, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10,
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21,
23, 29, 30, 31, 37, 40, 41, 43, 45, 50, 52,
53, 54, 56, 59, 63, 65, 70, 71, 72, 75, 78,
80, 81, 82, 84, 88, 91, 92, 94, 96, 98, 102,
106, 110, 111, 112, 114, 115, 118, 119, 128,
129, 131, 133, 134, 135, 139, 142, 145,
149, 151, 152, 153, 155, 159, 161, 165,
166, 167, 177, 179, 182, 183, 185, 186,
189, 197, 198, 204, 209, 213, 214, 215,
216, 217, 228
Admitting  5, 9, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 23,
25, 26, 29, 31, 34, 35, 38, 46, 50, 65, 66,
72, 74, 76, 80, 101, 168, 171, 186, 215,
217
Alienation  18, 66, 71, 96, 105, 127, 172,
179, 200, 203, 206
Anger  6, 21, 22, 23, 27, 33, 34, 64, 65, 69,
71, 77, 81, 118, 166, 168, 169, 182, 208
Anonymity  ix, 60, 61
Attitudes  32, 33, 34, 39, 43, 46, 66, 68, 71,
72, 76, 77, 116, 117, 135, 158, 182, 193,
205, 213, 224
Awareness  
5, 24, 28, 30, 32, 34, 36, 38, 72,
77, 80, 82, 83, 155, 157, 158, 165, 185,
186, 207, 228
C
Caring  10, 12, 20, 21, 22, 24, 30, 41, 45, 46,
50, 53, 54, 65, 79, 81, 83, 94, 98, 101, 104,
111, 119, 122, 131, 136, 151, 158, 167,
176, 191, 198, 218, 222, 224
Carry the message  xii, 9, 40, 41, 42, 46,
48, 50, 52, 54, 55, 58, 68, 104, 122, 136,
176, 203
Change  12, 13, 18, 21, 22, 27, 28, 30, 32,
33, 36, 43, 44, 45, 46, 52, 56, 62, 63, 67,
69, 71, 72, 73, 76, 77, 78, 80, 83, 84, 94,
95, 103, 110, 112, 120, 131, 135, 153, 164,
193
Character defects  14, 25, 26, 30, 34, 36,
61, 64, 77, 94, 95, 115, 142, 155, 157, 158,
160, 169, 208, 229
Come to believe  20, 119, 141, 193
Commitment  98, 136, 164
Common  19
Common bond  78, 165, 171
Common denominator  xi
Common desire  50
Common effort  45
Common elements  40
Common good  xii, 50
Common ground  16
Common problem  9
Common themes  50
INDEX

Index 231
Common welfare  48, 49, 61
Communication  
37, 46, 68, 92, 123, 124,
170, 215
Compassion  
80, 81, 82, 142, 150
Complacency  
41, 67, 75, 80
Compulsion  62, 67, 70, 71, 73, 91, 131,
169, 183, 188, 189, 198, 200, 207, 209,
211, 213, 227, 228, 229
Concern for others  13, 40, 81
Courage  21, 23, 24, 25, 33, 38, 68, 76, 104,
114, 151, 158, 203
D
Denial  7, 12, 17, 23, 44, 67, 103, 110
Disappointment  75
Disease  xi, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16,
17, 19, 25, 36, 38, 40, 43, 44, 45, 63, 64,
65, 66, 67, 72, 73, 76, 78, 80, 81, 84, 106,
115, 128, 133, 134, 136, 152, 161, 164,
170, 193, 196, 207, 217
E
Ego  77, 83, 84, 115, 119, 136, 224
Emotions  4, 6, 23, 25, 29, 35, 38, 63, 64,
68, 70, 72, 76, 83, 95, 106, 114, 135, 136,
141, 143, 150, 152, 162, 163, 185, 186,
188, 192, 202, 208, 213, 227, 229
Encouragement  26, 78, 94, 116, 136, 186
Experience  xi, 8, 9, 24, 32, 37, 40, 41, 45,
46, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 63, 66, 68, 69, 77,
78, 93, 100, 146, 187, 204, 218
F
Faith  19, 21, 22, 23, 24, 28, 29, 33, 37, 41,
50, 71, 74, 75, 76, 78, 79, 83, 119, 141,
160, 168, 171, 180, 181, 186, 208, 213,
220, 221, 222
Fear  
4, 12, 13, 14, 18, 20, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26,
27, 30, 32, 34, 38, 41, 44, 67, 71, 73, 74,
76, 77, 79, 81, 83, 93, 94, 95, 108, 115,
116, 121, 146, 147, 148, 158, 166, 168,
172, 173, 174, 176, 187, 192, 218, 223,
227
Feelings  
4, 6, 11, 12, 13, 19, 23, 24, 26, 27,
29, 31, 33, 34, 35, 38, 42, 44, 45, 46, 54,
62, 65, 66, 67, 68, 70, 73, 77, 78, 79, 80,
82, 83, 84, 87, 89, 90, 91, 93, 96, 97, 98,
100, 104, 105, 106, 108, 110, 111, 112,
114, 119, 121, 122, 123, 124, 126, 127,
128, 132, 135, 136, 138, 139, 140, 141,
143, 144, 145, 146, 147, 151, 154, 157,
159, 160, 166, 167, 169, 171, 172, 173,
174, 175, 177, 178, 179, 180, 182, 183,
184, 185, 188, 189, 190, 192, 193, 195,
196, 197, 198, 200, 202, 203, 214, 215,
217, 218, 222, 224, 225, 229
Fellowship  vi, xi, 8, 10, 67, 78, 80, 84, 95,
164, 165
Forgiveness  10, 30, 32, 77, 140, 142, 183
Fourth Step  157, 171, 176
Freedom  vi, 18, 25, 28, 29, 30, 32, 34, 46,
48, 52, 53, 54, 55, 57, 60, 62, 65, 69, 71,
73, 83, 84, 104, 119, 121, 132, 134, 136,
169, 171, 172, 181, 183, 189, 208, 210
G
Gifts  13, 39, 40, 75, 79, 82, 84, 87, 95, 104,
143, 168, 176, 208, 224
Giving  8, 9, 39, 40, 46, 47, 62, 82, 98, 155,
160, 176, 203, 221
God as we understand Him  21, 35, 39,
40, 111, 112
God as we understood Him  14, 20, 21,
35, 43, 46, 75, 89

232 Narcotics Anonymous
God’s will  36, 37, 38, 39, 46, 51, 75, 104,
141, 160, 203, 208
Good will  vi, 80, 208
Gratitude  
7, 24, 39, 41, 65, 66, 67, 68, 73,
75, 77, 83, 84, 95, 98, 104, 106, 107, 112,
116, 122, 135, 136, 141, 152, 158, 160,
169, 172, 183, 184, 187, 203, 205, 206,
207, 218, 222, 224
Grief  101
Group conscience  
ix, 32, 48, 52, 59
Groups  
41, 48, 49, 51, 53, 54, 57, 59, 60,
62, 67, 79, 112
Growth  21, 22, 29, 30, 32, 33, 35, 36, 46,
62, 67, 69, 72, 76, 77, 80, 82, 94, 107, 112,
135, 143, 155, 187
Guilt  6, 17, 22, 23, 24, 26, 30, 31, 32, 33,
44, 67, 68, 82, 88, 115, 154, 158, 168, 192,
193, 200
H
Happiness  73, 76, 83, 84, 90, 95, 109, 110,
112, 113, 134, 137, 138, 139, 142, 143,
144, 146, 147, 151, 152, 155, 160, 172,
181, 201, 204, 208, 219
Helping others  7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 21, 33, 39,
40, 41, 42, 45, 46, 47, 50, 53, 54, 58, 62,
66, 67, 68, 71, 78, 79, 81, 83, 95, 112, 115,
120, 122, 151, 177, 178, 183, 222
Higher Power  ix, 13, 20, 21, 23, 25, 30,
39, 40, 41, 42, 46, 69, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77,
79, 81, 84, 94, 95, 98, 101, 110, 115, 134,
135, 146, 160, 163, 168, 169, 174, 193, 197,
199, 209, 213, 214, 215, 217, 218, 229
Honesty  8, 15, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27,
29, 30, 31, 41, 42, 54, 68, 72, 76, 78, 79,
81, 100, 104, 110, 111, 112, 142, 164, 169,
176, 183, 186, 193, 216, 218
Hope  
xi, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 16, 18, 28, 39,
40, 41, 42, 46, 55, 66, 69, 76, 78, 80, 82, 83,
93, 94, 100, 116, 140, 143, 151, 152, 165,
174, 180, 187, 191, 204, 215, 218, 221
HOW  
77
Humility  10, 28, 29, 30, 33, 39, 41, 42, 60,
68, 77, 80, 104, 164, 183, 198
I
Identification  xi, 7, 10, 62, 68, 70, 78, 168,
228
Insanity  
5, 18, 19, 34, 44, 68, 100, 106, 118,
120, 130, 134, 149, 152, 159, 168, 171,
177, 207, 215, 223
Isolation  3, 4, 12, 15, 17, 26, 30, 32, 64, 65,
67, 68, 78, 80, 133, 148, 153, 182, 203,
215, 216, 218
It works  18, 21, 112, 119, 151, 157
J
Just for today  ix, xii, 72, 79, 84, 121, 184,
191, 221
L
Learning  7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24,
28, 29, 30, 33, 34, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41,
42, 44, 45, 46, 50, 51, 52, 54, 57, 65, 66,
67, 68, 69, 71, 72, 73, 74, 76, 77, 78, 79,
80, 81, 82, 83, 95, 101, 107, 111, 112, 115,
119, 121, 122, 124, 125, 130, 131, 136, 143,
145, 146, 150, 151, 155, 157, 158, 164, 174,
176, 178, 181, 183, 184, 185, 191, 199, 204,
208, 216, 222, 224, 228, 229
Letting go  21, 33, 44, 51, 155
Listening  8, 9, 20, 32, 37, 76, 80, 84, 95,
101, 103, 104, 120, 124, 135, 140, 142,
145, 151, 161, 163, 176, 183, 217, 218,
222, 224, 228

Index 233
Loneliness  6, 13, 15, 23, 30, 34, 40, 44, 64,
65, 69, 71, 83, 96, 114, 136, 138, 146, 159,
170, 190, 195, 196, 203, 206, 209, 216,
223, 227
Love  
viii, 4, 16, 33, 38, 41, 44, 50, 51, 73,
77, 80, 81, 82, 83, 93, 97, 98, 103, 104,
112, 114, 119, 122, 124, 135, 137, 141,
142, 143, 146, 148, 151, 152, 155, 158,
159, 162, 172, 173, 174, 176, 183, 185,
191, 194, 203, 207, 214, 216, 221, 222,
224
M
Medication  82
Meditation  39, 75, 81, 142
Meetings  viii, 8, 10, 12, 13, 16, 41, 42, 43,
44, 45, 53, 55, 56, 57, 58, 61, 64, 65, 66,
67, 71, 75, 78, 89, 90, 93, 97, 98, 100, 101,
103, 107, 115, 118, 120, 121, 122, 124,
126, 130, 131, 134, 135, 145, 151, 152,
155, 157, 158, 160, 163, 164, 168, 169,
171, 176, 180, 181, 183, 184, 185, 193,
197, 202, 203, 204, 206, 207, 214, 215,
218, 221, 222, 224, 228, 229
N
N.A. Fellowship  10
Newcomer  xii, 8, 9, 40, 41, 45, 46, 50, 52,
54, 56, 66, 71, 72, 75, 78, 81, 82, 131, 158,
176, 181, 203, 204, 208
O
Obsession  17, 19, 43, 44, 56, 64, 67, 69, 70,
71, 73, 77, 83, 84, 111, 125, 131, 148, 168,
169, 181, 183, 187, 204, 209, 214, 215,
221
Open-mindedness  15, 16, 22, 24, 41, 42,
64, 72, 75, 76, 78, 80, 84, 112, 169
P
Pain  ix, xii, 5, 6, 8, 11, 12, 15, 16, 19, 21,
24, 25, 27, 29, 31, 33, 34, 40, 42, 46, 51,
61, 65, 66, 75, 76, 77, 78, 80, 81, 82, 89,
90, 91, 95, 102, 107, 109, 113, 117, 119,
120, 135, 138, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145,
146, 154, 155, 161, 170, 179, 188, 189,
202, 205, 206, 208, 217
Patience  33, 41, 79
Peace  
36, 37, 38, 40, 43, 97, 101, 107, 109,
111, 112, 152, 160, 165, 168, 173, 175,
218, 221, 222
Power (Higher)  14, 20, 22, 29, 36, 37, 38,
50, 51, 62, 72, 74, 119, 134, 135, 151, 155,
171, 186, 215, 222, 229
Power (strength)  5, 11, 14, 17, 18, 20, 23,
35, 36, 38, 39, 41, 66, 67, 70, 75, 80, 95,
104, 111
Powerlessness  9, 12, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19,
29, 38, 43, 65, 66, 70, 73, 76, 78, 119, 135,
145, 168, 186, 198, 215, 216, 218
Prayer  14, 25, 28, 30, 39, 68, 81, 94, 95,
104, 119, 141, 142, 159, 171, 204, 207,
208, 218, 229
Pride  28, 32, 51, 64, 67, 68, 119, 163, 168,
186, 208, 224
Primary purpose  9, 41, 48, 53, 55, 56, 57,
59, 176
Principle of anonymity  61
Principles  60, 61, 76, 77, 80, 83, 146, 152
Priorities  65, 68, 81, 164
R
Rationalization  4, 17, 22, 25, 26, 31, 35,
64, 92, 142, 160

234 Narcotics Anonymous
Recovery  vi, ix, x, xi, xii, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24,
30, 33, 35, 36, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45,
46, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57,
58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69,
71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81,
82, 83, 84, 85, 93, 94, 95, 97, 115, 119,
120, 131, 132, 135, 136, 146, 151, 155,
160, 163, 164, 165, 171, 175, 176, 184,
185, 191, 193, 194, 197, 198, 203, 204,
208, 217, 221, 228, 229
Relapse  15, 32, 40, 45, 69, 71, 75, 76, 81,
102, 103, 146, 183, 197, 198
Relationships  24, 30, 33, 34, 45, 65, 68,
90, 99, 109, 119, 124, 136, 148, 203, 208,
215, 216, 220
Resentments  3, 13, 23, 24, 27, 33, 34, 64,
65, 77, 81, 108, 146, 168, 169, 170, 187,
205, 209, 217
Reservations  5, 17, 29, 43, 44, 63, 159,
174, 221
Responsibility  11, 13, 15, 17, 39, 45, 47,
64, 69, 73, 77, 80, 81, 82, 84, 115, 116,
127, 129, 131, 136, 137, 140, 142, 146,
147, 150, 153, 155, 166, 201, 209, 224,
227
S
Sanity  14, 20, 33, 119, 160, 208
Self image  136
Self-acceptance  46, 71, 72, 80, 81, 107,
183
Self-centeredness  3, 17, 37, 51, 69, 76, 77,
78, 119, 173, 208
Self-deception  22, 62, 75, 77, 81, 103
Self-esteem  12, 26, 64, 79, 159, 163
Self-love  
143, 183, 222, 224
Self-obsession  
44, 64, 77, 84, 214, 215
Self-pity  4, 22, 23, 27, 44, 64, 65, 81, 187,
214
Self-respect  
13, 42, 82, 83, 95, 97, 139, 185
Self-will  15, 51, 64, 74, 83, 104, 115, 163
Self-worth  
13, 188
Serenity  
38, 75, 104, 118, 136, 160, 165,
168, 172, 189
Service  vi, 10, 40, 41, 45, 46, 47, 49, 51,
54, 78, 80, 95, 97, 98, 119, 121, 145, 160,
171, 181, 183, 184, 191, 194, 204, 207,
215
Service centers  48, 57, 58
Seventh Step  169
Sharing  7, 8, 9, 10, 24, 25, 26, 27, 30, 32,
40, 41, 42, 44, 45, 46, 50, 54, 66, 67, 68,
71, 72, 77, 78, 81, 82, 83, 84, 93, 94, 95,
98, 100, 112, 115, 120, 131, 136, 142, 146,
151, 152, 155, 157, 158, 160, 168, 169,
171, 176, 187, 194, 204, 208, 218
Spiritual awakening  14, 39, 42, 75, 83,
97, 104, 156, 203
Spiritual awareness  82
Spiritual condition  76
Spiritual direction  28
Spiritual experience  83
Spiritual growth  21, 30, 33, 46, 67, 69, 77,
80, 82, 187
Spiritual ideals  83
Spiritual living  77, 110
Spiritual maintenance  75
Spiritual matters  xi

Index 235

Spiritual principles xi, 10, 15, 28, 39, 40,

41, 42, 46, 51, 53, 59, 67, 68, 76, 77, 80,

148, 183

Spiritual program

22, 35, 76, 187

Spiritual values

71, 189

Spirituality xi, 21, 27, 73, 75

Sponsor

23, 32, 45, 46, 47, 65, 66, 69, 78,

79, 81, 82, 89, 94, 95, 97, 100, 101, 107,

110, 112, 119, 156, 158, 160, 169, 171,

174, 175, 176, 183, 187, 197, 198, 204,

207, 208, 221

Staying clean 16, 29, 41, 58, 66, 68, 77, 81,

82, 98, 107, 175, 176, 207

Step Eight 32, 142, 158

Step Eleven 39, 111, 142, 158, 160, 208

Step Five 24, 27, 100, 142, 157, 169, 171,

176, 208

Step Four 25, 28, 31, 100, 141, 142, 157,

160, 208

Step Nine 34, 142, 158

Step One 18, 19, 29, 43, 65, 67, 73, 145,

168, 171, 198, 208, 215

Step Seven 30, 142, 158

Step Six 28, 142, 157, 158, 169

Step Ten 35, 39, 142, 146, 158, 160

Step Three 22, 94, 141, 146, 157, 171

Step Twelve 42, 54, 64, 142, 158, 160, 203,

218

Step Two 20, 168, 171

Steps, Twelve xi, 7, 9, 10, 16, 41, 46, 48,

53, 63, 73, 79, 89, 95, 101, 119, 131, 142,

152, 155, 164, 165, 168, 169, 171, 172,

175, 181, 194, 199, 204, 214, 216

Strength

20, 21, 23, 29, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40,

45, 46, 56, 66, 68, 69, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78,

81, 82, 100, 139, 157, 187, 204, 218

Suggestions

28, 67, 119, 160

Surrender

10, 17, 18, 21, 22, 28, 36, 37, 39,

41, 65, 67, 70, 71, 72, 74, 77, 135, 136,

151, 155, 157, 160, 193, 204, 207, 208,

221

Thankfulness 39, 68

Tolerance

41, 42, 77, 104, 112

Tradition Eight 58

Tradition Eleven 60

Tradition Five 55

Tradition Four 54

Tradition Nine 59

Tradition One 50

Tradition Seven 57

Tradition Six 56

Tradition Ten 60

Tradition Three 52, 222

Tradition Twelve 60

Tradition Two 52

Traditions, Twelve 10

Trust 20, 26, 45, 66, 67, 69, 74, 77, 79, 94,

101, 105, 112, 146, 168, 174, 191, 203,

213

Unity vi, 48, 49, 50, 54, 58, 71

Unmanageability 13, 14, 16, 18, 46, 65,

74, 76, 92, 119, 157, 166, 186, 213, 215

236 Narcotics Anonymous
W
Willingness  6, 14, 15, 16, 18, 21, 22, 24,
26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 41, 45, 66,
68, 72, 73, 76, 77, 78, 80, 103, 104, 107,
110, 130, 142, 151, 155, 157, 158, 160,
168, 169, 183, 185, 198, 207, 218
Worthwhile  
79

OTHER PUBLICATIONS AVAILABLE FROM NA WORLD SERVICES, INC.

It Works: How and Why

Just for Today, Revised—Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts

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An Introductory Guide to Narcotics Anonymous, Revised

NA White Booklet

The Group Booklet, Revised

Behind the Walls

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Twelve Concepts for NA Service

NA: A Resource in Your Community

Who, What, How, and Why (IP #1)

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Another Look (IP #5)

Recovery and Relapse (IP #6)

Am I an Addict? (IP #7)

Just for Today (IP #8)

Living the Program (IP #9)

Working Step Four in Narcotics Anonymous (IP #10)

Sponsorship, Revised (IP #11)

The Triangle of Self-Obsession (IP #12)

Youth and Recovery (IP #13)

One Addict’s Experience… (IP #14)

PI and the NA Member (IP #15)

For the Newcomer (IP #16)

For Those in Treatment (IP #17)

Self-Acceptance (IP #19)

Hospitals & Institutions Service and the NA Member (IP #20)

The Loner—Staying Clean in Isolation (IP #21)

Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous (IP #22)

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Self-Support: Principle and Practice (IP #25)

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