62 Powerful Interactions, Second Edition
Guide Children’s Behavior
Help children behave in positive ways by setting
clear limits, modeling cooperative behavior, and
dealing respectfully with challenging behaviors.
Think of a situation in which you weren’t sure how you were expected to behave. Perhaps
you felt this way when you
› Started working in a new program
› Went back to school after having been away for several years
› Joined friends from a dierent culture at a ceremonial occasion
› Visited a new country or community and spent time in a culture dierent from your own
Was there someone who guided you so that you could feel more comfortable, condent,
and competent? What did that person do and say to guide you? Afterward, how did you
feel about the person who helped you?
63Step Two: Connect
Connect with Children by Guiding
Behavior in Positive Ways
Guiding children’s behavior is something done throughout the day, not just when a child acts in
a way that is unsafe or unacceptable. You guide behavior by establishing predictable routines,
setting clear rules with children, and modeling kindness and respect. You are also attentive and
aware of what is going on. Together, these actions help children feel noticed, condent, and
secure. Children experience your attention and guidance as a caring embrace holding everything
together. They know you’re on their team.
Sometimes a child’s behavior calls for more specic and direct attention from you. In these
moments, reacting with negative emotion—instead of being calm and deliberate—can
undermine the positive relationship you’re working to build with that child.
These challenging situations can be turned in a positive direction when you use mindfulness
strategies such as taking three deep breaths before saying anything or tuning into your senses to
quiet your emotions by noticing the texture of your sweater or the colors on the paintings hanging
on the wall (Erwin et al. 2017). These strategies can make it easier to remember that you are on the
child’s team and want her to feel that way. When you demonstrate this by connecting with the child
to deepen your relationship, you make it possible for her to learn new, more positive behaviors.
You open the door to a Powerful Interaction when you
› Treat the child the way you want him to treat you and others. The children
you care for and teach look up to you and want to be like you. When you model positive,
cooperative behavior, they will be more likely to interact with each other in positive ways.
Ms. Cate makes every eort to treat Robert, an active and at times aggressive
first grader, with respect. It pays o the day she watches in delight as Robert
walks over to a group of children on the playground and, instead of pushing
his way in and trying to grab the ball, asks, “Can I play?” Later she says to him,
“Way to go, Robert. I see you asked to join the game.” She begins a Powerful
Interaction to arm his new behaviors for entering play with others.
› Help a child feel secure by setting clear, realistic limits for behavior.
When you set limits, you build trust between you and children by giving them
the security that comes with knowing what to expect and what is expected of
them. Limits also help you teach children about what is safe, acceptable behavior.
Here are two examples from Mrs. Greene’s family child care home:
64 Powerful Interactions, Second Edition
At lunchtime, 3-year-old Alejandro reaches for a butter knife and proudly
spreads some hummus on a cracker. Still holding the knife, he gets up and heads
for the dress-up corner. “Alejandro,” says Mrs. Greene. “Remember our rule: Sit
at the table when you’re using a knife. Would you like to sit down at the table
and eat your cracker? Or would you like to give me your knife, wash your hands,
and go play?” Alejandro looks at Mrs. Greene, then at the knife in his hand. He
comes back to the table. “Now you can enjoy that crunchy cracker,” says Mrs.
Greene with a smile. Alejandro smiles back through the crumbs.
• • •
At naptime, Mrs. Greene hums softly while rocking Kylie, the baby in her
mixed-age group. Kylie reaches up and tugs hard on Mrs. Greene’s hair. Gently
pulling Kylie’s hand away, Mrs. Greene says softly, “That hurts. Let’s be gentle
with each other.” Mrs. Greene rubs her hand gently on Kylie’s head.
› Manage your emotions so that you can help children manage theirs. Extreme
behaviors, such as temper tantrums, biting, or hitting, are the result of children’s strong
emotions. You are likely to have a strong emotional reaction to these behaviors as well.
In these situations, children need you on their team more than ever. When you draw
on your positive relationship and the feeling of connection that has developed between
you over time, you can respond in a way that benets the child, strengthens your
relationship, and enables the child to learn from the situation. Watch as Mr. Vargas
uses a Powerful Interaction to prevent biting and to connect with Shelley:
Mr. Vargas has been keeping a close eye on 3-year-old Shelley since she bit
another child earlier this morning. He notices Shelley heading for the cardboard
box house, where two other children are playing. That could be trouble, he
thinks. Mr. Vargas scans the room. The other children are busy playing. Taking
a calming breath, he nods at his teaching partner to let her know he’s going to
focus on Shelley. Then he heads toward the house. Mr. Vargas does a quick Me
Check: I know I’m still upset about Shelley biting this morning. I bet she’s upset
too. I need to let go of my irritation with her and stay really calm so that I don’t
add any more tension to our interaction.
As Mr. Vargas approaches, Shelley is pushing her way into the house. As the other
children protest, Shelley pushes on the door harder. As Shelley leans toward
Karey’s arm and opens her mouth, Mr. Vargas steps in. Gently but firmly grasping
Shelley’s shoulders, Mr. Vargas says quietly, “Shelley, I’m not going to let you bite
Karey. I’ll help you join in the play.” Shelley looks up at him. After a few seconds,
she leans in against Mr. Vargas and her face relaxes a little bit. They connect.
Sometimes a child’s biting or other behavior can be so extreme that your focus must be on
stopping the behavior and protecting everyone’s safety. Even in these situations, children
deserve and need you to be present and respectful rather than angry. Some additional guidance
from a mental health professional may be needed to help you support the child.
65Step Two: Connect
Tips for Guiding Children’s Behavior
Remember that you guide children’s behavior each day as you interact with them. Some ways
you can do this include the following:
Be realistic about what you can expect from individual children. Take into account
a child’s age and what is happening in that child’s life as you consider what kind of guidance
he needs. It makes sense that Mason, whose mother is in the hospital, is scared, angry, and
worried. He needs extra help from you to deal with his feelings of anger, frustration, fear, and
worry and to avoid ghting with other children.
Scan your room regularly to anticipate problems. Who needs your guidance in a
Powerful Interaction? Are there any potential behavior situations brewing?
Ms. Atem notices that Alicia is playing with blocks and her tower keeps falling
over. She thinks, Alicia’s mom told me she’s been a little grumpy this morning
because she couldn’t wear her favorite leggings since they were in the wash.
I can see her getting frustrated. How can I interact to prevent a problem from
starting? I’m going to go over and sit down next to her.
Coordinate with your teaching partner. Recall that Mr. Vargas signaled his coteacher with
a nod as he went to help Shelley. Learn to cue each other about where and when to get involved
to prevent conict and tension.
Partner with families. Let families know how important it is for you to know about issues
that arise at home day by day. The news they share in the morning about a child’s sleeping,
eating, toileting, mood, and changes in routine at home helps you anticipate and guide children’s
behavior at school in positive ways. When you know Elinor didn’t get much sleep last night, you
might oer her an early nap or be sure she has space in a stroller when you walk to the park so her
tiredness doesn’t lead to a tantrum—or to you having to carry a tired baby back to your center.
Reality Check
Sometimes your feelings or biases may get in the way of making the best decisions
about what to say and do in a Powerful Interaction. This happens. When it does,
being a professional early childhood educator means taking time to reflect
on what you brought to the interaction and being sure to take some steps to
reconnect with the child in a positive way so that you can continue to strengthen
your relationship.
66 Powerful Interactions, Second Edition
Take a long-term view. Remember that learning how to behave and get along with others
takes time and practice. Some of us are still learning.
Help children learn to self-regulate. Teaching skills such as persistence, turn-taking, and
expressing emotions without hurting another person is critical to guiding children’s behavior
(NAEYC 2018).
Establish clear and consistent routines so children know what to expect (NAEYC 2018).
Plan group projects so children learn how to work and play together (NAEYC 2018).
Here are some tips for dealing with a challenging behavior:
Put aside your feelings and recognize your biases. Too often, it can feel like a child’s
challenging behavior pits you and the child against each other. Remember that you are on
the same team.
Make it clear that the problem is the child’s behavior, not the child. It’s the biting,
hitting, or pushing that you want to stop—or better yet, prevent. Find ways to reassure children
that you have not stopped liking them.
Use a tone of voice that is rm, serious, and calm rather than angry when addressing
a child’s behavior. Anger is scary, and when children feel scared they cannot learn anything.
Keep and use your sense of humor. When appropriate for the child and the situation,
a silly face, dance, rhyme, or joke can release tension like magic.
67Step Two: Connect
How’s It Going?
Are you connecting with children and building a foundation
for learning as you encourage positive behavior in Powerful
Interactions? Here are some clues that the answer is yes.
Children may
› Be more relaxed and at ease
› Use some of the same language you use to guide behavior
as they work and play with their peers: “Hitting isn’t
safe,” “Don’t forget to use your words,” and “We might
not have enough space here for all of us to work together”
› Use some of the same language to remind themselves
of appropriate behavior; for example, you might
notice Jorge start to run across the room, then slow
down as he says to himself, “We walk inside”
You may
› Use a calmer voice as you guide challenging behaviors
› Anticipate more situations and notice that fewer challenging behaviors are occurring
› Have more positive relationships with children who have challenging behaviors
Families may
› Begin talking more about encouraging positive behavior than about making children behave
› Ask you for advice about how to encourage such behavior and
share stories of how they encourage it at home
You may also notice that the overall climate of your program is calmer as children learn
positive behaviors.
Remember
Guiding children’s behavior is a way to connect and strengthen your relationships
with them, making it possible to transform a potential behavior problem into a
learning opportunity.
